Living feels like a sin. Not to mention that it doesn't feel like living, I stumble in and out of days without any good reason or happiness. What does it matter anymore, I am powerless, words that leave my mouth don't have a meaning or a reason. I keep myself busy and avoid talking, thankfully Thrjel seems to understand. Or at least he tries, he is too good for me isn't he? I swallow the lump in my throat that's probably just made out of air, I'm looking at the sunset, the place where Kuon sat the last time I spoke to him feels tragically empty, and so does my head. I sigh and look at the people down in the garden, on one side I see the children trying to study with this beautiful weather. And when I stand up and walk to the other side of the ledge I can see the private garden of the headmaster, and I can taste defeat, and anger. But this time I see the headmaster and he is playing with a dog, a shepherd of some kind. I tilt my head and look how lovingly he pets this creature. He handles it with far more care than he has ever handled any child at this school. He must love that dog, the humanity written in his movements make me smile, but also cause my mind to go somewhere that might be a stupid decision. I look at the loving way he pets the dog and wonder if his son might've felt the same love, or if he might hate his father just as much as we do. How could someone like this perform such atrocities towards humans but fall in love with an animal, what does an animal have that humans lack? I smile and find the answer, they don't have their own ideas. Maybe I should teach him a lesson one way or another.... I really should. I stand up and walk back into the room.

I stare at the razor as I wonder if it's a good idea to think this through. I shake my head and put it in my pocket, avoiding eye contact with the mirror in front of me. I walk back onto the roof and look down, I wonder how hard it'll be to climb down, I chuckle and remind myself that years ago I was able to scale a church with the tallest tower of the country. I crack my knuckles and start to descend, my hands instinctively remember where to find the edges. It feels like I am still wearing the leather fingerless gloves of my childhood, I faintly hear the laugh of Dywaîn. I should not have remembered that, I feel my hand slip from the rough surface opening my skin. The dog is lying in the tranquil field and when I fall into the gras and gasp, trying to ignore the pain in my back, he stands up to investigate. Its movements are slow and peaceful, as if it doesn't know hostility. The dog licks my face and I can't help but smile, but when I kneel I can see his eyes, the eyes are as blue as they get. The dog looks me deep into my eyes and I feel the hatred for the blue eyes of it's owner as I grab the razor out of my pocket. I pet the dog and smile.
"This is not your fault... but he deserves to be hurt." I lean in and put the razor to the neck of the beautiful dog. I will do it quickly, it won't hurt the creature, only its cruel owner. I have already killed one animal, a second will not condemn me any more than I already am. My hand trembles and the dog quits panting, he tilts his head and instead of any awnlund he only reminds me of Thrjel, and what thrjel said, this dog hasn't done anything wrong, I have no right to hate it. I lower the razor and tilt my head with tears in my eyes "Why should you be punished for somebody else's mistakes?" I ask the dog and stand up, putting the razor back in my pocket. The dog puts its nose on my leg as if he is asking something but I am not quite sure what it might want.

"Are you fond of dogs too Xad?"
I turn around, the headmaster emerges from the house and I can feel my heart racing in my ears. But he doesn't walk up to me, he walks to the dog and crouches. He pets him lovingly and the dog groans with happiness.
"You can pet him xad." He says as he guides my hand to the dog and I look at this man, unwilling to believe this is the same cruelty driven man who has killed people like me. The soft fur of the dog caress my hand and transfers its warmth, I close my eyes and see scruff and bear in front of me.
"I am fond of dogs." I say with a smile as I pet the pet.
"I can see that Xad... I thought you were more of a cat person." He says with a chuckle. It surprises he would joke that lightly about something that might set me off. But I don't respond, I just focus on the dog.
"I didn't have much choice..." I chuckle, surprised those words leave my mouth. "We used to have two dogs when I was young. They were larger than I was, they were incredibly nice, they had a golden heart."
"Were they gray and scruffy?" He asks and I look at him with a frown as I nod. "Those are Fianlunders, A hunting dog that was cross bred with Fianlynd wolves. The nicest hounds anywhere, but if you threaten their family they can kill a bear."
"A lot of them were killed during the official occupation." I say as I hug the dog.
"I did not know that Xad." He says while he sits down on the lawn.
I nod, "They were a symbol of our country. And they were a way of making us even more afraid of you." I say with a sigh.
"I am so sorry about your dog's Xad." He puts his hand on my shoulder and I immediately jerk away. I look at him, my eyes flutter and I try to keep breathing, I turn my back on him and put my own hands around my neck, brushing everything there might be stuck there, or in there off. I feel his hand on my shoulder again and immediately turn around, my breathing is heavy as I stare at him, wondering if he doesn't understand that I am deathly afraid of him. I shake my head and keep backing away.
"Is everything alright Xad?"
I look him up and down and the blood of Kuon flashes through my mind as it is stuck on his hands. I shake my head and swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry sir. I shouldn't have..." I run back into the school.

