Journal entry #4

Thomas sighed as he looked through the ripped pages. Frustration began to seep into him as he looked at the large stack of missing pages. Picking up on the next unripped page he focused on the cursive scribbles through the shimmering light of the candles.

"Thank you master," I whispered to Colin, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

"Whatever for lover? I didn't do anything special yet." Colin exclaimed, rolling over in bed and looking at me with a goofy smile on his face.

A small chuckle escaped my lips as I nuzzled against his chest. "Not today no, but you have done so much for me over the years. You taught me how to defend myself, how to defend others, and most importantly..." I trailed off, taking a deep breath and enjoying the masculine scent that seemed to radiate off him.

"Most importantly what little one?" Colin repeated as I held in that breath.

Letting the air slowly flee my lungs, I looked up and kissed Colin gently on the lips as my anxiety began to kick in. "I just wanted to say that should we fail tomorrow-"

"Don't speak such things." Colin interrupted in a soft tone, disregarded my words. "I refuse to let you speak of the matter. You and I have been on many missions have we not? And how many have we failed?"

Blinking my eyes in surprise, I couldn't help but look away from his affectionate gaze. "Well none, but-"

"Exactly, you have been trained well, and I'm proud to say you now walk as I do." Colin interrupted again, his silky voice swirling around me as he attempted to comfort me. "We will go out tomorrow and kill that warmonger of a high priest, then return as heroes once again. What would Alex say if he heard you were in here cowering in the dark before our first big mission together?

"I don't think Alex would care." I answered with a soft chuckle, feeling the wisps of fear beginning to fade away. "I have a growing suspicion that he has no desire to hear anything more about us. Let alone our time in the bedroom."

"You know, maybe one day we can bring him a present." Colin whispered as his hand snaked around my back, sending shivers down my spine as his fingers began to creep down. "Maybe a sexy brown haired thing from a faraway land, with the desire to learn alchemy. Maybe then he'll get that stick out of his ass."

I chuckled as my self-doubt began to fade. Laying with Colin in the darkness, I couldn't help but wonder if our lives would continue forever like this. "Master?" I asked, the word dripping off my tongue like a raindrop. Unsure of what to say, I lay there in silence as he peered intensely at me through the darkness. Feeling my courage slowly returning, I managed to mumble out my next sentence. "Has there ever been a married couple in the order? I have heard of relations between teammates, but never a married pair."

"Why do you ask little one?" Colin answered as my heart began to pound. "Is there something that you wish to tell me?"

"Well..." I began, his creeping fingers froze in place, making my heart race all the more. "Well, I was just thinking that I have never seen a married couple in the order. I want to know why..."

Colin's fingers curled for a moment, then lay still. "You are correct little one, nobody in the order has taken a life partner before. Too many of our brothers and sisters have died in battle. The idea of marriage brings fear to those who ponder such things. Marriage brings with it the thought of their partners death, and this clouds the mind giving room for lapses in judgment." His fingers began to tremble on my waist, and before I could speak, he continued. "Our lives are to the order, we don't get the luxury of a life mate..." His last words coming out bitter and remorseful.

Silence gripped me as my heart broke. "Then let us not ponder on these things, Colin." I managed to cough out as my pain began to leak into my voice. "Let us think only of the mission we embark on tomorrow." I pulled away from his comforting touch and rolled over towards the edge of the bed. "What do we know about this priest..."

"Little one..." Colin whispered in a somber voice. I didn't have the heart to answer him, so I stayed silent and pulled away when he reached for me again. "Paul," He repeated in a more demanding tone, his passion fading. "You knew from the beginning we would never get to be married. I saved you in hopes of being your future partner, but there was never a chance that we could become more than that. The sooner you get that through your head, the better. We need to focus and strategize, else we might be killed, or worse captured.

"Yes master." I spat back before throwing the covers off my body and getting out of the bed. My naked body chilled by the cold stone beneath my feet. "We can strategize tomorrow. I'm going to bed." My anger clouding my vision I started for the door.

