Years ago

I run over the bridges, my heavy iron armoured boots make too much noise on old stones of the roads. They drag themselves more than I wish they would be, they're great for kicking but not that great for running I realise now. I feel my dry bloodied lip curl up in determination as I run towards the bridge. The water under it is just as black as the smoke filled night sky that no longer presents stars. The evidence in my bag feels heavy as I slip under the crossing gates in front of the moveable bridge. I duck as the officer tries to grab me and I keep running towards the hight point of the bridge as it slowly become higher and higher, and with that steeper. My own voice echoes in my head, don't stop, don't stop. As long as you don't stop you won't fall back down right into their laps. As the crevice between its two sides slowly becomes bigger I realise I won't make the jump towards the other side. As long as the bag disappears my friends will be fine. I take the bag off my shoulder and jump.

As I fall the wind combs through my hair and I forgot how high it is. I feel a tear in my eye as I understand that I am going to die. I still hear the Officers screaming orders at each other wile I am still falling. Then my breath is knocked out of my lungs. I land on the hard imagined top of the water and gasp in pain. I close my eyes as I sink into the water. I once knew how to swim but if I want to remember is a different question. I breathe out and wait for the hug of death. I was meant to die when I was born.

But instead I feel a hand grabbing the back of my head and yanking it our of the water. I gasp as they pull my hair and I throw my arms frantically around me in absolute panic.
"Xadrian Alyx Wyn, I hereby arrest you." The officer says as he drags me to the side of the river.
"What for!" I scream as if I don't know and I spit in his face.
"Insubordination." He says and punches me in my stomach.

I gasp as I sit up in my bed. I rub my eyes, I can't stop dreaming about that night a year ago, every time I close my eyes it appears. The months in prison awaiting my trial, I shake my head. I was just 15 how could they have put me in such a prison? I shiver and try to forget it. I comb my hand through my long black hair and quietly step out of the triple bunk bed of the insubordinates. I sigh and put on my boots. They stand out under the white linen night shirt that was issued with my uniform.

I look back, twelve boys are housed in the loft where normally only one boy would have their room. At nights this place gets too cold, it's the only place in the school where there's no heating. Reintegration boarding school they call it, I call it false hope. We won't get the same rooms that those boys with parents that pay for them will have. No, if we are lucky we can start early in the mines so we can fund our education. But otherwise we will always be insubordinates on top of being....the wrong sort of people. I'm only here because they didn't have any evidence that I sabotaged that train, but it will always be something I am proud of. I wonder why they can't see that we are just as bright, as cultural, just as.... Human as they are. But no, we are lesser humans. We are Fíalynds, and as soon as your nationality is that you are not as good as the Awnlunds and it is alright to treat you like less than a horse.

I walk through the cold and beautiful halls of the school and kneel at the locker of one of the teachers, I pick the lock and open it to reveal a packet of cigarettes, matches and a bar of chocolate. I smile and grab everything. I climb the stairs and pull out the ladder to the roof. I open up the hatch and fresh air overwhelms my lungs. I chuckle as I climb unto the roof and walk to the edge. I feel a numb tear on my face and take a small bite of the chocolate. I light a cigarette and breathe out and look down, the high building feels strange, you never realise how high this is.

"Stargazing are we?" I hear while I try to take the last step.
"Not really." I say as I look forward. He sits down next to me.
"Mind sharing a cigarette." He asks as he looks at me.
I frown, he has blonde hair and blue eyes. I tilt my head. I hand him my used cigarette, expecting him to throw it away, as every sane Awnlund would do. But he just takes a puff. I frown and shake my head.
"Someone like you won't convince me." I say as I look down.
"Someone like me? And convince you of what?" He asks as he looks at me. His broad shoulders mimicking the officers that flood our streets.
"How fucking dense are you? Someone like An Awnlund, and not to kill myself you daft prick."
"I'm only half Awnlund, otherwise I wouldn't be allowed in a school like this. So who's daft now." He says with a smile. I try to sputter some smart thing but he only smiles. "Besides if I would like to stop you from jumping I would just tackle you and carry you back down. You have a small enough frame."
My back straightens and one of the corners from my lips curls in annoyance. "Well, you act like one."
"Why do you want to die?" He asks, taking a bite of the chocolate.
"They're going to kill me anyway, I would like to die on my own accord." I say as I shuffle closer to the edge.
"Yeah, I won't allow that. You're too annoying." He says, stands up and grabs the back of my nightshirt.
I throw away the cigarette and move my elbow into his ribs with a good amount of force. He gasps and falls back, I tackle him and turn his arm onto his back as I kick him to the ground.
"Don't underestimate a small frame." I say as I take a bite of the chocolate that I lifted from his hand.

