The wet towel feels too warm on my face as Thrjel cleans my wounds. My nose hurts as it keeps expelling blood but my body is too tired to wipe it. His movements are the only thing that bring me comfort, slow, assuring, strong. All things that I can hardly ever be without lying, not that I don't lie, but it is a fact that some things will never be true for me. I stare at the ground and try not to fall forward, lying down sounds even more glamourous right now...
Thrjel looks at me from the corner of his eyes while he tries to get the blood out of a soaked cloth, surprise, surprise, it doesn't come out. I can see the worry and thoughts running through his head.
"Do you want to ask me something Dimwit?" I ask, trying to be as quick witted as normal but my wit seems to start quick and then trip over its own feet... But he does chuckle, so maybe the fall was comical?
"I do, but I don't really know how." He says as he walks back to me and cleans the scrapes and cuts on my arm, he notices the purple lines of bruises the handcuffs left, I can feel him wondering and my humour is more speedy than my common sense, so before I know it I hear myself say:
"Kinky!"
He looks up and I can feel his urge to punch me in the face but I just smile like an idiot.
"Why are you joking while your body is.... Somewhat broken?"
I giggle and he shakes his head.
"I think they hit the intelligence out of you."
"OI! I can very well solve any meths problem!" I yell.
"I will assumed you do not mean the drugs do you?" He says. "I really hope you're joking Xad. I still need someone to help me with my homework."
I laugh "Yeah yeah, I am fine, π is 3,14159 26535 89793 and on and on like that."
"So.... Do you want to talk about it?" He asks while he sits down, cutting a bandage for the wound.
"Do you want to hear?" I ask and push his hands down. "You shouldn't dress my wounds, it'll only make me look weak, and have consequences."
"Are you sure?" he asks, his puppy eyes still beautiful as always.
"Always." I smile.
"Tell me what happened..."
I take a deep breath and shake the tears out of my eyes while I try to reason for reality that happened. "I will try my best." I say and he grabs my hand.
"I'm here, you are safe and protected. You will get through this.... Whatever happened."
I can't help but start crying. "I don't know if I was at fault too...."
"Could you have changed anything? And be very logical right now...." He asks.
I shake my head.
"Then you cannot be at fault Dear."

After we have talked for hours we decide that I should sleep in the normal dorm just to be safe tonight. Thrjel helps me get there because for some reason my ankle hurts and I cannot remember why or when that happened. Everything is a blur. When I enter the room I see Kuon waiting for me.
"Hey." He whispers.
"Hey" I respond with a smile.
"Do you want to tell me the truth?" He asks.
"When Cyaren isn't near. I cannot risk breaking his heart, or faith." I open the window and climb onto the small edge of the building. Kuon follows my lead and sits down beside me, I light my cigarette and sigh, releasing the foreboding smoke from my damaged and dry lungs. "I would really prefer to be alone Kuon."
He ignores me, yet another one who doesn't understand that sometimes loneliness is necessary. "Do you remember that insubordinate who was killed a year ago?" He asks, lighting his own cigarette. Sharing cigarettes is a luxury, most of us would kill you if you'd ask us to share one.
I nod.
"He was my best friend."
I nod again, unsure what to say. Why does he give me this information.
"You remind me of him. Every time I see you I wonder when you will die, just one step too far Xad. They will kill you, and I know you don't care about that, but you could do so much more if you stay alive."
"What are you saying? Keep my head down?" I ask, surprised by my own hateful tone.
He shakes his head. "Don't lose your instincts because of hatred."
I chuckle and shake my head. He stands up and finally leaves me to think about everything that happened today.

My eyes hurt and I can't recall if it's from violence or crying, my nose feels even more crooked than I bargained for and my brain is still scrambled by the bog water stuck in my body. The cough comes up as if summoned by the memory of drowning. I stare into the dark and wonder, what have I ever done to make them hate me? I smile, I have done things to make them hate me. I sabotaged trains, sabotaged weapon factories, was a pain in the ass in general. But why did I start being like that? Because no matter how good I was, they hated me regardless, if I had done everything they'd ask of me they would hate me too.....
Or is that what I tell myself to hide the truth? To shield myself from regretting not being a good boy. Is that what my stubbornness tells my guilt so I stay sane? I chuckle, if it is I shouldn't want to know. I let go of the cigarette, it falls down the high stories of the school only to fall on the stones and slowly lose its spark. Did I hope that the wind would carry it?
I loosen my collar, hoping that the bruises around my neck will loosen with them, but they don't they keep pushing on my throat as if I am still being attacked. Fight or flight they say, I don't know what I felt. I think I gave up, that's unlike me, I couldn't have given up.....
I frown, I can hardly remember everything that has happened today. I close my eyes, you're not losing yourself, you are just tired, go to bed I say to myself as I stand up and follow my own advice. Right now, even the hard beds feel like a heavenly bed fit for a king.

