The Dreamer:

How do you deny your heart to feel? How do you fool it to believe it is strong enough? Especially when you know you’re so so weak to the way he can enchant you to a level of utmost powerlessness…

“I didn’t know you could sing” he spoke being completely unaware of how many nights I had spent crying to myself begging to my cruel fate to hear that deep lulling bass of his voice…praying that I may never forget it because of the way it could make me dream.

“That was a brilliant performance by the way, and congratulations” he smiled making me feel more defenceless.

So, I looked away, walking to the table where I had left my stuff and packed them up unmindfully, my head was utterly messed up and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.

I had so much to say to him…but couldn’t decide where to begin.

“Hey…ready to go?” Dad peeked inside the green room, eyes moving from me to Taehyung as he caught the hint of awkward tension in between us “your Mum’s waiting in the car”.

I nodded and he spoke to a fidgety Taehyung next “if you don’t have plans then do join us for dinner” both of them then turned to me as if asking me if it was okay as I stood there awkwardly in the middle of the entire mess.

“Y-Yeah…let’s go…I’m tired…” wrong choice of words again I guess since now both of them looked worried and came forward to help me carry my stuff, pulling my bag n stuff away to carry those against my several assurances that I’m fine and I don’t need them to help me out or anything but neither of them listened.

Dad headed ahead and the two of us walked through the hallway as several people congratulated me, and although I was busy nodding and bowing to their appreciation, I could feel Taehyung’s eyes on me as he walked along with me. A silent company and yet I felt like suddenly I had the world on my side again…

It’s happening again…I have been craving so utterly for a bit of tenderness that he’s winning over me without even trying…

The ride back was the most awkward situation I have faced in my life!

No one spoke except Mum and I bet the rest of us were just trying to survive the short ride, and I was madly praying that she wouldn’t just blurt out about me being pregnant…I still need time to get there, to know why he is here, what is it that he is here for n where do we stand.

He said he had met Moonbyul but I don’t remember her telling me anything about it…I don’t understand what is actually going on.

However, one thing I’m very sure about…my mum seems delighted to have him here, I pray she won’t say anything to him that’d make me seem like a complete fool but you know how she is…sigh…I just wish I could make her understand that things between me and Taehyung were very different from how it looked.

When I told her about the escapade I had had in Vienna n how I had met Taehyung there, she seemed enraptured by it all. She thinks he loves me and it’s all romantic and stuff, how we had started out n how he had promised to come back to find me…but the truth is even I don’t know if it’s actually love he felt for me…his actions n sudden outburst of rage made me feel that probably it was some sort of wild infatuation he had felt for me, which when threatened with an unlikely circumstance…broke his dream…

And I believed it was over between us…that he had fallen out of love…I had seen it in his eyes that day on the pavement…he didn’t look at me the way he used to…that day there was no trace of fondness or love…all that burned in his eyes was anger and hatred…in that moment he hated me for breaking his dream…and I felt that in that moment of hatred we had lost all our love and all our dreams…

And that’s why when I saw him walking down the aisle in the music hall I was literally struck, not believing what I was seeing as he spectre-like stood gazing at me…and his eyes, those burning balls of anger I had seen last time were now pools of pain and wistful dreams and infinite affection.

I didn’t know what to do…I was stupefied.

“Talk to him while I make dinner, n just get things settled Jinnie” Mum spoke grasping at my arm as the others left the car.

“Mum…it’s complicated” I grumbled against her hushed instructions.

“Well then un-complicate it n stop being stubborn, you’ll only hurt yourself more” she spoke making me feel more cornered and I headed inside denying to stand there and listen to her.

I know why she was so eager to see us work out…I know she’s completely against me about giving up on the baby, she wants us to be the perfect little family n hates the thought of my baby being brought up by someone else. But I’m not sure about what I want n I don’t want to do anything driven by emotions like last time, it ended up being a complete mess n I can’t take another such blow to my heart…it will wreck me, I’ll probably go crazy.

One thing I had learnt from our sour experience was that I didn’t know Taehyung enough and neither did he, and that was the reason I couldn’t take the decision of leaving everything my life and just agree to stay with him in Vienna and neither could he trust me enough when I said that what he had seen between me and Joon was a misunderstanding.

We had our flaws…our own short comings and the most crucial one was we only knew what made the other happy but were yet to learn how to not hurt each other n how to take care of the other’s heart.

