The Artist:

This was it. This was what I came here for.

I heaved a sigh before I knocked on the dark wood door glancing fidgetily around his home. It’s a calm locality in a charming suburban space with clean open lawns and smiling faces roving about the scantily peopled streets as I awkwardly stood going over in my head about what I was going to say to Jin once I get to meet him.

First up, just apologize. I have made a lot of mistakes in life but this was probably the first time I am dead set to make it right again.

It was a greater pressure now that I knew I’m gonna have to meet his parents too. I guess they’re gonna be furious at me as well.

I left the one I professed to love hurt and pregnant, discarding to even look at him being blinded by rage…if anyone did that to someone dear to me I’d probably lose my mind and make sure to sue them.

I heaved another sigh, gulping as I heard steps nearing the door.

I stunned a bit going blank for a moment as I saw a middle aged woman with same unmistakable features as Jin open the door to blink at me.

“Yes?” Her voice was curious yet stern.

“I-umm..Hello…sorry” I cleared my throat trying to clear my head actually, “I’m looking for Jin…I mean Seokjin, I know this is kinda sudden and you probably weren’t expecting me but I’ve come a really long way searching for him. So if you could please-“ “Taehyung?” She asked stunning me further as I watched her startled about how she could recognise me.

“Y-Yes” I replied, and she beamed “he’s not home at the moment but if you want I can drive you to him, we’re just going to head the same way as well” she offered very thoughtfully smiling at me and all I could do was instinctively nod “that’d be great”.

But has anything ever gone right for me...

“Who the hell is he?” I heard the young boy grumble under his breath to her as we got in the car. He gave me a menacing grimace before arguing with her about not wanting to join me in the back, while she kept telling him to behave.

I guess Jin’s brother is just as stubborn as him.

I thought to myself before another figure came to join beside me, and I guessed correctly that it was Jin’s father.

Truthfully, I have never been in a more awkward situation than this, cramped in a car with three people I barely knew and the way Jin’s brother would glare at me from time to time made me feel the tension that was raging high. I am even trying to breathe as silently as possible, feeling completely threatened thinking what an unusual situation I had actually ended up in.

I have more than a dozen questions…what do they know about me? How much? What did Jin actually say? They must hate me so much.

“I’m so sorry Taehyung, I didn’t even ask if you needed to rest…was your flight okay?”

But before I could answer her kind thoughtfulness, I was bombarded with questions from both his father and his brother.

“What do you do?”

“I-“ “Why are you here?” His brother cut in.

“Kook stop pestering him, he’s here to meet Jin”

“Why are we taking him there? You don’t even know if hyung wants to see him” the boy spoke to his mother completely disregarding me being present right there, and all I could do was let my eyes fall to my hands feeling utterly judged.

“Where is he though? He is well, right?” I spoke pushing back the guilt clogging my throat, and thankfully all of them stopped talking for once.

“He’s performing tonight to get to the next round” Mrs. Kim spoke chirpily.

“We’re hoping he gets through, he’s been living solely relying on his piano” Jin’s father spoke as if thinking out loud, and a wave of mixed emotions crashed onto me to hear him.

To know that Jin had taken up playing and was trying to work on his dream made me think back to the time I had watched him work his magic back at Yoongi’s studio, and my heart tightened harder in my chest to remember the way I had lost myself to kiss him in front of everyone there, and the way he had smiled knowing how he had bewitched me. I found myself hoping to feel that pure ecstasy again.

“Oh I’m not sure if you know but Jin loves to-“ “Play the piano” I completed the sentence he had begun “I know…he’s gifted in it”.

A silence fell inside the car as I said the words, even Jin’s brother stopped accusing me for now as he spared me a slight silent glance and I waited anxiously to see the end of this car ride and meet Jin.

But it was the soft knowing smile Mrs. Kim gave me through the rear-view mirror that made me breathe easy.

The venue was fairly peopled, and the family often paused on their way to greet a familiar face making me restlessly gaze around, desperate in my need to find the one I was ardently waiting to meet. And when the wooden doors finally opened to lead us into the auditorium, my senses froze as I caught the same magic brewing inside.

