How frustrating is it when your life hands you everything to be succesful?
I wouldn't know.

Life is far from perfect, and my life is even further from it. And I love my life, who am I to ask for more? This is what I have begun to love, I will be the best to ever be in this life.
But lying has never been my strong side. I do ask for more, I ask to be normal.

When I was young my mother told me a story about my father, she told me that his dad had killed himself when he was six, just like he had done to me, and his father before that, and his father before that, and his father before..... I decided than and there never to have kids, so I would not have to part ways. But apart from that, I do not have any chance of being a father, I haven't been out of this estate since I was six.

My mother has always valued safety and so when dad died we were forbidden to leave the property. I understand, of course I understand my mother. I would always follow her advice, I trust her blindly, even if that makes me incredibly lonely. I understand, I understand, I understand, I UNDERSTAND!!!!! I ALWAYS UNDERSTAND. STOP IT Octavius! Take a deep breath.

I walk down the stairs I avoid the white tiles on the floor to keep my mind busier than it normally is. Now that I've finished school there is absolutely nothing exciting about living, the luxury that is mine can't be used half the time. We could go to some faraway land but because my mother is frightened I need to read about it, close my eyes, and pretend I can imagine what it is like there. But I cannot even imagine what it is like to be in a room full of people. The only people I talk to are the help and my mother. I'm leaving,.... I am leaving..... SHUT UP OCTAVIUS!

I enter the kitchen to grab a pomegranate. I see my mother sitting at the table, her head in her hands.
"Good morning mum." I say, interrupting her tears with a voice that would be better suited for a twelve year old.
She looks up and wipes her tears. I take a pomegranate from the bowl and sit down across the table.
"I am sorry you have to see me like this Octavius." She says as she wipes her eyes.
I smile to myself while she doesn't look. As if I do not see her like that all the time. I break open the pomegrenate and it the red insides show like the heart I hide, or the consequences of a grenade.
"It's alright mum" I say with a faint smile (it's always alright, it's always alright, SHUT UP), looking her up and down, she still always wears her black clothes. I don't even remember her in colourful clothes. I look at her beautiful white hair and her blue eyes, she painfully reminds me of my brother, if he would have had white hair he would be her doppelganger. My brother.... I look down and see how the red pomegrante juice spills over my hand like blood.
"It's your birthday." My mother says.
I sigh "I am aware."
She caresses my cheek and I can't help but stop breathing.
"18 years young..... even my last son is starting to leave me." she says with that conniving glance in her eyes.
I put my hand on hers and smile while closing my eyes, accidentally letting a tear escape.
"I won't mum, I'll stay with you till the end."
"I know my baby, I know, Octavius.... as you should" She says as she stands up and leaves the kitchen.

SUFFOCATING, SUFFOCATING,SUFFOCATING, SHUT UP OCTAVIUS!
I break the peel of the pomegranate as my whole body tenses up. Eighteen years, twelve years on this estate, six years alone, it has been enough, enough, enough.....SHUT UP! I slam my fists on the table.
"Everything alright master Octavius?" Remington asks.
I am startled by him but I just smile and shake my head.
"You know, your brother used to do that a lot..." He says.
"SHUT UP!!!" I scream, this time out loud. 

I run away, back to my room. I don't want to talk to anyone today. Not that you normally do. SHUT UP!!

I close my door and open the window. I take a deep breath as I imagine what life is like in the normal world. SHUT UP! I sit down on the windowsill like my brother used to do and swing my legs out of the window. II take a deep breath as I light my cigarette. I shake my head and burn my hand to feel something, just cry octavius, just cry. I sigh and shake my head, again and again. As if I want to forget everything about myself, everything, everything, everything,. SHUT UP!

I leave the room and enter the one of my brother. I haven't been here for a long time. I remember the last time I was here. He was packing his bags, he seemed strangely down, my brother was never sad, he always found a way to be brave, his normally tidy long hair was knotted and almost seemed to curl.
"Magnus?" I asked.
He turned around and his tears disappeared as he feigned a smile.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I ...... I am leaving Octav." He said as he walked to me and hugged me.
"What? but.... mum."
"Fuck her, this life is killing me, it is killing my spirit and my creativity." He said as he put on his oversized leather jacket.
"She's going to be devastated. Not to mention how dangerous it is to be in the outside world." I said, clutching the bedpost.
He shrugged and I noticed a weird wound on his neck.
"What happened." I ask. He smiled and looked me in the eye with a morbidity I had never seen. My brother was crashing down to the earth like icarus who could not avoid it.
"She is killing me." He said slowly
I could not respond, my heart was torn between trust and love. I would go with my brother if I knew my mother would be alright. But she wouldn't be, and my brother, he could survive everything. He was the strongest person I knew, he could have carried the heavens on his back and atlas would be jealous of the ease he did it with.
"I'm staying." I whispered in silence.
"I am not. I'm sure I will be a rockstar if I leave this. I'll get to know the world. I will send you letters."
"I hate you." I said while I turned my back on the beaten boy who had just found his voice.
"I love you Octavius." He yelled while I ran back to my room.
He did leave, he left. He left me, helplessly. A week later my mother told me he died of a drug overdose, he never sent me a letter. My mum was right. But the last thing I had said to my brother is that I hated him. I didn't......

