The Artist:

"Come away with me" I spoke still holding him in my arms. He stared back wide-eyed, assessing the truth in my words "you promised you'll move in with me if I came to you...you promised to give me a chance Jin."

His teary eyes looked pale, I couldn't tell if he was startled or hurt or tired.

"Come back to Seoul with me" the moment I say the words I see his face pale further.

I wait for him to say something and watch him slowly drop his gaze.

"You said you're selfish..."

He spoke softly still keeping his eyes to the floor and truthfully I'm a little confused. I had guessed that he might roar and curse at me, even deny to accept my apology but I was hopeful, very hopeful that this would work...how could it not?

I have looked at him through so many shades and despite the situation I have loved him in each...even when I felt my insides crushed and my brain numbed with an insurmountable pain, I have loved him...for no one else could ever make me feel so much...so alive even in torment, almost as refulgent as in smiles...

"I am, am I not?" I couldn't stop my unruly fingers from grazing against his cheek "I think to be desperate to be loved by the one you want is the most selfish thing in the world...especially when you've foolishly hurt them, forgetting how precious they are to you..."

I see Jin gulp again as he bit onto his lower lip as he shook his head, biting down a sniffle in the process "I am way more selfish than you" he blurted, looking at me like a guilty child.

"Over the past months I realized something" he brought his hand to touch my fingers still caressing his cheek "when I was in Vienna, I was running from my life...running away because things felt way too hard, I felt like I was breaking" he softly sobbed before continuing "to be honest I agreed to spend time with you because I was scared to be alone...you were a stranger, who knew nothing about me...to you I had no heavy past, there were no expectations...I was just myself, a soul waiting to feel lost enough to forget everything that weighed down on me"

I listen to him not knowing how to react to the utter truthfulness in his words...he feels guilty and is trying to come clean but I don't see why must he feel guilty. He chose a path for himself and I happened to meet him on that very road...Coincidence...? Fate...? Miracle...? Accident...?

The world may call it whatever they feel...

"I should've reported you that day-"

I perked up a little, getting confused if he really meant it...I mean after all these months and severe heartache, he's still thinking about reporting me because I followed him around for a few hours? I think he really hates the fact that he had met me in Vienna...I pale a little thinking about it and growing fearful of what he was going to say next.

"...but I didn't, instead I invited you to have dinner with me. I was thrilled about the way you just offered to be my guide...heck I was so stupidly delighted that I cancelled the other destinations I was supposed to visit just so I could spend all the time with you in Vienna!"

Wait a minute...what?! That'd mean...I gulp staring at him...he liked me even before I told him that I wanted 'us' to be together.

"I agreed to model for you because I was greedy...I wanted your eyes on me all the time, it made me feel so valued...like I mattered, my wishes mattered...my happiness mattered" he sobbed out and clumsily rubbed the tears and truthfully it ached to see him be like this...why was he so awfully hurt? How could he live with this kind of pain everyday?

"But I'm so so selfish" he shook his head looking severely guilty again "I made you give up on your dream, I didn't tell you that you did not need to come to Seoul for me...not once did I tell you that your dream is important too..."

He stared at me with anxious pained tearful eyes "I could not tell you that I will stay with you...if I really loved you Tae I should have stayed but I hesitated" he dropped his gaze and I saw is shoulders shaking incessantly "I wasn't sure if you'd keep loving me the way you did once that desire and lust would run out"

The room fell silent a bit and I watched him stare out the window avoiding my eyes for some reason "I have seen someone fall out of love with me...and it's terrifying" he gulped as I saw his lips quiver "to see someone who adores you suddenly feel nothing for you at all...and even try to hurt you...it's as if all those moments of love were nothing but useless images in my head...it's not an easy thing to accept..."

I wish I could speak...I wish I could do something to let go of that heavy pain that's living within him.

"Life is so cruel at times...how easily a promise of forever becomes a haunting memory" he chuckles sadly before finally turning back to me, his eyes much stronger now and resilient for some reason.

"People are oceans and most of the time we can't even see what's beneath the surface"

I am a bit stunned with how cold he looks right now, his tears had gone dry and he stared me dead in the eye.

"You and I...we had four days together Tae, you don't know what's my way out of anxiety...I don't know how you deal with your troubles...you were right, despite the happy time we spent, we are actually strangers to each other...and I think that's the reason we fell so briskly into each other's arms...it was so easy, like a dream that I knew couldn't come true...we don't really bother thinking about the consequences about such things too much, do we? It's just a dream after all..."

"Jin...?" Alright...this hurts...what does he even mean? Didn't I tell him the very first time that I'll not be like an one night stand for him? We had a promise...we planned a future together...I love him with everything I got, doesn't he realize that I'd give up on anything just for him?

"I don't want to bring a baby into this...this confusion" "What are you talking about? What confusion?" I blurt and realize my words were a bit angry.

"I don't want a baby be the sole thing holding us together" he voices a little louder, eyes decided and argumentative as he exhaled loudly "I have put our baby up for adoption, I have found a family who are looking forward to have him"

I feel the words tear through me...I had ardently believed that if I came here it will all be fixed, he will forgive me and we could have another go at our plan to make our happily ever after come true along with our child.

"Jin you don't need to do that...I want to take care of him with you" I voice trying to understand this resilience in him.

