The weeks of the exam have been stressful. And as if study stress isn't enough I have heard whispers around me when I pass people, I wonder if they have some foolish idea of who I might be. I can no longer be inconspicuous, people know me, life leaves the choice to me if it is good or bad. But even if it is good to be known, it'll bother me. But thankfully my mind is helpfully numbed by the exams. I got some of my colour back, and perhaps some of my spirit too. Every time we finish an exam Thrjel looks to me, his stress finally wiped from his face and his smile present again, till we need to go back to learning for the next test.
I put my pencil down, I just finished the last one. The one about the culture of Awnlund, my handwriting on the finished paper is messy and chaotic, I don't care about this one, even if I should. I know I got a good grade but I also know that I will never spend any other minute looking at the glorious history of a country soaked and bejewelled with blood of my people.
I open my book, it's about the ecosystem of Fianlynd but I know that half of the things mentioned in the book have been either imprisoned or do not exist here anymore, we were even robbed of the animals that concluded my childhood. I sigh and look at the sun shining into the classroom full of students that will forever be unsure about their answers. The burning of the star far far away makes me envious. I lean against the back of the chair and straighten my own back, my face relaxes with certainty of freedom.

"Pencils down." The professor calls out and all the students listen, we all know full well that if you dare to even finish a last word your exam might be considered unlawful. Thrjel sighs deeply and stares at the paper as the professor removes it from his desk.
"I thought you would know a lot about Awnlund, after all you were raised with its history." I say with a chuckle.
He bites his lip "I might have been overconfident."
"Aren't you always, my dimwit?"
"Since when am I confident?" He says, as if confidence is the worst thing in the world.
"I never said that! I was insinuating that you had no reason for confidence." I answer with a smirk.
"Is that worse?" He asks and I stare at him, wondering if he is acting dumb or really that his tool hasn't been sharpened in thirty years. But his laugh replacing his overly serious face reassures me. "You're so gullible!" He exclaims.
I groan. "I'm not gullible, I just think you're dumber than you are. Not to mention I might be gullible because I trust you blindly." I cross my arms and look the other way.
"That's the greatest compliment I have ever received from you Xad." He pats me on the back.
I shake my head "Perhaps you should write it down."

We walk out of the classroom and pass the burnt down room, the sun shines expectantly through the damaged roof, winking to me as if he wants to thank me. Or maybe that is my ego speaking.
"At least you made a beautiful skylight.... You should go into architecture." He jokes as we stare at it blinking dimly in unison.
We hear some people whispering behind us but apparently they're not very good at is because I can very clearly understand each word they're saying.
"I bet he skinned some pets when he was a kid." I hear someone say and I remember the thrashing motions of my cat as it breathed in the dirty water. I feel a tear in my eye and sigh, trying to calm myself down.
"I know right! He must be an absolute psychopath." My nails dig into my scars and something is burning in my throat, and this time it isn't alcohol. Would I happen to still have something flammable left? Maybe the boy's hair is dry and catch fire easily.
"We shouldn't talk like that boys." Another says and I am thankful that at least one of them has the guts to speak up. "He is too dangerous."
I turn around and stare at them for a second before smiling and saying "Boo."
One of them puts his arms in front of the others. "Do not provoke him." He says quietly.
I chuckle and nod "I am not an animal, love. Unlike you with your prim and proper curls resembling a little lamb. Tell me where is your mumma, does she need to save you from the big bad wolf?" I say looking him up and down, his blonde curls beautifully arranged into things resembling spirals, his green eyes staring sheepishly at me, wondering whether to be frightened or insulted. I smile and go one "in a normal world the wolves eat the sheep, without any guilt, without any problem. And the sheep can only accept that they're doomed."
The boy pumps up his chest with air to look as if he has some ounce of bravery "Then why can't you eat me dear wolf?"
"Because they pulled out my teeth and I will admit that. And you are incredibly lucky that your farmer has a gun that scares us. But trust me" I lean in and dig my hand in my hand in my pocker, I hover above the beautiful boy looking down on his small frame "One day the silend ones will be the army chorus, one day the underdogs will be wolves once more, and sheep will be herded again." I smile and grab my lighter out of my pocket, the flame dangles in front of his face as I run my fingers through. "Now run, little lamb." I whisper and all the boys follow my advice.

