The Artist:

Feels like I landed on the darker side of fate…I had come half way across the world for him this time n somehow it ruined everything we had built…He. Ruined. Everything.

I poured myself some more coffee, I don’t remember when was the last time I ate something or slept or showered or seen the sun…none of it matters anyway…everything is ruined.

It has been a week since I left him crying on the sidewalk.

I think so, not sure though…well I’m sure it has been a few days

I couldn’t stand there and listen to his lies, the Jin I knew would never betray me like that…was it all a fickle game for him? Was I that easy to toy with and forget?

I wish I could erase him from me the way he did…it would make things much easier

I don’t even have the guts to call Chim and tell him everything, I am more ashamed of myself for trusting a complete stranger on an immature whimsy. He was right to warn me, I guess that’s what a best friend is for.

I let my eyes scour the room taking a note of the dozens of canvases and a few hundred sheets of paper that lay strewn all around, each trial a worthless piece born out of madness, anger, grief and immense desperation not to run back to him and kiss his tears away.

Uninspired junk.

Every work, every single canvas, all of the sheets held only my skill and stayed incomplete because my hands could not pour in them the heart I had let Jin take away.

I am only a broken craftsman…no longer an artist…empty with no more dream

It was after midnight when I put on my coat and decided to take a walk feeling suffocated due to my prolonged stay in the hotel room but an hour of going around the loud streets of the bright busy metropolitan city and yet all I could feel was a pathetic loneliness and everything seemed like a blur of blue and grey.

He took away more than I had planned to give…he took away my obsession with colours and beauty only to leave this useless void and anger, terrible rage and shame that I stiffly hold on to fearing giving in to the weakness of my head and heart who tortured me day and day out making me ask a million questions.

Why would he even be with that guy if he was abusive? Why was he seeing him at work if he didn’t want to see him anymore? How can I just unsee what I saw?

My heart has been begging me to forgive him since I know I will ruin myself in trying to hate him.

I want to forgive but how do I forget…I feel used, and that’s the worst feeling I have ever felt.

I return to the hotel room with a bundle of more blank canvases and white sheets and more colours, and sit down to work with a large mug of coffee by my side but no matter how many times I drench my brush in colour my mind cannot create the art I wanted to reflect on the blank frame as it sat there ridiculing my incompetence.

Hours went by and I began dragging my rusty brush angrily on the white and in an enraged stupor created the object of my constant emotional tumult.

Jin

Every canvas I set on the easel…every stroke of my brush…every raging wail inside me birthed more pain as I realised I could only recreated stacks and stacks of memories of the moments he had given me.

“Arrghhh…shit! Shit-Shit-Shit!” I kicked down everything and losing strength tumbled onto the floor and lay there, I am possibly going crazy.
No. I actually am going crazy.

I closed my eyes feeling exhausted with everything.

I want him…was the first thought that came to my mind as I tried to calm down, and I scoffed at my pitiful pathetic state.

I looked at the ceiling as the chrome yellow light loomed over my destroyed life, and anger filled me anew.

Why must I suffer like this when it’s his fault?

I tried to breathe and think, it might be another bad decision because judging from experience that’s what I ace in.

I am going to get him back…

I blink up at the light and gazed pensively to see a moth flutter in through the window and hover about it in mystifying wonder. A moments’ slip and it burns its wings to the electrifying heat and landed right beside me.

I too had been just as foolish…however, I’m not going to let him ruin me anymore…he has to fix what he ruined

“Since you’re the only way for me to stay sane and create, you’re gonna have to make it right” at least until I can learn how to let go of you.
Which I fear if I will ever be able to or … not

I find myself at the gates to his workplace yet again as I stood there building up courage to hold onto my anger against him, remember how he had hurt me and stupidly let him play me ever again.

Wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t always a good decision…there’s a reason God put it inside a cage

“Excuse me…please could you inform Kim Seokjin that Tae-umm-someone is here to see him” I requested to the guard and he looked at me with confused eyes as if I had put a puzzle before him.

“Sir, I am sorry but he left” he informed carefully gazing at me as I felt all the air in my lungs slowly squeeze out and my gut felt like a loud void “w-what do you mean he left? When? Is he on leave?”

“He resigned…a couple of days ago” he relayed the information and I felt my blood turn cold.

He left…? How can he leave just like that?!! What the fuck!!

“He can’t…can’t leave” I huffed anxiously, running a hand down my face as I felt anxiety taking over me and I felt my hands shiver and get clammy “he can’t leave!!”.

