The Dreamer:

“What else?”

“I think we got everything” I spoke trying to remember the grocery list we had prepared at breakfast in the morning but forgot to take it when we left in a hurry to start our day.

Usual mistakes…harmless mistakes…

My eyes fall on a cake…strawberry and vanilla. I have developed quite the sweet craving since the beginning of my pregnancy but then I debate on it…been putting on too much weight and it’s not too good either. So, I choose to amble ahead, trying to not think about how good it’d taste…how it’d be the perfect midnight dessert…or a little snack whenever I feel hangry.

We get to the billing counter and I sigh seeing the queue there, it’s already been a long day and November nights are rather chilly. I shuffle closer to Tae, leaning on him as I see an incoming call light up the screen of his phone.

“It’s your mum” he informs and I hastily check to see my own phone, realizing only then that the battery had died. He picks up the call, smiling to himself as he answered her usual questions and nods assuring her common concerns, forgetting that she can’t really see us before he hands me the device.

[“You’re phone’s off…how are you?”]

“I’m fine mum…the battery died, we still haven’t gotten home…will charge as soon as I reach” I speak my eyes staying on Tae as he puts the stuff on the billing counter, and I smile to myself when I catch him placing the cake I had eyed earlier.

And this is why he is who he is…many would call that romantic, I call it his way of saying he cares…he cares enough to know what I don’t say.

[“It’s freezing outside…dear lord you’re gonna fall sick Jin and you’re already six months along…be careful-”]

“Mum I just said I’m fine…so’s the baby, don’t worry…things are going well…how are you all doing? Did dad stop that idiot from buying that sports bike he’s been going on about? That’s a racing grade vehicle…he’s gonna end up in a hospital with that!”

I felt Tae weave his fingers with mine the moment we stepped out of the store as he tugged me to follow along while I stayed busy on the call.

He does it as just another normal thing, whenever I’m on call on the road or maybe distracted with something else, I feel his fingers thread with mine as he quietly ensures to keep me from bumping into dangers, guiding me along to safety so that I don’t go astray and I instinctively let him every time, knowing I’d trust him just like this to keep me safe…always.

I guess this is how we trust the people we chose to keep close…with every small action they do to prove they care, with every gesture they show towards paying a little attention towards us because after all we don’t really seek extravagant love…what we truly seek is someone who would take the time to try to understand us... show through their intentions that they care.

I am not sure if people would call me too simplistic…or if one would call my simplistic need the result of being unloved for years...but to me a heart who is kind enough to want to honestly understand another is rare…to me that would be the best gift one could give me…

My fingers tighten on his as I finish with the call and scoot closer to his side, pressing my head a little to his shoulder as a smile involuntarily breaks on my lips because I fail to keep my happiness within bounds to know I am truly lucky to have that someone.

“Are you cold?” He guesses as he turns to see me pressing myself to his side and I shake my head.

“No…I’m great” the smile on my lips goes wider as I stare at him as we walk down the sidewalk towards our home “thank you.”

“For what?” He frowns with a chuckle, smiling at me.

“For guiding me to get lost with you” it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me… 

…and it was 2 am when we sat cocooned on the couch, our feet freezing and yet sweat clung on us due to our recent love making was when we sat down to have the cake…and I was pretty sure I was going to have an upset stomach and will probably be puking it out in the morning but at that moment, enjoying the dessert in the chill of the soundless night as I leaned against him, the way he’d kiss me like he didn’t know what else to do when he wanted to let me know how valuable these little things were for him as well and we talked about yesterdays’ smiles and tomorrows’ hopes…and everything looked so beautiful…as if I was watching life through a little lens that spilled gold light on every moment I spent being in love with him…it made time look like a polaroid picture that you know you’d forever keep…and look at it on the days life got hard...tell yourself that it isn’t a lie they say when they tell us life can be beautiful too…even if it’s for a mere moment, it surely can…

“Ready?” Shownu, the violinist of our team asks giving me a smile as I struggle to fix the lapel pin.

“Yeah…just I’m-” he takes it from me and pins it where it should be.

“There…all done” he smiles again “we go on in fifteen minutes…you ready?”

