Ash: Evening, viewers. [Pauses] Well, it's evening where we are anyway. This is another episode of The Arranged Boyfriend Project brought to you by ThatHoneymoonFiasco.

Matti: And Matti.

Ash: Yes, and a Swede I lured here with a herring-scented ABBA vinyl.

Matti: [Smirks] God, you're such a nob.

Ash: So last episode we went over that ... hypopplesis thing, since Matti's pretty adamant we've gotta cross all the t's and dot all the i's so he can write a book about it later, maybe. Hey, [picks up a sheet of paper] look at this fancy quiz I've got. It's like a typed-up ... school report or something.

Matti: It's a scoring chart. Don't bend it ... We have one each to take with us when we do our confessions. The idea is that we go down this list of emotions here and score 1 to 10 on how strongly we feel it.

Ash: You missed hungry.

Matti: Hungry isn't ... an emotion?

Ash: See? [Waves paper] This kid doesn't mess around. I signed up for movie dates and he signed up for homework. [Nudges Matti] That was actually my next point. The date.

Matti: [Grimaces] Ah, yeah... The date.

Ash: So last time we left you guys, I'd just moved in for the month and we were about to get ready for our first date. Like... a date date. We've always done guy dates, like going to the pub when the Olympics is on and stuff.

Matti: And boring grown-up dates.

Ash: Yeah, like, "dude I need to pick up some dishwasher salt, come with?"

Matti: [Muttering] What is it with you and the dishwasher?

Ash: But this was like ... like ... pssshhhtt. Mind blowing. This was a proper, sophisticated, people-who-want-to bump-uglies kind of date.

Matti: Sophisticated? We went to Pizza Hut. [Pauses] And there were crayons on the table.

Ash: Still, my point. It was a date. A real couple date. Between dudefriends. [Glances at Matti] It went sorta well.

Matti: [Sighs deeply]

Ash: [Returns to camera] Well, I thought it went well. Except one of my jokes fell totally flat with our waitress... To the point of being mildly insulting [Pulls a face] And she watched me mixing ice-cream at the dispenser.

Matti: Yeah, I mean, who doesn't do that who isn't five?

Ash: But apart from that, I'd do it again. Sometime. Because I'm free. With nothing to do. Nothing at all. Totally ... Totally un-busy.

Matti: You really want to do it again?

Ash: Sure. I didn't think you'd ask. That cool?

Matti: Yeah, I guess. But can we not go back to that Pizza Hut again?

Ash: [Laughing] [Jabs thumb at him] Matti here doesn't want to go back to that place because he got the creeps. Some guy gave him dodgy looks. He wasn't even like ... an old guy. Probably forty-something. He was behind me so I didn't see it, but it's still not cool.

Matti: Er... I guess it made a me a bit uncomfortable, yeah. Tried not to pay any attention to it. I don't know what he was more put out by to be honest: the fact we were two guys on a date, or the fact you came back from the salad bar with a bowl full of bacon bits.

Ash: [Grinning] Just be lucky I didn't bring back the entire salad bar or he might have had an aneurysm.

Matti: ... Even if it wasn't a mean look, I didn't really like knowing he was looking, you know? Like I could tell he was wondering ... stuff.

Ash: Probably trying to work us out, but that's the thing. [Turns to camera] It's really sorta weird behaviour if you think about it. I dunno how the viewers are gonna feel if we lay down some real talk, but that guy sat there for the whole of his meal keeping an eye on two dudes who might be in .. you know, love or something. Or even just good mates. Or waiting for somebody else. Like ... why? [Shakes head] What difference does it make? Some of us like pitted olives, some of us like pepperoni.

Matti: You did not just make a sexual analogy about pizza.

Ash: And now that I've tried double pepperoni, I totally get it. Well, not totally, 'cause it was one date.

Matti: And we're straight.

Ash: [Holds up palm] Nah. Ex-per-i-men-tal. But I sorta feel a bit pissed off about it anyway.

Matti: Yeah ... I've never been that interesting whenever I've taken a girlfriend out to dinner. [Shrugs] I guess we expected this though.

Ash: Can't say it's the shock of the century. [Turns to Matti] Maybe he was jealous? Wanted himself his own little koobideh kebab to take home with him.

Matti: [Laughing] Wait... what?

Ash: [Puts hand in Matti's face] It's an Iranian thing.

Matti: Right. My little koobideh kebab. You realise that's going to stick, right?

Ash: [Chuckling] I've had worse. What pet name should I have for you?

Matti: ... [Pauses] ... Maybe ... Maybe you should ask the viewers.

Ash: [Addresses screen] Hear that? My boyfriend's -- hey that's still really kinda weird -- pet name is in your hands, viewers.

Matti: Do I at least get to pick?

Ash: Do you heck. Speaking of viewers though, we had some awesome questions come in that I really wanted to get into.

Matti: Yeah ... I saw those. Pyjamas or boxers?