I stare into the mirror, the blue around my eyes has not settled down yet, but I can't blame it. I have only given it a week and a half.
"Do you think my nose looks lopsided?" I ask Thrjel and he immediately walks into the bathroom he stares at my nose, narrows his eyes professionally and shakes his head.
"Not at all." He lies charmingly and my eyebrow shoots up into the most snarky expression I could ever have (which frankly does hurt because of the bruises). "Oh look, now your whole face is lopsided." He remarks. My answer is rather simple, and charming too if I may say so myself, the simplicity of a punch in the stomach is just truly wonderful is it not?
"You know what's funny?" I say to Thrjel as I clean the healing red stripes around my neck.
"You are?" He asks.
"True, but I actually meant the fact that it looks like I could take off my head."
He laughs and it makes me happy but I try my best not to laugh, why couldn't the headmaster have done this earlier, in a time where I did not have the necessity to smile sometimes.
Honestly I should thank the headmaster, I would not have realised that I still have the internal wish to live if it weren't for his escapades that could conclude in death when successful.

I turn around and almost bump into Thrjel, he chuckle and steps back. I smile "Sorry, but in my defence, you were in the way."
He chuckles "I hate you, you mopstick."
"Oh I know that all too well my dear." I say as I want to leave the bathroom.
"Aren't you going to do your hair?" He asks and I look at him.
"Do I look like I have the energy to?" I say, even somebody who just hit their head on the hardest rock of the world could sense the sarcasm in that sentence.
He tits his head, as if he really did hit his head, someone ought to give him a concussion to test if he'd be more insightful that way "Why don't I braid your hair? We still have plenty of time."

I sit down on the bed and nod, it's been a long time since somebody cared about my appearance other than myself.
The last time I remember was when Fraye tried to make me feel better, it was in the last few years, she stole a lipstick from the best department store in the whole city. I remember how she knocked on the wall of the improvised bunk beds we made. I was sitting in the corner, already practicing how to cry the without any noise. She smiled the way I was used to, her black eye hidden by eyeshadow she made of ashes. When I think about it Fraye was beautiful, she was strong, she was feminine, she was confident, she was snide. She was my sister, and I couldn't have been luckier.
"Don't listen to him Xad, he was just being mean." She said to me as he sat down.
I shrugged "It didn't feel like that Fraye, I know I shouldn't care but he's so...."
"Cool?" She asked and offered me a cigarette, I shook my head. "He's also a jealous dick."
I chuckled. "What do you mean?"
"I mean if you go on like this Xad you will eventually be the leader of the resistance. He's threatened by your intellect and overall charm."
"As if I have any...."
"Oh come on X, don't kid yourself now. But if you really hate that scar I have something for you." She showed me a beautiful lipstick, it's case heavy and gold, the engravings probably had been carved by hand. I looked at her, cluelessly, I didn't know what that was and shrugged.
"They closed it when I was one, I never really noticed the scar, I only knew that I was born wrong...."
"Not wrong Xad, just different. If you would be born wrong I don't think you would still be here." She smiled and opened the cap. "This one is called coral, I like the way it's not red or pink but something in between."
"Looks orange to me." I said cynically.
"I'm trying to be nice here Xad, I can't go around stealing the perfect shade can I?" She asked and I couldn't help but laugh. "now open your moth slightly, I will put it on for the first time." She held up the broken mirror and I saw my lips, the white line was hidden under the pigment of the miraculous lipstick. A hug could have never been tighter.

