Empress Zhu Yuzan

I find it funny how women are always painted as the villain, even when they do the exact same thing as the men. The only difference is that I have done it better and more succesfully, yes I killed those man, but I will not deny it. I might even be proud of it, I have no shame in being powerful. I have always risen above the flames of my enemies and I will not apologise for that. I might've killed thousand young boys, I might've killed the one I saw as my own son but they were all means to an end and for that I will thank them. But sitting on this throne, with my emperor's hat covering my face, with all this power at my fingertip I will not think twice if I have made the right decisions, because I have.

They should thank me, the country is twice as productive now that both of the genders work, the cases of rape have decreased, the peace has returned, there are no pending dangers anywhere in my empire. Cruelty teaches obedience, lack of emotion teaches sanity. We all know that it cannot stay like this as always, whenever you get to the place you;ve dreamed of you start fearing the inevitable fall. Because summer will always turn to winter, love turns to hate, history turns into the present, Adoration turns into hatred and power turns into death. I know that well....

I stare at the wall as she waits for an answer. I frown as I fold my white hands under my chin while thinking if we should attack and wipe out the people attacking our border or shall I have mercy for the firt time. "Your imperial majesty....we need to..." "Silence." I prick open my finger and sign it with my blood. I take a breath. "Wipe them out." I say while looking up at one of my advisors, she nods with a slight smile as she turns around. "Lixue," She turns around again. "Do not take any prisoners....." She nods.

I take off the empress hat and feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders. The weight of the young girl I once was, whom I promised would not stand by powelessly. She would decide who would get to live and die, she would be powerful. I didn't break that promise, I made her proud, I have made so many women pride, they can now feel pride for being the gender they are. I feel pride, but it makes me tired. I feel so paranoid, I feel like I am injured now that I cannot make these great changes. I feel as if I no longer need to be so cruel, but I am so frightened to lose my grip of this empire. I never thought this was easy but I thought it wouldn't be this hard. I change from my imperial colours, Red and gold into the ones I sleep in, light pink and white. I take out my bun and my long hair feels heavy as I think about things and stare at myself in the mirror. 

"Empress?" The voice of Jia li says. I look up and smile faintly at her as she walks into the room, her smile is painted by her beginning wrinkles. "Yes?" "There has been suspicious behaviour surrounding the concubine Haoran." "Simply give him the water treatment, if it doesn't stop he shall be the first to experience real corporeal punishment." I say curtly. She looks at me "Majesty, forgive me for asking but....." "what?" I ask looking at her intently. "Are you in love with chunwen?" I pause and look at her. "Do not worry about that Jia li, it is not your job to keep me in check is it now?" I ask while lifting one eyebrow. She laughs nervously and leaves the room.

"What's on your mind Fox face?" I ask while looking him in his eyes. His icy blue eyes stare back with a hopeless and resigned expression, a puzzled look of why. He must wonder who I truly am, I also wonder who he truly is. I notice a small cut on his arm and wonder how he got it.... "Nothing." He says quietly while I gently put my hand on his cheek I pretend not to see the meager tear in his eye. "Oh little fox face what is it?" I kiss him and his lips brush mine but they lack conviction. It feels almost the same as the emperor used to kiss me, without much interest, his mind is somewhere else. I look at him "Tell me, that is an order little fox." I say with a smirk. "How young was that concubine?" "What concubine?" "The one that was excecuted today, Jiao-long." I sigh and look away as I sit up. "Was he a friend of yours?" He shakes his head and sighs. "But.... what could he have done wrong?" "He did not follow the strict rules, you knew these were the consequences. He isn't much, he is just a concubine my love." I say begging him to come back to bed. He scoffs and traces his fingers over the panels of the doors while looking out of the window, the full moon illuminating his extraordinarily beautiful face. "He was nothing more than a man who gave up the little honour he had." He turns to me, a look of sadness and hatred on his face. "Yuzan, I have come to respect you. I had no idea you thought so little of us. Of me, I am really an object of your lust and an object of beauty. I had an illusion of being more." "Guangzhi, I didn't mean it like that!" He smiles "I should've known better. I have always been cocky." He says with his beautiful smiling, mocking himself. "Goodnight your imperial majesty." He says while he bows and walks out of the room.

