Thrjel stares at the diploma. Where do I start to be angry. Can I be mad? Or have I been foolish.
"This can't be legal." He says, he can hardly keep his voice from breaking, his reaction might be more visceral than mine.
I look at him and feel my eyebrows turn upside down as I try to keep my eyes from twitching. My face cramps up into sadness as I keep nodding, the lump in my throat makes it hard to breathe and I can hear myself wheezing, just like I can hear the blood in my ears.
"Oh darling...." He says as he rushes to me and embraces me as tightly as he can. But even though he is holding me I fall to my knees, I can't breathe. There is this strange stillness within me, I am so angry, but I do not feel the need to fight, I only feel the need to think. To keep this anger somewhere in my heart, to feed it, so that finally the explosion might make some impact. My hands tremble as they look for the floor, for something substantial, something real, something that will exist no matter what. I sit down and stare at the wooden boards, my breath passes through my teeth and I wonder if I disappointed myself or the world around me. Thrjel kneels down and wipes my tears.
"We will find a way Xad.... I promise."
"You can't keep that one."
"Even if I can't I will try." He responds.
I wrap my arms around him. Tightly, too tightly, I cannot lose him today either. I need him to stay, I need to stay here. I need to.... I don't know what I need. I need to get myself together. I take a deep breath and look up at him his beautiful blue eyes staring back at me and I nod. I stand up and grab the gun I have made out of the bag.
"You need to give it to your mum...." I say, my voice hardly has volume.
He chuckles "Why wouldn't you give it yourself?" He asks.
I tilt my head, I am beginning to believe I am getting dumber and dumber.
"You didn't think we would just leave you to fend for yourself Xad? You need somewhere to live, and I am not really ready to lose you yet." He says as he wraps his arm around me.
"You afraid you'll miss me dimwit?" I ask as I look at him.
He smiles cheekily. "I know I would, my mopstick." He messes up my hair and I groan to hide how grateful I am, and how moved that he thought I would trust him enough to just.... know that I would stay there.
"You are going to be safe Xad. I promise that...."
"You could have said it earlier you idiot...." I say with a chuckle.
"I like suspense." He answers with a smirk.

I rub my blouse inside my elbow as we walk though the familiar halls. I try not to remember all the conversations I have had here, good, bad, strange and incredible. I chuckle as we pass the place where Thrjel discovered I was an insubordinate. We walk to the insubordinate dorm and thankfully nobody seems to be in there. I open the creaking door and hum the same tone as I look inside one last time.
but there he is, standing in the middle and staring at us, his big eyes gleaming beautifully with tears. I walk to him and take a deep breath. I slowly get to my knees and blink slowly, I put my hand on the back of his and kiss his forehead, like the times my mum would check if I was really sick. I put my nose in his soft black hair and smell the childlike odour that doesn't have this hopeless dolour yet. I wrap my arms around him and so does he, I feel his shoulders shake in sadness. I lean back and look in his eyes, my smile hides the tears, I cannot cry now, he needs to know everything is going to be alright.
"Hey look at me." I say as I try to catch his darting eyes. "Listen kid, you're going to be okay."
He starts to sputter but I just hold his shoulders and nod along. "Listen Cyaren, you are going to do this. I believe in you." I sigh and shake my head. "Be good, and then I don't mean the way they tell you to be good. I mean that you should never forget where you came from. Don't cause havoc, be better than I was. Be inconspicuous, but remember who you are. Remember Kuon, remember me, remember Thrjel, remember the kindness in the world. However hard it will get." I hug him tightly. "Be brave, little one. I am still looking out over you, just from a distance, just like Flip...." I whisper.
"I don't want you to go." He whispers.
"I know darling, I know..." The tears stream down my face as I have to abandon something again. "I'll find you. When you work in the mines... I will find you. I promise!"
He nods and wipes his tears, I take a deep breath and lift his face.
I smile "Take care of Kuon's grave, make sure nobody forgets his name. Remember, Never forget Cyaren, be brave, be kind, and never be like them...."
He nods.
"Mu cré thí" I whisper.
The boy looks at me "What does that mean?" he asks.
"Have you forgotten how to speak you language already?" I ask with a smile.
He shakes his head "I just can't remember anyone saying something like that to me."
My jaw tightens and I try to fight the sadness of the reality that has been laid before me. "It means I love you." I say with a forced smile.
He repeats it slowly, carefully, like he is tasting the words and trying to find their meaning. Could it be that no one has ever said that to him before? He looks up at me.
"Mu cré thí" He says as he hugs me. "Goodbye."
I turn around and walk out of the dorm, I turn around one last time and wave to him, he excitedly waves back. His smile brighter and more innocent than when I first met him. My mind betrays hope and realizes that this school might destroy his spirit. I nod and turn around, leaving him behind, perhaps forever.

