The next morning I wake up early. I wash my hair, delighted to have my own shower where I do not have to time how long I take. A shower where there is possibility of hot water. I leave my hair down to dry and shave, the mirror looks clearer than the ones I am used to. But I wonder if I like it, you can see the slight difference between the width of my pupils, the flaw I had forgotten a long time ago. I carefully shave and put on a robe to look if I fit in any of the clothes in the closet.
The short answer is no. So I opt to wear the trousers of my uniform with a poet blouse that is too big for me. But I do find some that I would like to wear if they fit a little bit better. I especially like the turquoise waistcoat with gold lining and details. It reminds me of things my father used to wear, although they used to be leather instead of silk and cotton. I grab some of them and walk out of the room, I descend the stairs. I find his mum in the kitchen reading the morning paper.

"Good morning ma'am." I say
"You're up rather early." She says as she looks up and takes off her reading glasses.
"I am used to it, we normally clean the school." I say with a smile. "I have a question, am I allowed to make some changes to these clothes. I do not fit them at all. And I would like some options if you would allow me to do so."
She smiles "Of course you may."
"Another question, do you happen to have a sewing machine?" I ask with a smile as I grab my own sewing kit.
"Of course."

And so we are sitting across the table, she is reading while I am sewing. I make the adjustments carefully and swiftly. The way my mother taught me, just like she taught me lacemaking. I look at the sleeves on my poet shirt and get an idea. When I am finally done with the trousers, jackets, and waistcoats, I grab the three blouses I chose and grab my old lacemaking tools. I close my eyes and remember the patterns my mother taught me and I wind the white thread around the spindle. I see the patterns of my childhood forming quickly as my hands remember the flowers I used to make instinctively.
"Wow." Thrjel's voice startles me. His hand rests on my shoulder. "How'd you do that?"
"It's lacemaking, it's not hard, my mother taught me it's part of our culture here. I could teach you the basics once I am done with this one."
Thrjel sits down next to me and sighs. "What is the most beautiful part about Fianlynd's culture Xad?"
I shrug and frown, "It's hard to choose one thing."
"But if you had to?" He asks as he puts his head on the table. He's still wearing his pyjama and his hair is fluffy from his sleep.
"I adore that it is like weeds. Our culture will sprout everywhere, we will survive in hard conditions, and we will come back stronger if you rip us out. It's......the resilience of our culture that I admire most." I say with a short smile.
He looks at me and I see a longing for belonging in his eyes. As if he wished he had been taught more about half of his culture in his life. I tie the last edge of the lace and attach it to the sleeve of the blouse.

"Boys?" Sostrate asks
I immediately stand up, he just lifts his head in disinterest.
"Would you please go outside and pick some blueberries for the pancakes? I will make the batter meanwhile." She says with a smile.
"Yes Ma'am" I say.
"We just got up Mum!" He says as he puts his head on the table again.
I ruffle his hair "Correction, you just got up." I say with a chuckle.

We walk through the garden and start picking the blueberries. I remember doing this with my mum when I was younger, it wasn't in our garden though, it was in the forest not too far from our house. I smile and remember the good times I used to have with my sister, when the world ignored us for a moment. Our lives were beautiful, really, I would not have wished for anything else. But that was only if we were lucky enough to be invisible for a time.
"Xad, come here." Thrjel whispers. I walk up to him, he drags me down and points to a bush when I suddenly I can see it. A fox, I feel a tear in my eye as I look at Thrjel. "Your favourite." He whispers and he stares at it.
"It's beautiful." I whisper and the shy animal scurries away. We stand up and pick more berries, Thrjel snacks on some.
"What fertilizer do you use?" I ask as I snicker.
He shrugs and smiles. I look over the beautiful garden and the forest that surrounds it, the oasis of peace is something you would read about in the old folk tales my mum would know by heart. And my cynical heart tried to forget, but hopelessly I have clung unto them.
"Thrjel?"
"Yes?"
"I...I don't know how to say how grateful I am. I feel like I have been running for the past years and you have made a place where I can finally catch my breath. You have no idea how compassionate you are."
He wraps his arm around me. "You underestimate my ego Xad." He chuckles.
I tilt my head and smile my unassuming smile. He looks at the sky and sighs. He looks at me and smiles brightly.
"So Xad, why is the fox your favourite animal?"
I bite my lip and frown. "I never thought about it, I... I think because I used to see them a lot when I was young. Till the industrialisation began of course. And maybe the fact that people are frightened of them, while there is nothing to be afraid of. It might kill a chicken, but it's probably more frightened of you."
"I never saw their appeal." He says as he looks at me and back at the forest. "But in hindsight, they think more than any other animal. Under that reserved hesitation there is probably an animal that's easy to love." He goes on, he wants to put his hand on my shoulder but I look back a the house and see his mum cooking.
"We should probably give your mum the berries." I say as I turn around, avoiding his hand. "Whoever is the last is a raw pancake." I yell while I begin to run.
"Unfair!" He screams.

