Kings and Cowards

Hamza Musa-Ali

Hidayah loves this movie, A Cinderella Story, and she's forced me and Hussain to watch it like twenty times. It's a chick flick, but Hilary Duff is kind of hot, so I never complained too much. But the guy that Hidayah loves, the Austin guy in the movie, says something like "You can be surrounded by a sea of people but still feel all alone." Whatever, something like that.

Anyway, as much as I'll never admit that I actually remember the line, that's exactly how I feel around my "friends." They're so fucking...stupid. It's like they're high off of an ego. I mean, I have an ego too, I'll admit that proudly, but at least I understand the concept of life. It's fucked up, plain and simple. There's hardly any good in it.

When I walk into fifth period English class, I'm already dreading it, ironically because all my friends are in it. "Seat eleven." Mrs. Winthrop, the teacher, says. That's cool. I look around for my seat. I spot seat nineteen, and eleven is directly in front of it. I drop my stuff down and take a seat, jiggling my foot impatiently and nervously against the floor. Why am I so nervous? Because Eiliyah might be in this class...it's one of your common subjects with her. I'm not a religious person, but I pray mad hard that she's not in this class. Another part of me kind of wants her to be because I'm intrigued. I want to see why and how she changed since we were fifteen, mere sophomores still fighting like we were when we were twelve.

"Seat nineteen." My gaze snaps up and my stomach drops. Shit. Shit, shit, SHIT. It's her. Eiliyah. She had to be in this goddamn class. She nods at Mrs. Winthrop and floats to her seat. Why the hell is she so happy? Is she seeing some guy? Drew? Nathaniel? She's always with them at lunch, and lunch just ended so...is it them?

The bell rings and Mrs. Winthrop starts talking. "Okay! Good afternoon everyone and welcome to IB English IV!" Damn, woman, who the hell gets excited over English IV? She continues her little speech and I tune her out. Keeping my eyes on her, I slide my phone out of my pocket and check my messages. There's one from Hussain asking if I can come back to school and pick him up after conditioning. I don't want to but...God, fine. I text back saying that I will.

"Pass those essays up, guys!"Winthrop's voice makes my heart leap and skip a damn beat. Shit, I thought she'd caught me. I pass my essay to the right, to Harmony, who I happen to be sitting by. I don't miss how her fingers linger on mine. How long would it take to get her to break up with her asshole boyfriend and date me? Reasonably...it'd take me a few months to get into her pants if I was serious about it...hmm, I'll run it over with Christian for advice. He'd probably disapprove, tell me to get a serious girlfriend, shape up, but I'm not Christian and Christian isn't me. Therefore, we operate differently, no matter what he tries to tell me.

Someone's voice breaks my thoughts, and I immediately wish it hadn't. "Um, isn't Harun Suleiman supposed to be in this class?" It's Eiliyah's voice. It sounds...different. All I remember is her annoying ass voice from when we were younger but her voice sounds...more grown up? God, why the hell does she have to change? Out of all the things going on in my life right now, with me getting involved in...can't just one thing stay the same? Is that too much to fucking ask?

Mrs. Winthrop answers. "I don't know. Is he supposed to be?"

Eiliyah pauses before answering. She does that when she's nervous. I'm itching to turn around and look at her face but I restrain myself. "Yeah."

"Let me check roll call." She goes over to her desk and I can hear the murmurs coming from our classmates. Shit, can't they just shut the hell up? What's the need to always talk about other people? It's not hard to see. Harun is deaf. He doesn't let anyone translate for him but Eiliyah. She understands him better than anyone. Therefore, they have a bunch of classes together. How fucking hard is that to understand and why do people have to start other shit about it? Can't they just let it go? Harun doesn't deserve the crap he gets. People treat him like he's a weirdo, when really, all he wants to do is do his own thing. The thing is, he turned down Harmony freshman year when everyone knew she liked him. That's...that's fucking insane. No one turns Harmony down. Since then, he's been a blip on the popularity radar.