I hear Thrjel laughing behind me. "You didn't have to scare them like that."
I shrug and put the lighter back "I know, but admit that it was very fun."
"Never knew a mopstick could be so scary." He says as we walk through the halls.
"Then you don't know me very well cookie stuffer." I say with a gleeful laugh, I look at him "Did you forget when I pointed the gun at you?"
"I wasn't afraid of you then." He says with a smile as we walk through the cold halls we won't need to return once we have the results in a few weeks.
I tilt my head, mimicking him and wondering if it helps when he does it, because to me the question isn't more clear at an angle.
"I would never be afraid of you Xad."
"Damn, so I can never pull a prank?" I say as I light my cigarette.
"Indeed! How lucky am I." We chuckle and walk to his dorm. "Oh I also have a surprise for you Xad."
"Is it okay if I get something from my room first?" I ask with a smile and Thrjel nods.
"See you in a bit."

Cyaren is jumping on my bed as I enter the dorms. I put my bag down and chuckle.
"Be careful will you? You need that pretty little brain of yours for a long time." I say. "What do I always say?"
"You only have one body, so take care of it." He repeats in a strange voice. I shake my head and chuckle, my back hurts as I bent down to kiss him on the head but he jumps up and forces my teeth through my own lip. I hiss and suck on it, trying to hide that he was at fault. I sigh and sit down next to the boy, his eyes reflecting the hope he has given me.
"Today was the last exam. You know what that means Cyaren, don't you?"
He sighs and sadly nods "You only have three weeks before you leave." I can see a tear glistening in his eye.
"That means I still have three weeks." I say with a smile, positivity doesn't suit me, but it is better than seeing negativity on people you care about. Cyaren wipes his face washing his hands with the salty water of his face, I sigh and smile, I get a cookie out of my bag.
"I didn't have appetite..." I say as I give it to him. His eyes radiate with childish luck and my smile is crooked and strange. I put my hand on his cheek and I remember why I didn't want to care about anyone, because you are doomed to lose one way or another us insubordinates will lose. When it comes to luck, to people, to violence. I just want to witness somebody's eyes every day, I want to be certain I will wake up and they will be there too. I want to know that mourning is something that won't exist.
Cyaren looks up and puts his childish hand on my cheek and I smile at the innocent gesture, he trails over the scar emerging from my lip with his elegant finger.
"Did a dog bite you?" He asks.
"No, a dragon did." I joke and shake my head. I stand up and grab the bottle from under my bed and put it in my bag.
"Behave yourself will you Cyaren?"
"Yes xad!" He says with a smirk as I leave the room and not even an ape is dumb enough to believe that.

I enter the dorm and put my bag down I look around and take a deep breath, it feels strange that we will have to abandon this in a few weeks. Even if I never felt at home here, it's a mystery, but perhaps a blessed one.
"Thrjel?" I call out as I look around.
The doors of the closet open and Thrjel stumbles out of there. His hair is messy and he looks rather disoriented. "TADA!" He exclaims as he holds up a beautiful white blouse, the linen is soft, thin and slightly see through at the bottom. The turtleneck is adorned with classic buttons on the side and the top of the blouse is tight and the bottom fades out like curtains in a cold spring breeze when someone finally has enough courage to open the doors. The embroidery reflects a perfectly shaded foxglove, a honeysuckle and other wildflowers. I look at Thrjel and tilt my head, I suppose I begin to understand why he does it.
"Do you want a compliment for your impeccable style?" I ask.
He looks at me, slightly disappointed before he finally explains why his face has more joy than a puppy hearing a squeaky toy for the first time. "It's for you Xad. I taught myself to sew so I could make this for you. So you don't have to keep wearing the uniform the last few weeks."
I run up to him and proceed to hug him tightly "You're so stupidly good at gift giving!" I complain in his ear. I take the blouse in my hands and stare at the seams, they're a bit messy, the hesitant mark of a beginner, I look up at him and try to figure out how he learns to be as kind as he is. It puzzles me so much, and it gives me hope, even if that hope is superficial I think I need to. I stare into his light yes and nod. "I need it." I whisper.
"You need what?" His head immediately cocks back into his puppy stance. I chuckle and take off my waistcoat and blouse and put the new one on. Thrjels eyebrows are higher than they normally are as he stare at me from under them, his mouth slightly opens as he smiles, but not a familia one, it is one I will have to decipher another time. My eyes feel small as my cheeks push them upward because of my sheer joy.
"You look....." Thrjel begins, but he interrupts himself and looks me up and down.
I twirl and look at him "Come on, go on dear, inflate my ego!"
He chuckles and shakes his head "You look beautiful Xad." His eyes flutter nervously as they linger in places I cannot place. He sighs and rubs the nape of his neck. "Shall we have some fun? The weather is beautiful, we should go outside." I nod curtly and we walk out of the room. I sigh and look at the youthful shine of the ancient sun and feel the energy invigorating myself. I hit Thrjel and scream "Last one outside is a rotten egg!"
"You're so childish!" He screams but we both know that we will honour that line forever.