I feel a tear streaming down my face and scream in pain. I hate myself and the fact I was foolish enough to fall in love with him. Am I in love? Am I being manipulated? But o If I think about him my heart relents, his fingers throught my hair, his voice in my ears and his perfume in my nose, his poetry in my mind and his body warming mine. The coldness of loneliness pleading his fingers to choose me, to love me. I am so incredibly alone, I made my way to the top but there is no one there anymore. I am miserable, powerful but miserable. I scream in frustration throw a porcelain vase across the room. It shatters on the ground and I grapple with the fact that I am not as cruel and cold as I promised I would be. I am still so disgustingly human. I hate the fact I desire this boy. I desire him so much that I am even considering setting him free....do I love him? Is that why I want him to be humanised? I wail as I hug my knees and curse myself and my feelings, and that boy, that beautiful boy.

The sun is coming up..... I think about things I shouldn't think about and question myself about things I have done. We had something beautiful, or at least that was what I thought when I first fell in love with the emperor. Yes, I was aware of the power I could provide for myself but I fell in love with his wisdom and kind gaze. I wonder if he has ever been kind or if he only has a kind gaze. I feel a helpless tear on my face, have I always been my own demise? Has love been my rise to the top? Will it be my fall? The scars of the whip on my back, if I fall from a place this high will I fall even further than where I started? Luck run out eventually. I walk towards the well in the courtyard. I stare into the water and remember the way he told me that same story, just like I told Guangzhi. I thought I would be the one to change this cycle of violence but I do not change anything, I am nothing more than a reflection of the man who I have loved and despised. But I will not be frightened of myself, I will embrace my ruthlessness, I cannot hesitate, I cannot love, I cannot become naive like he did. History is bound to repeat itself, I, a normal mortal, will not be to change that course of fate.

I look at the old portrait of my late husband and feel a disdain painting my red tinted lips. When I first met him I wished for the fairytale end, when he died I had long wished for the reality end..... That man was bright, he was wise, beautiful, arrogant and cruel. He hated anything that wasn't completely his idea, he hated intelligence especially in women. I thought he respected me, but I needed to silence him so he could finally respect me, he would've been proud if he saw this, or he would try to kill me again. I am not complaining, because of his reality I could kill him. I could discover a human life isn't as precious as we pretend it is, it is not holy, you do not get punished, you get rewarded when you do it smart enough.  I sigh, I have changed since I was ripped away from my burning village. I smile and light the agarwood incense, she would have been proud. Without my pride I wouldn't have come here, without my naive worldview of love I wouldn't have been here either. I now at least a place where I belong.....

I think about Guangzhi's face, he is far more beautiful than my husband ever was. He has the smile of a young kid, the way his eyes close lightly and the pure sound of a chuckle leaves his lips. He has the eyes that belong to the mountains humans cannot tolerate, he has depths in his beauty no one can ever describe. He is a fox waking up on a spring afternoon, he is light april showers, he is sweet wind carrying the wind on his melody. He is more than I have ever been and more than I could ever be. He is my demise, I sigh and look at the portrait. "I will not be like you." 

Jia li enters the room. "Guangzhi....." I whisper and straighten my back without any emotion. "Yes?" "Sentence him to sun staring for at least three minutes, or till he begs to be released." I say as I look her. She nods her head and walks away.

I am standing on a balcony that is built into the palace and you do not see me here but I can see almost every courtyard of the concubines. I wonder if my husband used to look at me from this same place. I hear the faint cries of pain as his face is forced into the sun, the beautiful blue eyes seem to glow in the sunlight and his pupils are smaller than a pinpoint. I wonder why I do this. I wonder in what twisted reality this will make him love me more. I take a deep breath and stand up as I hear his screams of mercy. I do not need love, I only need obedience.

As I am ruling my empire and thinking about new trading routes I feel a strange stinging in my heart. A terrible ache that nags on my head, a feeling I am not used to feeling but I know what it is, it is guilt, it is remorse. I care too much about this boy. I care too much about the illusion of love and lust. I no longer have anything to lose do I? I am viewed as heartless by the majority of the men, I have made my peace with that. But I cannot make my peace with hurting this particular boy....

I walk through the rain towards the concubine quarters to surprise him there, I want to apologise to him. I want to start in a new way, a way he perhaps could love me too. Perhaps I could be a women worthy of loving, Shut up Yuzan you are worthy of loving, you are the most powerful woman in the whole empire! I want to enter the courtyard from his private room when I see someone sitting under the tree with his head turned upwards, looking pleadingly towards the sky. Waiting for lightning to strike him down, as if he knows fate has something in store for him that would be far worse. His makeup is smudged and slowly dripping down his face because of the water, the red eyeshadow makes it look as if he is bleeding from his eyes, I cannot see if he is crying or not because of the fact the tears resemble the rain too closely but his quickened breath sounds like he has been crying. I look at his face and realise it is Guangzhi, I feel my breath stop, the blue fabric of his beautiful clothes is clinging to his white skin and he is trembling because of the cold. I turn around. "Who is there?" He says standing up. I hide in the doorway as I look at the make up bleeding from his eyes and the mere beauty and pain etched upon his face. I slowly back away before swiftly running away. I feel tears in my eyes, am I really the cause of pain like that?

