LOTUS

Alas-dos na ng madaling araw ngunit hindi pa rin ako makatulog The memory of that kiss with Zephyr in the hospital elevator replayed in my mind like and   it was impossible to forget. Sobrang lakas ng kabog ng  dibdib ko animo'y nagwawala at gustong lumabas sa ribcage ko. Zephyr had entered my life like a whirlwind, nagsisinungaling ako  sa sarili ko kung sasabihin ko na hindi ako naapektuhan ng halik na 'yon.

Kung ikukumpara ko siya sa halik ng dati kong asawa, masasabi kong mas bihasa si Zephyr— he's more gentle and passionate. Ewan ko ba pero parang gusto kong ulitin, gusto kong halikan siya ulit. 

Lying there, I couldn't resist the urge to share this exhilarating moment with my closest best friend, Vera. Mas maalam siya sa ganitong pakiramdam kaya alam kong matutulungan niya ako.  I reached for my phone, my fingers navigating the screen to dial her number.

I couldn't wait to tell her about Zephyr and the not so wild but wild encounter that had left me in a state of euphoria.

"Hello?" halata sa boses ni Vera na inaantok pa siya.

"H-Hey, Vera, it's Lotus," nanginginig ang boses ko. "Nagising ba kita? Pasensya ka na ha, I-I  just need someone, may gusto akong sabihin."

"You sound like you're about to burst with something juicy. What's going on?" Vera's laughter danced in her words.

Huminga ako ng malalim. "Y-You won't believe what happened, Vera. I crossed paths with Zephyr again— you remember, the guy we met at the bar the other night?"

"Ah yeah, si Mr. Handsome Engineer, what about him?" tanong niya. "Care to share?"

"Well, it turns out he's one of my patient's nephew..."

Vera's gasp was audible over the phone. "No way! That's some crazy coincidence, Lotus."

"Well, Vera, something happened, and I just... I'm not sure how I feel about it."

"Hey, you can always talk to me, you know that. What's on your mind?"

"Well, we met again at the hospital, and... we ended up sharing a kiss in the elevator."

"OH MY GOD, LOTUS LEE! OH MY GOD!" sigaw niya mula sa kabilang linya. Saglit kong inilayo ang cellphone sa tenga ko. "LOTUS LEE! O TO THE M TO THE G!"

"Vera, Vera, wait. I have something to tell you..." Sinubukan kong pakalmahin ang babaeng 'to. Well, wish me luck

"Spill the bean, little Lotus. Ano pa ang nangyari?" Mas lalong naging excited ang boses niya

"He's younger than me, Vera, quite a bit younger. And I can't help but feel like... may mali akong ginawa." 

"Lotus, age is just a number. What truly matters is what you feel and what he makes you feel. Kung may koneksyon or kung masaya ka,  then it's worth exploring," agad na sagot niya. "E bakit kami ng asawa ko? I'm 43, 75 na siya. And there is nothing wrong about it."

"Alam ko, pero... hindi lang ako sanay sa ganito," pag-amin ko. Kagat ko ang pangibabang labi ko.

  "Sweetie, life is too short to worry about what others might think. You deserve happiness, and if Zephyr brings that into your life, then embrace it. Don't let doubts held you back."

Huminga ako ng malalim, nag-ipon ng lakas ng loob. "Alam mo naman na diborsyada  ako, Vera."

"Yeah, you are definitely single. And that means you have every right to find happiness wherever you can. Don't let your past define your future. Dalawang taon na kayong hiwalay ng tarantadong Vincent na 'yon, give yourself a break," mabilis na tugon ni Vera.

Despite her sosyalera at maarteng pag-uugali, hindi mawawala kay Vera ang mga word of wisdom niya. She's like a book that full of quotes.

"Maybe I just need to hear that from someone."

"That's why I'm your friend, Lotus. I want you to follow your heart, hindi na tayo bumabata. At tandaan, ang pagiging diborsyada because of your failed marriage ay hindi nangangahulugan na hindi mo na mae-enjoy ang buhay para tuklasin ang mga bagong posibilidad ng buhay."

"Thank you," ani ko.

"Matutulog na ako ha, ayusin mo 'yang desisyon mo. Ooperahan kita 'pag naging mali-mali 'yang desisyon mo," birong sabi niya bago ibaba ang tawag.

Pagkababa ko ng telepono, nag-echo sa isip ko ang sinabi ni Vera.  Pumikit ako, kusang nag-flash sa isip ko ang guwapong mukha ni Zephyr, ang tagpo kanina,  at ang koneksyon na pinagsaluhan namin.

