I wake up everyday and ask myself if I should've bought a new house. It has been half a year but it feels like I just woke up from the same hangover. I stand up at put on a baggy blouse and fashionable trousers. I try to ignore the look of the sea from the incredibly big window and tie up my long blonde hair, my tan has subsided since I stopped surfing. I look at the waves through the window and conclude it would be great surfing weather. I grab my longboard and descend the stairs, passing the pictures and prizes of the life I desire. I grab my keys and look at the necklace hanging next to it, the blue beads are interrupted by shark teeth and surf icons, in the middle there's a beautiful frangipani trapped in glass. I hesitate but I grab it and put it on.

I put on my aviators and begin to skate. The salty wind through my hair is familiar but not as exhilarating. I skate along lush greenery and flowers to Playa Dominical. The bustling sounds of life overwhelmingly happy on a bright summers day. I arrive at the beach and pick up my skateboard. I sigh and take off my shoes and let the warm sand dig into my skin with its unhealthy heat. I walk onto the beach, but I don't go near the sea. I hide underneath the palms and the other The wind blows through my hair and the salty tears are blown away into raindrops. I stare at the ground, trying to ignore the surfers on the beautiful waves. "O my god! Are you Pelagios Cormorant?" A young voice says. I look up, a young surfer is waxing his board and looking at me, expecting an answer. I nod and smile "Yeah, that's me." "Hey man I understand you want to be left alone of course but man! I am such a fan!" I smile and nod proudly but I wish this conversation was over. "That's very kind." I say with a smile. "Kind?! You are a legend man! Youngest world champion! And eight world titles! your aerials and Gorkin flip are simply elegant! I don't understand! You are fucking amazing! The simple fact you are a switch-foot is...." I laugh and shake my head. "Come on man, calm down, I just worked very hard! Seriously, I think there are many people with tremendous potential including you! And if we are talking about favourite tricks I will have to go with a layback." I say with a smile. "I could sign your board if you want to, and after that you should get back in the water. There's a bomb coming." I say with a smile as he gives me a waterproof marker." "Would you like to party wave with us?" He asks while I walk away. I turn around and smile while shaking my head. "Sorry don't have the gear today but perhaps another time!" I turn around, a little white lie cannot hurt anyone can it?

I enter the hair salon. "Hey Gus! How are you?" My friend JJ (his name is Jacques Jones, and that sounds.....rather absurd. (simple explanation, French mum tragically American dad)) says. "I am quite alright, tell me, how could you make me look the least like myself?" he looks at me and frown. "What???!" He wipes his balayage dirty blonde hair out of his face and takes off his yellow tinted hippie glasses to look at me. "You....the one who has refused to let me cut your hair more than one centimetre for about ten years wants....to look different? What have you done? Committed a murder?" "Oh no, than you would've helped me dispose of the body already." I joke but I do not feel the joy my face reflects. JJ puts his scissors down and looks at me with a frown. "Darling Excuse me is it alright is Marlene cuts you, I need to help a friend." The girl nods modestly and JJ walks up to me and looks at me. His normally whimsical face has turned serious and maybe even suspicious. He brings me to the back of the salon and closes the door. "What the actual fuck Gus....." He says with a concerned look. "What?" I say with a smile. "You never change your appearance..... We even joke about that." I shrug. "I'm trying something new." He wipes away his curtain bangs and shakes his wavy hair, "Are you crazy?" he asks, I stare at his vintage 80's clothes. "I think people will be more likely to wonder that about you." "Are you sure about this?" I nod, but to be honest I am not even a bit. "Are you okay?" He asks while putting a hand on my shoulder. I nod but I think we can both agree I am not.

"Alrighty." He says while smiling. I sit down in the chair and don't look in the mirror, I hate looking in the mirror, it feels like I can no longer see myself. It feels as if there is a painting from somebody else hanging in front of me, so why would I not change myself? "I am going to do a blueish black for you, it'll match your skins undertone better than a greyish black. I will also cut it short. Are you alright with that?" "You have free reign JJ" I say with a smile. He nods and starts to cut. "So are you competing this season?" I sigh and shake my head. He looks at me. "It wasn't your fault you know?" I look down..... He puts down his scissors and gives me a hug. "it wasn't you fault. You still deserve to be happy." I do not know how to respond. I don't understand why he knows me too well....

After a while he turns me around. "Meet the new you." I look at myself in the mirror, unable to recognise the painting of myself it is producing. I look at the lighter complexion and the wavy dark hair that fits with my blue eyes. I take a deep breath, "I....I..." "Are you alright." I nod my head, but it feels like I am drowning in oxygen. As if my eyes are being smothered by fear of familiarity. I take a deep breath and thank JJ. "Hey, remember we have a dinner planned tomorrow night." "Of course I won't forget!" and I smile.