"What are you smiling about?" He asks as he stand up. He braids surprisingly fast.
I sigh and shake my head. "I don't understand it, the childhood I hated has now become precious as I recall it. I have always wished for different lives, better lives, but even though it wasn't the best, why does my tragedy make me smile now?"
"Why were you thinking about your childhood?" he asks as he sits down and stares at my eyes.
"Because you told me not to shut it out" I say as I hit him, my inability to be serious is effecting me more and more the last weeks. Perhaps it's a way of survival. He chuckles, I should thank him for putting up with me.... He trails his hand along the braid.
"I like you with reverted braids, it makes you look more innocent." He says with his shy smile.
"Have you ever noticed what's wrong with my face?" I ask as I look back into the perfect face that he owns.
He smiles and frowns at the same time and I must commend him for that, I have no idea how he does that. "What?" He asks.
"I'm sure you heard me." I answer.
"Well, yes but I don't get the question."
I sigh, "Have you noticed that I had a cleft lip when I was young?"
"No, I could never have imagined...." He says, "Whoever fixed it did a good job."
I nod "My grandma said I was born wrong. My mother always told me not to believe her. But I did wonder, why can't nature be perfect?"
He looks at me and grabs my hand "As far as I am concerned your nature is perfect."
I push him off the bed. "You're so sappy you dimwit!!!"
"You love me for it!" he protests.
"I really don't!"

He's right about the braids, it makes me look more like a rule follower. It's a good hairstyle to keep my head down with, as I do the coming weeks. Most people know me with the bun or maybe a ponytail, but two braids make me inconspicuous, or at least I would like to believe so. Maybe it's not real. And I am totally fine with that too. The lessons of today just concluded their course and Thrjel and I are sitting in the garden studying as long as the sun is still powerful and happy. Cyaren is trying to catch a bird and my stomach turns every time he almost catches it, I cannot do another pet. The exams are coming dangerously close but I am honestly rather excited for them, they will be the signature under my freedom. I will finally be able to have some sort of self-expression without being at risk of drowning. At the same time I am absolutely terrified, as bad as the school is it provides me with a roof over my head and education. If I am rejected from the universities I do not have any clue what to do, will I live on the streets again? Will I work in the mines like my father? What will happen to my friendship with Thrjel? Will he forget me as soon as he steps foot into the Awnlund university? A brick of solid air starts to form in my throat. Can he forget me? I shake my head, I do not want to know that yet. Future is the future and sometimes something that doesn't exist. I stand up and walk to the edge of the property, I am honestly surprised how little security this school has, sometimes I think it is to trick young insubordinates into escaping only for them to be killed because of it. I light my cigarette and stare into the sun, hoping it might burn my eyes and forbid me from seeing any of the injustice in the world.
As if summoned by the mere thinking of the word injustice Kuon appears.
"Can I borrow a cigarette?" He asks. "I'll give you one of my own when I have them again."
I give him one and say "You can keep it. Don't bother alright? Thrjel bought these for me."
He chuckles "He spoils you."
I look at him and my smile fades into arrogance "What are you saying?"
"You know... you have some privileges because of this friendship."
"If you want to look as black and blue as I did a few weeks ago you need to keep going." I say as I lean on the fence.
"Alright, alright, I'll back off. God you're tense." He leans back and basks in the sun.
"Or maybe your sense of humour is just not particularly funny." I respond with a smile.
"Maybe" He breathes out smoke. "You two are a good set though."
"No need for flattery Kuon."
He sighs "Okay, Xad, after Flip disappeared there have been many insubordinates that are unhappy with our way of life. And After I told some non-insubordinates the flip story they agreed. I think we could rally...."
I interject and look at him "You told people? You promised not to tell anyone."
"Oh come on you don't look bad in your story." He says but I grab his collar.
"That doesn't matter Kuon, I trusted you and you just decide for both of us to fuel this fire. What if Cyaren would have heard this?"
"He didn't hear me Xad, trust me." He says with a smile, he seems surprised by my reaction.
"No I won't, because you broke that a second ago."
"Come on Xad, it's not that bad." He says with a sigh.
"I will decide that Kuon..... I am a person before I am an insubordinate. So my feelings will interfere with your plans for now." I roll the cigarette in my hands.
"I am sorry Xad." He says with a sigh "But it's still the truth, the school is ripe for at least an act of rebellion."
I look down and shake my head "Their cruelty exceeds their humanity, if any of us would step out of line it would provide them with a good reason to kill us. It will be our downfall, and it will be our fault Kuon. Resistance starts with small things, undermine credibility, create annoyance, be too slow with cleaning. Resistance is not some grand gesture."
"You're being foolish Xad."
"Shut up Kuon, you have never seen what real resistance looks like, it looks like blood on your hands, it look like taking a beating and not saying anything, it looks like being drowned, it does not look like being angry and wilfully endangering others." I throw the cigarette down and walk away.
"Has that drowning scared you? Or do you just pretend to have more courage than you do?" He asks.
I smile to myself and turn around "Are you deaf or do you not know how to heed a warning?" I ask as I walk back to him and hit him once in the face. He falls back into the bushes and I walk away. He needs to learn how to shut up.
"I'm sorry xad." He yells.
"The fuck you are!" I yell back and walk back into the school.

