# Warning: [This chapter mentions emotional and physical abuse]

The Dreamer:

I keep feeling that perhaps it would have been better if I had stayed back in Vienna with Tae…things are definitely not very good for me around here.

The day I returned to Seoul I realized I didn’t have a place to stay, all my stuff was at Joon’s place and because we both had mutual friends there was no where I could go where I wouldn’t get bombarded with questions. But for the time being I chose to crash at Sandeul and Moonbyul’s place and just as I had expected they knowingly nodded at my request, believing that it was yet another instance of Joon and me fighting with each other.

They began telling me how troubled Joon had been when I abruptly left, tried to make me understand how such fights are normal among couples and nothing to be so serious about and that nobody could possibly love me like Joon did.

Guess it was my turn to smile and nod at their words…what they didn’t realize was I was simply enjoying the irony in their words. They knew nothing about the distance between Joon and me, and how my heart craved for the one who kept me blissful even being seas apart.

“Why don’t you go and talk to him hmm? Try n’ fix things up? You two have been together for such a long time, don’t ruin it like this Jin” Sandeul spoke to me softly trying to make me be mindful about something that had been already ruined long ago.

“There’s nothing left to fix” I said finishing up with breakfast as I grabbed my bag to head to work “I had foolishly tried to patch it up, lied to myself many a times that things could become better again and that was the biggest mistake of my life”.

I’ll never try to fix broken things ever again…I’ve learnt the hard way that some things break because they are supposed to, they are not meant to be put back together…we must watch certain things scatter and learn not to blame ourselves for it.

I really don’t want to face Joon, although I know I’ll have to talk to him as well as get my stuff.

Work was just as bland and mechanical as ever…same old routine- sitting through dull meetings, listening to noises, squabbling over meaningless goals and the series of due dates which never seem to end The only good thing became the call at the end of the day, when I stood at the balcony watching the cluttered dark grey alleys and yet the voice on the other end made me dream of rosy sunsets and a million stars.

I closed my eyes and set him alive right by me as I imagined him speaking at my ear, those eyes of his sparking magic in my soul and I found my smile as my heart soared knowing that he will be here by the end of the month to drive away the hard days. 

I didn’t want Sandeul and Moonbyul to know about Taehyung because I was very sure they’re gonna spill it to Joon, and that is the last thing I want right now. So, I avoided taking a call in front of them, and came to hide in the balcony late into the night or very early in the morning or sometimes just used my lunch break to listen to his words and feel blithe hopeful.

He usually tried to sound calm and composed, speaking in slow circles and yet often seemed to forget that he was spilling his heart into the way his voice dipped and intimately kissed my soul. His excitement was so touching as he told me something new he had to let go every single day just to take a step closer to coming to me.

I hope I don’t end up taking everything away from him…I hope I am not being too selfish in my demands to feel loved…hope my past experience hadn’t given me a wave of insecurity so high that I’d end up ruining him in trying to assure myself that I am still worthy of love.

I intend to give it all back to him though…everything I take, added with all the affection I never knew I had in me, multiplied with the knowledge of how good it feels to be loved in full…I’d wilfully give all of it to him…
But as the days go things keep getting harder and harder.

“All he wants is to talk…come on give him a chance, you owe that to him” Moonbyul held my hand to make me stay as I grumbled and fretted against her when she told me that they had told Joon that I was living with them, says she couldn’t see him be so desperate and broken.

I scoffed “I owe him nothing, why don’t you ask him how much happiness he owes me and how he had taken my freedom away from me?!”

“Stop being stupid and stubborn, he’s here and you’re talking it out with him…that’s it” she dragged me out into the living room and I saw Joon sitting on the couch busy in his phone. He turned around as she greeted him, eyes instantly fixing on me and I looked away.

“Hey babe…I see you’re very upset with me hmm?” I bristled and grimaced at those words. He stood up and I could hear him walking nearer to me.