I walk back over the beaches to the mansion I have, I think about my life it has been quite a strange series of circumstances. I was born to a couple here in Costa Rica, my mother was a part of the Cabécar people and my father was very Australian and a hopeless surfer dude, he still is although my parents live in Australia now. The first five years of my life were spent here in Costa Rica while we often travelled to Australia. I learned surfing and when I was eight I was invited to audition for a role in a children's tv show. I thought I wouldn't get the role and I only auditioned because they wanted a child who could also surf. I was chosen and I became a good child actor of one of New Zealand and Australia's most popular tv shows. I met my best friend there, he played the role of my best friend in the series. It was about a boy who slowly figures out the way through life after his parents died in a car crash, which required him to move from Britain to Australia, his father was a surfer and because of that he tries to learn how to surf. Chase (played by my new best friend) is an Australia native who teaches the boy how to surf. While filming I learned how to be even better at surfing and acting, it felt incredible to become this good. To help people with what you do, to actually enjoy the job you do. I will always remember those years as one of the best in my life. But I also discovered that I wanted to become a professional surfer. So after my contract was done I began to compete professionally, I surprised myself by being better than I thought I was. It was incredible I had found my soul, I understood the world when the waves were washing my hair, it felt natural as the salt crashed through my soul, it felt good as you accidentally rode the tube, afraid of getting inside the wash cycle, I loved......

My thoughts are interrupted by a familiar voice. "GUSTAV!" I turn around, wondering if they're talking to me. "IT'S YOU RIGHT?" The surfer says while running towards me. I smile and nod, it's Acke, a Swedish surfer that I used to be friends with but we kind of grew apart. "Acke!" I say with a smile. "O my god Gustav! You don't look like yourself! You look like the lovechild of you and Keanu!" He says with a chuckle. I chuckle with tears in my eyes and nod. "How is Keanu?" I smile and take a deep breath. "Keanu..." The sounds of his name tastes bittersweet on my tongue as the lips prevent myself from saying it like I used to. There is...this problem with my brain that won't let me say his name the way I used to say it. "Keanu is....gone." "Oh really? Interesting! But Gustav! You should come surfing with us tomorrow for good old times sake, like back in Australia when we were you!" I chuckle and shake my head. "For the last time my name isn't Gustav and I am not planning to participate this season." He laughs, a laugh that shakes your belly and makes you cough. A laugh that makes yourself doubt if you ever were serious, a laugh that makes you feel alienated if you do not laugh along. And still I do not. "You are serious?" He asks and I nod. "Well, all the more reason to surf more right now! I will be expecting you tomorrow! Or shall I get you at your place?"

The waves are black and all I hear are the raindrops falling on the water above me. Well, above me, I do not know what's up and what's down. My lungs feel like they are imploding as I swim towards the bleak hand in the darkness when a tide rips me away. As my head rises above the water the salt in my tears and eyes stings and my lungs are exhausted, I do not recognise anything, I have no sense of reality or control all I know is that I need to dive......

I wake up with a start and close my eyes while taking three deep breaths. I feel my head being wrapped in cotton again but before it begins to float I step out of my bed and into a ice cold shower, my head hurts as the cool water hits my skin but I decide to ignore it. I look in the mirror and I am startled by Keanu looking back. I relax when I see it's just me with my new haircut. I wonder why I waterboard myself everyday for something I did not do.
I know the answer.
I know that I feel like I did do it. Or at least I didn't save him, it is a tragedy, but it could've been avoided.

I put on my sunblock and grab all my gear before casually walking to the spot we promised each other we would be at. I feel my heart pumping blood towards my ears and even the sea inside of a seashell could not drown out the noise of dread I hear. I sigh again and wait "Already out on dawn patrol?" I hear JJ say. "I didn't know you were coming too." He smiled, "Me neither, I wanted to surf but I don't see you on the beach often so I thought I would check if you're alright." I stop waxing my surfboard and laugh while throwing the wax at him. "You are the one not wearing a rash guard! Don't insist I am the idiotic one." He chuckles, "What are you doing here?" "Waiting for Acke, he wants to surf with me." JJ sighs, "You didn't tell him did you?" "I'll be fine, I should know what I am doing." I say with a chuckle. "I am not worried about that." He sighs. "Well, I'll be catching a wave, see you soon." But at that moment Acke arrive. "JJ! Long time no see! How are you?" "Not too good since the tragedy." He says looking at me, expecting me to tell something. "Come on guys! Don't waste time!" I say while putting on my rash guard, securing the leggie on my ankle and running towards the sea.

