The Artist:

And just like that he was gone…

I opened my eyes and sombre grey was the only colour all around.

The world began to fill in my senses as my world stood empty without him. The crushing crumbling wailing that was raging inside me effectively immixed with the noise around and life suddenly felt disturbing.

I walked back to the car, my mind repeating his smiles, his gaze, his light giggles and the touch of his hands on a loop while I felt my chest tighten.  No matter how many times I tried to sigh it out, the heavy feeling just won’t budge.

“Are you home?” I called Jimin up needing to talk to someone, I just can’t manage to go back to the studio right now.

“Tae…? What’s wrong?” His voice was confused and half in sleep.

“Nothing’s wrong” I tried to put a little chuckle to ease his mind “I am coming over in a while”

“It’s 8 in the morning…what’s gotten into you now?” He literally whined against my words but stopped abruptly when I spoke.

“Chim……he left” I gulped the odd empty feeling clogging my senses, the words were like a lash upon my skin and the silence on the other end made me realize he knew what was going through me as well.

“I’m making your favourite pancakes, don’t be late” he spoke, whines and grogginess instantly flushing away from his voice and I smiled. This is why he is my best friend.

And over breakfast we spoke about all that had happened in the last few days, and about my decision to leave Vienna once and for all.

“Wow…so you’re really serious about this huh?” He said placing another pancake in my plate.

“I am…I have decided to sell the studio, get the stuff shipped to Seoul as soon as possible-“ “Have you really thought this through Tae? I mean I understand that you like him but isn’t this whole thing a bit too hasty? You barely even know him…” concern filled his gaze as he waited for my reply.

Thought it through? What’s there to even think? Even the very thought of him makes me want to hold him close and love him some more, I’d never be able to look at Jin without loving him… 

“Well, I guess that’s what it is…I don’t need to think, I just…need him”  I am in love with the bits of him I have come to know, it’s just so natural, even talking about him makes feel so happy and anxious to see him again.

“So, you’re just gonna give up everything you had planned to do here? What about the Art School you wanted to open?” He was just being thoughtful I guess, but if only he could see what Jin and I have, it’s not something you stumble upon everyday…too good to let go..

“I need him to keep up painting…Chim, I have been dangerously affected by him” I laughed at my own words, and instinctively the memory of him kissing me so needily at the airport flashed through my head “I am just hoping he needs me just as much”

“That’s what worries me, but if it’s what you want then I am with you… I will miss you though” his voice got smaller as he spoke and I smiled going over to engulf him into a hug “I’m gonna miss you too”

I told him about how I had promised Jin to go to him, and how delighted he had been, showed him the letter I had stuffed in my pocket in a haste while he laughed about how ridiculous I looked because of the way I was dressed right now.

“You went to the airport in your pyjamas?!” He cackled listening to how I had lost my mind on waking up to an empty bed and had unmindfully pulled on a coat deciding to head out.

“It’s not that bad you know-” “I have never seen you wear a scarf” he spoke eyeing the blue-green piece of cloth around my neck and I couldn’t help the smile that broke out remembering how Jin had carefully wrapped it around my neck. 

“It’s a gift” I spoke caressing it

I can’t wait to see him again, it’s been mere hours and yet I feel such a void taking over me already…like he created a little home within my heart knowing I’d keep a light on for him forever

After I left the apartment, I decided that I had to put up the studio for sale as soon as possible and by late afternoon I had managed to make arrangements to ship all my stuff to Seoul by the end of the week and was glad to know that within the next fortnight things could be done effectively according to my plan.

Heck I might even be able to see Jin before the month ends.

It was after evening had pulled in when I finally returned to my home and as I stood at the door the entire apartment gazed back at me with gloom, the darkness accusing me for not being able to hold onto the one who had brightened it immeasurably for the last few nights.

I sighed again, locking the door behind me as I let the ever-familiar silence and lonesomeness of my home engulf me yet again. I showered and cooked dinner, taking double the time than usual since I kept getting lost in the memories of the moments he had given me.

My mind blissfully lingered in the pools of emotions he had forgotten to take with him or probably left here intentionally to keep me enchanted

I tried to distract myself as the constant gnawing ache in my chest began to get worse and I decided I’d rather get some work done than sit and helplessly lose myself over and over again to this craving for him.