He turns around, still lying on the roof and pants: "Dude, that was incredible." He says with a bright smile.
I feel myself frown when I see the way he looks at me. I tilt my head and scrunch my nose as I try to understand his attitude.
"Sorry, I didn't properly introduce myself. I am Thrjel Odhran Sion, you can call me anything you want." He says as he stand up. "Normally you would say your name now." He says as he smiles. He face stupidly beautiful and missing al the features that they tell us make our people ugly. And I, I am exactly those features.
"Xad." I say reserved.
"Xad, that's a really interesting name. I love it." He says with a smile and wraps his arm around me. "I think I am going to like you Xad." He says with a smile and I can't do anything but shake my head.
"You really came here to mess up the drama of my death didn't you?"
He smiles sheepishly.

We walk through the cold halls, he walks to the normal dormitories but I stop walking and go to the left.
"Xad, I don't know how tired you are but that is the dorm for the insubordinates." He says with a smile.
"Yes, I know that." I says. "I belong there." I say, my accent even more protruding then normal. The harsh noises reflecting my anger beginning to return.
"Oh, well, I'm sorry. Goodnight." He says, still that damned kind smile.

The next morning I am sitting in the maths class. The first class of the day, I skipped breakfast, it's not good anyway. The strange stew with the mystery or only the scraps of the people who ate before us. I have no wish to be a dog and so I won't eat it either, till they finally realise we are humans too.
The white shirt scratches my neck with its strange mix of cotton and linen and wonder if that is to keep the costs down, I am quite certain the blouses of the others are only linen. The stiff fabric is pushed to my throat with the red cravat that I have mastered to tie perfectly after twelve attempts each morning, I wonder if the cravat really should remind me of a collar. I frown and try to figure out the extra maths problem the professor gave me last time. I tilt my head, why would they give me such an easy one? I want to bow further over my book but the corsetry on the back of the titan white waistcoat makes it both uncomfortable and impossible. I sigh and flex my hands with an annoyed smile, wiping the sweat accumulating on my hands on the dark blue wool trousers that should be nicknamed fire ant pants. I take off the blue matching jacket, I throw my pen down in frustration and sigh again. I will run out of oxygen if I go on like this

"Ugh, Maths, am I right?" A voice says while they sit down at the table next to me.
I shrug and tie my hair in a low bun as I look at my book.
"You have quite beautiful hair Xad."
I look at him and see it's Thrjel. I roll my eyes and sigh. His uniform looks untidy and dishevelled, his hair in comparison looks like a prize winning dog.
"Thank you, yours looks like a poodle with an extensive morning routine." I say, not able to keep my thoughts inside my mind.
He laughs, a bright laugh, as if he isn't worrying about anything. The laugh that closes his eyes and makes his chest shake. The laugh I would have despised if I would have heard it somewhere else. But today it seems strangely good to hear it.
"Now pay attention or you will be daft forever." I say as I point at the professor.

Throughout the lesson he keeps commenting on the lesson to me. I just mindlessly agree with everything to get rid of him but he seems really hell-bent on being annoying. I just try to wear my customary frown all the time and use my hand as a barrier. But he really doesn't give up, I must admire his determination.

We are in the language class we need to learn Awlunsh the best we can. The target is to get rid of our language as a whole because none of the Awnlunds understand it and they deem it too dangerous to exist. But sometimes I think it's a way to scare us too, or to root out rebellion before it exists. I stare at the blackboard and wonder how I spell Brilliant, is it with two L's or not? I can't hear it. I sigh and shake my head.
"Uíxse," I sigh through my teeth, reverting to my mother tongue. Thjrel looks at me with a surprised expression, as if he thinks he misunderstood me. "I wasn't talking to you dimwit." I say.
He frowns and looks back to his book.

This goes on for a few days. He follows me around like a lost puppy, or a duck who has imprinted on somebody who coincidentally will never ever be his mother. I try to get rid of him in many ways, ignoring, being mean, being overly nice, but nothing works. He just looks at me like a golden retriever and I have the urge to just rip our his eyes with my bare hands. He seems so different from me and I do not understand what he wants from me but he looks at me like I am a possible obsession. As if he doesn't understand me. And I need to fight the urge to spit in his face half the day and honestly it makes this exhausting existence perhaps even more draining.