I breathe steadily, as if it doesn't feel like I am running into the mouth of a monster with a thousand teeth, as if I don't feel like the sea has turned into Charybdis, as if the beating of my heart isn't gradually quickening as if it is going to explode as if I do not feel the extreme urge to run away from the water, not into it! But before I know it I and paddling through the waves duck diving the waves that aren't 'good enough' "So are we planning on doing a party wave?" JJ asks while looking at me. "If we find the right wave, certainly!" I say with a smile, trying to control the breathing. "Here it comes!" Acke says with a smile. I nods and close my eyes, remembering the concentration I would use for the competitions. "Just one more time." I sat with a smile before I drop in. The wave is perfect! I feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins and I begin to feel a smile dawning on my face. I haven't felt this good since the accident. I do a beautiful full rota and a layback before finally trying if I still got it. I take a deep breath before doing the Gorkin flip, I feel the euphoria as I land safely on the wave again.

The wave starts to barrel and I feel a shot of happiness again. Ï am riding the barrel I say while stalling by putting my weight on the back of my board. "I do not know...." JJ says. "Do it, and we'll see where it ends!" I nod and look determined into the barrel. "Let's go." I whisper.

There are not many things as wonderful as getting slotted, you are encapsulated by wind and water that surrounds you, the coursing sounds are magnificent as if somebody has composed them by God's hand. Or whatever is up above. It is incredible seeing how soft and sweet something as violent as the see can be. It is like music playing with your life but you do not mind. I sigh in full bliss when I see a reflection of myself in the water, I slowly freeze as the reflection turns into the swollen dead body of Keanu. I can no longer concentrate as I look at the dead body in front of me. My head keeps repeating the same to words: your fault, your fault, your fault. I feel my heart in my chest, it feels like it is going faster than a maniac on a motorbike, It feels like it has the chance to win a marathon if he only overtakes one person. I try to keep myself standing but as I get dizzier and dizzier it feels like I will fall no matter what.

I am shaken by JJ's scream. "It's going to close up soon!" I look at the end of the barrel and notice the opening getting smaller and smaller. "shit shit shit shit" I whisper through my teeth. I know I have no longer a chance of being spat out as the wave crashes over me. I am in utter panic as I open my mouth, forgetting not to breathe in. I try to scream as I am being rag dolled when my body is suddenly overcome by a certain kind of peace. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I close my eyes and grab my leash slowly pulling myself up till finally my mouth tastes air.

"Wow....I have never seen you getting pitched before...." Acke says. I scrunch my nose is frustration get on my board and paddle away while coughing. My jaws are clenched shut, I curse myself for what I have done but I also curse myself for not simply getting over it and enjoying my passion. "I thought you rode the waves beautifully." JJ says as I aggressively walk onto the beach throwing my board on the ground and sitting down in the sand. "I can't even ride a barrel correctly.... I just fucking lost everything that I am. My best friend, myself, my proudest moment and myself." JJ sighs and looks at me. "Alright I am fucking done, you're going to tell me exactly what happened that night." I shake my head, "the police knows everything, ask them." "No, I want to hear it from you. What you deem important about that night." I sigh. "Do I really have to." JJ smiles and nods.

"It was a dark night and we knew it would storm but we had planned to sail to Hawaii and we didn't want to waste any time. So we had taken off in our cozy little boat. The first night we had gotten drunk, I do admit it was a stupid idea to get drunk but it was....it was, we were stupid okay. So we really were...a wasted kind of drunk you know. Maybe had a joint or two, at least he did. I didn't.... but anyway. Keanu was his normal silly self as always, his scruffy black hair all over his face and his scars funnily making his seem even happier.... I thought he was alright. He promised me he was on his meds.... He promised." I bury my face in my hands, ashamed I didn't see he wasn't on them. "He was talking about his stupid philosophical debates, why life doesn't matter and about reincarnation was a better idea than heaven. He was ranting about absurdism. The storm was getting worse so I recommended we would go beneath deck and he nodded. I said to him 'you know, I think life doesn't really matter, we find the people we are supposed to find anyway. Like we found each other.' He nodded and I began to descend the stairs when he said. 'I think it doesn't matter either. I wonder if this matters.' And he let himself fall into the water." I am silent for a time. Thinking about the horrible imagine of my friend falling into the blackened water of the storm that had gotten heavy by then. I made him feel insignificant, I made him feel like he wasn't important enough. I had made him feel....worthless. It was my fault. I had caused this tragedy. "And then, what happened?" I shrugged. "Normal procedure." He shakes his head. "No, you almost drowned too. What happened." I sigh. "I did the normal procedure, warned the coast guard, etc. But I couldn't stand by, I" I smile with utter disappointment in myself and disgust at my unsuccessful actions. "I tried to find him. I dove and dove and dove again, seeing the same hand a million times, in a million different direction, never getting quite close enough to grab it. I swam through the water screaming his name, hopeful he was alive, I froze through the night because I was hopeful to find him. I didn't drown because I was to cowardly to go the extra mile for him....I failed him. Like I always did." JJ looks at me. "You always were with him. When he was in rehab, when he was in the psychiatric unit, you defended him with your life. You always went the extra mile. If you wouldn't you would've cut your wrists because of guilt long ago. I know you Pelagios, I know you definitely went the extra mile. You just couldn't save him." "When we were still filming the show we talked about child stars and the way they die early or get....used in some way. I told him I thought I would die early, I said I would be the one committing suicide. He said he wanted to be happy, he said he believed he would be happy and he would keep me safe. I laughed and threw away my cigarette. I was fucking twelve.... I thought I would be who Keanu has come to be...." JJ stand up. "You know what my advice is?" I shake my head. "Go to his parents...." "Aren't they in Australia?" He shakes his head. "They're living in his house for a while. The house you gave him remember." I nod and smile. "You are a good man Gus, don't forget that."