Siguro, maaari ko nang bitawan ang  mga reserbasyon ko at payagan na  ang  sarili na yakapin ang mga pangyayaring ito, saan man ito maaaring humantong.Pero ngayon, ipikit ko muna ang mga mata ko, ipapahinga at itutulog ko na muna.

Just as I was drifting into the edges of sleep, my phone buzzed again. With a groan, I picked it up, naaninag ko ang pangalan ni Owen Gil sa screen ng phone ko

"Hello?" wika ko nang sagutin ko ang tawah

"Lotus, I hope I didn't wake you up," Owen's calm voice flowed through the line.

I sat up, habang kinukusot ang mata ko. "No, it's fine, anong meron Owen. ?"

"Well, I wanted to give you a heads up. Birthday ko na bukas, and I'm throwing a little get-together at my place. Sana makapunta ka."

Oo nga pala, bukas na nga pala ang 40th birthday niya.  Sa dami ng iniisip ko ay nawala na sa loob ko. But no, I will not tell him na nakalimutan ko at baka magtampo siya sa akin.

"I... Owen, I'm really sorry, but I'm not sure if I can make it tomorrow,"  sambit ko. Napakagat ako sa pang-ibabang labi ko.

"No worries, Lotus. I understand if you have plans. It's just a casual gathering, nothing too extravagant. But if you can make it, I'd be glad to see you there. Alam mo naman na ikaw lang ang inaasahan ko... and also Therese e ang kaso nasa Cebu pala siya dahil patay ang tiyuhin ng asawa niya."

"I'll see what I can do, Owen. And... happy early birthday," sinubukan kong pasiglahin ang boses ko.

"Thank you, Lotus. Take care, and don't stress about it too much. If you can make it, great. If not, there'll be other day... may utang ka sa akin ha. Hope we can catch up next time?" Halata ang tampo sa boses niya.

Last year din ay hindi ako nakapunta dahil umuwi ang inaanak ko sa pinsan na si Halie para magbakasyon. Sinundo ko pa siya sa airport, nagkanda-traffic, umulan, then rush hour. Ending ay hindi talaga ako nakapunta.

Matapos ang tawag ay ibinalik ko na ang cellphone sa nightstand. Nahiga na at nagtalukbong ako ng kumot saka ako pumikit.
—

Napablikwas ako dahil sa ilang pagkatok mula sa pinto, nasilaw din mula sa sinag ng araw na tumatagos sa bintana ko, nakalimutan ko yata na isara ang mga kurtina kagabi dahil sa sobrang occupied ng isipan ko. Nang tignan ko ay orasan ay 10:30 na ng umaga. Not the usual time for me to wake up, usually ay 4:00 a.m pa lang ay gising na ako but nandito na. Tinanghali na ako nang gising. 

Bumangon ako sa higaan at dumiretso sa pinto para  pagbuksan ang kung sino man ang nasa labas. Maaring si Mama 'yon  o si Ate  Tentay.

"Good morning, Ma'am," nakangiti niyang sambit.

"Good morning din po, what's with the rush po? Pinapagising na po ba ako ng Mama?"

"Opo, may bisita po kayo sa baba"

I furrowed my brows in confusion. I wasn't expecting anyone. "Bisita? Sino po?"

Ate Tentay shook her head. "Ang sabi po ng Mama  ninyo ay bumangon na raw po kayo at ma-ayos ng sarili saka ninyo raw po harapin ang bisita ninyo."

Pagkasara ko ng pinto ay dali-dali  na akong naghilamos ng mukha at nagpalit ng bagong set ng damit. Bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko habang bumababa ako ng hagdan, tumatakbo ang isip ko sa mga posibilidad kung sino ang hindi inaasahang bisita. Could be Vera? But she's too busy. Si Owen? Nah, birthday niya. Not even Therese, nasa Cebu siya.

When I reached the bottom of the staircase, I froze.

There, in the living room, stood Zephyr, holding a bouquet of flowers in his hand, engaged in what seemed like a friendly conversation with my mother.

What was Zephyr doing here? 

My eyes widened in shock, my heart pounding in my chest. My mind raced, trying to process the unexpected sight before me.

Huminga ako ng malalim at naglakad papunta sa kanila. Ang mama ang unang nakapansin sa akin. 

Zephyr turned to face me, a grin spreading across his face as he held out the bouquet. "Good morning, Lotus. I hope I'm not intruding. These are for you."

I stood there, utterly surprised and at a loss for words. Zephyr's presence in my house was the last thing I had expected. As I accepted the bouquet, a rush of emotions swept over me – shock, confusion, and a hint of excitement.