“What’re doing here? I think I made it pretty clear that I don’t want to see you again” I spoke decidedly, meaning every single word but I don’t know why the fear I had of his abrasive attitude and the way I had felt weak in trying to defy him earlier was still there and I diligently kept my eyes away.

“Babe look at me please…you want me to apologize…fine, I’ll do it-“ “I don’t want anything from you anymore” I said and turned to face him only to see him sigh dismissively at my words and held his gaze on me, making my teeth grit with rising frustration “you can leave”

“Come home with me Jin…enough with this childish acting out” he spoke and I saw anger beginning to boil in his eyes.

“You still don’t get it do you?” I felt my anger rise as well to see him still think he could have a say over me and balled my fists at my sides “it’s over, we’re over…I don’t feel anything but disgust for you” I was borderline yelling at him and turned around to walk straight out of the apartment, needing to be away from him, needing to breathe and I ran to the little park on the other side of the street and whipped out my phone to call Tae.

But he sounded so melancholic and lost that I couldn’t tell him what happened.

“Ye-ah…everything’s fine” obviously he traced the discomfort in my voice and urged me to tell him what it was, but I avoided giving in since he already has so many things to be troubled over I don’t want to add on mine as well, it’s only a few more days till he comes here and all these would be behind me “I can’t wait to see you”.

But my troubles only kept rising higher and higher as Joon began doing what he had always done, it has been an usual with him that the moment I had tried to step away, he’d try to prove his best that it was wrong of me and that we were fine…and I know now what a fool I had been to believe him all those times.

I think it is because I had accepted his adamant whims every time that he never realised when he had begun hurting me.

The day I went to get my stuff from his apartment was another bad day.

“Why are you doing this? What do you want? Tell me, what do you want?!” He demanded loudly as I pulled away and dragged my trolleys out, he followed behind me as I headed down and hauled the stuff into the back of Sandeul’s car.

“Will you stop this already? What are you trying to prove huh?” He grasped at my arm and pulled me to look at him “I’m losing my temper here Jin…stop ignoring me like this” he threatened through gritted teeth and I just blankly stared at him for a moment.

“I am not trying to prove anything…I just don’t feel anything for you anymore” I say and watch his eyes turn blank as he gazed at me in disbelief “J-Jin? Baby don’t talk like this…you don’t mean that…you’re just angry with me, I know-“ “I’m not angry with you, I was but I’m over that as well”

I felt his grip turn tighter on my arm “what happened to you? Are you seeing someone else? Is that it? Is that why you’re throwing away what we have?”  

I freeze and don’t speak, and suddenly felt very self-conscious “let go Joon, I gotta go” “I am right, ain’t I? Who is it? Ken? You went to him, didn’t you?”

I looked at him with severe disgust now, Ken and I were friends since elementary school but he went to China to work at a law firm and truly I miss the easy togetherness we shared and of course Joon hated him, just like he hated and demeaned all of my friends. Ken has been one of those irreplaceable friends’, I’d often confide in him about the troubles I faced with Joon and he’d always tell me to listen to my heart.

“Stop being ridiculous. It’s always someone else’s fault, you just never think you could be the one who’s the problem here” I griped and shut the trunk, ripping my hand away from his grasp and headed to get in the car “hope you learn how to love someone and cherish their feelings too, good luck”.

I could hear him call out my name but it didn’t bother me at all as I sat inside and Sandeul looked at me being completely confused when I told him to drive. I don’t understand how else to let them know it really was over but thankfully he didn’t question me or give advices any further as he let me have the silence all to myself, and helped me get the stuff moved  to their apartment.

It was just a week to the end of the month and I thought that I had succeeded in finally ending things with Joon when all hell broke lose as I realized he had literally lost it now. I got a weird premonition of something wrong happening when I got a call from Ken, his voice was rushed as he spoke about how Joon had called him and threatened him about trying to get in between us. I became completely alarmed and my head spun with how difficult Joon was making it for me.