I hesitate as I look at the familiar door. I sigh and knock on the door, his mother opens the door. I instantly begin to cry "I am so sorry Mrs Havelock" She hugs me tightly "Oh angel you do not know how happy I am to see you!" She says while holding me tightly. I feel the tears streaming down my face as my chest heaves in the air it needs to feel safe. "I am so sorry." "What for?" She asks. "I should've kept him safe." "You cannot stop all bullets in the world Gus." She says as he looks at me. "I like your new hair." I nod as she leads me through the familiar rooms, all of the same pictures of Keanu and I are still on the wall. Proving they're not mad at me. "We were waiting for you." His father says with a kind smile while a sits down. "We know it must've been incredibly traumatising so we did not want to bug you. So we waited." I nod with tears in my eyes. "I miss him so... I feel guilty....I cannot....I am sorry." I try to make full sentences but they just look at me sympathetically making my breath quicken and it feels like water is shoved down my throat to suffocate me.

Mrs havelock briefly disappears before coming back with a letter. "We wanted to give it to you. But we thought you might be mad at him for....you know. We didn't want to pry. We haven't opened it either, it is the only letter he has left." I look at the letter and decide to read it aloud.

To Pelagios Cormorant
From Keanu Havelock

Hi Gus,

I do not quite know where to start. Because how to you start a suicide note? I do not have any prior experience and I do not think google has any answers for me but the suicide hotline. So, Gus, you've done everything you could for me. You are the kindest most wonderful person I know. You are the light of god's grace itself, or at least, that is how I see you. You are more kind than anybody, I hope you never lose that. The day after tomorrow we are going on a sailing trip, I intend not to return. I am sorry I need to do this to you and it is totally fine if you are mad at me. I will survive that (heheh get it), I simply cannot live with those cursed meds, they make me feels as if my brain has been ripped out. And I cannot live without those curse meds either, because that feels like my brain has been set on fire, sometimes beautiful most times and utter disaster. I do not have much of an explanation. I simply want to say this.

If you will feel guilty I will haunt you till you forgive yourself! Do not dare to feel guilty, you were far better than I deserved and I was far less than you could've had. But still you stayed. And I will forever be grateful for that. I am sorry I did not stay with you. But it'll be better for me.

To mum and dad because I am sure you've already read this or he is reading it to you: I love you so so much. You've done everything right. I am sorry I wasn't a better son.

Oh and btw, you can have my quiver!

Sincerely, Keanu (not reeves) Havelock

I chuckle, even in his suicide note he can make me smile. "He was more than I ever deserved." I smile,

A month later

I enter the salon. "Getting your roots done." JJ asks. "Exactly the usual." I say with a bright smile. "I saw you yesterday at the competition, You were absolutely phenomenal!" "Thank you!" "So what's up?" "Had my first therapist appointment and have I told about Waves against silence?" "No tell me!" JJ says excitedly, looking at my roots while I look at his beautiful simple outfit of a sheer turtleneck and weathered black jeans. "It's a mental health and substance abuse camp including professionals where they also learn surfing to feel somewhat normal. It's both to raise awareness and the profits go to charity," I am so excited about it. "He would've been proud." He says while gesturing at a picture of Keanu written im memoriam beneath it. I smile, he would've been proud. "Hey Gus." "Yeah." "I have always been too shy but life is...short. Would you like to go our on a date with me?" I chuckle and smile. "What took you so long?" "Is that a yes?" I chuckle, "of course" 

If I need to explain surfing slang just tell me