I nod, giving him a forced smile “yeah…n thanks.”

“You kidding me…?” He smooths his blazer before pushing his hands into his pocket “I just earned a smile from you after two whole months of you just nodding at me…the pleasure is all mine.”

He gives a little bow and walks away with a smirk, and I try not to roll my eyes at him.

This is the reason everyone at the studio calls him a typical flirt.

I take in a deep breath and exhale loudly, my nerves aren’t their best…well, it isn’t easy being in the second trimester and look a sharp pianist. It’s been months since I have even tried to dress this formally.

I'm a little nervous about how I'm going to give my best during the final round of the music competition that's scheduled some time within the next couple of weeks. Today is just one of those easier performances, where our troupe will be performing as an orchestra for a few singers, it's a sort of concert. So, we're mostly going to be heard and not really seen. It's not really easier but just the assurance that people will only judge my art and not me... and yet I can't help but think about how bloated I look, cursing myself now for having the cake.

My hand goes onto my belly as I check if I’m gonna be comfortable enough in these pants to sit and play the keys.

Well, it’s not that bad…but then again I’m not Beyonce…I’m not sure I can strut on stage in heels being very pregnant…that woman is a goddess!

“Oh! Look at you…gorgeous and glowing as always” Hyolyn comes to my side in an elegant pastel peach dress that complimented her figure perfectly.

“Don’t make fun of me…” I shy away towards the mirror again, trying to ensure that my pregnant belly is not too obvious but that’s close to impossible at this stage.

“Honey…that’s not gonna work” a giggle in her voice as she checks me out, she comes around in front of me and unbuttons my blazer “you don’t have to hide it…flaunt it…be proud…be very proud that you are able to give yourself and the man you love such a reward of your love…”

“Sometimes you sound like Tae” a smile erupts on its own as I am reminded of the way he keeps telling me to embrace life as it comes n not shy away. I decide to take the suggestion, it sure is easier to breathe and more comfortable with the blazer being unbuttoned.

“I often think about asking you to bring him to have dinner at my place, my daughter loves you already and Kihyun thinks you’re the prettiest man he’s ever seen” she rambles on “but I’m a bit scared”

I look at her to understand why would she be scared.

“You talk so fondly of him…I’m scared that I might fall for him, besides…I totally have a thing for painters…they sound so…dreamy” she hums to herself “I mean…who wouldn’t fall for a man who’d stalk you being bewitched by you because he wanted to paint you…*sighs* that’s just soooo romantic…”    

I hit at her shoulder for overdoing her dramatics and hear her giggle at my side “stop mocking me...will you?”

“I'm definitely not mocking you! I'm just envious” she exclaims “I mean most of us have stories like, met in a club...went to college together...found on a dating site” she sighs again “and then there's people like you... caught the eye of an artist thousands of miles away from home n then he follows you back because he was entranced, people who find love while running from life...”

“And what's there to be envious about? It's not like we didn't have our share of ups n downs...” I speak running my fingers through my hair one last time before we go onto the stage.

“Because she’s a cougar” Sungjae’s voice cut in behind us.

“Don’t badmouth me jerk, I fixed you up with my friend and you fucking ruined it…she told me what an ass you were to her on your date” Hyolyn hisses at him.

“Your friend was two timing me! What did you expect me to do? Stay quiet n pretend I was enjoying being made a fool of?!”

“Well, she just began dating after her big breakup…you can’t blame a girl for checking out her options” she shrugs casually ignoring the accusations “if you had what she was looking for then she wouldn’t have sought another…I’m just saying you know…”

“You know what Seokjin, people who play the flute has a lot of practice in blowing…I bet that’s only reason her husbands’ still around” he side-eyes Hyolyn who looked like she was about to bash his head in with her flute.

“Uhh…I think we should go…I’m sure it’s about to start” I try to keep them from killing each other right before the performance...but I know for a fact that this is just who they are. 

I have made two friends at the studio and both of them are relics you could auction…nah I’m joking…they’re fun people, way better than the colleagues I had at the company…those people were the real cougars.

Hyolyn and Sungjae have been friends with each other since forever, they just were kind enough to let me tag along and I am not sure when I actually became their friend, or when they became such enjoyable company to me.

