A lot has changed since I was chosen to be the imperial concubine, it has been about a month, I am followed by whispers and stares, or women asking for various favours. Which always is to be answered with the same sentence. "You would have to ask permission from our imperial majesty." No eye contact, unless I am being told so when I am accompanying Empress Zhu. It is simple, bow, smile, nod your head, approve agree. And never, I repeat never, question the will of a woman. I look at the portrait hanging in my room, the flowers leave a scent in my room and the milky windows let the hesitant evening sun shine on my face, I grab a flower and admire it's fragility. The door opens "Chunwen, you are called for duty." I nod slightly and put the flower back in the vase.

I look at her face. I understand the tales about her when she was still a concubine, they said birds would forget how to fly and fall out of the sky seeing her face. She has extraordinary beauty, but also something frigtherning about her, something sinister. Perhaps that is simply my knowledge of the things she might've done. Her eyes are studying my face, strangely lovingly, her elegant hand caressing my bare skin. "You look beautiful." She says, "Thank you empress Zhu." She smiles and slightly tilts her head, the silk of the bed making a slight sound. "What are you wonder young Guangzhi?" She asks with a soft smile, I chuckle look down and shake my head. I would never dare to ask such a question. "I insist fox face." She says, almost ordering me to say it. I take a deep breath, "I wonder if the rumours about you are true. If you really are such a ruthless, hateful woman, or if you were.......unhappy." "Who says it can't be both" She says with a smirk, like an animal before finally eating it's prey after having played with it for a while. "No, in all seriousness," She says before passionately kisses me "Guangzhi, I am you. So you would have to ask yourself the question. Are you unhappy?" she says fiiddling with my hair, holding my head close to hers. I smile, not knowing the answer, afraid to realise I am not but I respond with:"Of course not your imperial majesty." I respond. "My name is Yuzan, guangzhi. Dare to say it. Any more questions young fox?" she asks me with a slightly askew smile. "What caused the scars on your back Yuzan?" I say with a smile. Her smile fades slowly, "Being a concubine." I feel guilty as I see a slight tear in her eye as she stands up from her bed. "You should probably go." "Yes your imperial majesty." I respond, bowing my head and immediately standing up and putting my clothes

I would've never predicted that a life of a concubine is so exhausting. Chenliang and I are walking to the concubine square, it is in the middle of the concubine quarters and it is the middle of the social life of us concubines, here we sit if it is sunny or warm, we dance everyday, the women come here to admire us and somtimes to look if they would want to buy one (yes we can be sold). But it is also the way to socialise with the others, as we are obligated to do that, it a great place to arrange tea meetings and other things. Concubines are expected to be productive both day and night, well, that is if you have a mistress that likes you, otherwise you will get your good night's sleep everyday. We are object of virtue and beauty, we must embody that, so you don't sit around the whole day, you garden, play musical instruments, sing, dance embroider, paint, write or read. We have better lives than most people in the country, but we will always see the worst aspects of our lives. Chenliang and I step onto the square, the sun shines in our face binfing us for a second. It shows the white robe, jacket and skirt is not really white but the lightest colour pink I have ever seen. We arrange ourselves and as the people who are the ones who must arrange begin to play as we begin to dance. I enjoy dancing, the elegance is beautiful and I can stop thinking for just a second. After the dancing Chenliang drags me along to socialise. I look at the balcony the women use to look at us and scan for faces I know, I am aware it's not likely but perhaps my mother has....... Stop it Guangzhi, thinking like that only hurts you. But what I do see is giggling young girls pointing at me. I wonder what they are saying and smile slightly. Another beautiful concubine walks up to me, his make up quite, exquisite with gold details with his the traditional red. I smile "You are Chunwen right?" He asks while slightly bowing and cupping his hand, I follow his lead. "That is indeed my name, What is yours?" "Haoran, nice to meet you. Have you heard?" "Heard what?" "You know they sell our portraits?" "Of course I know, I am not completely clueless." "They sold a lot of yours, they say young girls are putting them in their bedrooms and that mother's do it too." I chuckle, "I am sure they are just exaggerating." He points at the balcony "Who do you think those girls are looking at?" I look at the girls and their eyes meet mine. "You are too kind Haoran," I say while walking away but he grabs my wrists. "You are beautiful Chunwen, beauty is power." he whispers.