“Ken-Ken…hey, calm down. He won’t hurt you, I’ll talk-“ “What-no I’m not worried about that, I’m worried about you. I know how crazy he gets when it’s something about you” he spoke and I remembered all those times Joon had gotten into fights because of his need to feed that over-possessive side of his, he loved it when he knew that I was under his control.

Funny how I had to stay exclusive for him while he could go about and do anything he wanted with whoever he wished.

“I broke up with him” I breathed a sigh of relief, those words as if made those chains fall of which he had kept me wound in for so many years.

“Tsk…I guessed that. He sounded murderously angry as he told me to stay away from you” he chuckled and I smiled to myself “so what happened? Heard you ran away?”

“I got frustrated with everything…thought I needed a break” I spoke walking down the sidewalk to the bus stop “told him I couldn’t live this make-believe relationship anymore but he’s just hell-bent on making things more difficult between us.”

“Glad you finally found the guts” he thought-out-loud. “Yeah I guess I finally could” guess I needed to see what being truly loved felt like, realized what it feels like to be important to someone.

“Just…be careful” and I could hear the heavy concern in his voice “yeah I will, so tell me how’re things there?” I boarded the bus and heard him go from mature n supportive to whiny within seconds as he complained about missing home. I reached the apartment to see no one around, a post-it on the fridge saying they’ll be late and I smile to find dinner kept in the fridge.

My phone rang and I picked it up happily as I was craving to hear Tae’s deep calming voice after a long hard day but my breath hitches when Joon’s voice comes through, burning anger spilling into his voice as he yelled at me, calling me an ungrateful bitch who had been ruining his life when he had worked so hard to make me happy. I rolled my eyes knowing full well of his usual antics, he had drunk dialled me. He’d often get drunk when we’d have a fight, and turn cruel and awfully aggressive.

“Take a cold shower and go to sleep Joon. And please please just stop this…I’m getting tired now” I huffed at the device while I heated my dinner. 

“Come out now! How dare you act like this?!” He growls and I hear loud banging at the door to the apartment, fear grips at me instantly to think he’s drunk and angry right outside the door.

“Come out now Jin! I’m not fucking leaving without you!” He roars hitting at the door and I realize I’m terribly panicking right now, forgetting the food on the counter as I cowered away to hide into the room. I told myself to breathe and assured my heart that he cannot hurt me, he can’t impose himself on me anymore…I am over him, I am free from his control, he has no power over me anymore.

“Open the door or I’ll break it down!”

The door knob clatters vehemently as he tried to get it to open and I tried to find my strength, snatching the phone from the counter where I had left my dinner I dialled for the security and in a while I could hear Joon’s struggles.

As I heard his voice get farther, I felt my body lose it’s strength possibly from the immense amount of shock I had just gone through and realized a bit too late that I was actually slipping into unconsciousness.

The last thing I saw was my phone lighting up and Tae’s face floating alluringly on the screen.

“Jin? Hey…you’re okay, it’s great…there’s nothing to worry about” I heard Moonbyul’s over-excited voice and saw her hazy features beam at me.

“What happened?” I asked trying to understand better where I was right now, and why am I in a hospital gown. I stared up at her in severe confusion.

“You passed out…Joon giving you a hard time eh? I heard what happened from the security personnel” she looked at me with queer sympathy in her eyes “but it’s all going to be great now, don’t you worry, he’s gonna be so happy and he’d take care of you and love you so much Jin”

I am utterly disturbed with her ignorant words “why is it so hard to understand for you all that we’re not together-nor will be-“ “You’re pregnant Jinnie, don’t say such things, you gotta mend it before the baby comes…come on now, stop being stubborn for the sake of the child”

My head snapped up at her and I watched with wide disbelieving eyes “w-what?”

