Recap of last chapter: the first day of school from Hamza's point of view. He and his best friend Christian talk about colleges and Hamza reveals he doesn't want to stay in Florida although his parents want him to.

One Day

Hamza Musa-Ali

            Gym class is my stress reliever. It’s where I allow myself to think about last night. After dropping Christian off at his house, I headed home with the groceries. I then drove back to school to pick up Hussain. After we got home, I started dinner and got Hussain to set the damn table and Hidayah to help me by making a salad. Mom and Dad filed in at around nine, an hour after everything was done cooking, and washed up for dinner.

            We finally all sat down to eat. It’s a rare occurrence. I was actually somewhat optimistic about it…until Dad’s cell phone rang. Ten minutes later, Mom’s rang. By the time they hung up, Hidayah, Hussain and I were finished eating and about to go do homework. They made us stay and talk to them, and the conversation frankly pissed me off. “Do you know who was on the phone?” Dad had asked me proudly.

            I shrugged to show that I really didn’t care. I just wanted to go to my room and do whatever I wanted to do. “It was Mr. Eubanks. He has high hopes for our company. He was pleasantly surprised that you’re a senior. He didn’t expect you to be this old. Think about it, within five years you’ll be managing our company.”

            My parents own the largest landscaping business in central Florida. Networking and making connections is part of their job to expand their company, and Mr. Eubanks is another one of those rich, white dudes that sits on his ass and makes a bunch of money off of the poor mutherfuckers who work at shit low wages. I’ve met some of them when my parents dragged us to work with them or to Eubanks’ office, and it’s disgusting how the people working under these huge companies have to live. Hence why I’ll never inherit the business.

            That was all that was going through my head the minute Dad said Eubanks. Disgust coated my voice when I said, “I’m sure he’s happy I’m older than he expected.” So that he can condition me to act like a fucking puppet who does whatever the fuck he wants me to do so that he can merge part of my parents’ company with his own, some aspect of it. I’d rather die than be the talking and walking robot people expect me to be.

            Dad just kept going on and on about the business and that got me even more pissed. “Can we not talk about the company for once? Hell, when’s the next time we’re going to have dinner together? My birthday?” Sarcasm was so thick in my voice that Hidayah and Hussain froze, knowing I’d pushed it.

            “Hamza, that is enough of your disrespect.” Mom’s hissing voice was so sharp that if I wasn’t pissed off, I would be running like crazy for my life.

            “It’s not fucking disrespect, it’s the goddamn truth. Sorry if it sucks for you guys to realize that we never have family time and that when we are talking, it’s always about how I’m going to inherit the stupid company…a stupid company I don’t even WANT!” I ended up yelling the last part and heading up to my room.

            And I haven’t let myself think about it till now, fourth period gym class. “Musa-Ali, pass the damn ball!” Caleb looks pissed as I zone out and then snap back in with it. I pass him the ball and he goes and makes a layup. He still glares at me as we head into the locker room. He shoves me and I’m about to retaliate until Christian holds me back.

            “Goddamn it, Hamza, can’t you just chill for a few minutes? I’m tired of always saving your ass.” He looks pissed. I sigh and say I’m sorry and head to the showers, even though no amount of hot water is going to wash away how fucked up my life is.

            School has been back in session for a few weeks but already the teachers have given us a shitload of homework, like we have nothing better to do. College applications are starting soon and each time I think about it my stomach twists in an ugly knot because I’m one step closer to making the big decision. My parents want me to stay in Florida but I need to get the fuck out of here. I can’t put up with fakeness and I sure as hell can’t put up with being groomed and trained like a fucking puppet to take over my parents’ business.

            My dream city to study in? New York City. I love how busy it is; I love the city life. I love how there nobody gives a damn about what you do and don’t do because they’re all too busy worrying about their own lives. Each man for himself.

            Every time I sit down to do homework, my thoughts keep getting me sidetracked. I’ve been looking at the same set of calculus problems for twenty minutes now but I’m still on number one. Not because I can’t find derivates but because my mind just isn’t feeling it today.

            Suddenly, I get an idea. A crazy, stupid, totally reckless idea. There’s a calendar hanging to the right of my desk. Alicia, Christian’s cousin, leaves in…I mentally tick off the days. She leaves on Saturday. It’s Wednesday now.

            Because her cell phone is out of service in America, I have to call Christian’s house phone. His dad picks up, which is pretty awkward. “Hello, sir, it’s…Hamza. May I speak with Alicia?” He puts me on without a word. He’s a pretty quiet guy, but decent. I’d take him any day over my dad.

            “Hello?” Her sexy accent lingers in the air. I recline back in my chair and wonder why I’m suddenly not attracted to her anymore. Whatever romantic connection we had is just so dead, which doesn’t make sense. She’s hot. She’s beautiful. She has a great personality. So why don’t I like her anymore?

            “Hamza?” I always made fun of her on how she pronounced my name wrong just to ease my nervousness. Now, I just ask her if she’s free for the afternoon. “As in, right now?” Her voice is tinged with confusion.

            “Yeah. I can come pick you up. Is Christian home?”

            “Yes, he is. Shall I tell—”

            “No!” I shout before I can stop myself. My heart leaps until I realize that my parents aren’t home. Hidayah and Hussain are in their rooms. “I mean, I kind of just wanted to chill with you for a bit. Want to go eat somewhere? It’s on me.”