An hour had passed, and I had managed to send only one mail to my Professor, asking him to give me some suggestions about where I can apply for a job at Seoul.

I realized I needed a steady job if I am really serious about this settling down with Jin, my life as a freelancer had to end.

He makes me think responsibly, I don’t want to be the half-crazy and totally delusional artist anymore who would watch clouds all day just to check how they changed colours with the way the day bent from dawn to dusk, or jumped over fences to hide in vineyards all through summer just to see how the grapes would grow to a juicy violet from pear green or walk through fields of lavender and smell like that all through autumn.

He makes me crazier than my love for colours yet endows a peace more calming than when I run my brush over the blank canvas

I stared at the incomplete painting standing on my easel till it was late into the night “how do I complete it now Jin?”

I sighed feeling the rigid heaviness yet again and my mind brought forth more memories as I remembered the way he smiled at me when I had taken him to the museum the first day he agreed to trust me as his guide, the way he kissed me unabashed at the opera house then got shy the very next moment or when he told me he had never experienced the kind of love I had showered on him.

I smiled edging closer to the easel and decided to paint him anew, let my heart picture and colour him as it wanted, hoping to feel closer to him by reimagining our time and fabricating a million more in my head.

But every time I picked up the brush the silence around overpowered my heart and I decided to put on some music, choosing the piano piece I had heard Jin playing at Jimin’s apartment.

The music filled the studio and I felt surrounded by the glee I had seen break upon him whenever he played. It felt awfully soothing as I imagined it being him who was playing the instrument for me and let my brush glide in its own volition as I spent hours in front of my canvas, forgetting time as I felt at peace losing myself being drowned in snippets of him.

But I was too naïve to realize that it was also the very beginning of my long chain of sleepless nights… 

It was three days since he had left when I picked up my phone half in a daze as I sat putting colour on the canvas way into the night and his voice came through like a call from a dream.

“Hello?” I could almost hear the expectant wonder in his voice.

“Hey…” I have been waiting to hear from you “how are you? How was the flight? How are things back there? Did you resume work?”

“Way too fast Tae, one at a time” I could hear the fondness and the smile in his voice.

“Sure….sorry” I corrected myself, cursing my overeager head under my breath.

“You sound like you have been missing me” a tiny giggle slipped passed his lips, the sound creating bubbles within me.

God you’ve no idea how I crave to have you in my arms right now and keep you here because your absence is like a painful bruise that just won’t stop aching

“Didn’t you?” I tried to hold back my foolish heart from creating the rumbles in my belly as his voice drove my hands to scatter my emotions on the canvas. 

“I do all the time…you have made it so difficult to settle back to the life I had known” the words made me smile ear to ear, knowing that I had such an effect on him feels rewarding.

“Is that Chopin? You’re playing the piano?” His voice turned glittery instantly, sparkling with the shine in his heart.

“No I’m 'listening' to Chopin” because it’s the only way I can fool my heart to believe that you’re around “turns out it kinda clears my head and helps me paint” I spoke to realize that such little white lies were going to be my dear pals from now on as I would try to hide from him how intoxicated he had left me.

“Lucky you, my troubles have taken double the size since I returned” I heard him sigh and, fear and worry gripped at my heart instantly.

“Why? What do you mean by that? What troubles?” I put my brush down focusing entirely on his voice now but he went silent. “Jin, talk to me, what happened?” I could sense the hesitation in him “it’s about that guy isn’t it? What happened Jin please tell me…” I was trying my best to sound composed while my entire being raged against the thought of him being anywhere near that person.

“It’s nothing that serious…you know, I used to live with him, so now he’s just been going around asking about me” his voice grew tiny, almost as if he was scared and this got me more worried.

“Where are you staying now?” “With a couple of my friends, so it’s all good” he was trying to assure me and I tried to put my faith in him but the anxiousness that had gripped at me made my heart shrivel.

“Jin? You won’t hide from me if something’s wrong, right?” I asked but got no reply “Jin?”

“N-No…don’t worry, everything’s f-fine. I can’t wait to see you”

The short silence and the discomfort in his voice had been enough to make me realize things were definitely not right, and he was probably hiding things from me. 