Undoubtedly I could tell it was Jin playing for I could almost see his fingers nimbly dance over the keys, that serenity cover him completely as he let everyone get a glimpse of the gift he so humbly hid behind his elusive nature.

I guess that’s what I cannot erase from my eyes…the way they always found beauty in everything Jin did, and how he remained absolutely unaware about how mesmerising he actually is in every possible way.

My steps involuntarily took me inside, enchanted by his music and like the pied piper he drew me to himself. I found myself gazing at him as hopelessly as the day I had first caught him in my heart.

It was difficult to believe he was right there, so close yet seemed like a dream…I have been so eager to meet him again that I forgot why I had felt so burdened these past few months and what were the things I actually wanted to complain to him about.

It’s so oddly difficult to stay angry with the one who had given me so much to be grateful for.

I could tell he was nervous, his breathing seemed rushed and he avoided looking up from his piano.

It made me smile to see him like this…

I wish I could tell him he didn’t need to be scared, he was enormously gifted at this, and the silence with which the audience stared at him wasn’t them judging him but sheer wonder for his talent.

He finally looked up, glancing restlessly around till he turned his gaze to where I stood, hopeful and entranced, waiting for him to bring the colours back to my life which had turned a mere haze of blue and grey.
   
I saw him freeze with wide eyes, the music paused and his chest went tight as he seemed to be holding his breath.

Peace was his eyes on me…and I could never ask for anything more

I had no idea how to break out of the daze he had caught me in, and I realized that it was probably a bad idea to come here and interfere with his performance. I would never want to ruin his chances to live his dream, and gulped realizing I had to find a way fast to make him go back to continuing with his performance.

I smiled at him, gesturing him to carry on as I tried to assure him that he was doing wonderfully well but he remained frozen, watching me with wide awestruck eyes. I realized I had made a blunder of his hard work when he abruptly stood up to run into the backstage, excusing himself with a short ‘sorry’ to the audience. My heart paled to think he must hate me terribly to react like that to see me, I must have hurt him awfully.

I knew I had a number of things to apologize for and hastened to find the way to the backstage.

There was no way I’m leaving without seeing him today.

A cluster had gathered outside as the murmur among the audience rose who were confused about what had suddenly happened, I struggled to find my way to him but was denied permission to enter.

A woman, probably Jin’s mentor, told everyone to stay away and I fought the crowd more to be let in, hating the fact that they could dare to deny me to see him.

“Let me through…please! I need to talk to him” I groaned and the lady marched up to me to straight up reject my request.

“I noticed you know…he got upset because of you” she glared at me standing solid against my intention to peek inside to search for Jin.

“Solar, let him in, ask Jin to speak to him once” I was startled to find Mrs. Kim come to help me out, and I implored again.

“Let me inside, I need to talk to him…please, it’s very important-” “You messed up his performance, I think you better leave” she voiced stiffly making me gulp and still, guilt pooling inside me as the words pierced through me.

“No! Don’t l-leave…umm Solar, please tell him to wait…I just need some time”

Jin’s voice came to assure me that I probably still had a chance to make it up to him.

“I’ll wait Jin” I spoke over her shoulder, delighted to have him openly express that he wanted me to stay and loudly assured him, unbothered if she wouldn’t let me in to see him “but please, go back on the stage Jin. They’re waiting for you! Don’t leave it midway, you were doing so well…please go back and play what you have worked so hard to create”.

I was practically pleading, I know how difficult it must have been for Jin to leave the life he had in Seoul and come here to begin again.

In one stroke of angry exchanges so much had changed for us…truly speaking, from the minute I had met him nothing felt real…it’s as if I was sleep walking through a dream till he left me alone to survive a nightmare.

“Solar? You think they’ll give me another chance?” Jin’s voice inquired and I really wanted to get inside to actually see him.

“I’ll talk to them” Solar informed, eyeing me for a brief second before leaving and I could finally find my way inside to see Jin stiffly standing before a desk, staring deeply into his music sheets.

