“Maybe okay will be our always.” — The Fault In Our Stars, now in theatres!

Chapter 4 

The question echoed deep in the recesses of her mind. It touched every nook and cranny, bringing to light the heart of her insecurities. Her eyes snapped shut as they crawled out of the shadows. They hovered in the forefront, chanting the same thing over and over again.

You weren’t enough to make him stay. You weren’t enough to make him stay.

Her heart contracted at the onslaught. She wanted to scream, to fight, to push it back into the darkness and lock it up for eternity, but fear kept her immobile. How could she choose love when her greatest worry was that she didn’t measure up? Her father abandoned her because he found something better. What if the same thing happened with Graham? What if she let him in and he found her lacking?

She looked up at the man in question. He patiently stood before her with his arm outstretched. Bright, unwavering eyes stared back. They glittered with an unspoken promise. Her soul ached to give in, to believe that he would always stand by her, but how could she be sure?

Silently, she pleaded with him to give her some reassurance, but his lips remained shut. His expression made it clear he would not make this choice for her. It was up to her to decide if she would take the chance and trust him.

Could she do it? Her mind said no. The risk was too great. She didn’t want to wake up one day and find him gone. It was better to be without him, to live in her safe and comfortable world and forget about him….wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?

Her hand gave an involuntary jerk. Startled, she looked down. Her fingers were stretched out, pointing directly at Graham.  It seemed while her mind was saying no, her body was saying yes. Conflicted, she thought of the past six months she spent with him. There were ups and downs, good days and bad, but the constant in her life had been him. He was her anchor through it all, quietly providing his support. Was she really going to let it all go because of insecurity?

She thought of what her life could be like with him. Coming home from work and telling him about her day or spending a lazy Sunday lounging around the house, watching TV. The idea brought a small smile to her face. She wanted that. She wanted him. And wasn’t he worth the risk? Hadn’t he proven he cared about her? He was willing to lay his heart out on the line. Now it was her turn to do the same.

Hesitantly, she reached out. The encouragement in his eyes strengthened her resolve as she laid her palm against his and gingerly clasped his hand. Like a dam breaking, a flood of relief washed over his face. Eagerly, he pulled her up and into his arms. She leaned into him, taking comfort in his embrace.

“Damn,” he muttered, his heart racing under her ear, “you had me worried there for second. I thought I was going to have to do something drastic and resort to Plan B.”

“What was Plan B?”

“Subliminal messages while you slept.”

She laughed into his chest, loving the way his body cradled hers. “What were you going to do? Break into my apartment and play it till I became utterly obsessed with you?”

“Of course not,” he said loftily, as he toyed with a wisp of hair near her neck. “A mild infatuation would have been perfectly acceptably as well.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“Merely determined,” he corrected. His fingers danced across the graceful slope. His touch was light and teasing, like butterfly wings brushing against her skin.

“And what would these messages have said?” she asked, arching into the contact, craving more. She gasped as the movement caused her upper body to press against his in a sensual caress. A thousand nerves sparked to life. She moved to step back, but a steely arm around her waist stopped her. A possessive light gleamed in his amber eyes and she swallowed hard. He looked like a predator ready to pounce on his prey.

“They would have reminded you how much you like me.” His hand slid up the smooth expanse of her neck, stroking her velvety skin till her blood began to heat. Slowly, his fingers threaded through her hair causing her breathing to turn shallow. Her lids lowered as he palmed the back of her head, drawing her closer.

“How much you want to be with me,” he continued. Their bodies merged together as he angled her face upward. Her hands grasped his muscular shoulders, loving the feel of his steely frame against hers. Flames licked up her spine as he bent down and whispered in a low, thick voice, “How much you want to kiss me.”

For a second, his lips hovered over hers. They were so close she could see his harsh, uneven breaths. His body vibrated with tension—with need. She didn’t know what was stopping him.