His mother makes heavenly pancakes! They're soft, delicate, and not too sweet. The berries give the right tartness to it. I can understand why Thrjel is such a fan of his mothers cooking, I forgot what a homecooked breakfast that didn't contain slop could look like. I finish my stack of pancakes when I see that both Thrjel and his mum are staring at me. I look at them when I notice they did not finish one pancake yet. I look at them, suddenly embarrassed, but then his mother starts to laugh.
"You must've been awfully hungry." She says with the same cheerful expression as her son as she lovingly puts her hand on my cheek. My lip trembles and I remember the same hand of my mother, I put my own hand on her and feel a tear dripping down as I close my eyes.
"Oh my boy..." She says as she stands up and hugs me. Thrjel immediately follows her lead, their embrace is warm, foreign, and familiar. I feel embarrassed as I am crying about something as small as this but I am home, there is a place for me here. In the heart of these people, there is place for me in this world. And I don't need to fight for it, I don't need to scream for it, I don't need to be smart for it, I just need to accept it. I just need to feel it.

"Mum always told me crying is good for you." Thrjel says as he finishes his stack of pancakes.
"Are you sure you don't want more?" She asks me with a smile. "I still have batter."
"No thank you, I've had more than enough."
"Why don't you guys go play catch in the wildflower field on the east side of the house? My parents used to say that it's the best way to express feelings you don't understand, running that is." She says as she smiles.
"Great idea mum!" Thrjel says.
I stand up.
"Oh dear don't run in your uniform, it'll get dirty, and you seem to have made an effort to keep it pristine." She says as she looks at my uniform. "Besides I'd love to judge your sewing skills." She says with a smirk.

I swiftly put on the clothes I have changed, the embroidery and lacework is effective and beautiful. I look at myself and wonder how I've seen myself as less than human for such a long time, how it's possible that I do not recognise myself in the clothing not unlike the things I used to wear when I was a child. How have I changed so easily? How have the people I hate moulded me into the reality they see. They have trained me to be a second class citizen, so much so that I no longer recognise myself. I feel the anger welling up as my lips curl, I try my best to mould them in a smile instead. I take a deep breath and look down and back up at myself, happy with the real human staring back at me, his determined face showing the Fianlynds pride he has always deserved to have. I push my shoulders back and walk out of the room.

"It looks beautiful, how'd you learn how to sew?" His mum says as she inspects the new version of her sons old clothing.
"My mum taught me Ma'am. My mum taught me a great deal." I say with a smile.
"As mums are supposed to." Thrjel says as he closes the lid of a pickling jar full of strawberries with a smile. "Mum has taught me to play the fiddle." He says as he looks at me. "But nothing as useful as sewing."
I chuckle "She taught you how to hunt you dimwit." I say as we walk towards the porch.