She pulled me into a warm adoring hug, squeezing me to herself in her ecstasy “I know! I couldn’t believe either! But the doc said he’s positive and I called Joon -“ “How long-how long since I’ve been p-pregnant?”

“Three weeks” she speaks delightedly and I felt my heart sink in to realize what a striking surprise this will be for Tae while her blissful chattering became background noise and I lay gripped in fear of how he’d react to this unexpected news.

Good god why did things have to get so difficult all of a sudden! What do I do now?!

“I guess he’s still not up…or not out of his hangover” I heard her mumble over my head as she checked her phone.

And as my senses slowly cleared I realized what she had done and heightened worry took over me this time.

“D-did you tell Joon about it?”

“Of course! Oh shit” her eyes looked panicked “I’m so sorry, it should have been your surprise to give…ugh I’m such an asshead! I’m sorry Jin, I got so excited…and you were passed out and…I was worried too and I thought he should know…it being his child after all-“ I grasped at her hand panicking as well “I need to go home…let’s go home”

I hastily tried to get out of the bed and gather my stuff.

“What are you doing? No wait the doc said he wanted to talk to you…Jin we need to get the repo-“ “I’ll do that later, for now just…let’s just leave” I drag her down the bright white passageway, fearing every second that I’d come across Joon and witness another of his violent outbreaks when he comes to know of the truth.

“You’re being very weird and confusing Jin…what’s wrong? I mean like really, what happened to you? Now I’m getting worried too” she spoke as we got inside the car, eyeing me with severe concern “you can’t possibly think you were going to hide this from Joon, he deserves to be a part of the child’s life…!”

“Stop!! Just-just stop! Please!”

I pressed my eyes close being close to breaking down now “can we not get into this right now? Please, I’m really tired of it all and I just wanna go home” I voiced not meeting her curious gaze and thankfully she let it go.

I’m at my wits’ end about how to handle it all by myself…it’s just too much…everything…all of it feels like slipping out of my hands now…

I decided to talk to Tae right after work, still battling my inner anxiety to gather up the courage, the anticipation of his reaction is making my throat go dry. I freshened up, had my breakfast and headed out despite their pleas to stay back home.

Truthfully, I’m scared to be alone at home again, afraid to go through the shock I had faced last night. I was sure I’d rather be safer and more at peace at work.

The first good thing that happened that day was me scrolling through my notifs and my eyes latching to a text from Tae, telling me he had tried to call me and assumed that I probably didn’t pick up being busy, talked about how all his work there was done, how he missed me n wanted to tell me that he’ll see me soon and my heart literally tripped into overdrive and I impulsively squealed, earning a few stares as I tried to snub my glee.

But the next moment I realized I had to give him the news, oh shit the news... this is huge and I’m so confused, I’m not even sure if I’m ready to have a baby.

I had made thorough preparations when I was with Joon, being assured that I was not ready to have a child be a part of our miserable relationship but this…this is new, scary yet exciting. I think I am not terrified to settle down and have a life with Taehyung.

I’m just praying that he’s ready for it too…

A call startles me out of my thoughts and I hasten to clear my throat to answer.

“Kim Seokjin?”

“Yeah?”

“Could please come to the lobby, there’s someone here to see you” the voice informed and I can’t describe the utter joy that filled me, waves of fondness crashing inside my heart as the million images I had preserved within flashed making me jump out of my seat and hurry down.

The lobby was quite peopled and my eyes frantically searched for his tall, slender figure and dark hair, craving to look into those eyes that gazed at me as if I was a jewel too precious not to be fond of. But my breath hitched when I felt a grasp at my wrist and turned to meet Joon’s accusing gaze.

Before I could resist I was being dragged aside to a less peopled area and fear clamped my throat, I wanted to ask for help or run far away but his grip stayed harshly tight on my arm.

“Hear me out, ok?” He spoke while I was literally planning an escape, after last nights incident I’m really not sure if I want to be anywhere around him.