Krish's annoying ass voice breaks through. "Is he your boyfriend, Eiliyah? Wow, you finally got one?" Oh hell no. The mutherfucker did not just insult Eiliyah like that. How...how does-he is such an asshole that I have no words to convey my anger right now. I swear, one of these days Krish is going to get his already crooked ass nose broken by me.

"I wouldn't be talking, Krish." Eiliyah's voice is as cool as ice, enough to burn.

"What's that supposed to mean? What, that weirdo that you're always with finally got rid of you?"

Fuck popularity. Fuck my image. Harun is actually one of the chillest guys at this school and he doesn't deserve this crap. "That's her brother, asshole."

The argument goes on, and I have to admit that while Krish is my friend, supposedly my best friend, Eiliyah is holding her own with a remarkably good speed. She's had practice fighting with you so much. The thought makes me feel guilty but at the same time, consoles me as I pathetically attempt to justify the stuff I said to her in the past. It made her better...right? Yeah. Besides. It wasn't a big deal. She deserved it.

When the bell rings, Eiliyah swiftly walks out after Krish mockingly tries to make peace with her. His lips are twisted up in a mischievous grin and I know he's planning something. Then, he says, "Why doesn't her brother talk anyway? Besides the fact that he acts like a retard." Muther-asshole knew that she could still hear him.

"You idiot, her brother is deaf. And he's actually really cool." The minute I say it, I curse. I need to stop making these comments or else they're all going to think something is up or that I like Eiliyah...ew. Like I'd like her. She's not my type. At all.

After school, I'm at the locker Christian and I share unloading unnecessary textbooks and notebooks. Omar approaches me and claps his hand on my back. 'Yo, Musa-Ali, my man."

"Khan. What's up?"

"Nothing much. Hey, look, the guys are all going to Chipotle. Want to come?" I'm about to say yes, but then I remember I have to come back and pick up Hussain at four. I may be an ass, but I'm not going to stand up my little brother. He's actually a good kid. He has a shot at doing something great. I'm not going to ruin that for him by being as big of an ass that I usually am.

"Right now?"

"Yeah."

"Where's C-" My phone rings and I pick it up.

"Hamza? I need you to get me some groceries from Publix." My mom's voice is commanding. It's do or die with her. I try to control my annoyance as I clutch my locker tightly.

"What do you need?" Besides a better understanding of the kids that came out of your womb.

"I need eggs, ice cream, lasagna sheets, iced tea, yogurt, apples, and hummus." The hell? How am I supposed to remember all of that? I ask her and she sighs angrily. "I'm not going to be home until late because your father and I are trying to sort through some files. Buy the food and start dinner tonight." With that, she hangs up, without so much of an acknowledgement that my day just ended. She didn't bother to ask how it was because she doesn't care. Plain and simple. She doesn't care, and I learned that a while ago.

I lock my phone and then turn to face Omar, who I had forgotten was there. He's looking at me with a raised eyebrow but I brush him off casually. "Mom needs me to get some stuff, so I can't come. Besides, I have to pick up my brother at four."

Omar nods. "Okay, that's cool. Later, bro." He waves and leaves. I sigh and stare into my locker, trying to forget about my life. I feel someone come stand next to me and I turn to see it's Rhys Johansen, Harun's best friend. We nod at each other and I attempt to look like I'm being productive, instead of just frozen because I don't want to do anything.

Through my peripheral vision I see someone else approach and I realize it's Harun, Eiliyah's twin brother. They silently talk, and I can't help but think how cool sign language. Rhys looks so...dedicated? Dedicated to Harun and talking like he talks. It's awesome. Would Christian do the same for me? He's supposed to be my best friend, right?

"Are we going on Saturday?" Rhys asks as his hands are busy putting stuff away. Harun nods I think, because Rhys goes, "Okay, I'll pick you up at ten." His voice drops, which is stupid because it's not going to make any difference and says, "Yeah, Eiliyah won't know." The sound of her name captures my attention. Doesn't know what?

As I catch sight of Hidayah and Christian, I smile. I think I have a concrete way to start thinking of a plan on how to alienate Eiliyah. Damn, if this works, it'll be solid.