"Zephyr, what... what are you doing here?" I finally managed to stammer.

He chuckled, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "I wanted to surprise you. I hope it's a good surprise."

My mother exchanged a knowing glance with me before excusing herself, leaving Zephyr and me alone.

As I glanced at the flowers in my hand, a small smile tugged at the corners of my lips. This unexpected turn of events was a reminder that life was full of surprises, and sometimes, they were the most delightful ones.

"I-I want to apologize about last night..." panimula niya.

"Last night?" I asked.

"Y-You know..." he stammered. Halatang kabado siya dahil nanginginig ang labi niya.

"T-The kiss in the elevator."

Napalunok ako nang banggitin niya ang tungkol sa bagay na 'yon,"

"I... I got carried away by my emotions. I hope I didn't make you... you know... uncomfortable."

I blinked, my heart fluttered as I found my voice. "Zephyr, it's okay. I... well, I got carried away too."

Kahit hindi nangangati ay napakamot ako sa batok ko, napalunok akong muli.

He chuckled softly, relief evident in his eyes. "Thank you for understanding. But... I also want you to know that I'm ready to accept whatever you decide." Huminto siya bago nagsimula muli, "I enjoyed getting to know you, and if you're open to it, I'd like to explore where this connection between us might lead."

I stared at him, his words sinking in.

Clearly, he was giving me the choice, the opportunity to decide how to proceed.

Green flag.

"Zephyr, I appreciate your honesty. And... I'm open to exploring this too," saad ko naman.

His face lit up with a genuine smile. "Really? That's great to hear then."

I nodded,."Yes, really. Let's see where this goes."

He took a step closer,  "Lotus, I'd like to court you, if you're comfortable with that."

I felt my cheeks warm, "Courting? That's... a bit old-fashioned, isn't it? Parang sa age mo, dating na dapat ang term. 'Di ba?"

Impit siyang natawa, "Maybe, but sometimes the old ways have a certain charm. Wala naman sigurong mawawala di ba?"

I was caught off guard, "W-Wala."

"Lotus, listen... I really really want to get to know you better, spend time with you, and show you that I'm serious about this. Just give me a chance and I'll prove it."

Hindi ko  mapigilan ang mapangiti dahil sa sinabi niya.

"Well, Zephyr, ang totoo niyan; ginulat mo ako. Legit, nagulat ako sa mga sinasabi mo Courting sounds... interesting, we barely know each other and maybe courting can lead us to something," I began, my voice a little shaky, "I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to take things slow. But there's something you should know about me."

He looked at me with a curious expression, waiting for me to continue.

"Alam mo naman na ikinasal na ako noon, unfortunately, na-divorce ang kasal ko " sambit ko sa malambot na tinig. "I'm a divorcee, and I carry... some baggage from that experience."

Nanatili rin ang malambot na ekspresyon sa mukha ni Zephyr, ngumiti siya bago magsalita. "I understand, Lotus. Divorce can be... challenging, and it's something that shapes a person. Hindi 'yon madali, alam na alam ng Mommy ko 'yan."

"Hindi naman ako tutol about exploring a connection between us, but I need to be cautious. The wounds from my past marriage are still healing, and I don't want to rush into something without thinking it through. Alam mo na, takot akong masaktan ulit."

"I'm not looking to pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with. If you're hesitant, we can take things even slower, or we can remain friends if that's what you prefer."

Zephyr's eyes held understanding and respect.

His response was exactly what I needed to hear— his respect for my feelings and my past was genuine.

I felt a sense of relief wash over me as I met his gaze. "Maraming salamat, Zeph. Your understanding means a lot to me."

He smiled warmly. "You're welcome, Lotus. I want you to feel comfortable and confident in whatever choice you make. We can take things at your pace."

As we stood there, a sense of gratitude filled the air. Zephyr's willingness to accept my feelings and respect my boundaries showed a level of maturity that was both refreshing and reassuring.  Maybe I'm too judgemental too think na ang mga lalaki o kabataan na nasa edad ni Zephyr ay masyadong nagmamadali. Or iba lang talaga ang way ng thinking ni Zephyr. He's more mature more than I anticipated.

Ibang-iba siya sa mga kabataan na kakilala ko. Maybe I judge him too easily? Baka nga mayroon pa rin na iilang mga lalaki na willing maghintay  at magtake risk, and Zephyr is one of them.

While I wasn't entirely sure where this journey would lead, I knew that I was making the right decision by taking it one step at a time.

Napaso na ako noon, nalapnos, nagkasugat.