            There’s a long pause. I distract myself by looking through my closet for something to wear besides these sweats. “Okay. I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes,” she finally says, her voice quiet.

            “Great, I’ll be there then,” I respond, pulling a hoodie over my head and grabbing my car keys from my bedside table.

            “Something is up,” Alicia says while looking down at her burger. We’re sitting in a booth at Steak ’n’ Shake eating, yet we haven’t really talked since we got here.

            “Yeah, I know. This chicken doesn’t taste all that great either,” I respond.

            I feel a soft hand touch the top of mine. When I look up, Alicia is staring at me with her grey-blue eyes. I feel my stomach drops when she looks at me. Not because I’m still attracted to her, but because I know she’s not believing the act and that she’s close to figuring out that something is wrong. “Hamza, I’m not talking about the food. What is wrong? You’re not acting like you usually do.”

            I shake my head. “Nothing. You’re going back to Spain on Saturday. I’m not going to see you for another year! Hell, I’ll be in college by that time. Is it so bad that I just want to treat you for one small lunch?” I raise my eyebrows and try to look as convincing as possible.

            I know she’s not buying it by the look on her face. It’s skeptical. “So I had to sneak around Christian to be here for a good-bye lunch. Hamza, you are fooling no one.”

            Letting out a sigh, I respond. “Alicia, I never said you had to—”

            She suddenly bursts out. “What the hell is on your mind, Hamza?”

            “Nothing, God damn it!” I shout back, agitated. We both simultaneously realize that half of the diner goes silent and turns to look at us. After a few tense seconds, I put down my food and sigh before closing my eyes. “You know what? I don’t even know.”

            “You know,” she says, scrutinizing me, “you prefer to suffer in silence. But one day, Hamza, it is only going to hurt you. Tell me what is wrong. I will not judge; I will not laugh.”

            “I don’t know how,” I whisper, so past the point of pretending with her. I vow to myself that I will open up to her and only her just this once. To no one else ever again. Not Christian, not my family, or my other “friends.”

            “Is it your parents?” She kind of knows about them and how they assume I’ll take over the family business from overhearing conversations between me and Christian. Before I completely stopped talking about them to anyone.

            “Sort of. It’s…more than that.” I look everywhere, aware of how the helplessness and confusion is written all over my face because I have no fucking idea how the hell to put this and it unnerves me.

            “Have you ever fucked up and not known but then suddenly you start to realize that because you see someone who reminds you that you sort of maybe care?” My question sounds so confusing I’m not even sure I fully understand it.

            “Haven’t we all?” She responds quietly after some time. I take in her grey-blue eyes, the slope of her neck, the curve of her chest, the smoothness of her long, dark hair but it’s wasted. Her beauty is wasted on me because all I can see and hear is someone totally different. Someone with dark brown eyes and wavy black hair and witty remarks and sass like no one else. And she’s the same person who’s been haunting my thoughts and my life and wrecking havoc. And if I get caught, I could seriously fuck up with her and she’d never forgive my scheming ass.

            “Who is the girl?” Alicia asks before taking a sip of her milkshake.

            “Wh—I—”

            “Don’t spit that bullshit with me, Hamza. Who is the girl?”

            It’s amazing how one word can seriously screw up everything and make everything known. But somehow my mouth gets it out before my brain says no. Three syllables gone. “Eiliyah.”

            Alicia’s face is surprised at first and then…knowing? “You finally realize your feelings for her?”

            Wait, what? No, this isn’t how it’s supposed to—“What? Feelings? Fucking bullshit, Alicia. She’s a bitch and nothing will ever—”

            “So bitches are worth dragging me out here for lunch to talk about? I have known you since you were thirteen, Hamza. Do not lie to me because I see right through it. You like her. You have spent years complaining about her but deep down inside you like her but you do not wish to. You cannot stand the thought of liking anyone, so you go after cheap girls who are easy to have a good time with. But let me tell you one thing.” She lifts up a finger to point it at me as she speaks. “A girl like Eiliyah is not open to just anyone. You want her, you work hard for her. She does not seem like those cheap one-dollar girls you like, so do not treat her like one.”

            If and only are two non-threatening words. Put them together and they’re the source of every guilt and regret known to mankind. If only…if only. If only I had thought of this before I’d gotten into what I just got myself into.

            Every guy hates having to choose between a girl and his friends. Bros before hoes, right? I can’t like her. No fucking way. I’ve spent so much time hating her, hating her for her bitchiness and her fakeness. I can’t stand fakeness in girls, fakeness that fools everyone around them. I hate fake and stuck-up girls, two qualities Eiliyah exhibits on a regular basis.

            I want to tell Alicia that I don’t like her, don’t like her because I’m fucking and playing with her feelings and her life right now. Both Alicia and Eiliyah would hate me if they found out, and I don’t want to deal with that emotional shit right now. Not giving a fuck is so much easier.

            So I open my mouth and say, “I don’t like her. I don’t.”

            Alicia’s grey-blue eyes are stormy as they hold back everything I know she wants to say but doesn’t. “Mark my words, Hamza. If you keep going down this road, one day you’re going to wake up and see what she has to offer, but by then someone else will have come along. And you are going to sit there and think that you do not like her because by then, you will realize that you love her.”

            With that, she throws down some money and exits the diner without another word.

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