"Mu cré thí." Thrjel says slowly.
"What did you say?" I ask as I look at him. I wasn't focusing on what he was saying. I can't help but be lost in thought.
He looks at me and smiles "I am practicing your language." He says.
I grab his hand and nod "It is our language... The language of our people, the people that should still have a voice."
He smiles "We will miss a part of this won't we?"
I nod "And I am not quite certain which part yet."
He wraps his arm around me and we turn around to see the main hall one last time. The darkness looming above the stairs cannot even be helped with the stained glass windows. Without memories this place might have been beautiful, enchanting even. I pluck on my nails and my head tilts innocently, shaking my head and thoughts terrified of the truth.
I look at the sun and take a breath, if I hadn't done one thing in my life I could have done so much more. I need to do so much more....
"Let's go home Xad." He says. To his home, or does he mean that I will be home there too. I nod, let's go home.

We walk down the stairs in front of the school, I focus on my leather boots. They are still in pristine condition, if you never had anything, you learn to keep things the way they're supposed to be. The heels make an awful sound on the stone, the shadow still looming above us. As Thrjel runs towards his mum I decide to look back one time. My breath stops as I realise my life of debt will begin as soon as I am gone, whatever I do I will be dependent on somebody. Somebody who could stop supporting me, because who doesn't get tired of somebody like me. Even I do.
I look at the windows of the school when I suddenly see a small shadow. I smile and wave, Cyaren waves back, slowly, hesitantly. I put my thumbs up and he nods, he waves again and I make a funny face. I can hear his laugh, it is engraved in my brain, in my history. I will see you again Cyaren, or at least I will try, I promise.
I turn around and see Thrjel hugging his mother so tightly. I lick my lips, avoiding my ssore throat as I wonder what my mother would look like, the first streaks of grey attacking her hair, the creases of laughter finally showing. I walk up to them.
"There you are xad." She lovingly messes up my hair. "you've grown."
I smile "Thank you for having me mammy." I say with a smile, she just responds with a proud smile.
"I heard you did very well on you exams."
I nod my head. "For nothing."
"Somebody will see your potential Xad, I just know it." She says with a smile.
I scratch my arm and look up, my eyes hurt from keeping them open. "That's not how a life like mine works..." I say as I put my bag in the car, the reality that my whole life fits into a bag as small as this scares me. How easy would it be to erase me completely.

I sit down in the car and look out of the window as we start driving. Thrjel gives me a cookie but I just smile and shake my head.
"silence or explanation?" He asks.
"Silence." I answer, incredibly thankful he understand me so easily. He just nods and smiles.
I look at the land travelling away from us. The lands tainted and painted with memories, beautiful and regretful. The sun shines into my eyes and hurts them more than it is supposed to. As I lean on my hand the tears in my eyes just quietly sit there, as if they're not even important. The hum of the car makes it harder to think than I would like it to be. I put my head on the window and I try to keep paying attention to the landscape. There is a cough stuck in my throat, just like my voice. What am I feeling? I suppose we could call this desperation? I shut my eyes tightly, the tears are trapped in there and I want them to stay there. My breath is unregulated and I need to concentrate to keep living.
I open my eyes and immediately wipe them. What do I want? I want to sleep, I want to die, I want to go to uni, I want to punch someone, I want to feel pain, I want to feel anything but, this hollow feeling that chains me to this sinking ship. What have I done wrong to deserve this? My mum taught me that God will look over us, when did God die? Or when did I become unlovable. Was it before life forced me to be someone I never imagined being. I tried to be good, I wanted to be good, I was good. Am I no good? What happened to me? Was it the world that happened to me? Or am I really abandoning a child in a place that I know won't be safe. I shake my head. I cannot do anything about it, who am I? I am useless, I can't do anything about it. They ripped it away, I was just a kid, just a kid, when they told me I was meant to bleed, meant to fight, meant to go insane. Meant not to be the same. What have they made me? I can't believe I am grown now. Now I am really their enemy. Because playing football won't be tolerated, and the boys won't ask me to join them in playing catch, because they're too busy with their papers. And I am too busy covering my lungs with ash and toxins.
The green hills are hopefully coloured with their beautiful grass, grass that's supposed to live, to nurture. This one way road to nothingness is nothing but frightening, I do not know what will happen, I need to know what will happen. I roll down the window and the wind catches my tear as I try not to feel embarrassed about it. I just want to keep dreaming, I want to continue not knowing, and I want to know. The wind is too cold for my face, it's number than my brain. I don't know what I want. The pollen of nature urges a cough but somehow my body won't allow me to. I don't know what I want. I desperately want to know I'll have a future. Because this weight of my death is suffocating me, I am so so afraid because of a simple meaning. I want to mean something, but I don't know if I can withstand the pressure. And I really had an idea of future but now it has been ripped away, I'm left staring into an abyss of nothingness, not even certain what to do, or who to be. After preserving myself so perfectly for years I have forgotten who I am, in two days. He did break my spirit.... They killed my spirit, they pushed me down to hell while they promised us heaven. I can't call it unfair, because I don't even blame them, I blame myself for actually believing it. How foolish was I? How naïve was I? I thought I knew everything but still hope has eaten its way into my soul. I hate it, I hate myself, I hate my soul. They've led me so far astray that I don't remember the concept of a road. Will I never be believed to be good? Is this the end?