He shakes his head "this is what I don't want...don't you see it? It's the same thing over and over again!" He pulls away from me "I'll be bound again...I'll have to stay, always stay...I want my freedom!"

"Why does having me and our child with you feel like being bound? I'm not going to stop you from anything you like to do...anything you want you can do that...I'd never make you stay forcefully Jin, if I wanted to do that, I'd keep you tied to me in Vienna." I realize his words cut through me harshly and I feel myself getting worked up "why would you even say this?"

"I want to play the piano...I want to create..." he looks at me with pleading eyes and I don't understand why is he being like this when he stuns me some more "and I want you with me...and I want our baby...and I want to watch you painting...I want you to make me feel again...please...I am so empty..." he breaks down sobbing as he kneels on the ground "I want all the things that make me happy...I just want to be happy...will you please tell me that I can be happier?"

I rush to him, pulling him into my arms as my eyes water to see how utterly broken he was...shit! Is this pregnancy hormones? I'm so worried about him now...what had hurt him this badly? How much did Namjoon actually hurt him? God why would he stay with such a guy only to be scarred so terribly?

I realize I had no words to say to this except "put your faith on me once again Jin, let me love you again...I'll let you know me n I'll try everyday to know you...I'll paint for you n you can sing for me...and we'll have our own world and we'll have our own freedom."

He cried digging his head into me and I caress his back "and this child...I'd love if we can have him, but if you think you're not ready then I understand...I-I will try to accept your decision" ah fuck this hurts...it's like I just knifed myself but I understand Jin is struggling, an unwanted pregnancy must be too much...might even be adding to his anxiety, I can't really force him through greater torture of rearing the child if he doesn't want to...that could end badly for both Jin and the baby.

"Jin...?" I set my head on his wanting to hear him at least say something "baby please...could you trust me with your heart just once?"

"I'm scared..." he mumbles "what if you call me a stranger and leave again? I can't-" "I did say I'm sorry about that" I sighed against him cursing myself yet again for being an immature idiot.

He pulls back and tries to rub away the tears with the back of his hand and I can't possibly explain how adorable and small and hurt he looked. I cup his face, helping him to rub the tears away and leaned in to press my lips on his forehead. I felt him grab at my shirt softly "Tae...?"

He asks as I peck at his temple again my hand resting on his jaw "hmm"

"Did you complete the painting of me?" He mumbles into my chest "I've been wanting to see it for a while now"

I smile to myself, regretful of my incompetence...wish I could tell him that he had taken my power to create with himself and the way I had struggled the past months.

"Soon" ...hopefully very soon, and then I will complete the million more I had tried to create in your absence...failing dreadfully every damn time.

"So, what was it that you wanted to tell me?"

"Nothing important actually...doesn't matter anymore anyway" I kissed the top of his head and felt him hug me tighter and sigh against me.

"I missed this..." he mumbled "you don't know how much I wanted this through the last few months...it's so easy to feel comfortable when I'm in your arms"

I smiled against his soft hair, pressing another peck "my hands work better when I know I can hug you like this whenever I want to" I let him have his peace as he snuggled into me "I'm sorry I wasn't with you to help you with the pregnancy..." I debate if I should or should not as I place my hand over his stomach and feel him stiffen a bit but he doesn't pull away from me neither does he brush my hand off.

The bump is small but I can feel the way his belly had grown beneath his loose shirt, I caress ever so gently...my child...our little boy...how can I not be fond? How can I not build up hopes?

Honestly nothing...I swear nothing prepares us for such a thing, more so when you have to tell yourself that it's not meant to be. I close my eyes telling myself yet again that the decision was for the best as I stop my heavy sigh...the regret though is that this is all I wanted...Jin and me with our children...a perfect future.

"I worry about one thing only" Jin's voice is small as he speaks pulling my attention away from the pain coursing within me.

"What if he is born with a talent like yours and doesn't ever understand what he could do with it because his dad didn't show him? I'll feel so guilty for ruining such a gift..." his voice is shaky and I feel my heart clench with the thought...an artist who can't express is sure to be doomed being driven to madness, he'd feel suffocated to be stuck in the ordinary.

"Well, the same goes if he gets yours" I speak imagining our boy try his little fingers on those monochrome keys and how much I'd love to see Jin spend hours to let him memorise the notes to finally be as good as him.

I should not...I really should not...

"He'd need us to help him out, right?" He pulls back and looks up at me, gulping with wide hopeful eyes.

"Yes...he'll always need us...and we'll always need to help him out" I feel my heartbeat rise to see the way he was looking at me, my breaths heightened with the hope I could see gleaming in his eyes.

"I think I'd love to watch you teach him to paint...there can't possibly be anything more adorable than watching that..." his eyes crease with the way he smiled and for a moment I could see the same sparkle of bright happiness I had seen when I had taken him to watch that opera performance in Vienna.

I caress his cheeks, cupping his face again and could feel my eyes water as my heart went weak...goodness why can he do this to me?

"Nothing more adorable..." I mumble to myself leaning in and pressing my mouth on his...I wanted to share that smile of his so I could smile along.

á na márië.

[A\N] oh god the 'Film Out' mv✨✨ their vocals keep smashing hearts harder every damn time!! 💜💜

However I gotta admit, not having that bh official intro at the beginning kinda hit me...it had become a habit of my heart to rush n rejoice whenever that intro appeared😔🥺

Stay safe and healthy! Love you 😘