Hidayah and I don't talk. Maybe it's because Christian's in the car. Either way, she silently rides home with us and I drop her off. The Publix is by Christian's house and he's willing to come with me to buy groceries after I drop my stuff off at home and grab some money.

"So, how was your day?" He asks. His light Spanish accent can still be heard in his speech. He moved here when he was eight or nine, so it's still partially there.

"It was alright. What about you? Did you see Janessa?"

"Yeah, I did. God, she is so beautiful. Muy hermosa. Did you see Eiliyah?"

This makes me freeze and the asshole behind me honks as I accidentally stop on the break instead of the gas. Christian curses, pissed off at me. "What the hell, Hamza?"

"Sorry, man. I got distracted by the bitch behind me." I lie as smoothly as possible, hoping he'll forget about Eiliy-

"So did you see her?"

"Who?"

"Eiliyah."

"Yeah, why?"

"You were asking about her a week and a half ago."

"Yeah, well, I saw her. She's even more of a bitch than she was sophomore year."

"Really? She got a hell of a lot quieter."

"Yeah, well she still has her bitchy attitude. She called out Krish in English."

"I heard about that." Christian nods quietly. "Krish can be an ass."

"Well, she didn't have to get so worked up about it. It was a joke."

"True, but Eiliyah is super protective of Harun. She hates it when people talk crap."

I shrug and ease into a parking space at Publix. "Who cares about her? C'mon, let's go." I take the keys out of the ignition and just as I open the door, I catch Christian looking at me. "What?!" He shakes his head and gets out of the car. I can't help but feel pissed. Who the hell is he to look at me like that, like my parents do?

After thirty minutes of shopping for useless crap nobody's going to use for a few days, we head outside. We end up putting the groceries in the trunk and then just chilling on the hood of my car talking. As we do, I run my hands over my car-a Hyundai Elantra. I've waited three years for this car and I'm proud to say that I earned it all on my own by working summers and sometimes during the school year to save up for this car.

"So, where are you applying?" Christian asks, snapping me out of my little world.

"University of Miami,University of Florida, all the regulars."

"You want to stay in state?"

"Hell to the fucking no. I want to leave here."

"It'll be expensive." That's Christian for you, the forever logical one. Same with Eiliyah. Being around both of them at once is freaking annoying because they always leave me feeling so incompetent. They're both so smart and focused and...it's like I always have to work to keep up with them. Especially Eiliyah.

"I know. I'm trying to make it work somehow."

"How are you going to?"

"Academic scholarships I guess."

"What about soccer?"

"Doubt they'll sign me. I don't know."

"What do you parents want you to do, man?" Honestly, I don't give a crap what they want. Once I graduate, I'm out. I want to live the way I want to live and do what I want to do. Except for give me life, they haven't done much, always so wrapped up in themselves.

"My dad keeps telling me I have to go to college, get a degree, do an MBA at some high end place, and come back to manage the business."

"So basically, you're coming back here. To Florida."

The dread that I feel at that thought seizes my stomach. "There's no way I'm doing it."

"What do you mean you're not doing it?" His voice is incredulous.

"I don't want the fucking business. If he wanted an heir, he can have Hussain. I want to do my own thing, and the business is the last thing on my mind right now."

"Well, have you told them that?"

"No, because they won't fucking accept it. I know them." I ball my fists up. "Enough about me, Dr. Phil. When are you telling your parents you don't want to do law?" Both of Christian's parents are lawyers. He sighs and looks away when I ask him the question. I know he's not ready to answer that.

Hell, none of us are. We all have that one question we avoid. The funny thing is we act like kings when all we are is just a fucking bunch of cowards.

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Did anyone notice something about the groceries Hamza's mom wants him to get?

"I need eggs, ice cream, lasagna sheets, iced tea, yogurt, apples, and hummus."

^ Try to figure out the significance and comment below. ;)

Love,

Ash ♥

PS: Formspring: www.formspring.com/ashers96