The field of wildflowers come close to the beauty of my childhood but it doesn't exactly capture it. There's still a hint of dry yellow grass being hidden my the nourished flowers. I run my hand through the itchy flowers and the overwhelmingly sweet scent releases slowly and attacks my senses, which causes my eyes to start watering. Thrjel looks at me.
"Mum did teach me how to recognise the flowers, not the ones I can eat though." He says as he puts his hands in the pockets.
I look at him and tilt my head. "Can you tell me what kind of flowers these are?" I ask with a smile.
He nods and smiles, I know he likes the fact he might know more about this than I do. "Those pink ones are rose vervain, I like their colour. That's yarrow, you see them a lot at the edge of water, you can make little whistles with them. Those beautiful blue ones are one of my favourite, baby blue eyes.... Beautiful name isn't it? There must be perfection in there if they name it after babies eyes..." He says with a sigh.
"And those whitish poppies? Not painted by blood yet?" I ask with a chuckle.
He tilts his head. "Just a lucky corn poppy I suppose." He says as he kneels.
I sit down and stare at it. "If I were a wildflower, what would I be?"
"Foxglove." He says without skipping a beat.
I look at him, I am quite surprised how easy he answered. "Aren't those poisonous?" I ask with a chuckle.
"And very beautiful and resilient." He says without looking up but I can see the blush of embarrassment.
"You would be honeysuckle... just as stupidly sweet." I say with a smile as I stand up and dust off my clothes. "And edible, you dimwit." I say as I turn around. I feel myself fall on the ground slowly before I realise he tackled me.
"TAG, YOU'RE IT" He screams as he starts to run.
I shake my head, stand up, crack my back. "JUST YOU WAIT YOU DAMN EDIBLE HONEYSUCKLE!" I yell as I start to run.

The amounts of times tackling is involved when we are playing catch might not be healthy, or the fact that we somehow do not destroy the field of flowers as we scuffle and romp through the garden. His mum is knitting in her rocking chair on the porch. I wonder if I might have hay fever as I cannot avoid the sneezing half the time.

"Boys, dinnertime." His mum calls out. We turn to her, both fixing our clothing and hair. She is carrying a basket and a blanket and I tilt my head.
"OHHH picnic dinner!" He says with a smile as he runs to his mum and puts his arm in hers.
I stay behind them for a short moment and look at the son and mum talking lively and lovingly. I sigh and can't help but feel the happiness swelling my in my heart. I follow them, they pass the flower garden, the fruits, the small pond, the orchard, and finally arrive at a clearing with an incredible oak in the middle. It's branches protecting the shadows surrounding it and reaching high into the sky. On one side there's a swing attached to one of the thickest branches.
Thrjel and his mum put the blanket on the ground and sit down. I still look at the oak and the birds that call it home, I tilt my head as I wonder how many organisms could call it home.
"Come sit down." Thrjel says as he hands me my plate. I take it but still cannot stop looking around me. I cannot focus as I stare at the swing, I remember making them myself for my sister. I always needed to push her, my dad didn't have time to play with me anymore. Is this oasis unfair, or a rescue?

Thrjel lights a cigarette and sits down on the swing, the contrast between the innocence of the swing and the cigarette makes me sick to my stomach and I can't help but shake my head.
"I'm cold Thrjel, I am going to the house." I say as I stand up.
"It's sweltering Xad...." He looks up and drops the cigarette. "Use a better lie next time." He puts his arm around me and puts his head on my shoulder.
"Well, I didn't know a dimwit would deduce the difference." I say as I turn around.
"Come here." He says as he stands up. I sit down on the swing "Hold on tight."
He pushes me, I remember the fresh air of my childhood, the burning smoke still left of the cigarette reminds me of the first time I could smell the change of our country. But the way my hair sways feels more like the times I was innocent and didn't understand anything yet. That would be better wouldn't it? I feel a smile dawning on my face.