We are both panting as we sit down in the grass not far from Kuon's grave.
"I told you I'd win." I say with a chuckle.
"You cheated! You knew which hallways would be busiest!"
"That's not cheating, it is called strategy my love." I say with a smile and I turn my face toward the sun and close my eyes, knowing the light of a god that bright isn't suited for a nobody like me. I look back at Thrjel, his hair is illuminated by the sun, his face is sunken in thought as he stares at Kuon's grave, maybe I should have never allowed him to see the truth, have I shattered something in him? I feel an awful knot in my stomach and wonder how my mood can change this easily, I scratch my skin, hoping for some relief of pain. Thrjel let's himself fall backwards into the grass and sighs deeply. Thr truth might be simpler than I make it out to be, Thrjel is the sun, he has never seen the dark, the night, the cruelty, and I don't want him to either. He needs light to flourish, light like himself. But I can't give hit to him, I am not the moon, I'm not even a star. I am part of the everlasting void that surrounds it, do I ruine everything that comes near? I feel my breath quickening and tears start to flood my face. I should hide, I should never be seen.
"What's on your mind?" His calm voice interrupts, he doesn't even look at me as I wipe away my tears.
I shrug and pull out tufts of grass like I did when I was bored, like I did when I was free, the smell reminds me of the time my dad told me that a fresh mowed lawn smells like that because the plants are screaming in pain. I stop pulling and wonder if that's really true.
"There must be something going on in that little office of yours." He says with a chuckle.
"It's not little, and certainly not an office." I say as the sun annoyingly prickles my eyes.
"Come on, fess up mopstick." He says as he sits up.
I sigh "It's not really anything, but I feel so strange about my life right now. I am losing my sense of certainty because I am finally free. I am beginning to realise that sometimes we are happier enslaved than if we need to fend for ourselves. Because if I am not admitted to any university I am back on the streets once more, and this time I will be alone, because adults don't make friends." I say as I sigh. "I am beginning to question if I fell in love with my own misery."
He shakes his head "Everyone is scared of change Xad. And you will always have me don't forget, and you will just try dear. Remember what you said that time on the shore.... You need to succeed for the generations following us."
I sigh and look at him, his eyes are opened all the way, like a normal human being, not half dead like mine. "I don't understand how you can be so optimistic darling. I wish I could be like you...."
"Of course the other option is just killing ourselves." He says with a chuckle. I laugh and look at Kuon's grave.
"It's pathetic how sorry we feel for ourselves, I mean.... Kuon is literally dead and we are being negative about possibilities the world might give us." I say with a cynical smile.
"He deserved better...." Thrjel whispers.
"Can I be honest for a second?" I ask quietly almost ashamed. He just nods and I take a deep breath. "I hate him for what you did, and I miss you like a mother misses a kid....."
The silence cuts through our normal effortlessness, I nod to myself and stare at the grave and the vile words on it. Not everything about Kuon was perfect, honestly most things were imperfect, but he was part of us, and he had parents, he had friends, he had a dream even if I didn't know what that was. Dreaming didn't matter to us, it was just foolish and naïve, but maybe Kuon and Thrjel are right and dreaming isn't a crime..... or maybe one day it won't be.
He sighs and hangs his head "I miss him too."