And now, my birthday is nothing more than another glum reminder of my imprisonment. My brother was right. She isn't saving us, she is killing us, or worse. I would love to be dead, it seems like something exciting. I look at his messy room. It's like it is waiting for him, not knowing of his untimely demise, it has beautiful hope. It has the intuition that their owner will return, like a dog laying on a grave. If they stay long enough, they will join them..... with dogs it is quite true, but a room is less lucky.
"You and me both." I whisper to it.
I look at the carkeys on the desk and smile, how hard could it be?

I feel the keys jingling in the pocket of my dark green suit jacket as I tie the pussybow of the blouse and excitedly walk down the stairs. After a whole day of doing nothing I know that my mother must be sleeping, she always sleeps early, since my brother ran away at least.
"Going somewhere Octavius?" The voice of Remington asks.
"No...." I say as I turn around
He hands me an envelope, "This one arrived today master, have fun." He says with a smile.
I smile and grab the envelope and open it as I run out of the door. 

I know you do not want to talk Octavius. But happy eighteenth birthday. I hope you consider coming.

I look at the ticket to a concert and a map of the city near the estate. I smile and step into the old porsche of my brother, this one used to be from my father but it was always meant for his oldest son. And right now, I am.

I arrive at the venue and it is extremely packed. I manage to park the car not too far away and walk towards the venue. I look around, the streetlights look like christmas lights to me, bringing excitement and happiness. I take a breath of free air without the smell of dust that has been eating up the house for decades.

I show my ticket and they let me through. I see a lot of banners with the name Carte Blanche on it. I seem to be a little late as I try to get to the front of the crowd and surprisingly I succeed. I look at the stage. 

"WELCOME TO THE STAGE!!!!! CARTE BLANCHE" An announcer says
A young man from twenty sprints onto the stange, his elegant nature and bold stride remind me of someone. His short hair is longer in the back, oh yeah they call that a wolfcut and the ends are dyed dark green. His right ear is full of jewelery just like his hand. He is wearing a surprisingly understated outfit. A simple white formal shirt, a green tie, wide black pants, platform combat boots and a leather jacket in the shape of a suit jacket.
He waves to the audience, revealing the tattoos on his arms.

"Hi everybody! It's been a minute since I've performed at a venue of less than two thousand. But today...." He sighs "Today is a special day for me." He says while putting his earpiece in place and grabbing a dark green fender that perfectly matches his tie.
He starts playing, I close my eyes and I am carried by the melody to dreams and happiness.
"This one goes out to everyone feeling stuck in the place they are." He says as he touches his black hair.

The music is beautiful. It is a strange form of melodic rock, it is more beautiful than anything i've heard. He sounds like a modern version of Bowie, no disrespect to Bowie, but this kid is amazing. He just knows what he's doing, his lyrics hit me right in the gut and the melodies range from infuriating to joyous to sad. There is so much love and care put in these songs.

"Alrighty, so we are almost done." He says checking all his equipment and taking a sip of water. "So....hmm," He looks around. "You know what, it's such a small venue. Who's birthday is today? And no lies!" He says with a chuckle. I put up my hand, he looks at the crown and lingers on my hand.
"You! The one in the green jacket. Come on up," I feel my heart beating in my throat as I walk up to the stage and he helps me up the stage.
I look at the green eyes of the boy and recognise them. We walk back to middle of the stage when I catch a glimpse of a scar on his throat.
"Alright everybody. Let's sing happy birthday." He says with a smile that could make ice melt, that could make somebody love themselves again, that could revitalise hope.
"So how old are you now?" He asks.
"18 years old." I say with a smile.
"What's your name?" He asks
"Octavius." I say with a smile.
All of a sudden I see tears in the eyes of carte blanche and then I realise.....
"Brother!" I exclaim as I hug him. I see security guards rush forward but he puts up his hand.
"You came." He says while crying "I thought you really hated me."
The crowd start to sing one of his songs. I feel tears streaming down my face.
"Why didn't you react to my letters?" He asks.
"What letters? I thought you were dead Magnus. Mum said you died of an overdose."
"Are you free now?"
"Not really." I whisper.
"We'll sort this. You'll be fine." He says while he turns to the audience. "Everyone, Meet my brother, Octavius!!"
He starts singing the song and all I can do is crying while holding his arm.
But what about mum?

I actually wanted to finish this at once but it didn't fit in one go, the writing isn't what I imagined. but there is supposed to be a part two