I curse myself as I run through the halls. Cursing the inevitable fall, the guilt, the humanity that is within me. I am not as strong as I promised to be, I need to be better I cannot let him corrupt me. I cannot be weak, I cannot feel bad for a property, a slave, a servant! I am above that. I should not be hurt by him, I should not be feeling inferior, I should not be feeling panicked I need to have everything under control at all time. But his eyes.... His tears.... His voice. My mind turns them into symphonies of perfections. Why does one boy have the power to sway me? I need to come to my sense and understand that I am not his, he is mine and will always be mine. But he has too much power, too much beauty. He is me, I am him..... So I must choose what my master did not do. I must paint myself as merciless. I will no shame anymore, there are no stories where they will paint me as a heroe, we all know that. I will be merciless, I will scare sense into myself. That boy must die.

The next morning I ask them to get him for me and not to accept no for an answer or let him change. Guards enter the room with him and throw him on the floor before me. It's the first time I ever see him with his hair loose. The hair is hanging in front of his face as he slowly looks up with his fox stare, he isn't wearing any make up. He licks his dry lips and whispers menacingly "Good morning to you too...." I smile and tell the guards to go. He stands up, he is wearing a light blue cotton outfit, it's less elegant than his normal outfits but it makes him seem more human. I like it on him. I walk towards the well in the courtyard and look down. "What is this circus Yuzan." I smile and turn around. "Would you like to go horse riding with me?" I ask. He is startled. "The sun has barely come up." I nod "Exactely little fox." He looks at me puzzled like a lost puppy, "Is that a yes?" I ask with a smirk. He nods.

I lead him to a black ferghana horse, I still use one with a golden colour. But Guangzhi is absolutely enchanted by the black one with a red glow, he elegantly touches the nose of the beautiful creature and I see the life of the two creatures flowing through the wind as he mounts the horse. I can't help but look at the eyes of guangzhi, I adore them as they are singing poetry. I feel the absolute love drown me as I mount the horse and we begin to ride. His hair flows behind him as he looks the happiest I have ever seen him. The way he rides his horse is admirable, he is sitting very upright and it looks like he doesn't have to do anything to control his horse. I smile, he looks good today. I like his own pale skin better than the white paint they use everyday in order to look perfect. I wonder if he trusts me. I wonder if he simply likes this and doesn't read into this. "Come on Empress! Is that the fastest you can go?" He says while spurting his horse with a bright laugh. I chuckle and spurt my horse too. I cannot say I have had this much fun in years.

We stop at a cliff overlooking a beautiful valley with a village in the middle of it. it's bathed in the light of the dawn and the pinkish hue reflects on his beautiful face. He smiles as he dismounts his horse and sits down under a tree. He looks at me with a loving expression as I sit down in front of him. I grab a strand of his hair, if he stands up straight it almost touches the floor. "So you never lost a fight?" He shakes his head with a proud smile. "You are more dangerous than I thought." I joke. "I didn't have a long time to lose fights, we did not fight traditionally anymore when we were chosen to serve." He says with a slight smile he sighs and looks at the sun. "I wanted to be elected a protector, my family had a long history of military prestrige. I wanted to make my...father proud." I look down, his father must be dead, he must blame me. "But perhaps it was better I was chosen to serve." He says while grabbing my chin and smiling a crooked smile. I look into his eyes and realise that I love him for more than being beautiful, he is  voice of reason, a reality I am facing, he is what I have done to hundreds of boys, he is the only connection I will ever have to reality of boys outside of the palace. His relaxed face seems to be happy with his life at this very moment. I grab his face and kiss him. I feel a tear streaming down my cheek, I know I cannot kill him, but I must.