The trembling ground is uneasy, am I able to fall even further? How could I fall further? Please say I can't fall any further. This car makes me even more nervous than I'd like to be.
I feel nauseous as I look out of the window, the fields are splendidly empty. The silence doesn't seem right, the fields are supposed to house animals. Whare are the cows, the horses, the lambs? Who will lead them? And where did they go. We speed along fields and fields, it makes me dizzy and I don't understand where life has gone. Is our country dead? And if it is who killed it. I feel tears in my eyes when I see a fox in a field, I sigh, relieved that there's still life but I hear a cry. And before I have really thought it through I feel myself opening the door. The hard stone of the road feels painful on my cheekbone,. I hear his panicked voice calling out my name. but I push myself up and stumble into the field.
I can see that the fox is trying to run as I get closer. But something is restricting him. I turn my head, my vision blurry and my head hurts. "Who are you little one?" I ask as I tilt my head.
The green eyes of the creature look frightened. I walk up to it and see that his hindleg is caught in some kind of trap. I chuckle and kneel in front of it.
"Yeah... you are a beauty." I say slowly. His eyes remind me of Cyaren, and I wonder if Kuon was just as scared as he was. His lip curls upward and shows his brilliant teeth, I smile, and now it is me. Fight for your life little miniature wolf....
I look at his hind paw and hear footsteps coming towards me. "Just stay there." I say to him.
I kneel next to the fox and open the trap, the blood of his wound stains my hand. But it doesn't seem broken, and surely not in spirit. Because as soon as he understands that he is free he turns around and bites in my hand, I can't react before he scuttles away. I look at my hand, I cannot regulate my breathing as tears well up in my eyes and oxygen gets stuck somewhere between my throat and my lungs. The blood of this creature and my own slowly becomes one, the same colour, the same country. Why did you bite the hand that freed you? I look up, it looks back once more, I wave and he turns around and leaves me there, alone, in the field. Nothing in sight anymore.

I collapse onto my knees, my body feels strange, it cannot support itself anymore. The breaths I take are quick and painless, but the cries I let out aren't. I can't stop trembling, my hands feel like a hot iron I don't know where to put them. I shake my head, it can't be, what can't be? Thrjel kneels down in front of me, he puts his forehead against yours.
"It'll be fine Xad, I am here."
I shake my head, what if it won't be. I tug on my collar, his voice echoes the words in and out. But what does it matter, I know how it is supposed to work. The problem is that it does not.
"Look at me." He whispers. I shake my head and then I hear his voice yell. "Just look at me!"
I follow his advice his eyes shoot friendly fire, to the sentimental soldier that I am. Why does that help? Why does anger help? Perhaps because it shows that he cares enough about me.
"Look at me Xad, look at me......" He grabs my arms tightly, his eyes full on tears "You made it out."
I nod as I look into his eyes, he wipes the blood still flowing from my cheekbone away.
"You're safe here, with me..... We will be alright.
I nod. "I'll just have to learn to be me again...."
"I will be there every step of the way."
"Pinky promise?"
"Pinky promise you mop stick."
I need him, I can't be without him.