"Chunwen," I hear. "You've been requested in the planning room." I nod and bow my head immediately, the way we must walk when walking alone. We must not attract attention, it is known by everyone, but we do attract attention as people see what kind of people we are. We are concubines and we are meant as artworks people can feast their eyes upon. I walk through the golden halls, when I am almost at the room they give me a tray with teapot and multiple cups. I want to knock on the door when I hear my name inside the room. "Chunwen, she treats him too lovingly. She treats him too well, I suspect she is falling in love." An older voice says. "You cannot say that Jia li. The empress is too powerful to fall in love." "Don't be ridiculous Lixue, nobody is too powerful for love. Love is an accident and it can be lethal." I hear other voices agreeing. "He will get too much influence, he is already seen as something great by young girls. We cannot let a men have that dangerous impact. Have you seen how many girls are putting his portrait in their room? In some years they'll worship and obey his every whim." "That's not true." The youthful voice of lixue says. "Don't start Lixue, we all know you own a portrait too." another voice says. "The empress cannot afford any missteps, there's too much at stake. She can't be preoccupied, even if he'd be more being than any heavenly creature. I suggest we....dispose of him." "We cannot, it'll be too obvious, he has too much traction now, so not yet. Maybe later." Another voice says. I knock on the door, the voices immediately stop.

I enter the room, I do not look at the women, my head is still bowed down as always. I put the tray down and greet the women with a bow. "You have requested my presence." "Indeed we have," says the one I suppose is Jia li. "Today an important duchess is visiting. Empress Zhu wants you to be there at her side. But remember your limitations Chunwen, you are after all, a man." I nod and bow. "Thank you." "People will put you in other clothes and when it is time we shall sent a servant." I nod but I am really thinking about the way they will plan to kill me, it feels like I won't be able to trust anybody anymore.

I am sitting in front of the tiny desk, the paper tragically empty. I dip the brush in the ink but my mind is just as blank as the paper. My family, I have not talked to them in five years, how do you start a letter after not talking for half a decade. I am not the Guangzhi they know and they won't be the family I remember. How do I even know my mother is still alive? I don't. A servant walks into the room, "You are" I wave m hand in dismissal and nod while standing up. I follow him through the big gardens till we finally arrive at a pavillion surrounded by a lot of flowers. The two women are sitting in comfortable chairs. "Ah there he is, this is Guangzhi, my concubine. Guangzhi, greet duchess Meiying." I make a deep bow for my the empress and duchess meiying. "You are free to talk and look Guangzhi." The empress says. "Yes Yuzan" I close my mouth but I realise I just says "Your imperial majesty." I say immediately. She looks at me for a second, if looks could kill I would already be dead, not that I would mind at this moment. "I apologise empress." I say while kneeling for her. "It is alright." The duchess says, "Right, your imperial majesty." The empress chuckles and nods. "Let's go for a little stroll." She says and I follow with the duchess.

That evening I am pacing through my room as I have not been summoned yet. Is she mad at me, what will she do if she is mad at me, she has killed for less. I pace and pace until someone enters my room. "Guangzhi?" I turn around, a woman in military uniform is standing in front of me. My heart starts to panic "Yes?" several man in military uniform enter the room and grab me, I try to struggle but I have not been trained for this, these boys have. They put a barrel full of water in front of me and force me towards it. I can't help but hyperventilate "It wa an accident, I did not mean to!" I scream and beg but one of the man pushes my head under water. I am panicking as it begins to hurt my lungs, I need air, I am going to die. She wants me dead. I stop struggling, they yank my head out of the water, for two seconds I can breathe, I beg them to stop but before I can say more my ears are already isolated by the water. They do this at least for times, I have no energy anymore as they put me under again, I simply breathe out and all of a sudden my body breathes in the water and begins to panic. I can no longer see clearly and it feels like I am going to pass out when I am yanked out of the water and thrown on the floor. I retch trying to get the water out as I cough and cry. The woman looks at me, with an arrogant and repulsed expression. "put on clean clothes, you are expected in the empress room." I spit out the rest of the water and look at the woman with the same disdain she has for me.

