I wasn't so surprised to wake up alone the next morning. I was, on the other hand, a bit depressed about the unlucky feeling in my stomach that persisted even after a night of sleep. Maybe it was the fact that the sleep had been shitty that resulted in the nauseating beginning of my morning.

Or, maybe, it was that every action since getting up brought me closer to seeing Harry in broad daylight. Closer to being reminded of how he needed to be okay. Closer to the bitterness that hadn't worn off from last night.

I need to be okay. Getting a punch in the face would've hurt less.

Part of me—all of me—wished I'd told him fuck you instead of being nice about it. I wished I'd asked him why he couldn't take my actual feelings into account when he preached such bullshit rather than insist that he was holding me back. Holding me back from... what, exactly? I still lived the life I wanted. The same studies, the same friends, the same hobbies. Nothing had changed, yet he had decided he was my own personal hell and would not budge from that piece of pure fiction.

My silence was now causing my airways to feel inflated; the bitterness was fully back by the time I showered and put on some clothes, before I'd even gone downstairs and seen his face.

Seeing him in the kitchen, helping out his mom for breakfast, shouldn't have been a surprise. I suppose it wasn't—the sinking in my stomach wasn't exactly a sensation of shock. "Morning."

With Dustin at work and Stella at school, only Ellie and Cass greeted me back. Ellie manned the pan of scrambled eggs and bacon while Harry did the dishes beside her; Cass was still in pajamas, curled up in front of the TV with a bowl of chips beside him, using the couple of days he'd gotten off work for Harry's birthday to their full potential. The sizzling of breakfast and chatter from the TV created a homey atmosphere—too bad I'd woken up too mad to enjoy it.

I was making my way to the kitchen peninsula when I heard the faucet switch off; my gaze met the eyes that were already looking back at me. "Hey," Harry said, straightening out his white T-shirt, and I nodded in response. My arms were crossed over my chest and I was rightfully stand-offish, and my God, it felt terrible. Being anything but thrilled about Harry's presence felt awful.

Maybe that was part of why I couldn't shake off the anger gnawing at me—how dare he allow me to reach this point. How dare he make me so resentful when being happy around him was the most effortless thing I'd ever done.

How we'd get past this, I had no idea. Even if he did turn out to be okay, I'd need time to get over how little trust and faith he had in me. How he still wanted to make up my mind for me. How little he still thought of himself—and me, for that matter—that the idea of me abandoning him came so naturally to him. After everything I'd told him about my past. After everything we'd gone through together.

After, just, everything.

No, he'd need to work for it. A lot. He'd need to majorly suck up to me.

Outside of my seething mind, Harry stood at the other side of the peninsula and kept staring at me, lips parted, like the thoughts in his brain were loading too slowly. "I, uh, made you coffee."

He turned to grab a mug from a different counter, right in time to miss the draining of color in my face. "Here you are. Just the way you like it." He set the cup in front of me, offering a rueful smile that only lasted a second before I had to grab the end of the countertop to avoid falling on my ass.

"Shit, are you okay?"

As soon as the words left Harry's mouth, Cass and Ellie were tuned in, and contrary to the pale white from a moment ago, my face was flaming hot. I'd managed to sit up on the bar stool but by then, Harry was standing between my legs and angling my face upwards with both hands, his worried mom was behind him, and Cass was asking if I was okay.

Despite being a negative emotion, the mortification was somehow putting out the fire of my fury. I suddenly wasn't feeling as angry due to the overwhelming embarrassment of almost passing out.

Or, maybe, it was something else.

"Evie. Hey." My husband pulled a strand of my hair behind my ear, his thumb lingering on my cheekbone for a moment. I blinked up at him; it was absolutely, definitely something entirely else. My body was suddenly on fire, and it was something entirely else.

There was a change of emotion in his furrowed eyebrows, going from worried to worried with something that looked like sadness, but in the end, he just said, "You alright? You almost fell."

"Want some water, sweetheart?"

"I'm fine," I announced, zoning back into the current space and time. "I-I just felt... lightheaded for a moment. Probably the weather or something. I think..." I looked around myself, softly gasping as I remembered their backyard. "I think I just need some fresh air."