It's strange, I can't exactly remember how I got back in the car. But somehow I did, and somehow my hands aren't trembling anymore. Somehow breathing isn't a fight anymore. And somehow my mind just ignores the reality I am in, instead of rubbing salt into wounds I have torn open. I must thank my mind for it, I must thank Thrjel for it. The way his hand has the right amount of weight as it sinks into my shoulder. He smiles, a small gesture that can go wrong or right every time he does it. But thankfully it is the right thing to for now.
"Any plans for the weeks that you don't have anything to do?" Sostrate asks, clearly trying to avoid talking about anything that might hurt. I smile, appreciating the concern.
"I want to show Thrjel my city, my childhood, but I don't know whether we will do that this summer."
He grabs my hand "We will see. I will always be ready to see another glimpse of you."
I shake my head "You're so sappy when you say things like that."
He chuckles and shakes his head. "What about you Thrjel?"
"Well, I do not want to hunt this summer. Also I really want to go to the beach this time around."
"We can arrange both of those things, as long as someone else will accompany me when I go hunting."
"I volunteer." I say with a smile.
"Than everything is arranged." She says as we turn into the driveway.

The house glows melancholically in the sun, even though it has the same details as the school had there's something much warmer about this house. Perhaps it's the fact that I know the people who live there, and that the people are warmer than a slow summer sun. I step out of the car, my hair is blown by the wind, not in a dangerous manner, or an aggressive one, but a curious one, as if it doesn't understand what to do to me. I walk around the car and open the boot. Thrjel grabs one of his bags and hands me mine but accidently turns it upside down. My whole life clatter on the ground, and it is devastatingly little, a few books, some notebooks, two extra uniforms, my homework, some hygiene stuff and my shaving set. I stare at it, my whole being can be destroyed so easily, I can be erased so willingly, my existence is so easily denied. Nobody to know me, nobody to remember me, nobody to ask who I was, or who I was meant to be. I stare at the small things admitting that I really am something, that I have a live, even if I haven't lived yet.

Thrjel picks them up. "I'm so sorry, I didn't see it was open."
"It's all good dear." I say with a smile as I help him and put them all back where they belong, hiding the evidence of myself. We walk to the door, both wearing the bags we have worn every day while we walked through the halls. These bags have almost seen the same as we have, the good, the bad, maybe not the cruelty. But if they could talk they would echo our own voices.
Sostrate opens the door, and I can hear more hustle and bustle in the house than I am used to. I put my bag down and look around, the same traditional flower carvings still paint the details of the house. I touch, following the grooves in the wood, I close my eyes and I am reminded of the woody scent of my fathers workshop. It's hard to think fondly of that time, I cannot separate from what came after. But I can still try. I open my eyes when I hear Thrjels voice saying something, but he isn't talking to me. He is talking to a young man, he is about five years older than I am. I stare at him as I realise what kind of person he is, I didn't know Thrjel grew up amongst staff, staff with eyes as green as mine, and hair darker than my own. I look at him and swallow away the breath stuck in my throat.
He looks at me and rubs the nape of his neck "They get a good salary Xad, mum can't do everything alone here."
"Would you hire them if they were Awnlunds?" I ask, I can hear anger cutting through my voice.
"Yes. Mum won't be young forever, she needs people to take care of her. Do you know how much time she isn't here when she doesn't have holidays."
I shake my head "I am sorry, I shouldn't have assumed." I stare at the man walking through the corridors. "What's his name?"
"Kathal. He is the son of the owner of the printing press. He is really nice, he helps mum with the cooking a lot, and he likes gardening."
I walk past him and look up, his eyes are focused on something else. I feel guilty in a strange way, I don't know why. Or maybe I know why but I don't want to know.

We walk into the kitchen and there is a feast standing on the table, perfectly arranged, everything looks incredibly delicious. Kathal puts glasses on the table and fills them with a drink that I am not familiar with. Sostrate looks at me, she chuckles.
"It's sparkling wine Xad. We always drink it when there is something to celebrate." She says with a smile.
"It's really good." Thrjel says as he holds it up. "Let's toast that we have gotten out of that place. Forever." He looks at me, his eyes longing and loving.
"Forever." I agree. We all take a sip from the wine and I can't help but cramp up my face, I do not think it is very delicious. But I will survive it, I see Thrjel laughing he knows I don't like it.
As I fill my plate I catch myself in the fact that I am not hungry at all. I want to be hungry and I will force myself to eat, because this food is impossibly good.