I have been thinking about planning for a lunch and let them meet Tae but the off days he gets I can’t find the heart to tell him to go out n meet people since those are usually spent in me sitting and watching him paint…or me sitting and him painting me.

I have often thought about how they'd actually react to meet Tae, they're always mocking at me for being the most hopeless romantic they've ever met...calling me the iconic Starry Night who was fated to enchant a sleepless Van Gogh.

However, I wasn’t really expecting them to react like the way they are doing now.

I walk out of the crowd of people celebrating after the performances, people huddling to commend and congratulate or invite to the afterevent party they have arranged which I cordially deny because it was rather late already and all I wanted to do was go home and cuddle with Tae n have that leftover cake when Hyolyn blinks at me with blank eyes.

“There’s a Taehyung waiting for you at the foot of the stairs” she speaks still blinking at me.

“Oh” I wasn’t really expecting Tae to come to pick me up, although I had a feeling he would because it is freezing cold tonight and he doesn’t like the idea of me taking the subway in the cold evening.

“Damn Seokjin” she speaks in a hush “no wonder you fell in love in a day…who wouldn’t…and I thought you’re the prettiest person ever…”

“He is” Shownu passes by, the smirk resting on his lips still before he was lost in the crowd again.

“Fucking ass...” Hyolyn cursed under her breath at him and turning around I tugged her along when I saw Tae entering the hallway. His eyes hopped over the crowd to set on mine from across the space and the little smile the passes over his features makes my cheeks flare.

“Yeah…totally understandable” Hyolyn teases to see the colour on my cheeks “if I were you I’d have married him yesterday”

I push back the laugh and walk towards him as he reaches up to me.

“Why didn’t you come inside the auditorium it’s warmer inside…” I speak as I see his nose and cheeks a bitter red from the cold, his lips chaffed as he licks at it.

“I arrived a little while ago so…” he speaks stealing a glance around “how was the performance? Did you enjoy?”

“It was fine…but it went on a longer than the schedule because the singers arrived a little late…so we had to adjust it accordingly” I feel a pinch at my back and realize the mistake I had made “oh umm meet Hyolyn”

She beams at him, bowing shortly and Tae presents a hand for a shake and then awkwardly pulls it back to chose to bow back at her.

“I’ve heard a lot about you” she chimes “finally met the artist, hopefully someday we’ll get to see some of your art too”

He smiles back “sure thing…I’ve heard about you too from Jin, I think it’s events like these that teach us that there’s so much talent bustling around in plain sight…real people with tremendous gifts.”

I am not sure if this is unique to him or is it the thing about all painters…they see everything in a certain depth, which is there but only a rare few can perceive. I mean when I look around, I see a violinist, a flutist, a cellist, an oboe player, pianists…but when he sees, it’s as if all these drape themselves in some mystic colour and beautify themselves before presenting before his eyes and he sees glowing talents and vibrant powers in these normal people who somehow someday happened to fall in love with the way an instrument and some odd vibrations in the air made them feel.

As if everything wears a halo and only his eyes can see it…

I wonder what the world would be like if we all began to have eyes like his…eyes that saw what people don't say or what hearts fear to reveal...?  

“Hey…” I whisper leaning closer, my lips brushing against his jaw as I let my fingers run down his neck “wake up…you’re gonna be late”

I don’t know why the smile breaks upon my lips when I feel his arm snaking around my waist as he pulls me into his embrace, mumbling in his sleep as he places a sleepy kiss at my temple.

Have you ever felt time slow down around you?

The world pausing so that you could live in a moment for more than just a moment…

But what do you do when you want every passing moment to stay a little longer…?

I drag my fingers over his brow, soft tresses threading in between my fingers as he sleeps, looking carelessly ignorant to what such a simple thing as watching him peacefully breathing next to me can do to my heart.

“Tae…wake up…you’re seriously gonna be late otherwise” a giggle slips my mouth as I try to disentangle myself, pushing at his chest as I peck at his cheek and whisper to him “what kind of a professor is late for class?”

“One who is lucky enough to actually have some sleep” his voice is raspy, a lopsided smile erupting on his lips while his eyes still stayed closed and he denied to let me get up.