We lay there for a while when he stands up and walks towards the edge of the cliff. "Guangzhi?" I say a bit worried. He takes a deep breath and quaietly asks a question: "How did you do it Yuzan?" I tilt my head as I look him as his beautiful hair is blown into figures of the wind whirling around him. "How did I do what?" "This....did you worry if you were only worth something because of your youth and beauty?" I sit up and look at him before nodding. "I was so frightened to become old, I was frightened to be no longer something to respect." "Is this how women used to feel? He asks as I stand beside him. I nod and grab his head as I see the tears in his eyes. "Is beauty my only worth? Who will I be when it fades?" He asks. I look at him and smile kindly. "Not everything is as bad as you think it. But yes everything turns sour, wisdom is a thing you will be gifted when your beauty fades my dear." He smiles "How would you know?" I chuckle while I feel myself blushing. "It won't be that bad winter evnetually turns to summer, if you have enough patience." he says with a smille while he smiles kindly at me and I feel a burning in my heart while I look at him with too much hope in my eyes. He chuckles and his eyes close in joy, the way I remember laughing when I was a kid. I tilt my head and wipe a part of his hair out of his face. I wonder if I wasn't an empress and he wasn't my concubine, would we have fallen for each other?

We have hiked to the top of the mountain near the palace. His energy surprises me, he is swift in his pace and he helps me up the mountain constantly. But we have finally reached the top. He looks out over the village. "This reminds me of my childhood." He whispers. I sit down and grab a black paper and some charcoal as I start to draw Guangzhi. I look at my beautiful demise, I wonder if he might be worth it, he is worth it, he isn't simply beauty. He is the one who holds me to a standard, who expects me to human, without him my soul would slowly be lost. He holds me in truth and in lies, he will slowly hush me to sleep even when he knows it will be his own death. I look at him as he dances near the edge of the mountains, the way he dances reminds me of a certain fighting style a very specific type of warriors used to perform. But I do not remember which warriors they are. I do not even care, I just look at him as he hypnotises me. Killing him will break me, it might even be my demise..... Maybe he deserves to live. Maybe he deserves to be the lucky one....

The sun is already setting as we ride back to the palace. I look at the lover I will lose soon enough, if I am strong enough. I sigh as he takes over with his horse, I smile as he formidably controls his horse and wonder how he learned that.

We put our horses in the stables when we hear a voice. "Guangzhi?" He turns around "Zhenzhen!" He says with an expression of joy on his face that I have never brought to it. He hugs her "How are you?" He asks but than the girl sees me and immediately bows deeply. "I didn't mean to intrude your majesty!" She says I smile and says "That is alright. Who is this Guangzhi?" "She grew up in the same village, I taught her how to read, she is an incredibly bright lady, you shouldn't waste her in the stables like this." he says with a smile as he gazes at her with an adoring face I do not recognise I feel disappointment in my heart, is this the look he has when he truly loves somebody. "Zhenzhen you said?" I say, she nods. "I will get her job in the library or somewhere else." I say with a smile. Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer, she means something to him. I do not know what but I will know.

I take a deep breath and remind myself of my own affair with general shí. Of course Guangzhi won't love me, and I will kill his lover, and he will come to hate me. Maybe he'll love me in the beginning but he will see how cruel I am. How could he even love me. No one in the right mind can love a human that is said to be the thing next to a god. He won't love me. My thoughts are disturbed by his soothing voice "I heard you've won a battle on the border again." He says with a cheeky smile and I nod despondantly. "Have I ever told you that you are a formidable leader Yuzan? I am proud of you you know....if I am allowed to say that." He says with a smile. He kisses my hands tenderly as he smiles, "Goodnight fox face." I say. "Goodnight, my Yuzan." he whispers as he innocently kisses my cheek. I love him, I know I do. And he stood right there and he loved me, he loved me, he loved me too. Right? How can I even explain the fact that the girl in me wants to love him but the women in me tells me not to.

I look into Zhenzhen's file and where I can put her when I notice the village she grew up in. I frown, the village of shiro.... That means that Guangzhi is from that village too, I stand up and grab his file and open it. Yao...Yao guangzhi. He is from the Yao family of Shiro. I feel my breath quicken, he isn't as innocent as I thought he was, he was trained to become a killing machine when he was young, what is even worse is that I have killed his father and his brother. The clan was too dangerous, the shadow children have always scared me. The way they are trained from the moment they can walk, the way they can alledgedly kill whole armies with only two warriors. But if he has no scars....that must mean he was one of the best ones in the whole clan. He must have been lethal before we tamed him. If anyone finds out he is this skilled in combat they will want him dead. He should be dead, if this boy ever gets his hands on a sword half of this palace will die. I shake my head, that is why I recognised the dancing. From the shadows....the best warriors of the world. I have a weapon sleeping beside me......but it also opens possiblities, if I could control him, I could use him for more. I sigh, but if anyone finds out. I walk towards the fireplace in my room and throw the file in the fire. He might be a weapon, but I will tame him and otherwise we will simply excecute him.