“Graham,” she whimpered, the soft noise splintering the silence. His control snapped. The cool, calm headed hiking guide she knew was gone. In his place, stood a hot-blooded male. Exhilaration jolted through her as she realized she was the reason for the transformation.

With a hungry urgency, he leaned down and captured her mouth. Months of yearning came to head as his lips pressed hard against hers. Need and desire poured over her like warm honey. She twined her arms up and around his neck, clinging tight. She shuddered as he delved into her mouth—seeking, exploring. The sensation of his tongue was rich and heady. She met him stroke for stroke, passion for passion. It was a kiss of fulfillment and promise.

Gasping for air, she broke away. He frowned and his fingers flexed, not wanting to let her go. Pulling her back to him, he reclaimed her mouth, giving long, drugging kisses. Intoxicated, she let herself go and just feel.

Finally, he pulled back. He rested his forehead rested against hers. Their labored breath mingled together in a ragged pattern. Warm hands glided out of her hair and down her neck, following the lines of her body. His touch was firm and unyielding as if he already laid claim.

“You won’t regret this, Alexis.”

The sincerity of it made her heart clench. Even now, he was reassuring her, supporting her. It made her fall in love with him that much more. She leaned back so he could see the truth. “I trust you,” she said, letting her feelings shine through.

“No more shutting me out.” His voice dropped a notch as he swallowed. Dark whiskey flashed beneath lowered lashes. “I don’t think I could take it.” Naked vulnerability lay open to her. It was a punch to her gut. Quickly, she grabbed his hand and brought it to her chest, placing his palm over her heart.

“I can’t guarantee it won’t happen. It’s a defensive mechanism I’ve used since I was little.” She squeezed his hand when he tried to pull away, pressing it tight against her body. This man, so confident and wonderful, deserved the same reassurance he gave her. She tore down her defenses and bared her soul. “But I promise, Graham, with all of my heart that I will try. I choose you and I will do everything in my power to protect and cherish those feelings.”

His expression softened as her words resonated. He ran a knuckle down her cheek. “We both will.”

Basking in the glow of their pledges, they smiled at each other, lost in the moment. Who knows how long they would stayed like that if a group of noisy hikers hadn’t brought them back to reality. Graham moved them to the side and opened her pack.

“What are you doing?”

“Lightening your load,” he said as he transferred some of her items into his pack. “This should make it easier.”

“Isn’t that cheating?”

A low chuckle escaped his mouth. “We’re hiking, not playing professional basketball. There are no rules.” 

“I just don’t want to take any shortcuts,” she said, thinking back to her father’s letter. He wanted her to take this trip to prove what she was capable of. Wasn’t it taking the easy way out to let someone help her? “I’m supposed to do this on my own.”

“Forget about what you are or are not supposed to do. You may have started this trip because of your dad, but finish it for you. I’ve watched you go from someone who couldn’t run a mile to someone who can run five. Hike these last two miles to the summit because you want to, not because of someone else.” He lifted the pack onto her back. “Feel better?”

She moved her shoulders around. It did feel better. “We should have done this hours ago.”

“If only someone had suggested that,” he said dryly, giving her a quelling look. She sent him a sheepish smile in return.

They hiked out of the snow bank and continued on. The trail traversed through a field of boulders and then twisted up and around the shoulder of the mountain. They hiked along the ridge, moving through numerous granite pillars that created the illusion of stone windows. It offered a stunning view of the national park. She would have moved off the trail to get a better look, except for the fact that the pillars precipitously dropped off. It was steep enough to give her a slight case of vertigo. One misstep and she could go plummeting thousands of feet to her death.

The sun peeked out of the clouds as they neared the summit. She could make out the small brick hut that marked the top of the mountain. Excited, she picked up the pace. She was going to make it. Months of hard work and dedication finally paid off. Her heart nearly burst with joy as she walked those last few yards.