I walked inside to see Kook nowhere around and heard Dad and Taehyung awkwardly trying to make conversation in the living room. I halted before entering the living room to listen to him talk about how he had taken up a job at the university to teach art history. 

“And what about painting?” I asked walking in and saw his eyes snap up to set on mine, there was an odd pause and silence that hung in the air as we waited for the other to initiate conversation and my dad quite instantly took up the cue to excuse himself.

Taehyung got up from the couch walking towards the piano at the other end of the room, running his fingers over the monochrome keys “you have a wonderful home Jin” glancing my way to give me a short smile “I understand now why you took the decision to come back here” he turned around to face me fully as he leaned casually against the piano, eyeing me the way you’d gaze at a piece of art.

“Why couldn’t you just call me instead of writing all those letters? I’d come earlier you know…I almost went crazy looking for you”

I stood dumbfounded, having nothing to say to those words.

“I guess you’re just going to keep up with this silent treatment eh?”

I didn’t know what to say…what letters? I never sent him any…!

I looked at him more confused than before but there was so much fondness in his eyes that it made my heart falter “w-what letters?”

He looked at me like I was joking and stuffed his hand into his pocket “you didn’t think they’ll reach me?” He smiled briefly, but then his face became confused too as he stared realizing I wasn’t actually joking.

“I have bundles of them” he said as if to prove that he wasn’t lying and I stood watching as he walked back to his duffle on the couch, hastily rustling through his stuff to clutch at a cluster of envelopes and the moment I watched him unfold one as he walked back to me my heart dropped as I figured what had happened.

I swore that if it is what I think it is then I’m gonna have a huge fight with mum.

I paled realizing it was actually what I had feared…they were pages from my diary…it was like pages that held my hearts most snubbed secrets, things I could never actually say out loud were now open for him to read.

I gulped feeling so tiny n embarrassed as he held me captive, those eyes waiting for me to accept that I am a fool for him…

“So, you didn’t write these?” There was a hint of tease in his voice as he questioned, trying to read my eyes as he stared into me.

I stole those from him instantly, snatching those as he watched me suddenly startled at my actions. “I didn’t write them for you” I realized I was complaining and angry and tearful “I wrote them for me! I wrote them because I didn’t know how else to deal with what I was feeling! They’re mine! You had no right to read them!”

I clutched them to my chest, tears streaking down my cheeks but I wasn’t really bothered about it…I’ve kept everything hidden within me for a really really long time…I can’t take it anymore!

I can’t believe mum would do this! How could she send my diary pages to him!?! I feel so betrayed…!

“Don’t cry…please…I thought you sent those to me…why are you getting so angry?” He cupped my face, tilting my head to meet his eyes as he thumbed away the incessant tears “what’s the use of writing your emotions so beautifully if no one ever looked at the pages and thought to himself ‘damn I’d love this human so much he’d forget how to be sad’” he spoke with a voice deeper than the hum of a winter night, his pensive thumb still caressing my cheek as a soft smile played on his lips.

If this is supposed to be a test to try my resistance to his charms then I’m badly failing…how can he be this good at stealing all that I planned to be selfish about keeping to myself?!

“Don’t be so angry with me please…I’m really sorry, I know it was mean of me to get angry with you that day but Jin I-I was so angry…I couldn’t function normally…I screwed up n it hurts me too!”

I bit down a gasp and my heart stuttered as I felt him pulling me closer, his hands still cupping my face “I made a mistake Jin…I’m only human, I reacted in the worst possible way but wouldn’t it hurt you too if the situation had reversed?”

“You don’t trust me. If you had trusted me, you’d let me explain…you’d listen to me” I thought I was angry n the words would come out as scathing but when I spoke they were so soft n whiny, like a child complaining of being wronged and I felt more tears spill as I looked into his eyes as he shook his head to deny the accusation.

“I do! I trust you so much Jin…I left everything I had just because I trusted that you’d be waiting here for me”

“Why are you here Taehyung? What do you want now?” I asked through my sniffles as I attempted to pull away and he hesitantly let go.

He fidgeted, I could tell he was more tensed than he let on “don’t be like this…you know why I’m here” his voice got smaller, eyes a bit afraid but still fixed on me as he waited and the empty room felt emptier “I am here for you”.