I was trying to come up with words to say to him when he softly inquired again. “How did you know that I’m in Busan?”

The question confused me a little, after all he had been writing letters to me, stating about him living with his parents.

“I met your friend, Moonbyul” I spoke, hesitantly taking a step closer. But the next question had me more confused.

“Why?” He let his gaze find mine, eyes blank as I realized he was denying to let himself open up to me and we stood like that listening to the silence in between us.

I was seeing him after months and he looked a bit pale compared to the time we had blissfully revelled in each other’s arms back in Vienna. I felt my heart go empty to have him stare at me that blankly, my mind cursing at me for pushing him away as I craved to feel those loving eyes of his adore me again.

“I missed you…realized what a fool I had been” I revealed, unashamed before him as I openly accepted my mistakes and he still stared at me just as blankly holding onto his silence.

“I’m sorry” I gulped, feeling my insides tighten at his stubborn silence and the fear of being disregarded a second time tore through me “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

And yet he stood frozen and blank, not even batting an eyelash and I felt as if I was too late…my world was crumbling down around me as I desperately tried to get through to him.

“I’m sorry for n-not listening to you…sorry for leaving you there without even letting you explain” it was painful to even breathe and gulping back my despair I edged closer to him to watch his eyes brim with tears yet he held his gaze at me just as blank and unmoving as before.

“I was an idiot to call you a stranger…it was a sheer lie Jin” I have lived and breathed for you only for the last few months, passed my minutes being drowned in you…and maybe I always will.

There seems to be no cure for what you have done to me…

“Jin” Solar barged inside breaking our silence to startle us and I saw him hastily rub his face clean of the tears that had spilled.

“They’re ready to give you another chance” she paused “you good?” Probably noticing now Jin’s fumbling state while I watched him turn away from me as she guided him back towards the stage.

It was that one single glance he gave me before walking away that made my heart flutter, those soft teary eyes subtly speaking to me in a language beyond words and I smiled wishing him all the luck in the world.   

When he was gone, Mrs. Kim ushered me to join them among the audience but I excused myself to stay in the backstage. I didn’t want to ruin his performance a second time just in case he got upset because of me again. And as the tune chimed into the air again my ears caught the unmistakable magic effortlessly, but he had me stunned to silence this time as I heard his voice fill the air.

I had never heard Jin sing, and the way he spilled his heart into the words that pierced deeper and deeper into me made me realize he was literally singing his heart out. The voice blurred my agonies and yet the words pained my heart…it was as if he was talking to me but through music.

The crowd broke out in thunderous claps to rightly reward his creation.

I sat there listening while I waited to know what he had to say to me, would he even give me a chance to make it up to him, would he trust me again?

I peeped to see a loud crowd pool into the stage as the other participants joined Jin, and everyone applauded them. I didn’t realize that I was smiling to listen to the judges mentioning Jin’s performance as a remarkable one, unusual to be found in such local stages. I could see Jin’s brother, Mrs. Kim and Solar clap the loudest as they commended his hard work and talent.

“What was your inspiration in creating such a beautiful work Seokjin?”

Jin smiled to himself, before he spoke.

“I wrote it remembering about the happiness and freedom I had experienced with someone…the person who made me believe I deserved my freedom too, that I could have the things I thought I could not…I had a dream, and he made me believe it was worth fighting for”

I lost all sense as I listened to him, feeling my heart get heavy with emotions as he spoke to the world about how I had inspired him, while he himself remained ignorant of how much of an inspiration he is for me.

I realized how much I must have hurt him to see how he proudly told the world about what he feared revealing to me.

His stiff blank silence had this wave of emotion hiding behind it…this is who Jin is I guess, like a beautiful but frail flower, blushing and blooming if he felt loved and cared for, and would rather silently wither in his pain than complain. 

I wished to run out and stand beside him, and shout out to the world about what my heart was brimming with at the moment, and hoped that it would echo back to let him know how much of me actually belongs to him.

á na márië

[A\N] Borahae💜