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ChapterTwentyNine:The Words He Says

Friday, May 19, 2006

"Alex!"

Alex grinned when he saw Faye at the door. He missed his best friend, so to see her again made him hug her tightly. He felt her hugging back.

"We have so much to talk about!" Alex exclaimed.

"We do!" Faye said excitedly.

Alex pulled away to get a good look at her. She was still the beautiful girl from the final days of the original line-up of Connect8. Yet she seemed to have been developing this style of big, emo hair and bright colored clothing. It was like seeing Amanda, although his girlfriend's style leaned more goth than emo.

Faye asked, "So do we go to the park like we used to? Or just stay here?"

Alex looked behind him. It was the band's last day off before heading back to the recording studio and wrap the last dates from their tour. The demand for a fourth Connect8 album was very high. He heard rumors that the British band might collaborate with UTurn. He knew none of that was true, but he would like that very much. Maybe one of these days the American band could write a song for Connect8; and maybe Alex could choreograph a dance routine for them. Yet as long as he were to keep playing the role of former male lead Caleb Williams, his dreams of being a professional choreographer were slowly slipping away.

He turned to Faye and said, "The park."

                                                                                   >>>>>>>>

"So, you're not worried about everyone thinking we're dating?" Faye asked as they walked in the park near the Connect8 townhouse.

Alex replied, "You know our fans always paired us together. Besides, I've already texted Amanda that you're just a friend."

"She probably already knows."

"Yeah, but I don't want her listening to our fans."

"Remember when we tried to date numerous times?"

Alex chuckled, "Yeah, I remember. And our chaperones would always try to stamp everything out of us. And yet we were singing love songs at thirteen."

Faye poked at his forearm, and said, "I was the one who was thirteen. You were barely fifteen."

Alex rubbed his arm, and said playfully while flashing a grin, "Ow!"

She sighed, "But you're right. We were allowed to sing love songs, yet we couldn't date each other."

"All anyone had were those fanfictions of us dating."

"Or you dating Diana."

"Or you dating Caleb."

"Or you yourself dating Caleb."

Alex looked away, feeling the warmth in his face. He remembered how awkward things were between him and Caleb when they first discovered those fanfictions. Caleb eventually got over it and lord it over Alex. At least Caleb wasn't around to continue with his constant taunting.

Maybe there were hints that Alex might have liked boys, but he never noticed until he was sixteen, maybe even earlier. Being with Andrew had helped him finally come to grips with the reality, but he was gone now. Besides, Alex was a massive public figure now. He had to keep everything hidden, including from those closest to him.

He envied Andrew. The black-haired boy from America seemed quite content with his bisexuality. His own fans loved him regardless. His girlfriend clearly loved him, and he loved her back. Sure, he said he felt lonely as possibly being the only bisexual guy in the music industry. Still, he was surrounded by constant support. He didn't need to be someone else. Alex was forced to be Caleb.

"Is something wrong?" Faye asked, taking him out of his thoughts

Alex eyed the swing set. It was empty, as it was a normal school day. Faye had texted him earlier that she was taking part in "year eleven skip day." She should be taking her exams, but everyone in her year at her school were skipping everything.

He walked over to the swing set and sat down. He saw Faye sitting next to him. He never thought he'd say this to anyone. Only Andrew knew, but he wasn't around to help him. The American guy was back in Boston finish out his grade eleven stuff. Andrew had told him a few weeks earlier that American education was different than in England. He had another year of high school left.

"Alex?" Faye asked again.

He looked at her, and said, "I never told you yet about my experience with UTurn."

"No, you haven't. How are they?"

"They're pretty cool. They're so...opinionated. They're not afraid to speak their minds and stand their ground. They have control over their content. They're not sheltered whatsoever."

Faye nodded her head. Alex continued, "My girlfriend is like that. She takes shit from no one. I like that."

He looked away, and said hesitantly, "Then...then there's Andrew. He's...he's something. He's like a walking contradiction. He's an arsehole to everyone back in Boston, which is his hometown. Yet he's chill with everyone else. He says, in his words, 'to survive high school.'"

Faye said, "But you were bullied back in Penzance just for being in Connect8, and you've survived."

Alex scoffed, "Yeah, because I had the band to escape to."

"So, what about this Andrew?"

"Well, what do you think of him?"

Faye looked away, seemingly trying to find the right words. Then she looked up and said, "Well, he's very fit. He seems a bit arrogant, but his smirk, his singing, and his dance moves are to die for. Hell, even his messy black hair is amazing."

Alex chuckled, "You sound like a fan."

She grinned, "That's what it's like to be a common girl for a change."

He smiled, "True, I guess."

"So why are you asking me about Andrew?"

Alex looked away. He never wanted to say any of this out-loud. He didn't want any of this to be real. Yet Faye was the closest friend he had that was near London. He didn't want anyone else knowing, not even his parents. He didn't even want his own fans finding out. He didn't want to satisfy the trolls that lurked online. He wished Andrew was by his side, but this was something he needed to do himself.