My brain cannot comprehend anything while it keeps my body moving forward. Humanity in someone I saw as a monster. How is it possible that he doesn't hate me when I pet his dog but he almost kills me when I have the kindness of having a pet of my own. I cannot rhyme or reason with this. I bump into someone and fall back, I grumble in anger as I fall on the hard tiles.
"Look where you're walking." I hiss.
"You were the one running mopstick." Thrjel says as he offers his hand, and I don't have the energy to avoid it. "Where were you?"
I shrug "Planned to kill a dog, now I wonder if I am worse than our headmaster...."
"What do you mean?" He asks as we start walking to his dorm.

I briefly explain what happened and when I finish he looks at me with an expression I am not quite familiar with.
"What the actual...." He starts. "How does he think he can casually talk to you like that...."
I shrug "Do you think I might've finally earned his respect?" I ask, trying to disguise my hopeful tone. "Xad, don't hope. You'll only disappoint yourself. I think he might be manipulating you."
I sigh "It sounds so stupid, I hate him for everything he did but in some twisted way I really want his approval. I want to be an Awnlund.... Everything would be so much easier. And then I remember my culture and my family and then I hate myself for saying that...."
He puts his arm around me "We should go to bed dear, it's been proven that grief takes a lot of energy."
"Thrjel?" I ask.
"Hm?"
"When do you think I will stop hating myself?'
He smiles and tilts his head "When you can see yourself through my eyes. Now go brush your teeth."

Thrjel is right. It takes a lot of energy to stay awake lately. Even though the last lessons before the exams are really interesting I find myself often half asleep. My brain is constantly thinking about things that don't matter and every day when I visit the grave of Kuon reality hits me again, he isn't here, and his grave has been turned into a propagandic warning sign. The anger is calm, seething, beautiful, like lava you'd like to touch. Thrjel has proposed that we should make our own cross for him, he could do that in his carpentry lessons. I appreciate the idea, and I appreciate the fact that Thrjel is here for me, but everything that I want to do about this dilemma will only make things worse for me. And I don't want to sacrifice my exams, it's in two weeks already. And so I am just sitting here in the class of professor Wells, hating her stupid blue eyes and listening to her lecture about nothing that matters. But most of all it's about what will happen once we have our exams, that our diploma's will say that we have been reintegrated, which will mean that we will have more universities to choose from, a pit in my stomach tells me that it can't be that easy. They wouldn't hand a convict a golden ticket to a better education would they?