"Should we go to the other part of the garden? This isn't doing you good Xad." Thrjel says as he stands up and grabs my hand. I nod and follow suit.
The other part of the garden is full of wildflowers and dandelions (one of the words I despised the first time I had to say it in Awnlunds). The blouse reflects the field almost perfectly, but I cannot find foxglove anywhere. Perhaps it is because it's deadly, that would be a shame, if an insubordinate would poison some important headmaster. I smile, maybe that is why he chose that flower for me, it smells so sweet but it is a symbol of resistance, beauty, but so dangerous. I look at Thrjel as he walks up to a tree, he is the best part of the reality of being caged, he still hasn't given up his song..... He rips a branch of the tree and starts bending it.
"What are you doing you dimwit?" I ask with a slight laugh.
"I am making the base for a flower crown, bendy branches like these are perfect for that!" He says with a smile.
"A flower crown? What are you? A forest nymph?" I say with a smile.
He looks up and smirks "We both know you look more like a forest nymph than I do." I throw a small stone to him but he dodges it.
"Okay okay, I will indulge you, I'll be a faun." He says as he sticks two sticks in his hair like horn.
"You devil..." I chuckle and shake my head.
"But come on Xad, give flower crowns a chance, I promise you'll like it!"
I sigh again and walk up to him "Because you ask it so nicely prince flower crown, I would almost call you a pansy." I grumble as I grab the base he has made by braiding the branches like the perfect string of fate. I shake my head and start collecting flowers as he makes another base.
"Just grab as much as you think and then we will see if we have enough." He yells.

We sit down in the grass, the sun burning our shoulders kindly. We sort through the different species of flowers and put them all perfectly arranged I trace my hand over the differing ones and the musky smells overwhelm us in the most beautiful way I could imagine. I see how he smiles as he weaves the beauty though the branches. The colours seem to be illuminated by the sun, as if they are screaming that the world has hope, that we haven't killed everything yet, and that we never will. Because nature is stronger than our worst nightmare.
"Did you do this a lot when you were a kid?" I ask as I try to make mine at least a bit presentable. The white flowers I have chosen look innocent and peaceful, they don't need the screams of colour, they are okay with being as small as they are. No ambition, no judgement, just reality.
"Yeah, I spent most of my time in the gardens. I was schooled at home, my mum was wealthy enough for a tutor." He says with a smile. "I didn't really have friends so I learned ways to keep busy when my mum couldn't be there for me."
"Was that often." I ask.
He shakes his head "Well, there was a time but eventually she made more time for me. Because she had the freedom to you know."
I stay silent, because I do not know, even if my parents could they would have to work to keep feeding us once the Awnlunds came. I look at the green ground and wonder how much I know about Thrjel's childhood, or that it was so normal that I have already forgotten what he told me about it.
"What kind of things did you do when you were young?"
"Hmm.... Depends which age, We loved vandalism, we sung a lot, and danced. Ran and climbed, I guess we did a lot of physical activity to get ready to run from the police. But mostly we played this game with chicken bones you had to throw up and catch again. Oh and chess."
"That sounds strangely nice, but how did you get the chicken bones?" He asks.
"We would ask the butcher for scraps for both food and for that."
He shakes his head "I don't think I will ever truly get you."
I hold up my flower crown, it's completely white. "It's done." I say as I look at it, the seeds of the dandelions try to escape with the wind while the sun dances on them, almost setting them on fire.
"Me too." He says as he shows the colourful one he has perfected, the difference of the colours makes every one of them even more bright and even more unbelievable. He stares at me when he puts his flower crown on my head, a smile dawns on his face. He reaches behind me and unties my bun, he carefully folds my hair over my shoulders and studies with greater detail than he has studied for any of his subject this exam season. He looks back into my eyes "Do you even know how beautiful you are?" there is a slight break in his voice as he utters it and I feel my head falling to the side, trying to understand what he is saying. He shakes his head and I look down, I put my flower crown on his curly hair and the sun shines from the back, it illuminates the innocent white and transforms it into a halo. I stare at the wonder in front of me and wonder how he could call be beautiful..... I smile, he should pose for something in a cathedral.

Thrjel opens his cigarette case and hands me one before lighting it. The sun slowly is giving up on shining and I don't mind it. I stare at the forest while I breathe in the toxicity. I hear a click in front of me and look at him, he is holding a camera and I smile.
"What do you think you're doing mister?" I say with a smile.
"I want you to see what I see... You green eyes matching the foliage, your eyes ssad, almost dead, but hope still shines through. The burning ashes that falls on your hand and you don't even care to wipe it away. You black hair folded with the creases of your body, showing that having porcelain skin isn't impossible. I want you to see how tragically beautiful you are."
I feel a smile as I look down and my cheeks feel warm. I look at him and he is smiling even wider than I am.
"You're stupid." I say as I hit him and stand up.
He jumps up, "Am I really? Mopstick?" He hits me and starts to run. I shake my head and pursue him and breathe in the fresh air of superficial freedom.