"It's fun isn't it?" he says as he sits down on the swing next to me, we fit, barely, but we still fit. The first time when I am grateful to be this thin. I nod and stare at the sunset, the colours blend beautifully through the trees of the woods. I look at my rough hands and trace the folds of my skin as I start to hum a tune.
"What song is that Xad?" his mum asks as she turns around slowly.
"A song about the snowdrops in winter. I don't know if it is true, but the story used to be beautiful." I say with a smile.
"What story?" he asks
"Well, a mother tells her son that needs to leave for war that he will be back once the flowers bloom. But a few months later the winter starts and he is wounded, frightened that he won't see his mother again he prays to the goddess of spring. And the snowdrops bloom as he is allowed to go back to his country and his mum." I say as I rip some grass out of the ground and inspect it.
"Even if it's not true it's beautiful Xad." Thrjel says as he stares at the sun.
I throw the grass away. "I really do not know.... It seems foolish to think he was allowed to return."
"I don't think it's about that Xad." His mum says as she stands up and puts her hand on my back. "Why don't you sing it for us?" she asks.
I shake my head "I cannot sing very well, not in the way it is meant to be sung."
"Don't lie!" Thrjel says as he smiles and almost pushes me off the swing.
"Alright alright...." I shake my head and close my eyes as I start to sing the echo of my childhood, the memories, the hope of my people. The song echoes through the woods and I feel like an Orpheus as Thrjel admired my voice and language. The way he embraces my culture and me with his gaze, fully, honestly, lovingly, movingly.
The quiet lingers on the wind as the song comes to an end and my hair dances on the same beat. Some of the leaves are ripped of by the gentle wind and freely float down to out humble heights. My throat is dry as I forgot how to swallow. My lip trembles as I try to avoid it by looking up at the tree and smiling to myself, but a smile in comparison to my frown is still a frown.
His mum walks up to us, a camera in her hand. The camera's have changed since I was a kid they're not that big anymore, they're still big but not hard to carry. I don't remember the last time I was photographed. I frown, I do remember. When I was arrested I was photographed. Ut the photo before that must be the one of my tenth birthday. The last time my dad was at my birthday, the time mum scoured the whole city for enough chocolate to make the birthday cake of my dreams. I smile, I still have that picture, the only way I can remember what my family looked like.
"Smile my boys." She says as she aims the camera at us.
Thrjel puts his around me and smiles his sunny smile I can't do anything but look at him with a smile of admiration and envy, wishing my smile could be sunny too. But for now, this smile is good enough.

I cannot stop staring at the old picture, my eyes hurt from the lack of sleep and my body is sore from thinking. I put my hand on the sweet soft features of the child, I close my eyes and sigh, ignoring the knowledge that after that year this child became me. This child became something that didn't know any better than running or fighting, my only working instinct is if someone touches you; you bite them, if someone calls out for you; you run. The fox can't be caught in the traps of society.
Now a fox is stupidly lonely too, foolishly lonely because how can you ignore that pit in your stomach that tells you to run before you lose them too. Or before you lose yourself, never let your teeth be dulled by hope.
Someone knocks on my door. I sit up immediately and straighten my back. Thrjel enters the room, he looks at me briefly.
"You're up already?" He asks.
"No I am sleeping." I say while I close my eyes.
He shakes his head and gives me a set of clothes. "Your hunting clothes." He says as he smiles. "Mum remade them in your size."
I look at him "I'm flattered." I say with a smile. The green tweed is beautiful and the leather seems like quite detailed and flamboyant for hunting but I don't complain as he puts new boots in front of me.
He take a few steps back, "Go on try it on." He says.
I frown and he rolls his eyes and turns around.
I put on the hunting gear and for a moment imagine myself blue eyed and blond hair with a painful smirk. I shake my head and look at the mirror, it looks beautiful and the tailoring is immaculate.
He turns around and looks at me. "You look prim and proper. Like you act." He says as he puts a flat cap over my bun and bows down to tie my shoelaces.
"I haven't had new shoes in six years.... Why would your mum buy them. They must've been expensive." I say as he stands up.
"I bought them for you. The dark brown reminded me of that jacket you wear when you get the chance. And I can't imagine those boots still fit comfortably." He says as he hits my shoulder. "Let's go, I can't wait to kill some deer." He says with his sarcastic smirk.