"How fortunate are you right?" She said and I hear agreeable sighs and see nods. But I personally would like to throw up, fortunate to be different, fortunate to have our honesty erased, fortunate to become others.....
I feel Thrjels hand encapsulate mine and I sigh in relief as I stop trembling. He looks at me briefly and nods, I know he understand, and never if he doesn't he will always try. I can't explain the state I am in, it feels like I am falling asleep while I am wide awake. I want to tell someone but telling people something gets old fast, it doesn't help, and it exhausts me. I look out of the window, the grave is easy to see from this classroom. A lump appears in my throat, this death is different than my other friends, my other friends were pronounced dead, some might still be alive but I forgot what hope was. The only people I know have been confirmed were my mum, and my sister. It feels the same, this time I'm at fault again, I haven't become a better human, I am still who I am, what I am. I stare at the chalkboard ad realise that I might just be a kid, maybe I see myself as a saviour that I will never be. The ego of intelligence, or is that foolishness. A wasp flies in through the opens window and its buzz feels louder than the humming about the greatness of the country I will never belong to. It's colours are brighter than I am comfortable with, why isn't it grey like the rest of the classroom, like my skin, like my hair, it's cruel to boast about how fortunate you are when we know the truth wasp. But perhaps wasps are cruel.
I am waken from my senseless slumber when Professor Wells slams a glass on the table, trapping the wasp. I look at it while it panics and wonder how mad it is. She could've released him couldn't she?

"Alright boys," She says "Lastly I want to stand still by the unfortunate demise of your friend Kuon. It must've been very hard to hear how he gave up...."
I frown, gave up? How does she think he died? Even if he did die that way he wouldn't have given up.
"But I am certain he would want all of you to remember what the school has taught his so diligently." She sighs, as if a porcelain doll with too much money for her own good could have emotions. "He would want you to remember this: Obedience over all."
The noisy classroom suddenly falls silent, and I feel my whole body tense up as if it's getting ready to fight. I want to stand up but Thrjel pushes me back down.
"Keep it together." He whispers.
I look at him "It could've been me Thrjel, would you tell him to keep it together than too?" I ask. I stand up. "Fuck obedience." I mumble as I walk past her and out of the classroom.
"Xad. XAD!" I hear but I just ignore it and let my anger reign freely for the first time in years. They caused this anger, now they will have to deal with it. His hand spins me around.
"If you know what's good for you, you will stop following me now Thrjel."
He looks at me, his eyes betray the smile he paints over his disappointment as he nods.
"It's not that I don't want your help, but one grave is already too many." I say with a smile.
"What about your grave?" He asks.
"I don't wish a grave...." I say as I turn around.
"What's that supposed to mean!" He screams.
"JUST LISTEN." I say as I calmy walk through the halls.

My plan is simple and clear in my head. My anger is chaotic and burning through my soul. My common sense has disappeared. I walk into the laboratory and greet one of my professors with a forced grin and as I open the storeroom of the laboratory, I look through the several pots of different chemicals, one more dangerous than others, and even though some feel more tempting than others I know what I am looking for, and rational anger is even better than the chaotic kind. I find the thing I am looking for and put the pot in my bag. I casually walk to my locker in the lab and grab my respirator and my goggles. I calmly say goodbye to the professor and I work up a chuckle when he makes a bad joke.

My expression changes and my stomach turns as I walk up the stairs determined in my foolishness. Did Kuon feel this when he performed his last act of resistance, was it his last? Or his first? As I ascend the stairs my boots mimic the soldiers I used to hate and my back hurts from walking upright, arrogantly, the way I was punished for. I start to run, no one is pursuing me but my own doubt, my own intellect, I hear my own voice echoing what I said to him. You will get yourself killed. I might, maybe Thrjel is right. But maybe I would already be dead when I would not have ignored my duty to save Kuon. If I were ever the angel Thrjel called my wings which had been doused in tar are now finally burning. But at least I will set them alight.