This is why he scares me…he’s so blatantly desirous of what he wants…like the way he promised to leave everything he had just because he wanted ‘us’…or how even the very first time, when he had without a hint of hesitation followed me around Vienna for an entire day just because he wanted to paint me…I have never met someone so recklessly desirous…and I have never been so ardently desired by anyone and it makes me wish for more…

“And what do you think I should say to that?” I said not having the guts to look into his eyes, they were doing that thing again…the way they could speak a thousand words without uttering any. I felt him leaning nearer and my stomach felt all bubbly and my chest was nothing but a wild rush of beats.

“If you dare then the truth”

I gulped being confused about what he meant “feels like a trick question” I mumbled chuckling to myself as I rubbed the wetness on my cheeks “I don’t lie often fyi” I was trying terribly hard to lighten the situation n not reveal how absolutely flustered I was as he unmindfully caressed my hair, that fond smile still on his face.

“Eh you still try though…maybe not lie but you try to hide from me” he leaned closer still and I turned stiff as a statue as he bumped my head with his “like right now you’re trying to hide still n how daring of you to think I won’t notice…fyi…your ears turn red whenever you get flustered” 

I gulped fidgeting and pulling away to turn the other way as I debated if I really want him to know about the pregnancy…I know I should but I don’t want him to think I’m imposing on it on him or that I’d accept him back just because we had a child in the equation now. That’d be so unfair to both of us...but then it’d be equally unfair to not tell him…

“Jinnie…dinner’s ready” mum hollered and I was jerked out of my thoughts to see a fidgety Taehyung glance towards the door a little unsurely.

“Uh-umm I need to tell you something…but just…don’t freak out-” “I got something to tell you too, but you go first” I said turning to face him and saw how his eyes suddenly brightened “no no you…please you” he blurted startling me.

“I said I’ll say it-” “Jin please…” and I could see now in those restless eyes of his that he already knew about it, he was just waiting for me to tell it to him.

“O-Ok-ay” I let my eyes drop to the floor as I struggled to get the words out, my mind still questioning if this was a right decision to tell him…there’s no going back from here I guess…

“I’m pregnant” I mumbled almost to myself still gazing at the floor…shit this really feels so awkward…I don’t know if this should have happened but it did…n now I’m so confused n scared and…

I felt arms coiling about me, his soft mouth pressing onto my temple and all my thoughts were blown into the air.

It was abruptly silent and all I could hear was my drumming heart n his deep breaths as he wordlessly kept caressing my head, holding my head into the crook of his neck till I felt the urgent need to cling onto this warmth forever and coiled my arms around him in need realising only now how terribly I had been missing him.

“I lied when I said I’m here for you”

I felt my heart receive a hit at those words and stood absolutely frozen, realization suddenly crashing onto me that he was not here for me…but for the baby…of course…of course! What was I even thinking?! I was right…he didn’t feel anything for me anymore! He was here for the baby…

I pushed away, literally feeling pain hold my chest and felt like I couldn’t breathe as I gasped n coughed, swatting his hands away as he tried to pull me back into the embrace.

“No! Go! Go away…” I complained feeling so weak n betrayed. I was so scared about him being unprepared for the news or if he’d even accept that it’s his but I don’t know why this hurts more, to think he was here only because he believed he had a right on me now because it’s his child too “you knew! Didn’t you?! You knew I was pregnant that’s why you came here! You’re not here for me!”

I pushed him away a second time and he grabbed me by my shoulders this time “Jin! Will you listen to me?!”

“Why should I? You didn’t when I told you to listen to me!” I complained struggling against his grasp.

“Listen to me Jin!” He yelled at me holding me in his arms stiffly and I sniffled with no scope to push away this time.

“You wanted to know why I’m here…well the truth is that I’m here because I’m selfish…n I want what you’ve been keeping away from me. I want it all…I want you to love me…I want us together…I want to be a part of your life and I want us to do this together…please trust me again…please love me again Jin…I have been literally rotting for the past months, I can’t seem to do anything right!”

I was shocked to a motionless state as I gaped at him…he seemed so frustrated and desperate as he spoke, his eyes brimming with water and that frown on his brow more pained than enraged.

“Please come to me and be my dream again…”  

á na márië 

[A\N] ✨💖 Happy Hobi Day💖✨

Stay safe and healthy everyone!