The words make me think upon something that I know has been going in his mind for the last few days as well but every time I try to bring it up, he kinda pushes it back.

And I know why…

We often are more scared of taking up an opportunity than losing it, probably because trying and then failing it scares us more than never trying at all.

Or maybe he’s yet again pushing back things that he wishes for because the situation around seems unsuitable to wish for it…

He was offered an opportunity to exhibit his artwork in one of the most esteemed art exhibitions’, the curator himself called him to let him know that there were many who wished to see him put up his work to surprise their hearts as he had done before and I had to watch him deny the offer as he let them know that he won’t be able to keep his word to him this time, a forced smile on his lips as he spoke while he tried his best to not show how much he wished for it.

“I was thinking about something…” I spoke watching him softly breathing, this groggy ruffled start of everyday a dear sight to me.

“Mhmm…what?”

“The final round of the music competition is in a week n I’m going to be really busy with it…” I speak against the comfortable silence “how’bout you make a visit to Vienna in the meantime…and attend that art exhibition?” 

He was suddenly awake, a frown crimping on his brow as he stared at me “what are you talking about?”

“I know” I scoot a little closer to him “Tae…please…”

He removes his hand from around me, turning away to get up “I thought we talked about this Jin…don’t keep bringing it up…it doesn’t help...besides, right now I can't...”

His voice was a little cold.

“Why can’t you?” I sit up, resilient as well now.

“It doesn’t work like that” he walks into the washroom and I follow after, not in the mood to let him push it away again.

“Then what way does it work?” I ask placing myself by his side at the sink as I follow him and begin brushing my teeth.

By the time he’s done he pauses and sighs “I can’t go there and leave you alone here” “I’m gonna be fine…it’s only for a week, I’m not a kid Tae…you’re kinda being ridiculous now” my voice is a little high because this is the one thing I do not want…I don’t want to be the reason he gives up on things that are dear to him. I know what it can do to someone, I have lived through it n I regret it...I don't want him to have the same regrets later.

“Ok…Ok…I understand…but there’s still a hundred more things to-” “Like what?”

“I’ll need a week off from the university” “Manage it…I’m sure professors need breaks too” I speak matter-of-factly.

“I’ll have to talk to a lot of people…it’s been a while since I’ve been to these…I was having a tough time painting even before I met you..” “And yet you’re ready to let this opportunity go?”

“It’s not about letting go…I’m... I'm not sure…” he pauses again turning towards me now and I can sense the hesitation in him as he goes silent.

“I...for the past few months…since I have met you” his eyes drop to the sink, hand setting at it’s edge and it looks as if this is a confession he is making “I have only painted you…it's all I could paint...”

I breathe...staring at him, waiting for him to continue.

“When I first decided I needed to paint you, it was different…I wanted the world to see what I could see, I wanted the aura you held before my eyes to be perceived by all who'd see my painting…so that they too could feel what I was feeling…it’s an ecstasy of a different kind and I have dozens of work and it’s all you…but the thought of letting the world see you as I have…it unsettles me now…I feel…afraid…lost…and more importantly, there’s this fear in me that it might feel to you like I’m using you for my art…maybe I am…and this unsettles me more…way more than you can expect…”

I stand there before him as we share the silence that sets in before I move closer, deciding to speak.

“I don’t mind” I circle my arms around him “I don’t mind being the object for your art…I don’t think the lovers of poets got offended when they wrote pages in their praise…why then is painting my body be any less of a praise?”

His eyes come to find mine, deep and calm as he gazes at me before I feel fingers caressing my jaw in affectionate touches “I’m not saying I’m proud of it but stalking you around Vienna that day was the best decision I have ever made.”

I smiled up at him before he pressed his lips on mine.

If being with him has taught me something then it is that every art is a declaration of love of the artist...be it in words, music or colours...

But it is in loving him that I learnt that he spills this declaration of his love beyond the canvas...he spills it over every little thing he does...even in the way his eyes adore me...

á na márië.

[A\N] and they say you never die if an artist falls in love with you...

💜

It takes me a lot of courage to sit to write a chapter of this story...I don't know why, it just does...