"Paul..." Colin called out after me, rising from his bed and starting after me. "Get back here, we must discuss our plans.

"No, you just want to use my body again before the morning comes!" I argued as I slammed the door open and strode through the castle towards my room, ignoring the cold that nipped at my entire body. "We're just partners, right? That's all we are to you, then we can work as partners tomorrow!" I exclaimed in a bitter tone. A large hand shoved my shoulder, forcing my back against the wall with enough force to knock the wind out of me. I let out a gasp as the cold stone began to steal what little heat was in my body. Colin was glaring at me through the torchlight. His robes creased and wrinkled. "Let go of me!" I demanded as I tried to pull free from his grasp.

"You listen to me, now!" Paul demanded, his icy cold voice silencing me. "I am still your master, and you are still my apprentice. That means you follow my orders! Defiance burning bright in my eyes I rolled my shoulder up and used my free arm to force his arm off me. He recoiled from the swing, and I used that moment of weakness to resume my journey towards my own room. Suddenly his muscular hands were wrapped around my midsection, then my feet left the ground. "You can't escape me, I won't let you!" His icy voice chilling me to my core.

"So this is what you resort to?" I spat as I struggled to break free. First you order me on rank, then you try and manhandle me into submission? I won't be a piece of meat for your pleasure. If you try and force me I will flee the order. You know I know how!"

"Listen to me damn it." Colin hissed, as he turned us around and started back towards his room. "You brought up the topic of life partners, you have no right to be mad at me for following the rules." He squeezed me tighter as his hands began to shake. Letting out a soft sigh, his grip loosened slightly as we drew closer to his bedroom. I tried to squirm free as he turned the corner and started towards the open door that led to his room. "I don't want to force you to do anything, but you won't listen to me when you're acting like this!"

"Define listen!" I cried out as he kicked the door shut behind him and started for the bed. "Because all I see is an overgrown man forcing himself on his student!"

Throwing me down onto the bed, he quickly climbed on top of me and pinned me to the bed. "Calm down, and we can speak further." Colin ordered as he used his massive size to keep me still.

"And if I refuse?" I argued, struggling against his overbuilt frame.

Colin's hot, ragged breath began to slow as I felt my muscles begin to weaken. My limit had been reached, and I started losing the strength I had. Ignoring the feeling of his body sliding against mine, I continued to struggle, weaker with each passing second. "Then I will be forced to reprimand you." He replied in a deep calming voice. As I took another breath in, my rage beginning to leave me as pain and bitterness continued to course through me.

"You really are a piece of work!" I growled out as his overwhelming body mass kept me in place. "I don't know why I even bother with you..."

"Because you love me," Colin replied, another slow breath escaping his lips as his silky voice began to return. "And I love you too little one..."

"Then why," I whispered out, my rage dissolving completely into depression as my heartbreak broke my voice. "Why do you treat me as if I was nothing more than a piece of meat?"

"You think I perceive you as meat?" Colin questioned, his tone spiking with concern. "You couldn't be further away from the truth..." I felt my heart continuing to pound as heartbreak washed over me. Lifting one of my hands with his own, he pulled it to his chest like he always did. "Do you feel this little one? I ask you every night before bed what it is. Do you remember what you say every time I ask?"

"I say it's the useless candle in your chest waiting to be snuffed out because you have no love for another human being!" I growled back trying to pull my hand away. Instead of fighting me, he lay his chest against mine. Our hands sandwiched between us, his steady heartbeat booming against my hand.

"I give you my heart every night lover, every night I offer myself to you with this motion. Would somebody who thought of you as meat would be willing to do the same?" Colin questioned as I was forced to feel his heart continuing to beat steadily.

"No..." I grumbled weakly as the repetitive pounding echoed through my hand. "I just don't understand why you push for such closeness if you have no desire to keep me..."