His mum is putting some stuff in the boot of another car when she sees us.
"Oh you two look adorable! Almost real grown men." She says with a chuckle. "Although Thrjel here still shoots like a child." She smiles and I can see the pain of a mother who needs to stomach her boy growing up too quickly.
"MUM!" He says and I can't help but chuckle.
"I have already gotten the equipment, of course we will have to store it tonight again but that'll be a fun part of the day too." She says as she steps into the car.
"We won't have to drive far, we will do most of the trail on foot as we should but it is a bit too far away." Thrjel says as he leans on top of the car and stares at me with a tilted head.
"I'll just follow your lead, finally a thing you're the expert in." I say with a smile as I step into the car.

The woods we pass seem so perfectly healthy but if you pay attention you see parasites eating the trees that used to be here for centuries. I wonder if the parasites might be more beautiful, with their fancy flowers and vibrant leaves they steal of the oxygen from the elders.
"You can open the window if you'd like." Thrjel says as he looks at me.
I look at him and frown, he rolls down my window and smiles. The comfortable breeze is welcomed with a heavy sigh, my hand reaches out of the window and is carried by the wind of our speed, it feels real, it feels beautiful, it feels like it could fly. It feels like I could fly. I look at Thrjel, his face seems proud that I am so happy about something so simple.
"You should try it." I say as I grab his hand and put it out of the window. He chuckles and then it seems he understand and his smile fades into wonder.
"You are such a strange person." He says as he shakes his head without taking his eyes off of me.

We get out of the car. I look around, we are at a clearing in the woods. The sun works hard to penetrate the dark trees surrounding it. Thrjel's mum takes out some rifles and puts a garb over the car. She gives Thrjel one of them, although mostly made to blend into the colours of nature there are some dull gold details like Thrjels name and a strange symbol on it. I frown.
"What's that Thrjel?" I ask.
"It's a part of my family's crest, but mum always used to mark things with it so I wouldn't lose it. Look my name can be found in it if you look closely, the T and J are that one thing going down... and that is the beginning of the H."
I squint and notice the way his coded name is in there. Thrjels mum walks up to me and hands me a piece of fabric with something in it. It's heavy and big, I frown.
"Because I have high hopes for you as a hunter Xad. You seem like a person with a good instinct. Not to mention that you have the philosophy of a shooter." She says as I unwrap it. My eyes open wider as I see the brand new rifle with dark green and blue details, details painted in the way my father painted the cabinets he used to make. I look up at her as I slowly touch the Name Xad inscribed in it with gold.
"Ma'am, I don't know how to thank you but insubordinates aren't allowed to own guns." I say as I put it back in her hands.
"After you graduate you will be allowed to own a gun Xad." She says. "And even then, who said we needed to follow the rules." She says as she wraps my hand around the gun and I feel the power of possibility coursing through my veins and my lips curl up in the unavoidable beauty of control. She shows me the position of my hands on the gun, the trigger feels heavy in my hand as I wonder if I had ever felt this if I wasn't deemed an insubordinate.
"I'll load your gun for you now." She says and proceeds to do so.
I take off the safety, she lifts the barrel slightly with her finger and points at a tree. I instinctively close one eye Sostrate clears her throat and immediately makes it clear I am not supposed to do that.
"See that orange marking, why don't you try shooting that." She says with a smile.
"Oh mum don't have such high expectations, he never handled a gun before." Thrjel says.
"Faith is a powerful thing Thrjel." She says putting a hand on my shoulder.

I exhale deeply and clench my jaw as I pull the trigger. The noise is far grander than I would ever have expected and the ringing in my ear is eerily familiar. I regain my composure and look at the tree, anxious to see if I will fulfil expectations. I put the safety on and we walk towards the tree, about three centimetres away from the mark. His mum looks at me, her face painted with surprise.
"You are being truthful when you say this is your first time shooting?" She asks.
I chuckle "I played Russian roulette once but I am not quite certain if that counts."
"You're insane! Or this is simply beginner's luck!" Thrjel says.
"Let's hope it's beginner's luck for your sake." I say with a wink.

