ChapterTwentyFour:Kissing Boys

Sunday, April 2, 2006

Head pounding with eyes closed, or somewhat closed. Alex made sure his blanket and pillow covered his face. Well, not completely, but still. All he wanted was to sleep off what was probably the worst hangover he ever experienced. He was only eighteen, and he already felt like he couldn't handle it anymore.

Alex opened his eyes, noticing the room was dark with bits of sun underneath his blanket. He felt his stomach making noises, so he took both the blanket and the pillow off his head. The light coming from the windows bothered him enough to put his arm over his eyes.

He thought about the party from the previous night. He could only remember bits and pieces of it. The only thing that he couldn't quite figure was if he and Andrew actually had a conversation. Maybe he dreamed it, but it felt real. Well, he was sure he was doing most of the talking. On top of that, he could've sworn he noticed Andrew might have feelings for him. The whole thing was confusing.

He heard his door being kicked open, greeted with a familiar voice, "We got breakfast. Well, Mason and Jerrod did."

Alex groaned in pain as he sat up, "Thanks, Andrew."

Andrew placed the bags onto the nightstand and asked, "Do you want me to stay?"

Alex replied, "Sure, why not?"

He could feel his mind was screaming in joy, but he was nowhere near ready to get excited. He needed to know what exactly happened. He could tell he was still in the same jeans from the night before. The only change was his shirt.

He needed to trust Andrew wouldn't say anything if the conversation had actually happened. He asked, "So, how good are you at keeping secrets?"

Andrew looked at him, who was sitting at the edge of the bed. He seemed a bit surprised by the question, but he did reply: "Pretty good, I guess. Why?"

"Did I say anything...weird last night?" Alex asked as he felt his face warm up.

Andrew bit his lip. "You talked like you needed help."

Curious, he asked, "Help on what?"

"On...on your sexuality," Andrew said with hesitation in his voice.

Alex slowly nodded his head. He must've been drunk enough to talk about something he had been trying to push away. He could feel fear creeping inside of him, scared that someone like Andrew could tell everyone. He didn't even know the guy, yet he hoped Andrew was nothing like Caleb.

Alex said hastily, "Please don't tell Amanda any of this. I really do like her, but..."

"But what?" Andrew asked.

Alex looked away. This was something he never wanted to vocalize. It was like it was almost becoming reality. No, he needed to choose his words carefully. He was not ready to fully admit his struggle.

He said cautiously, "I don't know if I'm bi or not. I mean, I've always liked girls, but guys? There's...something about them."

Andrew just stared at him. It seemed like he was intently listening, as if he cared what Alex had to say. He probably did anyway. Alex remembered seeing that video of some girl, he now assumed was Libby, forcing Andrew to come out.

Alex added, "But you seem to be handling your shit pretty well."

Andrew gave a short laugh, making his heart somewhat sink.

Andrew said, "Believe me, it's not that easy. Like you, I struggled within myself. I didn't realize it until a few years ago, but I was scared of what everyone would think of me. Now? Yeah, my fans are cool with me being bi, but half of the US is divided. The Bible Belt wants UTurn banned, but everyone else fights for us."

Then Andrew looked away and added, "But it's lonely. I'm sure there's others like me out there in the music industry; but I feel like I'm the only bisexual popstar who's a guy. I still don't know shit about the bi community, wherever or whatever that is. I did get help with my first boyfriend, but he doesn't like that I'm dating Alyson. Alyson does the best she can to help me, but she's straight."

Alex could hear pain coming from Andrew as he faced him again. The guy was lonely, hurting. Alex figured UTurn wouldn't be widely accepted in America. It seemed like half of his nation wanted him erased, never mind his bisexuality. If his society was more like the UK and the rest of Europe, then Andrew would've been given warm embrace. No, America was stuck in a weird archaic place.

Andrew continued, "Look, I want to help you. I do. But I still don't know shit. Yeah, I've embraced who I am, but I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. Or maybe there's nothing to do. I don't know."

Alex stared at him. He also wanted to help Andrew, but how? They were just two clueless, scared teen guys. Sure, they were both public figures, but it didn't mean they knew what to do.

