"Good afternoon. My name is Kenneth and I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic."

"Hi Kenneth," replied the others.

"Even though I've been clean and sober eighteen years, I still come to these meetings and talk with my sponsor regularly. It almost seems routine, but sometimes things happen and I need to keep myself steady." He looked around the room and saw some new faces. Ken didn't usually attend meetings at that time of day but he needed it. "A few of you know my story, most of you don't. Maybe something I say will encourage us all. Today I found out my company is shipping me back to St. Louis. I'm not sure how I feel about it." Ken paused. "Actually that's not true; I do know how I feel about it. I'm nervous. There are a lot of people from my past who are there that I no longer associate with because of, well a lot of things. Twenty years ago as I was coming out my family split and some of my friends, a lot of them actually, abandoned me. I didn't know how to deal with it so I turned to drugs and alcohol to help me. I almost flunked out of school, almost lost my job and internship. I worried my parents many nights. That was about the time I met Sebastian on campus. I found out that he was from my hometown and that he had come out of the closet as well. We began dating and I hid my drug use from him. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to know that I was hurting or how much I was hurting. But he found out and gave me an ultimatum. I didn't want that; none of us do. We want what we want and that's for things to stay the same." As Ken took a sip of water he could hear mummers of agreements from the attendees.

"At first, I chose the drugs. Who in here didn't? I didn't have to be honest with them or reason with them. I didn't have to explain myself, I didn't have any expectations to live up to for the drugs. Their job was to ease my pain. But as an addict you don't realize that when you come down from that high, all the problems you were trying to escape are still staring you in the face- just waiting for you to deal with them. But you can't. I couldn't.

I didn't want to be gay. It was splitting up my family, my church, my friends. I couldn't understand why God would do this to me it hurt too much to be gay. And black and gay. But I couldn't deny my feelings. Sebastian said he couldn't be with someone who couldn't be honest with himself. I argued that I wasn't like that, but I was. I couldn't be honest with myself. It was getting to be too much. On top of everything I was already dealing with, I was losing Sebastian- the man I was falling in love with. It was a lonely Friday night. I was getting high and chasing everything with as much alcohol as I could drink. I often wonder now if I was trying to commit suicide and just didn't know it then.

Bas had been calling all night and I didn't answer. He wanted to return some things, including the keys to my apartment. He found me passed out on the floor. I wasn't breathing, eyes closed. Bas thought I was dead. I probably should have been. He followed the ambulance and watched as they pumped my stomach. He sat with me all that night, holding my hand, crying and praying for me to finally come to terms with what was going on in my life at the moment.

I'll never forget the look on my mother's face when my parents finally made it there. Her broken heart was all over it. My father's disappointment could be heard in his voice. I could tell that he was hurt too. The next few days in the hospital, I had what my grandfather would call a 'come to Jesus' moment. I realized that sitting in that room with me were the people who probably loved me the most and they we going to be my start to my way out.

It all started with me accepting who I was, a black gay man. We've learned, and if you haven't you will, that your addiction has nothing to do with what you choose to be addicted to. There are underlying issues that we all have to deal with. It's the reason why we hurt, the reason why we took whatever we took. Find your truth; prepare yourself 'cause it's gonna be ugly. Once my parents accepted me for who I was, another burden was lifted. I was starting to feel free. It took a while for me to accept that some of my family members would never speak to me again. It hurt, still does. But with God's help and understanding, I accepted it. I speak, but they don't speak back. It's okay, I still find it in my heart to forgive them and love them. It's just too bad they can't do the same for me. But that's on them, right?

As I journey back to St. Louis, I realize that I will need my family, those who truly love me, more than ever. I have to find a new sponsor, new places I can trust to go to meetings. I'll see those people I don't wanna see. Who knows, they might even be working for me. I know I can't avoid what's going to happen, I just pray for the strength to endure. Thanks for listening."