“Jin” he cupped my face and made me look at him and for the first time in a long time I could see emotion in his eyes “baby I’m sorry, I really am…I have been mean to you, I agree. I’ve been insensitive and promise I’ll be more mindful of your emotions, I promise I’ll never cheat, let’s begin again…give me a chance to make it right”

I try to pull my face out of his grasp but he holds me stiffly, hands still forceful as he made me hear him out.

“It’s too late, and you know that too” I spoke trying my best to hold back the weak shiver climbing up my knees and fear building fast inside me “let go of me, please Joon I’m begging you…please stop this. It’s not going to work, how many times do you want me to tell you the same thing? You can’t force me to love you anymore!”
 
And I was startled when he pulled me to himself, smashing his mouth on mine as he ravenously kissed me making me thrash and splutter is resistance.

I pushed at his shoulders with all my might and instead of complying he simply pushed me back against a wall, pinning me in between and sucked at my lips unbothered at my flailing and groans of denial. He was doing it again, trying to force to stay with him and I realized I was sobbing when he denied to stop his actions, nibbling at my lip as I fought to keep my mouth pressed closed.

However, to my worst luck it was at that moment that I caught a faint sight of a tall, slender figure with eyes dead set and frozen on me before he was turning away. I wanted to scream for him and struggled harder.

“L-Let g-go-ugh! Jo-on! S-Sto-p” I shoved him off and saw Joon looking at me with a frown and angry accusing eyes.

“How dare you ask me to let you go even after knowing that you’re pregnant with my child? You’re not going out of my sight ever again…even if it means I need to force you to stay with me” he spoke through gritted teeth cornering me back against the wall while I felt my palpitations rise, doubting if he has finally gone mad.

“You’re wrong! It’s n-not what you th-think” I struggled to keep my voice steady while my mind could only think about running to Tae, but his words were brewing rage in my veins as my heart thumped loudly and tears spilled beyond my control “I won’t let you do this to me anymore!”

I broke out of being caged by him needing to get away when I was pulled back abruptly “enough with this Jin! You’re not keeping my child away from me!”

“It’s not yours!” I tore away feeling restless and yelled the words right at him, my insides burned with hatred as I glared at him, my breath fuming up as I stood finally confronting him and saw him freeze while his eyes grew wide with disbelief.

“You’ve no right over me or the baby inside me!”

Tae…I need to get to Tae…I have to-

*SLAP*

I didn’t realize what happened till I fell to the floor, a side of my face stinging violently and head whirled as I tried to clear my vision.

I can’t believe he could do this, he has never hit me before…

I felt shudders take over me as I drew a shaky breath but fear, shame and self-loathing gripped me vehemently as I kept my eyes to the ground. I saw his feet come closer, and pain tore through me again making me scream out as he grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled my head up to make me look at him.

“Seriously?” He cynically chuckled while I watched his chin push out in severe rage “three years…three fucking years! And you never once wanted a baby, but it took you just five days to get over me and become someone else’s slut huh?”

I pressed my mouth in a line and struggled against his grip on my hair deciding I’m not liable to answer him anymore…he’s a fucking abusive psycho!

“Whose is it? What did he do that made you spread your legs so easily?”

“No use knowing…you’ll never be anything like him” I spat glaring at him and he tightened his grip making me wince harder “you wanna know the truth-I’m so fucking happy that I chose to leave your sorry ass, it taught me how mistaken I was about love…turns out all you ever gave me was pain”

He shoved me back down on the ground and I was quick to steady myself, instantly making sure no harm came to the tiny life inside me. It was almost like instinct kicking in to make me realize how natural it was to be protective over something so precious.