At the same time, he wanted to try something he was scared to do. He could slowly feel like he could trust Andrew. The guy in front of him already had some experience with coming to terms with his sexuality.

Maybe they could both help each other. Help Andrew not feel alone; help himself face the closet door in front of him.

Alex asked, "What's it like kissing guys?"

Andrew's eyes widened at such a question. Why was he surprised?

Andrew asked, "Why do you wanna know?"

Alex thought for a moment, trying to brace himself for something he never thought he would ever do. For once, he just wanted to forget that he was a celebrity with rumors and trolls living on the internet. Maybe it was possible if only for a few seconds.

Alex took a deep shaky breath and said, "I want to try it."

Andrew looked at the door. It seemed Andrew was willing to do this with him. He was clearly nothing like Liam. No, this guy wanted to give him what he desired. Maybe Andrew truly had feelings for him? Why else would he want to make sure the door was locked?

Andrew sat back down, staring at Alex. It seemed there was lust behind the guy's icy blue eyes. Andrew got close to his face...

gently pushing back Alex's hair...

caressing his cheek...

moving his hand to his chin.

Alex could feel his heart racing in the speed of light. He was scared, but he was going to do this.

His first kiss with a boy that never left his mind since May.

Andrew got closer to Alex's face, pressing his lips onto his. The sensation was strange, but it felt like something burst inside his brain. An awakening to his true sexuality. It was a moment where he finally knew what that was.

He was gay.

Alex felt himself being slid down onto his back. Andrew was leaving a trail of soft kisses from his mouth down to his neck. He felt arousal all over his body with an erection forming. It was enough to let out a moan.

It woke him up to the reality outside his room. He was attached to Amanda. Andrew was with Alyson. Everyone involved, including Alex, were all teen celebrities. If word were to get out, the internet and the vicious paparazzi would have a field year.

He needed to stop Andrew from going any further, so he said in between breaths, "We need to stop."

Andrew sighed as he pulled away, as if he didn't want the moment to end. Andrew began twirling a strand of Alex's hair, as if he still wanted to be with him.

Andrew asked, "So how was it?"

Alex stared at him. He wanted him too. The feelings were clearly mutual. He asked, hoping as a way to continue to be with Andrew in some form or another, "So you'll help me?"

Andrew smiled, giving him a small kiss on the lips. He said, "We'll keep this to ourselves."

Alex smiled, feeling giddy over the idea of being his crush. His first true man crush. Any other ones were suppressed, but this one? Andrew was different. The guy in front of him was his awakening, his hope.

His forbidden love.

                                                                                      >>>>>>>>>>

3, April 2006: I'm not sure what I am. I always thought I was straight. It's what's expected of me. But everyone online says I'm gay. Maybe they're right. I just kissed Andrew Hawthorne. He kissed me, but I kissed him back. We both have girlfriends. I always thought this Andrew guy was an arsehole. Maybe he's not. He's so comfortable with being bisexual. I'm sure I'm not gay, but I don't think I'm straight. But I can't be as open as he is. I'm playing Caleb here. He's straight as fuck. He hardly got any gay rumors. I'm the only one with suspicions surrounding me. I can't prove those haters right. I don't know what else to do. Andrew says he'll help me. I just know that I think I'm in love with him. I can tell he feels the same way.

Alex stared at his journal entry as he hid inside his bathroom. He let everything sink inside his mind. He and Andrew kissed some more while they ate breakfast. They both never said their feelings, but the actions were there. Their eyes were filled with lust, wanting each other so badly.

No, they couldn't have each other. Andrew said he would figure something out while he was away in Europe with his band. Alex hoped so.

He felt bad for both Alyson and Amanda. He felt guilt beginning to appear. The two guys stole each other while cheating on their girlfriends. It wasn't right, but neither he nor Andrew wanted this arrangement to end.

Alex closed his spiral notebook. He would lie to his bandmates that he was writing songs. He had actually attempted songwriting. The material he created weren't perfect, but he knew he could perfect them after several more rewrites.

No, he had thoughts to write. It was the only thing where he could vent without being judged by anyone. He was, once again, trapped inside his head. The only person that could help him navigate the cage was Andrew.

He was possibly the only person who could save Alex from the hell known as the internet.