“I’m eager to see you too” I spoke trying to snub my growing concerns and began telling him about the things I had sorted out and done as I prepared a bit more every day to make sure I could be close to him by the end of this month. Eventually his voice and his words, and that nimble laughter got me distracted enough to put my concerns behind me to believe that probably I was over-reacting and that surely Jin could manage well. After all he had been strong enough to take the decision to walk away from that other person, been daring enough to let me into his life and looked eager and happy when I made the promise. So, it’s only fair that I put my faith in him to know what he must do to handle a situation.

The fortnight slowly passed away and I packed up stuff every day, slowly gathering things from my life here to take back with me, my heart growing wilder as I neared the time when I could board the plane to go and see him again.

Jimin would often check on me, I could tell he was worried that I was taking a hasty decision although he wouldn’t say it out loud.

It’s understandable for him to not trust Jin and maybe it was my fault as well because I couldn’t describe in words what Jin made me feel or what he had done to me the moment he had set those pensive brown eyes on me.

It’s only when we meet the right one that we begin to realize how unfortunate our lives before them had actually been and how ignorantly we had been living a half life.  

Yoongi, Hoseok and Jennie were initially too shocked to react to my decision, then mocked at my weakness of getting easily enchanted by pretty things but at the end gathered around and wished me well on this new journey I had decided to venture with nothing but a dream in my head and a heart full of love.

All my life I had dreamed to find a way to hold onto my inspiration, so that it wouldn’t slip my fingers ever-so-often and I’d have to wait for it to find me again…and now that I have found him I am going to hold on to him, a life with him would be my new dream.

So, when the broker told me that they had found a possible buyer for the studio, I agreed without a second thought, calling Jin right next minute to give him the happy news that I would positively be able to go to Seoul by the end of this month. But that was also the first time I heard a clear hesitation in Jin’s voice yet he instantly tried to make the situation lighter telling me that he couldn’t wait to see me again.

And no matter how hard I tried to push back my concerns it wasn’t working. My apprehensions took worser shapes as he kept letting my calls go unanswered, and even when he spoke to me he would sound so disturbed and upset yet wouldn’t tell me what was bothering him so much.

I began feeling helplessly unworthy and realized I had to get to him as fast as possible, there was definitely something wrong.

The month still had a week to end when I had finally managed to get everything done, cleared out the apartment, shipped the stuff, got the paperwork for the studio all done and got my tickets to fly back home. I had planned to surprise him by arriving early.

But what I hadn’t guessed was being surprised myself with the most shocking possible scene I could ever imagine.

As I walked up to the security personnel at the gate to his workplace, telling the man to inform Seokjin that someone had come to see him, I was told that he had already excused himself to come down to meet a visitor. Being fairly surprised and questioning myself if he had come to know about my arrival some way. I rounded the corner to follow the directions given to me by the guard I had met at the gate. 

That was the moment my dream shattered and chilling cracks raked through my insides while the pain of betrayal and lashes of vehement disrespect tore through me making me freeze in my very spot as I watched Jin wrapped in another man’s arms, their mouths moulded together.   

Something broke inside me at the time and I felt nothing for awhile, just unrelenting emptiness till it was being replaced by pure severe rage against the very man I had come to love with all my heart. 

My hands shook with violent fury although I have never been the violent kind, I fought my instincts and turned around to walk away…..mocking myself for being such a fool for him, an emotional idiot who couldn’t even read real intentions being too taken with the fanciful ideas in my head.

I hurried out of the compound and froze on the sidewalk, staring down at the asphalt as I tried to stop myself from acting out on my raging impulses.

Passersby murmured about my odd state as I stood unmoving and heaving in hurt as pain kept choking my airways making it difficult to breathe and minutes passed but I couldn’t care about anything. I was a man whose entire world was breaking apart while I tried to hold myself together, a man who had left his comfortable little world to come to an unknown city in the hope of being guided by the one who promised to love me back.

I should have known something so beautiful would most likely be unattainable…I had never been that lucky anyway.

But what do I do now?

How do I survive without a head and a heart?

I don’t think he understood what I had so selflessly given him, I don’t think he realized that all the love I had ever held within me went to him…I had nothing left to live on.

á na márië

[A\N] It was a bad idea to listen to 'Scenery' while writing this... please overlook the tear stains in between the lines :')

Borahae 💜