The hallway is shockingly silent as I drag my feet over the ground, My fear for that room almost overruling my anger. I stop in from of the heavy metal door, the words of this damned institution plastered over the front. Obedience over all. Don't fool yourself, you will never be free of our spirits.... Of hope, we are children, we are not yet disillusioned. You cannot make us love the country that has taught us hate exists. I open the door and feel a smile dawn on my face, I can't technically understand what it means. Maybe my soul is relishing the imagined power I might have. The metal door falls back into his shape and I stare at the torture chamber that they call the integration room. No matter when you enter the school as insubordinate you have two months of reintegration lessons here. It's simple, you're rewarded for being obedient, and punished for being fianlynds. The blunt concrete walls are plastered with historical paintings showing the beauty of Awnlund, the wealth, the war, the wisdom. I can only see the red in the painting where they have emerged victorious out of one of their countless wars. And at the end of the box of concrete, completely numbing the human mind, devoid of sunlight, and happiness there it is plastered again. This time on beautiful old papyrus, those cursed words that have made my friend a martyr for the other side, a side he hated just as much as I did. And not that hatred can come to fruition, it's perfectly rational, it's perfectly cruel, it's perfectly harmless. I rum my hand over the cold walls stained with red of children, I remember the stains I have made, my other hand runs over the wooden tables that are rotting away. I reach out at the banner and rip it from it's place. I stare at it and the anger burns in my throat, but I don't know if it is disguising sadness. How could they have done this to us? What is so wrong with us? With him? With me? Why is obedience taught with violence? Why must I learn to listen with a gun to my head when I could listen to please? Why is please such a hard thing to do? Why am I not good enough? Why is it okay to give up a life for obedience! That is not obedience, that is fear!
I rip the banner apart, the piece of paper fly around like depressed confetti. Condemned confetti. I shake my head and collect my anger into actions. I grab the pot and stare at it, magnesium powder, highly flammable, useful in several things that we do in the school, but also useful when it comes to anger. I spread the powder over the classroom and walk to the door. I look at the history of Awnlund reflected on the walls and the headmasters face plastered next to it, the arrogance of this institution even exceeds the arrogance of the land itself. I smile and I put on my respirator and the goggles I use for welding. I look down and light a part of the banner on fire, I stare at it for a while the fire eats obedience as if defies it. Like I do, like Kuon did before me. I drop the spark into the powder and relish as the bright white light exceeds my best expectations, it immediately sets the wooden chairs ablaze, it eats the history of a country I will never belong to, and it warm my face, the flames lick the concrete walls and travel to the roof begging for the sunlight to be let in. I look up and close my eyes letting my mind enjoy the destruction it deserved in peace.
But then the heat feels alarming, and though I couldn't be happier I do get out of the classroom.

When I enter the hallway the sprinkler start going off, I chuckle and wonder what idiot would forget to shut the sprinklers of a specific room before considering vandalism. Only the sprinklers of this wing are going off so I know I need to rush out of here if I don't want to be caught but I don't know if running is the right thing to do. When I suddenly hear someone calling my name. I look over my shoulder, it is one of the cleaners I curse between my teeth and start to run. My soaked hair is preventing me from sweating but my heart is racing everywhere it can reach. I see the door I was aiming for and try to open it, I feel a tear in my eye as I realise that it's locked. I turn around and remember how I was raised, my fist raise themselves into position and an arrogant smirk appears. Fake it till you make it. Even though this guy is about twice my size, he has a lot more weight to carry, and a lot more chances to fall. If I am quick, I concentrate on my rhythm as I avoid his crude moves, and if you just throw your hand one way or another it's quite easy. I almost begin to enjoy it, even though it's hard not to slip on the wet floor.
"What do we say that you guys dig your own graves this time." I joke as I hit him again.
"XAD LOOK OUT!" I hear, I look at the noise and see Thrjel just in time to feel a knee in my back driving me to the ground. I forgot the door.... He pushes his knee onto my back and I cry out. I can faintly hear Thrjel protesting but I only focus on cursing out the man sitting on a back that's more fragile than his ego. I wonder if he finally feels powerful, does doing something for the great awnlund make you a God? I spit on the ground and curse him again, trying to break free from his grip that is crushing my spin even further, this time I just use my own language.
"Give me the syringe!" He says to the other one.
I feel tears in my eyes, I can't die in a dumb way like that. "Please!" I hear my own voice say, and it even sound frightened, am I frightened? I stop breathing as the other helps restraining and I hear Thrjel crying in the background, the sting is frightening and I feel myself getting drowsy as I whisper the words I swore not to use again. "I am sorry..."