We are walking through the woods getting closer to the place from where we will be hunting.
"Normally Thrjel and I hunt with our horses but I didn't know if you rode." She says.
"I don't ma'am."
"Oh stop calling me that Xad for god's sake. Find something else to call me." She says with a smile.
"Did you really play Russian roulette?" Thrjel asks, almost skipping through the woods like a distracted child. I chuckle and nod.
"Yeah but we were interrupted by the police, they just needed to raid the quarters of the youngster rebellion. Even though we would never really cause any damage."
"Wait you were in a rebellion?" he asks, his eyes widening in excitement.
"Yeah what did you think I was deemed insubordinate for?" I say with a chuckle as I hit his shoulder.
"I don't know. Sneaking into a house or something. That's so cool, what was it excit...."
His mum cuts us off. "We are nearing our area, you need to be quiet from now on." The sudden sharpness in her voice reminds me of a disdain I tried desperately to forget. But instead of thinking about it I look around me, the weight of the rifle against my shoulder but those shoulders might just lost their confidence. She bows down and beckons thrjel he bows down and looks at the tracks. He points in a direction and I feel my mind zoning out, not everything is about me, sometimes being harsh is about respect and not disdain.

The way we are hiding behind the plants while waiting for something that might not come at all feels cowardly. It reminds me of trenches, it reminds me of something strange, something I have not yet experienced. I look at Sostrate and Thrjel and wonder how much of their mind they share, I wonder how much I would have been like my mum or my dad. The way they know what they need even when they aren't able to talk fully only whisper.
But I am awakened from these thoughts when Thrjel taps my shoulder. I look up and see a deer, I look at him with a smile but he nods his head towards it and looks at me again. He wants me to try, I look at him and shake my head but he just nods and I can't help but believe him as he believes in me. The winds rattle the world as I exhale and hold my rifle steady, I close my eyes and smile, be calm.

The grand noise feels powerful as the birds flee from the reality and cruelty of humans but I can only look at the deer as it kicks back and starts to run, but even as he tries the blood escapes his chest and the animal realises it's mistake collapsing in the clear. Thrjel stands up and high fives me before hugging me.
"That was insane!" he exclaims.
"You are talented, you should think about doing something with that. You could win prizes with it." Sostrate says with a smile as she pets my head like I am really one of her children. I feel my shoulders straightening as we walk towards the deer and smile as I bow down over it, I hope he didn't have children. I pet its soft fur and admire the beautiful life it had before, the best life of any animal I have ever before, at least this one was wild without any rules but his own. Maybe he would even look at his death like something poet.
"I will admit you're better at this than I am, a lot better really." Thrjel says as he ties something around the legs of the beast. I crouch down and put my hand in the warm dark blood of the animal, it smells natural and deep, I look at my hand and my mind stings and eyes immediately look away. I wipe it on my handkerchief and shake my head.

"We better make something tasty with this guy." I say with a smile as we start again.
We are walking in the forest when a question pops into my head.
"Sostrate, when did you move to this country?" I ask.
"It was before the colonisation, I think about twenty years ago. I grew up in Awnlund but when I finished medical school I moved to Fialynd, there was a better market for my talents. People did not care that I was a woman here." She says with a smile.
"You're a doctor?" I ask.
"Yes, I still practice medicine, but I need to travel to the capital every day." She says.
"How come you didn't tell me Thrjel." I say with a smile.
"You don't talk about your parents either."
"Oi that's unfair!" I say with a chuckle.

We arrive at a clearing in the woods, no, it's not a clearing it's a field and then it just.... Stops and the blue sky takes over. Even though it's beautiful the grass is dry and yellow but even with that imperfection it's the closest reminder of my childhood I have ever seen, the beauty of my country shines through diligently. Sostrate puts her hand on my shoulder and gestures to the small shed at the beginning of the field.
"I am going to gut and clean the deer, but that'll take a while. I don't need your help. I will tell you a secret," She says with a smile. "At the end of this field is actually the beginning of the sea. The cliff isn't that high so..... Why don't you enjoy the view?" She smiles.
"But you'll do the work." I say with a sigh.
"That's what mum's are for." She says as she hugs me from the side.
"I'll tell you what Sostrate, Thrjel and I will cook something traditionally Fianlyndish with it."
"Deal, now go have fun." She says as she grabs a knife.
"I don't dare say anything else when you are holding that." I say with a smile.