"Xad," Thrjel yells as he pursues me I turn around sharply.
"No Thrjel, I won't be rational for once. I won't be the one needs to forget themselves and understand. I have feelings and I am so tired of being the one to reason. I just want to be mad for once." I say and he hugs me.
"I'll leave you to it dear." He says and I just smile. He always knows what I need. I grab his hand and squeeze it. He smiles lightly and puts his forehead against mine.
"Meet me in the science lab tomorrow, I think I will be able to finish the projects today."
He smiles "I'll be there."
"As always love." I say as I peck him on the cheek and I see that he blushes lightly, he must be flattered.

I look at the finished mask and wonder how many lungs it could save. How many people would have a chance of a better life, of a longer life, a safer life. Maybe I could try to get this as a standard issue of the mine-workers. The sun illuminates the gleaming copper of the roster in the middle, as if the mask itself is winking at me. My murmuring thoughts are interrupted by Thrjel who slides into the classroom he dances towards me and grabs my hand and tries to get me to join him.
"What kind of magical music are you playing?" I ask with a chuckle as I lean on the table.
"Nothing! I am just in a good mood." He says as he gracefully dips me. I just look at him, unimpressed and tired (even though I am more of a morning person than he is.)
"Let me go." I say emotionlessly
"As you wish." He says and I hit the floor with shocking velocity. I shake my head and say nothing in particular under my breath as I get up. He's staring at the mask and looks back at me. "Show me what excites you about it."
I chuckle and show him all the things I changed, he constantly nods and looks just as excited as I do.
"I read some of that in your notebook but couldn't really understand, it's easier when you explain it to me." He says as he looks into my eyes from under his wispy eyelashes.
"That's because I know how you think Thrjel." I look at the mask and the proud feeling swelling in my chest feels beautiful, it feels like it's supposed to be there. I deserve to feel like this. "So what do you think?"
"It's perfect Xad, a real diamond. But I would recommend polishing it." He says.
I look at him, a frown paints my expression. "What do you mean, the technology is absolutely perfect."
"Exactly, but Awnlunds want beauty. Put some paint on it, polish it, some gold here and there and bam, you'll get an 98 percent or something."
I look at the mask and realise he is right, aesthetics are more important in this world than I would like to admit. I hug him sideways and nod, "Good idea Thrjel. Now let's look at the other project."

I put a small white and blue backpack on the table. "I still need to try it out, but it should work. We should try it out tonight." I say with a proud smile.
"What do you mean? It's just a backpack." He says.
I nod and smirk as I point to the golden button on top of it, Thrjel grabs the bag and hit the button.
"Hey be a gentle you troll." I say as the bag expands into a beautiful hunting rifle, his mothers name engraved on the barrel.
"You impress me more and more each day Xad, shall we try this beauty out this evening?" He asks as he inspects it. I hear footsteps and immediately grab the gun and hit another button. It folds harmoniously back into the backpack.
"You're a genius." Thrjel laughs as he holds his hand in front of his mouth and smiles.
"You don't have to tell me dimwit, I am surprised it took you so long to see."
"It didn't take me long to see, it took me long to say..." He says. "Just like other things." His eyes linger on my fice and I feel a burning sensation in my stomach, it doesn't feel familiar. I push his face away.
"That's the same you dimwit."