I roared grabbing at my head and the guard got alarmed instantly coming to my aid.

“Sir, what is it? Are you feeling unwell?”

“How could he leave?! How do I find him now?? I have nothing! All he gave me was this address! He wasn’t supposed to leave!!” I have never felt this suffocated, its like my veins were charged with poison…it hurt to breathe.

“Sir, please calm down…I’ll check with the authorities if they can help you” he hurried inside as I stood heaving there, my ears were ringing and head felt like it was gonna burst open any minute.

God I hate his guts! Is he intentionally doing this? Ruining me for his fun? Why did he make me dream if he wanted to run away?

My fault I guess…I didn’t think I’d be this easy to forget

My attention was drawn to the guard’s voice as he informed me that they were not allowed to give personal details of an employee even though he had resigned.

I grasped at his arm in desperation “please…please help me out” and he looked at me being heavily conflicted and I realized he knew Jin better than he let on “please…I really need to find him”.

“I d-don’t know much just that he l-lives with his boyfriend” he stuttered and I felt my restlessness overtake.

“Where?” He kept quiet not meeting my eyes and I resolved to another stance “how much will it take for you to tell me?” I asked pulling out my wallet and saw him pick his eyes up and finally look at me.

But an hour later I was at a bar, drinking to my completely fucked up life.

I had gone to the address the guard had given me and I knew he hadn’t fooled me because the first thing that caught my eye as I walked into that building was a huge fucking name plate that had Jin and his exes name written in bold.

And it got me so pissed that I took an about turn feeling my sanity slipping badly, I felt like I could strangle someone and that is how I ended up here.

I’m not much into alcohol but tonight I need it…I need it to forget, need it to blurry him as he constantly lived and breathed within my head and heart. I chug down another glass and ordered another when the bartender eyed me with concern which kinda pissed me off.

“Sir if you drove here, I’m gonna have to ask you to take a cab or call a friend. It’s-”“Fucking do your job” I groaned feeling irritated with the concern, I don’t need it…I don’t need anyone’s concern, I don’t need anybody’s pity! I did this to myself, I let him ruin me and I’ll fucking own up to it…nobody gets to pity me!

“Get me another drink!” “Sir, I’m sorry but please understand, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave” and I saw him gesture towards security “they’ll help you get a cab, please let them know where you are staying” his stiff politeness was nothing but a veiled command to get me out without any commotion.

And I don’t know what was going through my mind when I gave them the address to Namjoon’s apartment building instead of the hotel.

I stumbled out of the cab, telling the driver to keep the change as I tried to march up confidently to the door on which my eyes instinctively set. It was way past dinner time and the hallways were pretty empty as I banged at the door, demanding it to be opened till a tall athletic man with a severe frown stood glaring at me.

“What the heck man? Who are you? A very important match is on n I’m totally not in the mood for shitty sales stuff…don’t you guys like take  break for the night?”

He blabbered something my ears could barely register and I tried to hold my ground, trying to sound just as firm and angry as him.

“Tell him to come out…I need to see him” I demand, trying to look over his shoulder into the apartment to check if Jin was there.

“What?” He seems to be very slow in the head or probably half deaf and I speak louder “tell Jin to come out! I’m not moving until I see him! Tell him I’ve had enough, and I’m not leaving without him!”

I stumbled, my vision rolling from clear to blurry and blurry to clear. I’m sure my voice isn’t as serious as I want it to be. But I realized I had hit a nerve when I mentioned Jin’s name as his hands came to grip at my collar now.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

“I said your boyfriend ditched your sorry ass and came to me, I’m here to take him with me” I have no idea why I was even saying it when Jin had left me dangling halfway as well, but damn did it feel good to see his eyes blaze in rage.

Good…now you know how I felt when I saw you kissing him asshole!

But the feeling only stayed for a second since in the very next moment I was punched straight into the gut and god did that hurt!

I fell to the floor choking on air.

“You! It was you?!” He lunged at me as I tried to pull away and tucked my head under my arms when he came back to kick at my gut, I have zero combat skills…defence is my only option.

“I can’t believe this! He slept with a fucking stranger!!”

He growled pulling at his hairs as I pulled myself up and tried to find my footing, cursing as pain shot through my insides.

God why couldn’t his ex be like a small lanky man…this guy looks like he could actually kill me with his bare hands.