The food tastes just as good as it looks, it almost reminds me of how my mother used to cook. I could cfry every time I take a bite but instead I stare at Thrjel as he laughs beautifully after I told a joke, my heart feels alive again. It is easier to just focus on how beautiful he is, how beautiful life would be if he were the only one who made it up. I shake my head and take a sip of the wine, my hand twitches as I bring it to my mouth. I forgot what number of glasses of it I have had, Kathal keeps topping me off. I might've had enough, I mean my stomach is bursting even though I didn't finish the dessert.
"I am so tired!" Thrjel says as he stands up.
"I am going to bed too." Sostrate says but before she could go I jump up.
"Sostrate," I grab my bag and finally take the finished gun out of my bag. I give it to her, it doesn't make much sense to her yet, mostly because it just looks like a backpack right now.
"You need to push that golden button" I say while she stares it, full of confusion.
She pushes it and it changes to the perfectly designed rifle.
"I wanted to thank you in some way." I say with a smile.
She looks at me, her whole face is flabbergasted. "You made this?"
I nod.
"It's incredible," she says. "You made this? You should do something with this Xad. You could do something so incredible!"
I stand up and walk out of the room, I deny the tears as I hear Thrjel saying something. I'd like to something, but I cannot. I wipe a tear from my eye and sit down on the porch. The dark clouds of rain near the house. I sigh, I need to be able to do something. Why am I so paralysed?

I put the cigarette in between my lips and look for my lighter in my pockets when I realise I don't have it. Great, just great, I lose something of myself again. I take the cigarette out of my mouth and shake my head.
"You forgot your lighter." A heavy voice says, one I don't know. I turn around, Kathal hands me my engraved lighter.
"Do you enjoy working here?" I ask.
He chuckle, a deep breathy chuckle. "Not everything is a battle, nobody else would hire me. They thought I would steal their silverware. Since there weren't any Fíanlynds rich people anymore I didn't have work. I'm incredibly happy here, and we have good holiday days. Xad, right?"
"Yeah." I say with a smile as I light my cigarette.
"Haven't heard that name in a long time." He smiles. "It suits you, you remind me of my little brother."
I chuckle "Is that a compliment?"
His eyes darken with sadness "Most definitely." He stands up. "I shall leave you to it."
"Thank you Kathal."
He elegantly bows and walks away. I look at his hair, the sides buzzed like a high ranking Awnlund would do it, but the top still has the same curls that surrounded my childhood. He looks strange, like a mix between cultures that normally fight, I don't know whether I should like it or judge it.