The energy coursing through my body feels refreshing as we walk through the dark forest. I could hardly walk through it without feeling terrified the last few weeks but right now I am only incredibly excited as I walk uphill. The moon shines brightly as if it is still jealous of the sun.
"Wait up Xad." Thrjel yells, I can even hear his panting from here.
"Come on you're supposed to be the fit muscly guy!" I scream back as I can hardly stand to stand still.
"Cookies take their toll!" He yells back and I can't help but laugh. "Plus you have less weight to carry with you mop stick."
I chuckle and wait till he is at least two metres away before starting to walk again. I hear him groan as I almost run to the top.
"I should be calling you mountain goat..." he screams and I hear he accelerates. I sit down and wait for him. "I hate you so much." He says as he arrives on the top.
"Oh you do not even know what hate is Thrjel." I say as I put the target on a tree and grab the backpack.
"It's like a handbag but then a gun." Thrjel says with a chuckle.
"Well, a handbag is not a very useful weapon." I respond.
"Depends, if you swing it hard enough I am certain it can do some damage." He says as I aim for the tree.
"Tell me, how many times did you need to be hit with one before you became the idiot you are?" I ask with a smirk as I pull the trigger. It makes a satisfying sound, almost elegant you could say. I lower it and look at the target, even a perfect shot in the dark.
"Did it work?" He asks and he looks at me, full of expectation. I smile and nod.
"It's perfect, if I..." I cannot finish my sentence when he picks me up and spins me around with a lively "yippie!" I laugh the first few second until he stops and still does not put me down but just blankly stares at me. I start to kick and wiggle.
"Put me down!" I say, very maturely if I may say so myself....
"I wouldn't want to be a deer near you...." He sighs as he puts me down and I look at him with a frown.
"Does that mean that normally you wouldn't mind being a deer?"
"You mean to say that you never thought about being one?" he asks, his eyes shocked and innocent as always.
"A fox or wolf, sure but a deer..... they seem so nervous all the time." I say with a chuckle.
"No, they're whimsical!" He says.
"You don't have to be a deer to be whimsical, you're living proof of that." I say as I bump up against him, sometimes I am absolutely convinced that he is a brick wall. "Not to mention you're already a dear."
"Haha very very funny" He says.
"Wow! I have never heard you use sarcasm!" I say.
"Was that sarcasm?" He asks.
"What I said?? I don't know, pay attention. You should be happy they don't do recruitment in Fianlynd." I say.
"What?"
"That's what I said, pay attention you dimwit. Now let's go back to the school, my back is aching for a good bed."
"Agreed."

We start walking back to school, the silence is comforting and warm. Till Thrjel decides to break it.
"I hate the new radio hour that's blasted in the school." He says as he sighs. "It's enough already that you need to listen to it every day in the summer holidays."
I shrug "Honestly it's been here for three weeks and it just reminds me of home." I say.
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"Oh sweet summer child, it's so noticeable that you're from the country...." I sigh and start to explain "So back in the city it started with these small automobiles that would drive around blasting one thing or another on speakers. Later this progressed to these stupid airhorn things that blasted a melody to 'thank' the miners, honestly it was just to make sure no one would be late. And every day at six the national news would be blasted, it was similar to the thing blasted in the school now. Although it was more about how great Awnlund was and how rich and perfect yada yada and less about obedience."
"Are those speakers still there?" He asks.
"Only in predominantly Fianlynd neighbourhoods. The good homes deserve their rest." I say with the most disdain I've felt in a while.
"Wow."
"Yeah.... When I was young every day someone would play this beautiful trumpet solo on top of the church. It wasn't our national anthem but it was something important to our culture, I don't remember the whole melody. But you could hear it throughout the city, the clear and perfect tone of the trumpet harmonising with the sleepy birds to say goodbye to the sun. And now, they just took our culture and twisted it into something ugly. Something to be ashamed of...." I sigh.
"Shall we sleep in my dorm tonight?" he asks out of the blue.
"I'd like that. Right now everything is too heavy"