Ash: [Throws head back, laughing] You're never going to believe this, but over the past couple of days it's been like ... hotter than the surface of the sun here.

Matti: Sort of. Thirty-four degrees C is pretty toasty for us.

Ash: So Matti actually agreed that fully clothed in bed didn't have to stay on the cards. [Glances at Matti, still snickering] We slept together in our boxers.

Matti: [Frowns] Well ... not together together. You know ... like, beside each other.

Ash: So ... so I guess while this heatwave is kicking off we've agreed it's best to keep the ... [points down] keep the boys cool.

Matti: Strictly for health and safety.

Ash: [Snorts] Yes sir, strictly health and safety. I guess that answers that question. So, next question was from Yotoken89: "Have either of you ever been attracted to guys before?" [Pauses] That's a good one. I think we should answer that in confessions.

Matti: Why would I do that?

Ash: ... Because it's a confession? I thought you liked long words?

Matti: I guess ...

Ash: [Scrutinises Matti] Promise?

Matti: Yeah, alright.

Ash: ... Now I'm kinda thinking you've crushed on a guy before.

Matti: ... [Flicks something off screen]

Ash: Really? [Nudges] Seriously? Whaaaat!

Matti: Wasn't there another question?

Ash: [Squints] Hmm... actually, yeah. These ones came in from Shimaira on Wattpad. First one says, "Tell us some more about both your previous relationships."

Matti: Does that mean like, how our friendship was before this, or people we've been with?

Ash: People we've been with. [Glances at Matti and laughs] Where the f**k do we start?

Matti: Well ... basically, [scratches neck] I had this girl back in Sweden. Man. This super awkward if she ever sees this, but ... and Ash knows this is a thing, but ... I guess I'm still kinda in love with her or something, even though we live far away, and she kinda ... has a boyfriend and all that.

Ash: [Shaking head] Mate, and I've put with seven years of this puppy love, tellin' you the same damn thing every time.

Matti: [Shrugs] Leaving your country and your girl's not easy. I mean, what about you? You've got a girl in your life as well. You're still hanging onto that pretty bad.

Ash: Aww, yeah, but that's still kinda raw though. Like, finding-out-I was-the-side-guy raw. And cancelling-my-two-grand holiday raw. Or, I dunno...

Matti: Never-getting-your-hoodies-back raw.

Ash: Yeah, man. That. At least you and your girl were Facebook official at least once. Pssh. Anyway, your Wattpadder raises another good question that we haven't actually touched on yet.

Matti: Yeah. Where's the thread gone? Oh. "How are your friends and family reacting to this experiment?"

Ash: Hmm.

Matti: Hmmmmm.

Ash: [Hides face] We haven't told them yet.

Matti: Nope.

Ash: [Peers over fingers] I mean, my parents are the first in their families not to arrange their kids' marriage, so I dunno how they'd feel about ... you know ... this. Being arranged. [Puts on generic mom voice] "Rar, rar, rar, I thought we were doing you a favour, Atash!"

Matti: [Laughing] It's so scary how much you sound like her.

Ash: As for Matti's parents, [pulls a face] I guess they're pretty cool about all the LGBT stuff. Just ...

Matti: [Sighs]

Ash: [Laughs]

Matti: Just put it this way, when my cousin came out aged thirteen, they said she was just going through a phase. And now I'm putting myself in a phase. On purpose.

Ash: See, the plan is to tell them at some point, so we'll have to keep you updated on that ... I just ... Don't like to think how hard they're gonna kill us for doing this. [Still laughing] Wow, can you imagine that phone call?

Matti: Time, dude.

Ash: ... Oh man. Maybe setting these things at ten minutes each was a bit ambitious.

Matti: Maybe a bit. So ... er ... what's coming up next time?

Ash: Wasn't it the confessions?

Matti: Right.

Ash: So next time'll be a bit different to the regular videos you're used to by now. We'll be recording separately, so direct any questions at us individually, okay?

Matti: Yeah, and we'll be going over the feeling chart too.

Ash: ... [Giggling] I can't believe you called it a feeling chart. Like, do I get a gold star if I draw a smiley face?

Matti: ... Depends on how big it is.

Ash: [Wheeze-laughing]

Matti: What?! How is that funny?

Ash: [Wipes tear] I'm done. I'm DONE.

Matti: Right, I'm gonna wrap this up pretty quick before my friend coughs up a lung or something. This has been ThatHoneymoonFiasco and me, Matti. Subscribe, follow, comment ... all that usual media stuff.

Ash: [Head down on desk, still indisposed]

Matti: [Points at Ash] Direct some comments to the hyena beside me, [points to self] send some comments to me too. All will be revealed when we try out our first confessions ... Oh man. Okay ... Ash. How do I turn this thing off?

[Screen abruptly goes blank] [Laughter quietens]

Matti: Ash? Come back. I think I've broken it.

Matti: ... Cock. The mic's still on. God, I hate technolo--