“Finally!” she yelled as she stepped onto the summit. Triumphant, she dropped to her knees and hugged the ground. People turned and stared, but she didn’t care. She’d been dreaming of this moment for weeks.

“Are you just going to lie there?”

She nodded her head, too tired to answer. The muscles in her body relaxed as she closed her eyes and let it all sink in. She, Alexis Graham, hiked for six days and ascended the top of a 14,000-foot mountain. Her friends thought she was crazy for even trying, but she proved them wrong. Satisfaction surged through her.

“You do know you are smack dab in the middle of the trail, right?”

“Your point being?” A gust of wind blew by, whispering its congratulations to her. It cooled the sheen of sweat across her brow and she smiled at the small gift.

“Come on, let’s sign our names in the book.”

“Book?” she asked, yanking her head up.

“There’s a login book at the hut. Everyone who reaches the summit signs it.”

Curious, she let him haul her up and she took in the whole summit for the first time. Surprisingly, it was fairly flat. A thin layer of frost clung to the ancient slabs of granite, making them glisten in the sunlight. Clouds hovered overhead, so close to her, she could almost reach out and touch them.

They took off their packs and walked to the small hut, which stood on the opposite side of the summit. The login book was thick and weathered with hundreds of pages. Row after row of names lined each sheet with the date and a small message.

“How far does this go back?” she asked, a thought occurring to her.

Graham shrugged as he signed his name. “Probably years. I think they replace it only when the pages are filled.”

Her mind spun. Could her dad…? Her pulse beat savagely as she stepped in front of it. With trembling hands, she turned the pages looking back eighteen years. Parts of the names were faded from years of harsh weather and abuse. Squinting, she searched each page, line by line, hoping to find his name. She’d nearly given up when she saw it—her father’s bold, loopy handwriting.

Sam Williams—Every step I took to reach the top was for myself and for my daughter. I couldn’t have made it without my Ladybug...she’s my everything. I love you.

A harsh, jagged sound erupted from her throat. She slapped a hand over her mouth and backed away. Every certainty she held shattered. He hadn’t forgotten her. He loved her. He even dedicated his trip to her—to his ladybug.

Ladybugs were considered symbols of good luck. They reminded people of the need to let go of worries and fear—to enjoy life. He said the minute she was born and he looked at her face, he knew she was his ladybug. She was his joy and he couldn’t have been more lucky or blessed to have her. She hadn’t believed him—until now.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she stumbled to a rock at the edge of the summit. She always made the assumption that her father abandoned her because she wasn’t enough. That nature held his interest more than she ever could, but that wasn’t the case. She remembered the words from his letter.

Just know that wherever I went, I always kept you close to my heart.

He held her in his heart. She was his inspiration. She was his everything. She buried her face in her hands. How did she reconcile the man she resented for so long to the man who loved her so much he wore her around his neck?

Oh God, she thought to herself. The necklace. She’d thrown it away—the one symbol that represented her father’s love. Regret burned as it went down, slowly falling to the pit of her stomach. She couldn’t go back and get it. It was lost forever. 

“You okay?” Graham asked, wrenching her out of her bleak thoughts. He swung his legs over the rock and sat beside her. “I saw what your dad wrote.”

She forced out a sad smile. “Honestly, it’s all very confusing. I thought his love had to be either or. Either he loved me, or he loved hiking, but it turns out he loved us both.” 

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “What’s confusing you?”

She looked out across the vista. The surrounding mountains were bathed in mid-morning sunlight. It highlighted the rocky crevasses hidden in the shadows. “I still don’t understand why he walked out on me. He could have had us both in his life. He didn’t have to choose.”

“It’s easy for someone to get caught up in the adrenaline of something new and exciting.”

“It wasn’t some teenage infatuation. I didn’t talk to him for years.”

He let out a deep sigh. “Pride is a cruel master. It can drive a man to do anything.” At her skeptical look, he explained, “It enslaves you, demanding no weakness. By the time you realize the truth it’s too late. Bridges have already been burned.”