We stop in front of Kuon's grave and both stare at it. It is a sore reminder that not everyone makes it out. We both sigh but it seems like we both try to do it as silently as possible. Thrjel kneels in front of the grave and puts down his flower crown, I take off my own and lay it beside him.
"He deserved better." Thrjel sighs.
"We all deserve better." I answer.
"We did our best." He says.
I nod "We did more than that."

I open the door to the cellar, the bucket full of water is heavy in my hands as I descend the few steps in front of the floor. Everything needs to be clean for the graduation, why they want the cellar clean is still a mystery to me, but I won't complain. The floor is dirty and reminds me of the dream I have tried to forget but somehow has taken on a form of a ghost that haunts my mind. I put the mop against the wall and crumple up the sleeves of my uniform. I take a deep breath and the musty smell mimics rotten flesh and reminds me of everything I don't want to know about myself. But strangely I have no feeling that pairs with my memories like normally happens, I breathe out and I pluck on the punctuation scars inside my elbow. I grab the mop once more and start my job, my hands hurt as I grab it too tightly in an effort to see the original colour of the ground again. I can't help but notice that my eyes hardly open, even though I am fully awake, my eyes cannot find the energy to look perky. I wonder if my mind really is awake, because somehow something seems to lack. Something I am not used to, I don't feel anger, or sadness, not even happiness. I just feel...... like I am right here and right now and nothing is special? What do I call this? Numbness? I shrug and scrub off the grime that the mop has not successfully removed. How can something get this dirty this quickly? I wonder what the cellars are really used for.

I walk through the cellar where they keep the food, we aren't exactly allowed to be here but we need to pass through it when the room with the heater needs to get cleaned. Only the eldest of the insubordinates is allowed to do that, I stare at the long racks full of food that is better than anything I have ever got here before. The cool cellar perfectly preserves the food for anyone but us. I put down the bucket and start walking through the narrow pathways of the racks, I admire the dried fruit, the dried meat, the vegetables, the sweetness of sugar, the kernels of grains. I look up as the pathway ends and turn around when I see a nectarine staring back at me, a fruit so beautiful that I can hardly remember what it tasted like. I pick it up and stare at it, one of the sides is the same purplish red that a fresh bruise presents, the other side is grey with mould and softness from hesitation to eat it. I sigh and bring it to my nose, it still smells sweet, it smells like home, it smells like better times, it smells like misery. But nothing like sadness. My teeth dig through the toughness of the skin and follow through the soft flesh as the juice dribbles down my arm. My eyes close, imagining this as something normal. The rotting smell drifts into my nose and reminds me of myself as a tear rolls down my cheek, meaningless, feelingless. I drop the rest of the fruit on the ground and walk back to the bucket while wiping my sticky mouth, irritating my skin as I wonder why I did that. But an answer will not be given.

I itch the inside of my elbow again as I look around, the hot furnace, the dust of the coals smells familiar. It smells like dad, I take a deep breath, I still feel anything, I want to miss him. I feel a tear in my eyes, why won't my body let me miss him. I walk towards the black beast, glowing with impossible heat. My face feels the warmth bouncing against it as I close my eyes. I take a deep breath and imagine the small heater we once had at home. How cold it would get in the last months of the year, in the last years I still had them. I open my eyes and look at the sighing machine, I lift my hand slowly caress the heat. As my palms land on the furnace the surface feels extremely cold for a second, before revealing its reality. My hands don't understand the pain as my lungs fill with the dirty oxygen. The hands force themselves into safety and my eyes fight against tears. Why does it hardly hurt?

