Ashes

I run to be free. Freedom is what keeps me alive. Even if  it's illegal freedom.
And that's why I run.
The shiny Gaelic cross encrypted with my initials still lies around my neck, the cool metal laying on my warm skin as I run in the early morning breeze.
And I am free.
I am only sixteen, but I am free.
I am only five foot two, but I am free.
I am only a truth in the midst of all these lies, and yet I am free.
Quain was free too, he was. He was more free than many will ever know in this world of fear and lies.
And when he told me a truth each night, I was free too.
I've come to understand that our breaking point is not physical, nor emotional, but mental. Your body and your heart can do far more than you think they can, but your brain holds them back, afraid of falling. And falling is what we're meant to do, as humans.
If you never fall, you can never learn what it's like to get back up again and succeed. If you never take risks you'll never fall, but if you never take risks you'll also never get up higher.
And I know because I have fallen.
That year I was sure I was alone, I fell hard. And I didn't stop falling. My heart fell, my body fell, and my mind wouldn't let them get back up for fear of falling again.
But then the envelope came, whisked away the ashes of my despair and my loneliness, and brought with it a sign of hope, and I was alone again.
When I am alone, I now feel blessed. When I am alone, no one can tear down my walls, and when I am alone, I am free.
When I was lonely, it didn't matter where I went or who I spent time with, I was in despair. I was too busy thinking about my own losses and my own downfalls that I gave up on the beauty in the people and places around me. Because I missed Quain I couldn't play with Alai and Maeve, because I was lonely I couldn't be alone, because I was covered in a thick layer of ashes I couldn't breath, and because I couldn't breath I couldn't be free. And I needed to be free, I really did.
Being free is what saved me, in the end. I was this close to not getting back up, but I did. And I fell again, fell more and more, but I got back up, determined to live. And no more than an hour later, I found the envelope.
Now, when I first told you about the envelope, I didn't mention one thing about the cross that I found inside. It was resting in a pile of ashes, which crumbled away at the touch. My ashes crumbled, too. When I brushed the ashes off of the cross, letting them fall to the floor in my haste, the ashes that stopped me from breathing were swept away, and I could once more breathe the sweet smell of life.
And I felt a wisp of air beside me draw in air too, perhaps it was Quain again.
And I kept feeling, hearing, seeing signs of Quain all around me, as if they were only visible to those who were free from the ashes of death. The ashes that confined everyone was what set them aside from Quain and now me. Were they not covered in ashes, they would see the truth like I did, like the rebels. I feel now that were it not for the rebels, everyone would be covered in ashes, and no one would be here to change it. Were it not for the rebels, the world would be completely encased in ashes, there wouldn't be the pinpricks of light seeping through the musty curtain.
And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful I can think too, for if I didn't have the freedom to think, I wouldn't be able to rebel.
I rebel against the oppression of the people by thinking, by doing things in my mind that I would never have the courage to do for real.
And so I am free.