“So you think pride kept him away?”

“Does it really matter what I think?” he posed, drawing her closer till she leaned against his chest. He kissed the crown of her head before tucking her under his chin. “The only opinion that counts in this situation is your own.”

He was right of course. The only problem was that she didn’t know what to think. These past few days had been an emotional roller coaster. It messed with her mind, tying her up in knots.

He smoothed a furrowed line on her forehead. “You don’t have to figure everything out right now. Just enjoy what you’ve accomplished.”

“I know. I just….” She jetted out a breath, thinking of the necklace. “It’s hard to enjoy the moment when I wish could have done things differently.” Her hand rubbed her neck where it would have hung if she’d kept it. Graham went still beside her.

“Not you,” she quickly corrected. “I wouldn’t change a thing with you.” Without a word, he got up and went to his pack. She watched as he rummaged through and then walked back with a closed fist.

“I’m not ready to get married,” she said lightly, a hint of nerves in her tone. His expression gave nothing away as he laid the item on her leg. She gasped in surprise. A small silver charm sparkled up at her. Certain her eyes were playing tricks on her, she blinked, but the ladybug remained.

“I picked it up before we left that day.”

“I-I…” Words escaped her. She’d thrown the necklace into a huge meadow of grass. It would have taken him hours to search for it. Mystified, she looked up at him.

“I had a feeling you’d want it.”

“Graham,” she whispered, the single word a wealth of emotion. He leaned down and brushed a light kiss against her lips. 

“I’m just glad I could find it.”

Still reeling, she threw her arms him. “Thank you,” she said fervently, “for everything. I couldn’t have made it here without you.”

“I’m sure you would have,” he paused and cocked his head to the side, “just maybe not all in one piece.” He threw her a mischievous wink before going off to take pictures.

She shook her head at his words. He didn’t realize she meant more than this trip. He’d impacted her life as a whole. He taught her how to believe in herself, how to trust other people, and most importantly, he taught her how to accept love. The truth was Graham Neelson saved her. Without him, she would have been stuck in a dull, ordinary life. 

Her gaze dropped to the necklace in her lap. Affectionately, she traced the miniature ladybug. She wondered where this little charm had traveled, what type of adventures it had seen with her father. If things were different, would she be the one with a stamped passport and stories to tell? 

She unclasped the leather cord and attached it around her neck. A sense of calm washed over her as the silver ladybug settled in the middle of her chest, right next to her heart. She felt connected to her father somehow, as if the small piece of jewelry tied them together.

Her head tilted back to look at the sky. Her father wanted her to take this trip to experience the same joy he felt while hiking and she did. She understood why he loved it so much. She felt so alive out here—invincible. Reaching the summit proved how strong she really was.

“We better go,” Graham said after awhile. “We still have eleven miles to hike before reaching civilization.” 

“Do we have to?”

“Look who’s become a hiking lover now,” he teased. “Wait till I get you out on the boulders. You’ll love rock climbing.”

She gave him a terrified look. “I’m not propelling down any cliffs or mountains.”

“We’ll see,” he said with a knowing smile. He pulled her up and they began the descent down the mountain.

As she looked back at the summit, she realized she might never fully understand why her father left her. He, himself, might not even know the answer. However, it didn’t matter. The fact was that she couldn’t change the past—no one could—and constantly dwelling on it would only keep the wound fresh. In order to heal, she needed to focus on what she did know. He loved her and kept her in his heart all those years. She knew it wasn’t going to be an easy journey to forgive her father, but she was willing to try.

Clutching her father’s necklace, on the dusty trail up a mountain, she made a vow. She didn’t know what her future had in store for her, but she would choose to concentrate on the good.  She would choose to embrace life…and love.

“Come on, ladybug,” Graham yelled. “I want to take that shower.”

A wide smile broke over her face. With one last look, she said goodbye to the summit and then turned to face her future.