I feel dizzy while walking through the halls, secretly wishing I had stolen one of the knives of the guards. My long hair still wet and my eyes filled with tears of pain and of......emotion? But which one.

I enter the room, I do not say anything like I normally do. "Good evening to you too" Empress Zhu says with a chuckle. I do not respond as I take off my robe and jacket. She stands up, "Have you lost your tongue Guangzhi?" She says jokingly as she walks up to me and puts her hands on my chest. I look at her emotionlesssly.....that is not true, strange. She says she loves me and tortures me. I do not understand this feeling, I do not love her, than I shouldn't feel betrayed. But what I feel is more than understanding, more than simply caring and still, I hate her too much to love her. I hear myself talking but I am not aware I wanted to say anything when it comes out of my mouth. "I feel betrayed, I feel hurt...." I say surprising myself. "Oh my love, just lay down it is nothing like that." I follow her order as she steps into the bed and rolls on her side to admire my face. "Guangzhi, have you seen yourself? You are so beautiful. Have you ever talked to yourself? You are incredible intelligent.  You are so loving, so innocent, so pure, so ideological." She kisses me, I shake my head, "I really love you Guangzhi, more than my emperor loved me. I love you, more than I should love a concubine." She says while showering me with kisses, but all I can think about is my possible demise because of her love. I lean my head away as she kisses my neck and step out of the bed, I feel anxious, why should she say she loves me, why should it be true? And if she really loves me, that endangers me even more. But it also makes me more powerful. I stand up and say: "I am glad you do empress zhu. At least you won't kill me." She grabs my wrists "Guangzhi that was never the point! I did it only because you had embarresed me in front of others." I pull my wrist away and put on my clothes. "And you think I did it intentionally?" I scoff. "You imperial majesty, I immediately went back to work after choking on water, after thinking I was dying, after thinking you wanted me dead.  seriously I would have preffered normal corporeal punishment." I walk towards the door. I want to open the door when her booming voice says. "Stay! Guangzhi as your empress and superior I order you to stay." I turn around. "I am simply asking why." She sighs "I will not accept concubines with imperfections Guangzhi." I sit down on the bed and look her in her beautiful eyes with a bit of an arrogant expresssion, I slowly tilt my head. "And what if I would make myself imperfect?" She smiles and chuckles. "You lose the little power you have. Shall I tell you a legend my young guangzhi?" I nod, she caresses my skin again as she starts telling the legend "Centuries ago there was concubine called Qinyang, she was the most beautiful women since several centuries, she was a wonder. But she was a prisoner of war from a specific kingdom she was ordered to kill herself in honour of the emperor, because what if the king of her old kingdom would discover her and get her back? It would be a devastation. But Qinyang refused to kill herself." She stops carresing my skin and digs her long nails in my skin. I breathe in sharply. She smiles, her nails left faint red bruises.  "So they killed her."