"What happened to your hands?" Thrjel asks as I tie his tie.
I look up and him and smile. "I must've burned myself." I say as I adjust the uniform for one last time. I rake my hand through my hair and stare in the mirror, it seems I hate lost even more weight, my eyes look incredibly green with the pupils that refuse to dilate, I turn around and admire thrjel, I feel a warmth deep in my heart as a smile dawns on my face. He looks in the mirror, carefully placing his curls where he think they should be, his honey golden hair brushes his nape and I wonder if it ever irritates him. I try to forget that this is our last day, that I have no idea how I will survive after this, I have no money, no place, only the hope of going to a university. I stare at how beautiful the boy in front of me is, I wonder if I have any reason to believe it. Maybe this is the last day I will see him.... What if this is the last time I will see him? I walk up to him and hug him tightly I bury my face in his shoulder as he chuckles.
"What's going on with you?" he asks.
"I am so proud of you." I whisper.
He puts his arms around me and sighs "I.... thank you Xad." He puts his head on mine. We stand there for a while, if I could pause my life I would forever let it stay here. I wouldn't change anything about this, his warmth, his love, my desperation, my hope. If perfect exists it might as well be this.
He lets go and looks at me, I always notice that a second before he smiles his eyebrows raise slightly, it makes his face surprised, as if he doesn't quite understand happiness. I think about it when I notice that I always frown a bit while smiling.
"I hate to bother us." He says with a smile "But we can't be late to the graduation."
I look at the clock and try my best not to curse as we simultaneously start to run.

The great hall is filled with students and professors, all of them are sitting at the tables. Today will be the only decent meal we insubordinates will get in our time here. And then while we are eating names are called out to get their diploma's in the headmasters office. We sit down and I stare at the beautiful tableware in front of us, every piece of it ruined because of the coat of arms of our school.
"Someone should break the plate." Thrjel whispers with a smirk.
"I heard in some cultures it is good luck." I say quietly.
After a speech that would be an excellent torture method and a song that is sung much too often in this school (The national anthem of our oppressors) our food finally starts coming out. The colours are shiny, and brilliant, the ability of making something like this must be something magical. As I stare at my spoon hovering above it I am reminded of the slop we used to eat and wonder if the same chef has made this, and if this is normal for Thrjel. I look up at him and realise I might have asked too little questions in the years we have known each other, I have the urge to start asking them. But my sense of peace stops me. I put the spoon down and hum the national anthem of the country all these boys grew up in. I am not hungry.

My name is called out. And I start walking towards the headmasters office, the first time in my life that I am not absolutely terrified to go there. The first time that I have faith that this might be something positive for me. I open the door, for once the curtains are open, the headmaster is standing there, I cough to make my presence known. He turns around slightly and smiles, not even cruelly, it is as if he really feels happy for us that we have escaped him.
"Come up here Xad, I want you to see this."
I take a deep breath and follow his advice, what choice do I have? I walk up to the window, admiring the craft that I know so well, that I once would see as mine. I walk towards him and hesitantly stand next to him, he stares at the hills filled with forests and the distant city that you can hardly make out. I smile slightly.
"Beautiful isn't it?"
"I knew it was..." I say with a chuckle.
"You've given me hell the last year Xad. But I will admit that I admire your resilience. I don't think I have succeeded in making you an Awnlund, you are the first boy that has the pleasure... or displeasure to hear that."
I smile, I can't help but be proud. "Yes sir."
"Have you ever danced Xad?" He asks.
And I frown, but dutifully answer. "Of course sir...."
"I thought you would have, you are very elegant. My mother used to say that when somebody has the mind of an artist there is no way of tearing them down. You look like one of those dancers they show in banquets." He lights his pipe. I feel the blood slowly drain from my face as I look at him. I have the urge to ask him what he means but instead he hands me my diploma and I look at my grades, they are truly remarkable. I smile widely when I notice something is written on the certificate, I squint and read the line. 'This individual is not allowed to work any other jobs except the black collar ones. He must always be supervised by a fully Awnlundish boss.' I look up.
"What does it mean?" I ask, my eyes full with involuntary water.
"You could have done so much Xad. You could have really been someone, if you hadn't made that one mistake that got you into prison. I mean it, your dissertation was incredible, I will keep that one stored for my own grandson when he needs to get into a good Uni." He chuckles.
"I don't understand." I stammer.
"You are an insubordinate Xad. You cannot do anything else than work in the mines.... Who gave you that hope?" He asks with a smile,this time there is cruelty in there. He folds his hands into one another, Ilook at them, one his little finger he is wearing a dainty ring, the silverbeautifully formed into foxglove. I want to rip it off, I want to wear it, Iwant to kiss it
"Hope." I say quietly.
"Hope is a rotten thing Xadrian. You are Fianlynds, hope doesn't exist for you anymore." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "You could have done so much more young men..."
"I need to..." I stammer as I stare at the paper.
"Xadrian, you are smart, that doesn't make you a human....."