The Dreamer:

“JinJin! Heyo! Jinnie!” A woman’s voice flooded my home as her heels clicked on the wooden floorboards. “I got some wonderful news for you darling! Come out…come out wherever you are!”

Her voice was way too high pitched to appreciate first thing in the morning but that’s just who my manager is, upbeat and always high on life.

I tugged the blankets over my ear as she barged into the room, my mum following close behind her, equally excited to hear the news.

“Wakey wakey sweetie! I got the results of the audition for the first round of the Music Fest!”

“Oh dear! Is he through?” My mum chimed by her side. Yeah, I was totally freaking out and wide awake as well…I mean it’s obvious after how hard I had been working to get through. These days I literally do nothing other than eat, sleep n play the piano…and dream.

But acted unbothered as I lay unmoving. I’m scared I’d fail in acquiring what I wished for again.

I heard her shuffle and crawl on the bed “Dear Seokjin-ssi, this is to inform you that your performance in the first round had bewitched us and we are looking forward to seeing you in the second round as well!”

My mother gave an excited laugh and Solar reciprocated her excitement.

“We’re going to the next round sweetie! Get up and start practicing!” She screamed pulling back my covers and I lay stripped off of my only way to hide the glee bubbling within me.

“I made it to the second round?” I asked again stupidly smiling at her.

“It’s only a matter of time till your gonna make it to the top sweetie! Trust me! You’re amazing!” She ruffled my hair as I sat up, and mum called us down for breakfast.

I’m not sure how three months passed away so easily, seems like yesterday when I had barely began working for a small band of musicians, helping them out in local performances but had to soon leave because being pregnant it was getting difficult for me to keep up with their odd schedules which would mostly be night shows or concerts over towns.

But it was because of them Solar found me and urged me to carry on with my dream promising to help me out as my manager, or I guess was lucky to come across her, it’s been a different kind of journey since then.

My parents went out of their way to get me an actual piano, although it barely fits in the living room, and Kook helped to set it in, oddly acting like the perfect brother suddenly as he got his music teacher to help me out whenever I had trouble with a note, made me entire playlists of my favourites and had even driven me to the audition when I was too nervous to even go.

“Ok so you got this already” Solar assured again as we sat for breakfast “you keep doing what you’ve been doing, the only other thing you gotta do is actually one teeny tiny little new addition” she spoke chomping on a piece of bacon.

“What?” I asked being slightly terrified.

“It’s nothing, you just gotta write a song to go with the note you want to play” she said the words as if it’s a piece of gum that I gotta chew on n spit!

I choked “what?! Write a song?! I can’t write a song!”

“Of course you can! You just think you can’t because you haven’t tried it!” She assured patting my back “just put whatever you feel on a paper, and be true to yourself…that’s it.”

Didn’t sound very assuring but I guess I could give it a try.

“Wait” then it clicked “I’ll have to sing too, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, kinda” she avoided my eyes knowing I’m gonna give up now.

“Solar…look at me” I’m dead serious right now “I cannot sing, never in my life have I sang, especially not in front of experts who are like the best there is!”

“Jinnie you did sing in Uncle Lee’s birthday remember, everyone applauded you” my mother spoke from the kitchen making me lose my shit.

“I was fourteen and it was a birthday party mum! You’re being plain ridiculous now!”

“All I’m saying is give it a try” Solar spoke discarding my complaints “if you’re bad I’ll personally tell it to you, ok? Deal?”

“That’s a fine suggestion I’d say” mum agreed eyeing me.

I rolled my eyes at them, who do they think I am, Houdini?! How do I learn to sing in just two weeks!?

I sat down at my desk when the house quieted down at night and after my daily practice was done.

Just write how you feel…a spontaneous overflow of emotions?

But is that all that speaks about the heart…how do I write about the piercing pain that leaves me exhausted? The gasps of agony that I cannot really explain? The abrupt blank head when I have no idea what I am thinking?

I sat with empty pages whenever I could find the time but could never get anything worthwhile out of my muddled heart, and as the day aged my paper-bin got full to its very top and I was left with another empty page yet again.

It was this staring at the blank paper for hours that made me forget myself as I sat reliving my moments with Taehyung, I guess that’s the reason I couldn’t write for I was solely captured in thoughts of him and soon realized one thing, that its’ much too easy to lose myself in beautiful scenarios I could fabricate in my head, which would probably never come true.

But it was also those thoughts that brought pouring out of me the raw emotional tumult that I had been trying to push down and hide away.

And once I began writing I couldn’t stop…until I realized I had spilled all the words I had held within me…

I hold my breath as I walk into the ocean

I face my beautiful yet sorrowful tears

Find me in that day in the darkness

I felt tears build in my eyes as I wrote ahead remembering the days I had delightfully enjoyed his company till that very day when he turned away from me and denied to see how helplessly I called to him to see how much I need him.

I want to talk to you again

I want to know you even more today…

It took me more than a week to put the lyrics down, and I don’t know what Solar would think about it but I began creating a note to go with it and hence my entire day was spent at the piano except for the bathroom breaks or when my mum would tug me to go on a walk with her in the evening to ensure that my baby stayed healthy.

She suggested me to join a yoga group or go out to take a swim and even tried to patch me up with the group of other pregnant people in the community but one glaring ‘no’ from me and she backed off, thankfully.

It took me three more days to get the entire song tuned up to my liking and I secretly practiced whenever no one would be around, I’m not really sure about my singing skills and it’s super embarrassing but I guess I’d need to get over this because there will be like a couple hundred eyes while I’ll be on stage singing it.

I would practice in the morning when Dad was gone to work, Kook was off too school and Mum probably went out to shopping and ensured that I was alone as I would begin matching the lyrics with the tune, glad to see that it was coming on quite well and let my senses take over as I tried to enjoy the glee music often set within me.