About two weeks have passed since I first actively met him when we are sitting in Language class again. I feel anger as I try to write this damned language but nothing goes my way, the letters just do not cooperate.
"Xadrian." The professor says as she points to a word on the blackboard and I sigh.
"My name is Xad." I say shortly while standing up as we are supposed to.
"Xad will you please read the word on the blackboard and explain it's meaning."
I look at the blackboard. "Interruption." I says but I'm interrupted by the professor before I can explain the meaning.
"Try to speak less in the front of your mouth, your t's are too sharp and your r too true."
"And that is the perfect demonstration of an interruption." I say with a smile.
She walks up to me and hits the desk with her ruler. I immediately look down and dig my nails into my palms.
"Say it again Xad, now correctly."
I bite my lip, don't talk back now Xad. And with the hardest t's and true r's I have ever spoken I say it again. "Interruption."
She hits my hands.
"Again!"
"Interruption." I say, louder now. But still the same flaws.
"Again! How come you are a genius in every single subject but can't say a simple sentence or word without sounding like a second class citizen, like the degenerate you are."
"Interruption." I yell looking up at her.
"Wrong again." She says as she hits me on my stomach.
I feel the anger seeping through the cracks and as she keeps hitting me I grab the ruler and break it.
"Thy mia e' faireuchdinm mur fhìér-ghij anns a' chànen agaism! Mo thruaighe, thy thej nuid jeze gòréch guimn ghliocas agus biu chòjr dhuts falbh leath fhèijnm." I scream in my own language. (Which means: I sound like a genius in my language! Alas, you are a stupid hedgehog without wisdom and you should go fuck yourself.)
She looks at me her face red with fright and anger.
"What did you just say?"
"Mie chcjełbyz wjudziuć? Egas gi h-ovann nì mní fuein mer ghjn ann ad ceimnts. Lais neich ail thy a 'taigsinm avn fhecul." (Which means: Wouldn't you like to know? and suddenly I do sound like a genius in your language. Because you don't understand a single word.)
She turns to the rest of the class. "What did he say?" She demands as she looks at everyone, her face still red and my face still arrogant.
Nobody answers, and I feel a strange pride swelling in my chest.
Thjrel stands up and I feel new curse words salivating on my tongue. "He said he doesn't understand you when you talk like that miss." He says with a disarming smile.
I look at him and frown.
She looks at me suspiciously but walks away. "Very well then." She says as she continues the class.

I quickly assemble my books and walk out of the class rather quickly. The anger is still burning in my throat and I feel tears well up in my eyes.

"Xad wait up!" I hear a loud voice say.
I turn around. "NO! I don't owe you shite, I did not ask you to rescue me out of that situation, I could have handled it quite well on my own thank you very much!" I yell. "I don't need help! I am not helpless! I am not the fragile person you are imagining...."
He smiles "You don't owe me anything, I just wondered if you'd like to help me study in my room today?"
I am taken aback by the question. I shake my head and relax my shoulders before chuckling.
"Listen Thrjel, I don't know if you're really this dumb but I will pretend you are. I don't need a friend. I am not likeable and that is okay. I don't need sympathy, so just choose someone else." I say turning around, hoping to ignore him for the rest of my existence.
"No." He says with the same chuckle.
"What" I say turning around.
"I like you, I chose you." He says, his face mimicking a puppy.
"You don't understand Thrjel, you can just get rid of me. I won't be mad or something. I don't need charity." I say my face strangely kind.
"No. I chose you and now you have to deal with me for the rest of your life. Besides if you do not help me how will I ever stop being dumb?"
I look at him, dumbfounded by his answer and feel myself bursting into laughter. I haven't laughed like that in a while. He is a dimwit, but a rather adorable one. I feel flattered in a strange way, but also touched by his resilience.

When I am finally done laughing I look up. "You know, one friend, how much harm could it possibly do?" I say.
"great!" He says, wrapping his giant arm around my small shoulders. "Let's go to my dorm, we can concentrate there."

We walk into a room, it's cozy and there's an ungodly amount of stuffed toys on his bed. I can't help but smile. He grabs some books and two glasses of milk and a plate of biscuits. I frown and wonder where he got that food.
"My mum sends them to me every month." He says with a smile.
"You get to keep your mail?" I ask.
He nods excitedly but his smile disappears when he pieces together what that means.
"I don't get mail either way." I say with a smile. "Me mum wouldn't be able to bake cookies with bony fingers like her." I say with a chuckle while I take a bite, hiding how hungry I was and how sweet the sugar tastes as it melts on my tongue.
"So what did you actually say to the teacher?' he asks while he tilts his head.
I look up. "You don't speak Fíalys?" I ask while frowning and licking my fingers.
He shakes his head. "It's a long story." He says with a smile.
"I have time." I say as I sit down cross-legged, like I am used to. He sits down in a chair.
"My mum is from Awnlund, my dad was from somewhere here. My dad ran off when I was young, or he died, we are not really certain. My mum is treated like an Awnlund but as long as I do not live in Awnlund I am not seen as one. So I'm neither really. I don't know your culture..."
I smile, "It's a beautiful culture. Or at least it was before they destroyed most of it."
"Maybe you could teach me a little." He says with a smile.
"I don't see why not." I say as I look in his notebooks for maths and try not to chuckle about his doodles.
"I really like your hair." He says out of the blue. As he sits down next to me. He touches it softly.
"Your poodle isn't so bad either." I say with a chuckle and he laughs, that same annoying beautiful laugh. It's laugh that would be hard to forget.