“Make sure not to cross my path ever again, or I swear you’ll know pain like never before” he threatened darkly before scoffing at me “I can’t believe I actually had feelings for you”

“Yeah, same Joon…same” I dusted myself as I stood up, pressing the back of my hand to the sting on my cut lip because I could taste blood “I can’t believe I had once fallen for you. But don’t worry about crossing paths with me, I don’t intend to stay anywhere close to an abusive control-freak either”

I held back my urge to run out in search for Tae and impatiently watched Joon walk away.

When I finally managed to find a scope to look for Taehyung, hoping and praying in my heart that he had not assumed anything ugly and would give me a chance to explain myself, I realized I was a bit too late.

The security personnel told me that he had left without a word and I hastily ran out into the streets, frantically searching for his familiar features and to my greatest luck him standing frozen on the sidewalk and watched as others judged his queer actions.

I hurried needing to be by his side, to see him, to tell him how I had wished every single second through the past weeks to finally be near him.

“Tae!” I yelled trying to grab his attention “Taehyung!”

Turn around please…look at me...see I’m here…I’m yours…I need you…

But my voice seemed to have triggered something in him and he reacted with a harsh flinch as I finally touched his shoulder “Tae?”
He turned, letting those deep dark eyes find me but my soul caved to see how enraged those looked at the moment.

“Hey!” I smiled, my delight to have him near me spilled to boundless degrees and I tried to embrace him but a cruel lash stung my heart to see him pull away from me, his face stone cold and unresponsive.

“T-Tae? Please…I can explain, what you saw tha-“ “Explain?” His deep voice was chilling my bones, I guess I am really in for some bad luck today.
 
“He’s the one you ran away from right?”

I stared to see his eyes be just as cold as his voice and gulped in real pain this time…the idea of seeing him hurt is way more painful than the sting on my lip.

“Right?”

“Y-Yes” my words made his jaw stiffen and it made me feel so ashamed to even call Joon my ex-boyfriend after the way he had treated me. But the greater shock was the moment I said that Taehyung pulled his backpack to his shoulder and began walking away.
 
“T-Tae” I followed after him, grabbing at his arm in my desperation “please listen to me, what you saw it was him attacking me…please believe me…he’s been following me around…he hit me!”

He halted suddenly, head snapping towards me for mini second and I caught the concern in his eyes before his jaw tightened again “you said you're never going back to him” his voice was a complaint against how he had seen Joon and me.

“I didn’t, I-“ “Don’t lie to my face Jin…have you not insulted me enough?! You treat me like trash and yet want me to grovel for you? Is that it? Is that how cheap my feelings are to you?”
The words cut through me as I felt tears roll down my cheeks again, and I vehemently shook my head “please don’t say that"

“I ask you again and again to open up to me but you keep me out of it, and I come here to see you kissing your ex” his voice was a low rumble, anger dangerously barricaded behind his restraint “one thing, I asked one simple thing from you…I only wanted you to love me as exclusively as I promised to love you…but why should you care, I’m a fucking nobody you met 8000 miles away, just a rebound”

So, this is the day all my fears come true is that it?

“Tae-please calm down..” “You know what…fine, go…go to him…I don’t fucking care…you can go and kiss him all you want even if he is an abusive fucker” his voice was so pained yet cruel and I stared at him being terribly scared to see him be so infuriated, the Taehyung I knew would never say anything like this.

My life is in shambles already and the one I had been eagerly waiting for won’t even look at me?!

The next words he spoke made me very unsure if he even had any feelings left for me or not.

“I was such an idiot to believe in the words of a complete stranger…Jimin was right, you can’t possibly know someone’s heart in a matter of days. I guess it’s my fault anyway…I made a complete fool of myself”

He walked ahead without a second glance, letting my hand fall to my side as I stood frozen in my place watching him leave me standing there in tears like I didn’t matter to him at all.

He called me a ‘stranger’…to him I am a stranger he shouldn’t have put his trust on…now how do I tell him I was planning to build a life with him?

á na márië

[A\N] should have put a warning for the huge chapter alert as well 🤐

Hope you are doing well ❤️