"Keep you?" Colin repeated slowly, "You think I would throw you away? My god Paul, have I taught you nothing?" He asked, pulling himself from me to sit on the bed.

Reaching for a pillow, I quickly cover my face and close my eyes as tears began to fall. "I just..." I mumbled through the pillow, trying to ignore his eyes on me in the darkness. "I just don't want to feel like I am the only one committed to this! I mean, I know we are both men, and that should stop us from wanting to be one. I just can't picture my life without you anymore, but I can't be your plaything anymore! I need to be something more to you. Otherwise I..." My tears continued to fall, being absorbed by the pillow until Colin gently lifted the pillowed from my head and scooted closer. The darkness hid his face from my sight, but it didn't matter. I knew he was looking at me intently.

The sound of something ruffling in Colin's robe silenced me as he reached into his pocket. "Lover, you always assume things before gathering the facts." He whispered as his hand gripped mine. I tried to pull away, but he forced my palm open and dropped a small object into it. "I was going to save this until after the mission, but as always. you change the plan and throw the horses in the back of the carriage.

"What are you talking about?" I growled as the cold object sat in my palm. It was cylindrical and seemed to be made of metal. Yanking my hand free, I close my fingers around the object and begin to feel it. It was thin and had a large hole in the center. "Is this...?" I whimpered in surprise as he tenderly opened my hand again. "A ring...?"

"Yes lover..." Colin responded as he lifted the ring from my grasp and slid it over my finger. "I told you the day I met you that I wanted you. All these years I've been training you to be the ultimate companion. I was training you to be my life partner, somebody I wouldn't have to fear for in case of an emergency..." I lay in silence as my heart began to flood with emotion. I had no idea what to say, as pain, embarrassment, and love all flushed through me all at once. "Well say something..." Colin whispered to me, "Will you be my husband? Forever and always my eternal companion?"

"But, what about what you said before?" My eyes beginning to water. "You said that our lives were for the order, and you wanted nothing more than to be my partner."

"To hell with what I said," Colin countered with a weak chuckle. "You threw me off guard when you brought up the idea. I panicked and said the first thing I thought would keep you off my trail. I was hoping that if you believed we were to stay the way we were, then you wouldn't think I was planning to propose..."

My heart began to beat faster as a small tear slid down my cheek. The panic that had been coursing me had faded as I felt the ring around my finger. "Y-You really want me, even with my horse moving antics?" I asked, embarrassment staining my cheeks red in the darkness. 

"We've been over this before lover..." Colin whispered in my ear before leaning forward and hugging me. "I told you that I wanted you when I first met you. I'd be a damned moron if I gave you up over some group of old men and their rules! The fact that you're a man makes me even happier."

A soft smile broke over my lips, and I wrapped my arms around him. "I don't know what to say..."

"Then say yes little one." Colin said softly in my ear.

I nodded my head against his shoulder, and he tenderly pulled himself away before pressing his lips to mine. My heart began to race as our kiss lingered on. When we finally pulled away for air, I couldn't help but giggle.

"What are you laughing about little one?" Colin asked as he let out a gruff chuckle.

"I was just thinking about how we're going to have to break the news to Alex!" I responded, continuing to giggle as my heart began to beat faster.

"You're thinking about another man when I'm the one proposing?" Colin responded in mock surprise. My giggle turned into a laugh as he began to take his shirt off. "Then I guess I'll just have to teach your mind not to linger on anything but me then!" He answered before pressing his lips to mine again while taking his pants off.

The page had ended, and when Thomas turned it to continue, he found the page was blank. "What the hell?" He mumbled as he flicked over the next few pages seeing nothing but blank parchment.

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I hope y'all enjoy the section. If you wanna make my day, don't forget to drop a few comments and vote for my story! Your comments really do make my day! Also, don't forget to drink lots of water! I hope to hear from you in the next chapter, and I hope you have an absolutely fantastic day!

-Asted! 

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