In hindsight it's a good thing that Frjel did not give up when I wanted him to. It's so much fun to have someone who truly and honestly cares about you. And to be honest, it also feels nice to care about someone again. I forgot what the feeling of responsibility was like when I decided to stop caring about humans if it did not involve me.
Okay, that's actually very hypocritical of me, I did care about people. I cared about the freedom, the politics, etc. I think what I did stop caring about was friends and family, family because I have none as of now. And friends, because I simply found out how much caring about them might hurt you. So can you blame me for not wanting to have a friend again?

But I really enjoy having a friend, that sounds so childish. I shake the thought from my head and focus on the gasmask I need to repair for a project. I look at the filter and can't help but wonder why they wouldn't put another ventilator in there to remove the harmful stuff inside the filters. I chuckle and put on safety glasses and gloves as I grab the chemical to harden the metal. I slowly brush it onto the metal when Thrjel enter the room, yelling something I cannot understand. I try my best not to be startled.

"Xad! Only six weeks till the summer holidays!" He says as he punches my shoulder.
I sigh and shake my head as I try to focus on repairing and making the technology inside the mask better. He climbs on the table.
"You know that if you know knock down two specific bottles here you could very well cause an explosion, blowing up right in my gorgeous face." I say while take off the safety glasses.
"We wouldn't want that would we." He says while gently hitting my head as he jumps off the table and I prevent one of the bottles from toppling over.
I put down the gasmask and rest my head on the table as I sigh. I feel a sting in my eye and try to smile through it.
"I can't wait to go back home. The manor is beautiful, although it should probably be restored. But honestly it's great, it's in the middle of the woods and very isolated. I love the tranquillity."
I scoff. "I'm happy you're happy Thrjel." I say with a smile. I think I do mean that smile, but it must look bitter. It must look sad. I just hope he's as oblivious as he normally is.
"Are you alright?" He asks.
I chuckle and smile, how obvious did it have to be if he even sees it. Or maybe he only pretends to be oblivious so I don't have to tell him anything till I am ready. I look at him and smile.
"I really am happy you are looking forward to it." I say with a smile.
He tilts his head. "Don't you want to go home?" He asks. His eyes stupidly innocent, how naïve does he have to be?
I sigh and put my hand on his shoulder. "You're really a dimwit aren't you darling?" I say with a chuckle. He looks at me, still not catching on. I sigh and shake my head "Firstly, my mum's dead, my father is in prison. I do not have family or a home. Besides the insubordinates are not allowed to go home, we need to go to the mines." I say with a sigh as I swerve away on the chair and look at something through a microscope.
"Why?" He asks as I hear his footsteps coming closer.
"We need to earn our keep, and if not, it's our punishment." I say as I stand up and walk to the cupboard with materials. Hoping that he won't get too close if I keep moving.
"What are the mines like?" He asks as he follows me again.
I drop a screwdriver on the floor and swiftly pick it up, it shoots into my back and I wheeze. My body hates me. "Does your mother bake just as much cookies when you're at home?" I ask with a smile as I start to clean up the mess I've made.

He smiles sheepishly and starts telling me about all kinds of biscuits, cakes, and cookies. Some with spices I have hardly heard of and I start to wonder why in the flying fuck his mother would have ever married a Fialynd. We begin to walk to his dorm. I can't help but smile as I listen to him talk about it like it's the most important thing in the world and I wish it really was the only thing I had to worry about, the different kinds of cookies. By the time we are at his dorm he is entranced by cookies. I'm pretty sure he would sell his soul for them (But then again, who wouldn't?). He talks about it so vividly I can almost smell them baking in the oven of the luxurious home he must have. I look at him with an affectionate smile, I tilt my head so he can easily look into my eyes while he's standing and I am sitting on his bed. The setting sun shines into the room illuminating it with it's orange light and I stare at his blonde hair, sometimes it looks remotely ginger, this is one of those times.
"But everyone knows that oats do not belong in cookies!" He says as he stares at me.
I chuckle and immediately say "Of course! That is preposterous." While trying to hide that I hadn't eaten cookies for the most of my life.
He wants to continue his rant when he looks at me.
"This isn't interesting to you is it Xad?" he asks, his puppy eyes getting a bit more dim.
I smile "It's fascinating."
He plops down on the bed. "You're just saying that, you love sciency and smart stuff and here I am giving a lecture about cookies. You must deem me extremely daft." He says with a sigh.
"I would love everything you love. The way you put your heart and soul into it would be enough to brighten any day." I say as I look down and sigh quietly. I hesitantly put my head on his shoulder. "I would never call you dumb, you dimwit." I say softly.