I ended the song with the last tune and rubbed away the tears that had inadvertently spilled as I had gotten too much into the song and told myself that I couldn’t get so emotional when I’ll be actually performing on stage.

I sent an audio recording of it to Solar and within minutes she replied with a thumbs up sign, that was it, I was all set for level two.

It was at dinner that night when my mum reminded me of the doctor’s appointment I had to attend the next day, and I realized why she was suddenly referring to it as I remembered that tomorrow I was supposed to meet the couple who were looking forward to adopt my baby. It would be a lie if I said I’m completely okay with it and I am not worried at all how I’d part away with the child I have been caring for with my very blood every single day.

Well yeah it was a tough decision but this is what is best for both my baby and me. It’s gonna be difficult but this is something I know I gotta do.

“Hello Seokjin” my doc greeted me as she came inside to do the ultrasound “Mr. & Mrs. Song are so eager to meet you. You ready?”

I nodded feeling half scared about it all but tried to hold a brave face as I laid down.

“Everything looks good” she spoke checking the monitor carefully “so what have you been doing these days?”

“I passed the first level to the Music Fest, the second performance is in three days” I spoke trying not to look at the screen, it makes me more emotional.

“Wonderful! You’re really good at it eh? Your mother was actually right” she spoke with a slight laugh in her voice as she made sure to be thorough with the check “we could probably see you be a top pianist soon!”

I smiled seeing her be so delighted and fired up my little dream that would probably never be fulfilled. Getting through the first step doesn’t make you a winner…it’s going till the very end and working your ass off to achieve it that makes a winner out of you.

I’m not sure if I have that kind of strength and calibre in me.

But I was jerked back to reality due to her next words.

“Who knows this little one could be your legacy…world’s finest pianist in the making” she joked but the words echoed through me as I instantly pictured it.

“Or world’s finest painter in the making maybe” I mumbled stupidly smiling to myself as I took a glance at the monitor, there’s no telling who he is going to take after when he grows up but if it’s colours he chooses over the monochrome keys I’d probably be more delighted.

“Seokjin, you okay?” She looked concerned and I realized tears had spilled out of my eyes without my knowledge and I hastily rubbed it away to sit up as she handed me napkins to clean the gel.

“Yeah, I’m fine” I spoke clearing my clogged throat.

“You sure you want to do this? Having second thoughts?” She inquired being concerned and thoughtful.

“Y-Yeah, I’m sure about it” I cleared looking at her to give her a reassuring smile “I’m ready to meet them”.

She nodded and led me to meet the couple, they were good people, around their mid thirties and the lady was overjoyed when I gave her the ultrasound image to look at my baby. She cried tears of joy, hugging me and thanking me for the gift I was going to give them and I came back home with a full heart but feeling utterly confused.

I couldn’t speak a single word when my mum asked me at the door how it went, if I liked the family and what I had decided. I simply sidled by her to haste upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom as I finally broke down.

God! What’s wrong with me? I wanted this! I know this is the right decision for him! I’m unstable…no job, no emotional balance, no strength in me to actually be a good parent to my child. I can’t see him become like me…I am a mess!

I came out of the bathroom with puffy red eyes, a flushed face and sniffles still creating odd hiccups at the back of my throat and saw dinner waiting at my desk, a note reminding to not torture myself by going to bed without having my dinner because I’d be hurting the baby as well.

And I said a little prayer thanking God for having parents like them, I wish I could be equally caring and good to my baby as well but I had to go a long way to become that.

I couldn’t sleep and when I was sure that the halls were clear I tiptoed out of my room and headed to my only friend, my piano as I sat to play the song I had created and hoped to chase away the heavy grief and help myself feel better, assure myself that there was something I was actually good at.

I think it was hours later when I felt my hands growing tired due to constant playing when I stopped and heaved a sigh, recollecting about the emotions that had previously racked my heart and told myself I was okay…it was all okay.

“I think it’s beautiful…I have a feeling you’re gonna make it to the finale” I heard my mum’s voice break the silence as she stepped out of the darkness and came to caress my head “you really showed your heart in the song darling, not many can do that you know…putting your heart into your work is what a masterpiece is made of”.

I couldn’t hold my tears and turned to hug her waist as she rubbed my back and I tried to hide the gasping cries that poured out without my permission.

“It’s okay…things fall apart sometimes n it’s nobody’s fault, all you can do is hold on to what you got” her words made me spill more tears “tell yourself you are strong enough, and dream again”.

And although that night I slept after getting tired of shedding tears, I was barely aware of what awaited me as I stepped up the stairs to walk onto the stage a couple days later, an odd rush of hope grasped at me as I edged towards the piano. I took my seat, fairly ready to perform while my apprehension about singing in front of so many people kept clogging my throat. I could see Solar giving me the thumbs up as I began the note of the song, clearing my throat one last time before I started singing.

I glanced at the eyes that watched me and tried to tell myself I was doing okay…I could pull it off and tried to put my feelings into it but had to remember not to lose myself in it. It became too scary to mind so many stuff together and focus on keeping the note going, and I could feel myself getting sweaty and my voice beginning to falter. Fear of ruining it all took over me.

I fearfully checked the people watching me again but was stunned to silence this time as my eyes suddenly caught sight of him standing as if he had just stepped out of my many dreams and stared at me with that same maddening gaze of his that made my insides melt.

In that moment I realized that a million eyes couldn’t make me feel as powerless as his eyes could…why does he have this kind of power over me?

Am I imagining this or is he really here?

á na márië

[A\N] I think this story makes me the most emotional, even when I write it, I often find myself taking breaks to stare at the words 😔