I breathe out and the smoke has the same colour as the sky. I stare at the dark clouds coming for us, the rain falls, the sky cries. As I tap the ashes from my cigarette I feel my finger twitch, somehow my skin just itches from the inside out. I wonder if it would help if I would rip it off. The pitter patter on the rooftop is calm in the most chaotic way I have imagined, I put my cigarette back in my mouth and scoot closer to the edge of the porch, I extend my hand, as the cold water touches it it reminds me of the heater and the pain I have felt, but this time they aren't made of coal, they're made of diamonds. The water trickles down my arm and greets my elbow. I admire its patience, and resilience.
"Xad?" Sostrate sits down next to me "Thrjel explained it to me."
I sigh and stare into the nothingness of nature. She takes a sip of the flask and sighs too.
"I am sorry, I didn't know how bad it is for you."
I shake my head and chuckle, tears flood my eyes. "I hardly know if that is the thing that is hurting me." I rub my arm, trying to get rid of the harmful itchiness. "It feels like I am on the outside, and instead of looking in, I am completely looking through my body. I.... I don't matter anymore."
"You know Xad, not everything you say is because you've been wrong. There is also part that might just feel like that because you're young. You still need to find yourself." She says as she hands me the flask. The alcohol burns my throat as it extinguishes my tears.
I clear my throat. "They never gave me the freedom to find myself, and they will never give me it. It's how they keep us small Sostrate, I have seen enough lives smothered to know how it works."
She nods "You're right, you know more about these things than I do."
I chuckle and shake my head "Not that I would like to know..." I wipe a tear from my cheek and take another sip.
"Hey, don't drink all of my good whiskey." She says with a smile. "You know Xad, sometimes we are born in ways that make us different according to the world. And it is not fair, but it is true."
I look her up and down "You are an Awnlundish, beautiful, and your daddy was rich. You were born the most fortunate, with all due respect."
She smiles "How many female doctors do you know Xad?"
"I.... never thought about that." I say as I shake my head.
"Of course not, you are a man, men don't think about what a woman might want. What she can't get."
I cover my face with my hands "But you succeeded. I just fail over and over again."
"Do you think I haven't failed? But I never gave up, I will never give up, because I know what I am worth and I was surrounded with people who saw it too. So find those people, surround yourself with opportunity, with ambition. Because it is stuck within you Xad, and you will find a way to get it out."
"Do you really think so?" I ask.
"I know so."
I chuckle and shake my head "Even if that is all sorted out I am still not okay. Because I am afraid, and at the same time I am guilty."
"What do you mean Xad?"
I take a deep breath and avoid all eye contact she tried to make. "Even if I was reasonable that school came close to killing me, and not suffocating, they actively tried to get rid of me." I lick my lips and close my eyes, with a trembling voice I go on. "And I left someone there that I care about. And he isn't as strong as I was when I first came there. He is going to break, and I don't know what that'll mean to him. How could I have ever left him there?"
She grabs my hand "What were you supposed to do? You are a kid Xad, you can't save someone from the life you have suffered, nobody saved you did they?"
I shake my head "It's not the same, I wasn't worth saving. He is, and he needs to know that."
"Xad, darling, however much you love this kid, you didn't abandon him in the first place. And if it weren't an insane thing to try to get him out you would've done it. But they almost killed you, and if you will try to get a student out of their school they will kill you this time..."
"That doesn't make it feel better."
"But it will never feel better Xad."
"Wow... that's really reassuring." I say with a laugh.
"I mean it." He blue eyes reflect the grey better than my own. You can see how awful the world is feeling through it. "I thought I did the right thing by bringing Thrjel to that school. He would have so many more opportunities if he would just be.... Like me." I feel my breath stop as I am called the others once more. "But I realised that I was erasing half of him. I took away the possibility to have a healthy sense of self from him. He lost so much because I wasn't ready to put in the work into understanding. He lost himself, and found it again. But the pieces he lost he will never be able to find anymore. Or at least I thought so, then you came around. And you were everything I couldn't be for Thrjel, you were bright, fiercely proud of where you come from, and aware of everything that has been set up against people like you. You were what I was too cowardly to be."
I swallow away the lump in my throat. I can't believe she thinsk so highly of me.
"But the guilt that I had sent him to a school where they actively hurt kids never settled. And I will deserve it if it never will."
"That's not true." I sputter.
"There's no need to lie Xad, I have accepted the consequences. But with you it's different, you cannot safe this boy, or at least not yet. You have tried hard enough."
A tear streams down my face and one of my hands starts to tremble. "I just want to make a difference."
"You're not ready for it yet Xad, and maybe the world isn't either. People like you will be afraid to go out on the streets, because they don't know when they will be accused of something they didn't do, or something they did do, but shouldn't have been a crime. Nobody is supposed to feel like that, but it has been programmed into your mind Xad. First people need to get the courage to risk it. But until then, preserve yourself. Get ready. Be as brave as you have shown before." She grabs my hand and grabs something else. "As a woman the night is the scariest, and so I always have company when I go out. I think you should follow that rule too."
"Company?" I ask but before I can ask any other question she puts a small handgun on my palm. I stare at it. The compact weapon looks safe, it looks like something I need. I put it back in her hand. "An insubordinate can't own guns. If they find out I will hang."
"Then don't get found out xad." She winks.
She is right, I have a right to feel safe on the streets. I tilt my head and grab the gun, I will be very careful with it. There should never be more violence than asked for.
"One day you might understand Xad, I don't think they're right. But humans must have a good reason to be cruel." She stands up and puts out her cigarette in an ashtray.
"I don't believe that. Nothing could drive somebody to this. I will never get it, I will never be like them, I won't look a woman in her eyes as I line up the boys who need to be shot. "
She stares at me. I think she knows I am not just choosing some random happening to say this. She knows I have seen it, and maybe she has too.
"That was a good talk wasn't it Xad."
"Yes sostrate."
She smiles "What did I say about that."
I nod "I remember...."
"I think we should go to bed Xad." She says as she walks towards the door. "Oh and another tip, next time you are near a doctor make more effort to hide your withdrawal symptoms." The heavy door shuts behind her. I cannot breathe, how did she know?