He took a deep breath, and said to Faye with a shaky voice, "I...I think I like boys."

He looked at her for a response. She just stared at him, as if she wanted to hear more. He continued, "I really like Amanda, but...I like Andrew more. I...I kissed him. He kissed me back. I liked everything about him, and I could see he felt the same way."

Faye nodded her head. Alex asked, "So...you're okay with this?"

She replied after a few seconds of silence, "If you're gay, that's fine. But I think you have a problem with yourself."

Alex looked away, and said, "It's because I'm playing someone else. You know damn well Caleb is straight as fuck. I can't just be Alex Tredinnick the dancer of Connect8. No, I have to be this male lead singer of Connect8. I hate having to play this role, and for what? To compete against UTurn on the charts? What's the point of all of this?"

He then got up from the swing, and continued, "Look at UTurn. They can be themselves, and their fans would eat that shit up. Andrew gets to be openly bisexual, and everyone loves him. Me? I have to be straight, and I try so fucking hard to stay that way. Then there's those people who keep saying that I'm gay, and the last thing I want to make them think they're right! It's not fair!"

Alex let out a heavy sigh as he sat back down on the swing. He looked at Faye. She was calm about all of this. He said, "So I guess that's my rant. You came over to hear me rant and out myself to you."

Faye said as she rubbed his back, "You need to tell Amanda the truth."

He shook his head. "I can't. I see how much she's in love with me. I can't break her heart."

"But you don't want to lead her on."

"I can't. Besides, both our manager and her manager made us this PR couple. We can't break up as long as both of our bands bring in the sells with 'Amandex.'"

Faye sighed. Alex, on the other hand, looked at the wet grass underneath his Vans. He finally admitted that he liked boys. The whole thing made his body shake in fear. He didn't like the feeling. He wished he could take everything he said back; but he couldn't. It was all too real for him.

                                                                               >>>>>>>>

Alex stared at his phone. His hands were still shaking from earlier. Him admitting he was gay felt surreal. He made sure he was in the shower with the bathroom door locked. He needed to make sure everything was sound-proofed. He checked the time before calling a certain number.

The call went to voicemail. Maybe he's in class? After a few minutes, his phone went off.

"Andrew?" Alex answered.

"You called?" Andrew asked.

"Yeah, I did."

"Why?"

Alex hesitated. None of this felt real, but it was. He said with a shaky voice, "I think I'm gay, Andrew."

He closed his eyes shut. He winced at his own words. He wanted to take everything back, but he couldn't anymore. He tried hard to push it all to the back, but nothing worked.

Andrew asked, "Alex, you're sure you're gay? What about Amanda?"

He replied, "That's the thing. I don't know what to do. I really do like her, but...I like guys instead."

"You're sure it's not me you only like?"

Alex opened his eyes, feeling slightly annoyed by Andrew questioning him. He said, "Andrew, I've always fancied guys, though I never wanted to admit that. I'm sure you've felt that way."

"I still do, but I also like girls too."

"So, help me out here!" Alex exclaimed. "I don't know what to do! Or how to feel! Or even say! I'm scared!"

There was no response from Andrew. He wasn't sure why. He was actually scared of everyone, including himself. He would have to watch himself even more. He couldn't let the internet trolls and the British tabloids run rampant.

"Andrew?" Alex pleaded.

The guy finally replied, "I don't know, Alex. I'm not gay."

"But you like guys!"

"And girls too, Alex. Look, you're sure you're not just bi?"

"I think I'm sure, Andrew," Alex said flatly.

"I...I don't know what to say, Alex. I just don't want Amanda getting hurt."

"I don't either."

"Look, you said it yourself you really like her."

"But not enough to actually fuck her."

Alex wasn't sure who was more annoyed, but it seemed like Andrew wanted Alex to be bisexual. Alex wished that was the case, but it wasn't at all.

Andrew said, seemingly hesitant, "I...I can't help you. I don't know anything about this."

"But Andrew!" Alex pleaded. "You have to!"

"How can I when I got a girlfriend I love so much? Look, I'm sorry for leading you on. It wasn't the right way to help you out."

"Andrew!"

He said with a cracked voice, "Okay, I'll try to help. I don't know how, but I'll try. Okay? That means we don't date. That means you need to start being honest with Amanda."

Alex sighed, feeling relived he had someone to him navigate this. "Fine. Just as long as you help me."

"I will."

Alex hung up, dropped his phone onto the floor as he leaned his head against the wall. He felt the tears on his face. He wanted to hide, run from everyone and everything, including himself.

He heard a knock on the door. He wiped his face, stuffed his phone into one of his jean pockets, and walked up to the door. He opened it to see Sarah standing there.

She asked, "Is everything okay?"

He nodded his head as he walked out of the bathroom. His mind, heart, and body felt like they were all racing in different directions. One thing was for sure that he could no longer run from who he was. No, he needed to start his path on embracing his true self. It was now a matter of when and how, not if.