Only three weeks to go. My hands tremble as I write my calculations on the blackboard, I look at it with a tilted head. The professor is grading papers while I am solving this.
"Xad tell me, what would you like to study in a year?" He asks, not looking up from the paper.
Prof. Cormac is the only professor who makes me feel like he really cares about my intellect rather than using it to his advantage. Coincidentally it's also the only one who grew up here and understands our language, he doesn't speak it but he does understand.
"I..." I look down, I have never thought about that. I never deemed it a possibility. "Either Engineering, or Law Professor."
He looks up from his paper. "Why law?" He asks as he takes off his glasses and starts polishing them.
I put the answer on the blackboard and stare at it.
"I have seen how much damage it can do, and how much it can solve. I wish to.... Be able to use that power. Harness it for people I understand, people who deserve it, people who I love." I say.
He sighs and nods. "Everyone in the world craves power."
"Not everyone abuses it though." I say as I frown and put down the chalk. "If we are talking impossibilities why stop at the stars when you can reach for the sun?" I say with a smile.
"Because a sun burns you, Son." He says as he puts a hand on my shoulder. "Don't be Icarian, be careful Xad." He says as he cleans the blackboard.
I grab my bag and want to leave the classroom because I know Thrjel is waiting for me. But the professor grabs my wrist.
"I mean it Xad, Keep your head down."
I look at him and smile nonchalantly, not certain what he means by this. "As always." I turn around and walk away.

Thrjel isn't standing in the hallway, which is very strange. I frown, he never keeps me waiting. That's one thing I could work on, I should be more punctual. But normally he is here at the exact time I am done.
After a few minutes of waiting I decide that I will just wait for him in the dorms. But as I turn around I hear his voice.
"Xad, Wait up!" He screams.
I turn around and smile, he didn't forget. How could he forget. He's running towards me with an excited smile and in his hand there's a letter.
"You're awfully cheery. And awfully late." I say as I chuckle.
He stops running "I have great news!" He says, through the panting. He gives me the letter he is carrying.
"What is this?" I ask.
He smiles mischievously and he points to the letter. "Open it."
I sigh and look at it. There's a stamp from our school on it. My eyes widen and I open it immediately.
"Come on, read it aloud." He says excitedly.
I chuckle "Have you forgotten how to read you dimwit?" I say with a smirk while opening it.
"Very funny." He says as he looks excitedly at me, even my insults cannot ruin his mood.
"Dear Xad Elyx Wyn, there have been several people who vouch for your academic progress, prowess, and good behaviour. That is why we are glad to inform you that you are on behalf of good behaviour you've been pardoned from this year's summer in the mines." I look at him in disbelief. My heart is full of happiness but I feel a strange knot in my stomach. "What...how??" I ask as a smile dawns on my face.
He shrugs and smiles. "I talk about you a lot in my letters. My mum might have pulled a few strings, she really want to meet you."
I stare at him, still in disbelief.
"That is if you want to join us..." He says as he looks at the ground.
I hug him. "Oh you dimwit I could fucking kiss you! Of course I need to meet the legendary baker and best living mum in the world!" I say with a smile, I feel a tear in my eye.
He hugs me back, I hope he won't crush my ribcage, that's how tight his bear hugs are.
"I just couldn't imagine you in those mines." He says, "You with your chronic back pain from simply carrying a bag is enough."
I chuckle and forget to mention that that chronic back pain was caused by my work in the mines when still imprisoned. I smile, I'm going home this summer, or at least a home.

"And, how hard were the calculations this time?" He asks.
"Easier than expected, harder than imagined." I say with a smile.
He nods. "That's great, as it should be right."
We walk to the dorms in comfortable silence and I notice him looking at me.
I look at him. "What?" I ask with a smile.
"Nothing...." He says as he quickly looks away. "Did you....did..." He stops and I frown. He never swallows his words.
"What is it Thrjel..." I ask, concerned.
He smiles and shakes his head. "Nothing." He says and he grabs a book out of my bag and starts running. I sigh and shake my head as I start my pursuit.