Thrjel is looking at the sun filled horizon with his hand shielding his light eyes. I look at him and his blonde hair, his broad shoulder look free in his blouse now that he took off his jacket.
"It's hot isn't it?" He says.
I nod as I take out my bun and throw my hat on the ground. I dig my nails into my hands and take a breath of the cleanest air I have tasted in the last five years. I feel my feet stumbling and slowly picking up the pace as the new boots carry my feet like they're owned by Hermes. The long grass tickled my hands and reminds me of life and what it used to feel like, what it can feel like, what I want to feel like. I hear the excited yell of somebody and I look beside me, Thrjel is running with me, the exact same way that I imagined. We chase the wind as it flows through our hair and breathe in the rays of the sun. My lungs full with love and tears. The ultraviolence of the sun damages our skin hoping to break it into freckles. The creation of possibilities is more palpable than anything I have ever seen with my own two eyes as we run to the unadmitted edge of the field and I close my eyes as I jump towards the sun. Thrjel grabs my hand and holds it above our head as our voices make the sound of joy. The wind tugs on our clothes as we finally find the edge, that leads straight down into the ocean that is even deeper blue than the sky. The wild waves rip onto the shore crashing into it and splashing their water up onto the heights of giants. The wind pushes us around and almost begs us to jump into the endless blue of giving up. But all I can hear is the laugh of Thrjel the real laugh and my lungs fill up with air and release the pain of the last years, the last life, the last reality. The scream is hopeful, it's violent, it's fucking loud. The world can finally hear me! The world can finally hear me.

Tears of joy flow onto my face as Thrjel looks at me, I have never seen a face so entranced by life. By the world, by me. A wave nears us but we do not move as it crashes onto the shore, the water excusing the possibility of denial of this moment. As the spray of the cold water hits my skin I can only smile, And hope that my clothes won't be ruined by this.

I wipe the water from my eyes, the salt mixing with my tears and baptising my hope. I look at Thrjel, his fluffy hair has not survived this tornado of water. I see him laughing and I hear my own laugh, it's unrecognisable to me. Thrjel laughs out loud that laugh I do recognise, I would recognise it anywhere, even faintly in the stormy winds. We both look over the ocean and he puts his hand on my shoulder. "See, we don't need more to be happier xad. Isolation is sometimes important. We just have to realise what kind of world we have in our hands." He reaches for my hand but I softly pull away.
"I can't Thrjel... I don't think I can." I say. "See this hunger for more, this reaching for the stars. I don't think I do it for myself anymore. When I reached a certain age I lost so much that I need a reason, a purpose if you will.... Even though I don't believe in that." I chuckle. "I invented this child, this little daughter. She has my eyes, somebody else's hair. I do everything for her, even though she doesn't exist she is all I have from the future. The hope, personified... I always imagined myself raising children, but this time in a good way, the way it's supposed to be. It's why my first instinct will always be fighting for us. I need to make sure she can run through the fields I remember rather than the ones that are here now. I think.... I think it might be because I skipped that age, That freedom, that carelessness and so I designed this kid in my head who will appear once I'm old enough. Once I... Know. I imagine them running in green grass instead of this dull yellow. I imagine them happy, free, careless. Everything I am not. I want to give them my all. I think that's why I feel like I can't stop at my own happiness....Honestly, I think I don't ever get to see a child of mine.... I don't think I'll ever see thirty. Or.... Twenty even. But I need to know that I have done absolutely everything possible to make a world that they deserve to live in. I'm crazy right? I just need to do everything to make sure...." I look at Thrjel
"Oh xad. Crashing into the earth doesn't mean you'll make an impact" He says as she stares into the clouds. He shakes his head, a wave breaks the tender moment. The water soaks my hair and attaches the artificial curls to my forehead. We chuckles.
"You remind me of Morgana le Fay like this." He says with a smile.
I frown, "The Arthurian one? I thought she was a woman."
He nods. "She is."
"I hope she's beautiful." I respond with a chuckle and turn around.
"The most." I hear faintly

TO BE CONTINUED.....