Thrjel sighs and drops his head on the table. I bite on the pencil and put it behind my as I sigh, trying not to smile at Thrjel's misery.
"Come on Thrjel, it just needs some small tweaks after that it'll be perfect and you will get a good grade."
"That's not true Xad, I hardly understand what I am talking about myself! It's as if I have written it while I was sleepwalking."
I chuckle, it does have that kind of quality, but I won't tell him that. "I think it's because you struggle with focusing on one thing." I say as I put a notebook in front of him and give him a pencil. "For thirty minutes you just write what you know about this subject. Don't try to strike up a conversation with me, just focus and work. You'll be surprised how smart you are my dimwit." I say as I lift his chin sightly.
I sit down on a table in front of him and fiddle with my hair as I open my book, it's about a person that finds a ghost of a character in a book.
"How can I concentrate when such a beautiful person is sitting in front of me!" He complains.
"Don't try flattery my dear, I have had enough of that. Now focus."
He groans and starts writing. The mellow light of the lamps shines on his face, showing the cosy side of the school. I read my book in peace when suddenly the annoying beeping sound that announces the radio echoes through the halls and classrooms. I sigh and look at Thrjel.
"Okay we will go on tomorrow." I say as I pack up the books.
"Shall we go to my room?" He asks and I nod.

We are walking through the halls, the speakers blasting and creaking as they tell us how lucky we are to live in a country like this. And I am just perpetually hoping they'd simply shut up. With a crack the radio stops, Thrjel frown and looks at his pocket watch when suddenly all lightbulbs shut off, I didn't notice how dark it was outside already. I can hardly see anything.
"What's happening?" Thrjel asks and I look around.
"I think there is a power outage." O god what if they think it's one of our faults, the resistance used to do these type of things when I was back home. My breathing stops.
"Go to your dorm Thrjel, I need to get all the insubordinates in one place..."
"What why?" He asks.
"Alibi, and I am certain they will check on us." I say as I start to run.

I think about all the places where we would hang out. Some are still doing their cleaning tasks, others are studying in the library, some are in the gardens. When I have been at all the possible places I run back to the dorm.
"Alright, everyone sit on your bed so I can see if we are missing anybody." I order and look around. Two empty beds.
"Kuon isn't here." Cyaren says as he looks at me. I look around, he's right. I sigh and shake my head, my eyes are moist and I hope it's from sweat rather than this hunch that is beating around in my skull.
"Uíxse, this can't be happening." I say through grinded teeth.
"What?" Cyaren asks innocently.
"Nothing," I say as I open the door "Everyone, stay here. Answer the questions the headmaster asks truthfully, but don't tell him you have seen me or Kuon if we aren't back by then. Oh and light that candle so you can at least see a bit." I say as I run into the dark halls again.

I am glad that I know the school so well as I run through the halls, the only thing that is remotely human in this cold building are my quick footsteps. I curse the old wooden shutters that wouldn't even let any daylight in if it were possible. I see a shape of light in the hallways across from this one, I stop breathing when I recognise that it's a mining lamp, my nails dig into the scars on my hand as I hide around the corner. I recognise the frightened footsteps and the exhausted panting of malnourished youth, my lip curls up as they near the corner. When he turns the corner I strikes and grab his shoulders, tackling him to the ground.
"Do you have any idea how stupid you are?" I ask through my teeth as I look Kuon in the eyes.
"You said resistance starts with small things." He says.
"This is not small Kuon, this is interference of propaganda, they would consider it fucking treason. Do you hear me?" I whisper through my teeth as I stand up. "We need to hurry back."

We don't talk much as we run back to the dorm, when we arrive back at the hallway in front of the dorm we manage our pace so we don't look suspicious.
"I figured you out Xad, you're just all bark and no bite." He says.
I grab him by his collar and push him against the wall. "How did you cut the power?" I ask.
"I did exactly that." He says, showing a pair of pliers.
My whole face cramps up in anger. "That leaves evidence, a mouse cannot cut a wire! Listen to me idiot, if you think this will do anything to make our life better you're more than sorely mistaken."
"You're just a coward Xad." He says.
"Listen here you little incomprehensible fuck, if you want to think that fine. But don't come crying to me when all you are is a dead body. If you go on like this you only have two options Kuon, either you're a matyr who died for the boys here, but never did anything to better their life. Or you're a dead body proving the awnlunds that we are a disgusting race. Either way you're going to be a fucking corpse if you keep this up!" I yell.
Kuon look at the door of the dorm and I follow his gaze, Cyaren and some others are standing there. Their faces shocked and some of them trembling with fear. The one who always had faith just told them the horrible truth.
I push him away and walk back to the dorm.
"I'm sorry Xad."
"Ne gefh dregh." (which means don't bother) I say as I walk into the dorm. Wondering if it is him who has betrayed our safety or if my ideology has.

To be continued...