His bloodshot eyes came back to glare at me as he began closing in but I was ready this time.

“You’ll pay! We were perfect! You ruined what we had!” “Yeah the feelings’ kinda mutual” I said and realized how reckless that sounded and without a moment’s loss felt his fist hit me clean across the jaw as I was thrown back into a wall.

I don’t remember much about the rest expect the feeling of his fist meeting my body several times as pain doubled and rose all over me.

“Tsk…pathetic! I don’t get what he saw in you, I guess he ran away because he was ashamed to be pregnant with your child”

My heart clenched to hear those words and I tried to get up but failed, only managing to roll over as I desperately fought to straighten myself.

“P-please…where is he? I re-really ne-ed to know” every word hurt to speak and I realized my mouth was fast filling with blood as the pain in my gut heightened. He scoffed at my words as he stood up and glared down at me “I don’t know, don’t really care…guess he knew you won’t be able to protect him anyway. I threatened him one time and he just dropped everything and vanished in a matter of days!”

My senses were blacking out now, I couldn’t see very well and only caught parts of what he said. I must have momentarily blacked out because when I opened my eyes next he was gone and I barely caught sight of some security personnel heading my way. He must have told them to get rid of me.

But I blacked out again as I felt them help me up, the pain was excruciating.

“Yes…hello? Can you hear me Mr. Kim?”

My vision cleared and I saw a middle aged man smile at me and then jot down stuff.

“Yes so what is your name?” He waits with his pen ready

“Where am I?” “Mr. Kim please concentrate on the question” he solemnly requests

I feel very uncomfortable and yes obviously in pain, but the greater discomfort was that heavy feeling on my right hand. My gaze shifts to it and I heave a pitiful sigh.

“What is your name?” “My arm is plastered, what happened?”

He huffs annoyed and sighs before glaring at me.

“Well you wanna know my thoughts? Fine” he put the clipboard away, clicking the pen off and shoving it into his pocket “you drank, felt invincible and got into a fight which ended with you in the hospital, thirteen lacerations and three broken bones… but don’t fret, drunk people do stupid things all the time, no worries…we’ll get you fixed in no time” he gave me the fakest smile and I stared at him stupidly, not understanding if he was annoyed or enjoying.

“O-k-a-y” I replied debating my situation “when can I leave?”

“Mr. Kim” he huffs again “the police are waiting right outside the door, someone reported you. I’d tell you to better get your story straight” I gape at him still dumb-founded as the clipboard and pen was back “so, what’s it gonna be? Play dumb and blame it on the concussion or are you going to comply?”

“This is weird, I feel like I am being interrogated. When can I leave?” I got irritated with his condescending attitude.

“Oh and your Professor called, said your application to teach has been approved and you can join from the next month, however from the looks of it, it’s gonna take you some time” he eyed my plastered hand and shrugged.

“That doesn’t answer my question” I glared at him and he stood up paying no heed to my words.

“You can leave if you can walk”

It was then that I realized what having thirteen lacerations and three broken bones meant as I tried to shuffle in the bed and mind-numbing pain tore through me.

So that was how I spent the whole week, bed ridden.

The police asked me some general questions about barging and creating a disturbance for which I’d have to pay a fine and they fucking put a restraining order! I was told to maintain a 100 yard distance from Namjoon and Seokjin at all times in future.

This confused me terribly and I anxiously voiced my opinion telling them that they weren’t together but Namjoon had greater proof to show than me that Jin was more dear to him. He sure knew how to play his cards well. I had no intention of hurting Jin but some of Namjoon’s neighbours had agreed that they had heard me yelling for Jin to come out and hence I was stuck with this punishment.

I didn’t know where Jin was, didn’t have any idea when I’d get to see him again and now there was a law against me going anywhere near him. Could this get any more fucked up?!

And every night as I lay there awake, now not even having the strength in my hand to keep me distracted, I ended up procrastinating for hours and music became my only company as I tried not to lose my mind. I spent hours listening to the classics.

An issue would often burn through my head as the faint words of Namjoon telling me something about why Jin had run away zapped through my head from time to time, I remember it was something very important, felt my heart race every time I tried to focus and decipher the hazy mumbles but I just could not remember what it was.

However, one thing I’m sure of now…Jin isn’t with Namjoon, and no matter where he's hiding I'm going to find him...I need to apologise to him, be it from a 100 yards away!

á na márië

[A\N] stay safe and happy every one 💜