She stands up and puts on her silk robe, "Follow me Guangzhi" I follow her, she leads me to a small courtyard that you can only enter through the bedroom. In the middle there is a beautiful well. We walk towards it as the cherry blossom leafs are trampled under our bare feet. I shiver as I did not have the time to put a shirt on. "Qinyang was summoned to emperor's quarter's for her last time, believing he wanted to love her one last time, he lead her to this very courtyard, he said he wanted to watch the moon one last time. But when she was looking at the moon she was pushed into the well, people say that the well sung for a few days untill their was a new moon, and it was completely silent. The legends say that we can still hear her ghost sing at the full moon. " She walks to the well and I follow her, I look into the well when I feel a hand on my neck, it startles me. I look at Empress zhu. she grabs my head and gently pulls it closer, she smiles mischeviously. "Little fox, are you scared of me." Yes, I chuckle and smile while caressing her face "Of course not Yuzan." I am not about to lose the only power I still have.

The next morning I am playing a board game with Chenliang, it is based on military ways. The board is blood red and the stones are one which is normal stone colour the other is white. When I was young we used to have one with marble stones but that is not how it is supposed to be. The red board has five cicrcles in the middle, going from small to big and these round have small passageways where you move your stones till you win, you can play strategically or not. I always play strategically. But if I would have to explain all of that it would get boring and complicated. Chenliang moves his black stone. "She must be really really fond of you." He says, I chuckle while I move my stone. "Come on at least tell me a bit more, I am in the top ten and I have only been with her in a month!" I smile as he moves a stone "You are going to lose!!" He says with a chuckle. I look at him for my fox face and smile. "Come on just a little bit of information." "She is very intelligent and gentle." I answer. "Come on you can't just stop there!" He nags. We are sitting under the plum blossom and it slowly floats down on us, "I am physically able to" I joke. "COME ON!!!" "Jealousy is a sin here in the concubine quarters remember?" I say with a smirk as I move a stone. "Ha loser!" I nod and smirk. "Chenliang, what if we would overthrow the empress?" I whisper. Chenliang looks around in a panic, "What? Don't talk like that if they hear they'll....they'll let you disappear." he moves a stone. "Yes but what if?" "We should do it, I mean, I understand that women felt the need to be more important but they didn't need to make us such....." "It is basically what we made them all those years so it seems just a bit fair." I say while moving another stone."Still we deserve better." "But what if the new regime will be just as bloody, that would be our downfall." Chenliang shrugs and moves a stone. I move my stone to the middle and look at Chenliang. "You lose." 

He is staring at the board realising I knew I was going to win the whole time. "You BASTARD" He says while laughing when suddenly an older concubine runs up to us and says that we are being summoned to the square of concubines which doesn't happen often. We walk up there, standing on our designated places when a young concubine is brought up the stage. I look at the innocent face, he must be about my age, maybe a bit older. "Attention to all concubines, this absolute disappointment of one is called jiao-long. And he has had relations outside of the permission of his mistress." Everyone gasps, but I cannot make myself act surprised, we all knew he did something he isn't supposed to, his puffy crying eyes his praying hands, the guilt in his stance. "He shall suffer the consequences." "Indeed" All concubines echoe. The boy kneels, I frown, I thought something small would happen but my eyes widen as one of the female soldiers takes out her sword and behead the young man. I close my eyes as the warm liquid spatter on my face. I open my eye and look at my white clothes which are now partly stained with the miniscule evidence of a boy's death. I look Chenliang, his face is also stained with the crimson blood. What has just happened?

I put on other clothes and re-do my make-up. I notice a book on my bed, I tilt my head slightly. I read the title "Legends vanity, beauty and concubines." I flip through the pages. I look at he first one when I see a little text. "Your Yuzan." I chuckle, my Yuzan, it feels endearing but also foolish of her. It is my job to be hers, I never chose to be. I flip through the pages when my eye falls on a story: The demise of the white jade, I begin reading it. There's this beautiful young man a concubine of the emperor's daughter, He lives in a palace and never goes outside although famed there. He eventually he steps outside into the normal world, into a busy city. There are so many adorer's that he is pulled to every side, eveyone wanted something from him, a strand of hair of a piece of clothing and with the husteria it gets worse and worse till he is ripped apart by the crowd. I close the book, I smile, good way to scare me Yuzan. But even than, he did have power over the crowd, he just had too much.