The veil of the dreaming is thicker than I imagined. Or perhaps this is the ending of it all, I can't quite make out if I am frightened or relieved. I open my eyes and see a field blackened by smoke and ashes of fire, I wonder if I am the reason of the angrily consuming flames. Have I caused all this destruction? When will I finally find peace? Am I a man of war? Is my soul made of conflict.
"Xad?" A young familiar voice says. I turn around and scan over the burned trees and grass, not far from me I see two children standing. I walk closer inspecting the faintly familiar faces. The sickly little girl points at the beautiful woman drowning in a pool of her own blood, my numb face feels cold even though the heat tries to break through. I wish I could forget that face, the beauty of her features and the kindness of her dimples. My mum didn't deserve to have a son like me.
"It's your fault." My little sister says to my young self as I stand by helplessly. He wipes the blood off his face and looks at her, remembering her sick figure in all its vividness, all its cruelty. I look at the boy with his helpless eyes, his violent eyes, his dutiful eyes, his hideous face, and the beauty of his features if not poisoned by prejudice as he turns to me. I know what he is going to say, I know the truth he will speak. I know the truth I tell myself. And I will never know I that is a lie.
"It's your fault." He says, cleansing himself of all of the blood that is not his. I nod as I wonder if I am allowed to cry now that I have the freedom of death. He grabs my hands and shows them to me. The stains have been engraved into my skin, I have never seen the damage I have done to others, to myself. Maybe they were right, maybe I deserved it. But why couldn't they be honest with me? I run my fingers through the smooth red liquid, the warmth alarms me, I thought I had forgiven myself already. I thought this happened long ago. I thought so much that might not be true.

When I look up the only one in this wasteland is the corpse of my mother and a fox. I tilt my head and wonder why they like to lick up the blood. I kneel in front of it carefully approaching it, I tilt my head to see the relaxed expression as the animal consumes the red liquid. It doesn't look malignant, it looks like it's meticulously cleaning up the shit I have made. It's green eyes reflect the light with the same glowing spots I know from Thrjel. All of a sudden the fox turns around, as if his work is done here. I follow the beast, eager to know what it means, what it is, what it means to me, and who it might be. The pursuit can't harm me, I must've done this before, or at least my body recalls something not unlike it. I run through the woods, the trees are made out of coal and the heat hurts if you touch them, there must be a reason for this. The fox's fur disappears in the light of the embers. My lungs collapse as I run off a hill trying to keep the pace that keeps my mind from overflowing. My knees protest and my body shakes with urgency. I can only focus on the rhythm in which the air is leaving my body and I feel my body falling forward, my knees give in and I land with my hands on the ground, My ribs crush my chest. I close my eyes and try to fight the tears that even exist in heaven.....

I feel a strange weight in my hand as a gust of wind plays with my hand. I open my eyes again and see the green grass under one of my hands, the other is holding a Shepards crook, it's weathered wood feels natural, just like the grass, it feel peaceful, it feels like it's supposed to feel like. What it used to feel like, no dry yellow patches, but a field full of blessed green. I look up, I cannot see the fox anywhere. I shield my face from the brightness of dawn, the field is stretched out across acres. This is what I imagined an afterlife like. I briefly check my hands and all I see are the scars of my life, no blood, no sin, only goodness? I look at the flowers as I stand up, my hands trail across the honeysuckle and foxglove, their colours illuminated by the rays that look more golden than I remember. I look up and see someone staring at the sunrise, their hair is beautifully copper in the light. The shy curls bounce around as he nervously dances around. Is he waiting for someone? For me perhaps? Is this my angel? Do guardian angels exist. Is that a stupid question? I don't know. I lean on the Shepards crook, my pain seems relieved, not gone yet, but relieved. I walk to the figure, hoping it is who I know it is, who I would know in any universe, in any heaven, in any hell.
"What are you doing here?" I say but my own voice feels foreign.
His face is hard to recognise as he turns his face, I can only see his profile, but he is holding a foxglove and looks lovingly at the flower.
"I came to say goodbye." He answers.
"But you're here... join me." I whisper, reaching my hand to the beauty that I hesitate to know.
He sighs and shakes his head "My friend is gone, he passed away. I wish I could tell him how I love him. I loved you each day. I wish he knew that, the terrible sting, the terrible scar. I can wait, but I can't give up. He ran away, I ran away. I have wasted this love, he has wasted his rage. I wish I could tell him I love him each day."
"Thrjel..." I whisper. I take another step but feel myself falling through the ground, I can only make peace with my fate....

My eye have a hard time opening themselves as they struggle against the light. The blurred imagine appears in front of me as I languidly move my head, the halo of the gorgeous angel is more blessed than the most heavenly thing I could have ever imagined. For the first time in years my body does not hurt at all, the relaxation is so whole that I don't even have to think about breathing. The angel grabs my hand and caresses it for a moment, his smile is clear even though I cannot see as the sun hides his face.
"Is it time already?" I ask, my voice is hoarse and weaker than I'd like it to be.
The laugh from the angel is genuine, and I seem to know it well, it feels like home. "Time for what mopstick?" He asks and Thrjel smiles at me. His blue eyes reflect the light back to me and he lovingly places his hand on my cheek. "You kept me waiting dear."
I look around, I am lying in the hospital wing of the school. I roll my eyes and lie back down, not certain whether to be happy or not about this. I sink back into the pillow and slowly blink again.
"How long was I out?" I ask.
"They kept you asleep three days." He says, he bites his lip as if he is somehow embarrassed.
"Did you miss me?" I ask with a chuckle.
"I was here the whole time." He confesses.
I smile, how flattering that he thought I would need him to be here. "You could use a shower, I can smell you from here, you dimwit." I joke.
He checks under his armpits and shrugs. "You seem strangely cheerful."
I nod "My back doesn't hurt."
"They used morphine to get you to sleep. It's a heavy painkiller Xad." He says, he sounds serious.
"What happened?" I ask.
"You don't remember the fire?" He asks.
I shake my head "That's not a reason to sedate me is it?"
He shrugs, they claimed you had a bad burn. I didn't see it that day.... I don't know Xad."
I nod, they just wanted to get rid of me, even if it was for a few days. I honestly don't blame them. I don't see why they wouldn't get rid of me forever. But perhaps it would be easy for people to see that it wasn't an accident. Thrjel sits down on the bed and sighs.
"So.... How are you feeling?" He asks as he lies down next to me, his heavy arm isn't a burden for the first time. I close my eyes as I put my head against his chest.
"I'm doing well, I am really doing well. As I said nothing hurts, I feel more alive than I have done in a long time."
"That's good to hear Xad. By the way, someone is waiting for you."
I perk up "Who?" I ask, a healthy mix between worry and surprise.
"Cyaren. He was afraid you were dead, just like Kuon. I could hardly console him....."
I chuckle "Get him, it's better that he sees me."
"Are you sure? You don't look...." He hesitates.
"Beautiful?" I ask.
"You always look beautiful." He chuckles and shakes his head. "So you're certain?"
"More than certain." I say as he stand up and walks out.

I look around me and relinquish in the light of the sun. I see a bottle at the table next to the bed, I grab the bottle and read the label. Morphine, the thing that has caused me to forget the pain that I thought I would never forget. Why did they put it here, no one is around, temptation is stronger than common sense, and so is the lack of pain. I grab the bottle and put it under the bed as swiftly as I can, I will decide how foolish I am at a later date.

Cyaren runs into the room.
"Xad!!!" He says as he runs to me. I smile and open my arms, he jump onto the bed and hugs me with interestingly much power. My back slams against the steel back of the bed and my eyes widen, but I just hug him.
"Hey little one." I say as I pet his hair.
"I thought you were gone too Xad... I thought you were... like Kuon." He whispers, he looks down and then back up "BUT you're not!"
I pet his cheek with gratitude and nod. "You know I won't be here after the exams right?"
"Good! Then I still have some weeks!" he says with a bright smile. A smile that hasn't given up, a smile that I couldn't even imagine. I nod and look at him before looking at Thrjel, he is wearing the exact same smile. I wish I had one too.