Both Ellie and Harry were still frowning at me. "Seriously, I'm fine. I'm actually gonna step outside and, uh, call my mom."

"You sure?"

Absolutely fucking not. But by some miracle, the realization as to why hit me out of nowhere. The anger, sadness, bitterness—it all began to make sense with him making me coffee just the way I liked it.

"Yeah." I nodded. "All good. Sorry for scaring you."

A beautiful sunny day with a clear blue sky greeted me as I closed the sliding door behind me, and the cool morning air and light breeze gave my stomach the needed permission to get tied up in knots again. I walked down the short wooden staircase and was joined by Stevie, who had waggled out of his house at the first sound of the door and was now strolling by my feet. Tongue out, he was looking up at me as if to say Oh shit, we're going somewhere? Where are we going? I'm ready!

"Hi, boy," I said quietly, petting his head with one shaky hand while my other held my phone. I took a deep breath and went farther down the yard, by the tall wooden fence, the furthest point from the house. I wasn't going to call my biological mother, but I guess I hadn't told a complete lie, so to speak.

I held my phone to my ear, heart racing faster than Stevie could trot to bring me an old tennis ball that had sat in the grass a few feet from us. Knowing I'd otherwise nip at my skin or chew on my lips, I channeled those nerves into playing fetch with Steven Gerrard the Labrador.

"Hello?" Violet answered the call in a sing-song voice, just as Stevie was proudly strutting back with the ball in his mouth.

"Hey, Vi, you have a moment?"

"Uh-huh, just taking a smoke break. What's up?"

"I'm in love with Harry."

"Okay." There was a long silence. "Um... oh my God? I'm shocked? Wait, can you go again but tell me how you want me to react?"

"Violet, I'm freaking out."

"Oh, shit. Hang on."

Realizing this wasn't a fun, lighthearted call, I listened to her excuse herself from her colleagues to go somewhere more private, while I threw the tennis ball for Stevie for the third time.

"Alright, talk to me. You're in love with Harry."

"Don't... say that so loud. I'm still adjusting."

"Don't take this the wrong way, Ev, but that's adorable. I could've told you months ago. I'm pretty sure I did tell you, months ago. Repeatedly."

While the idea had always been something of a benign nuisance, I pondered her words. "Yeah, maybe I should've listened to you. Maybe I wouldn't have blacked out when I realized it just five minutes ago."

"Oh no. Did something happen?"

"No," I said but then grimaced. "I mean, not completely no. We went out for dinner for his birthday last night, and I kissed him for a photo. In front of his whole family. And, uh, he was a bit weird about it, and I thought he was just surprised, but then we got back to his house, and... I don't know," I sighed. I should have rehearsed this in my head before calling her. "We... got into it again. About his health and everything. I mean, I got into it."

"Wh- because of the kiss?"

"No, because he... stopped me." I pursed my lips, feeling the humiliation in every bone in my body. "I tried to make a m-move, and he stopped me. And then he said, basically, if he still has cancer when he gets his results, he wouldn't want to be with me."

"Oh, Jesus Christ."

"Yeah."

"Jesus Christ at both of you. You are both so fucking stupid."

I pursed my lips as I threw Stevie's ball. "Yeah. Vi, uh, I don't wanna say you were wrong, but you were wrong. The world will end if this doesn't work out. I can't fucking describe how hurt I was last night. It's embarrassing."

"...And it still took you until the morning to figure out you're in love with him?"

"Still not funny."

"Okay, yeah, got it. Sorry."

"I mean, I get that he's scared, but where does that leave me? Am I supposed to worry that he'll just fuck off whenever times get tough? Whenever he's sick?"

"He's scared of hurting you."

"Yeah, well, I'm scared that he doesn't realize he's already doing it."

Violet hummed. "You're both scared of losing each other. Poetic."

"Fucking stupid is what it is." I sighed. "And now I'm in his backyard, playing goddamn fetch with his dog because I do not know how to handle being in love with a man."

All because of a cup of coffee.

Well, actually—all because of everything that had ever happened.

"What the hell do I do?"

"Well, first, take a breath." Despite that being what I'd done for days, what with Aspen having the cleanest fucking air on the planet, I breathed in deeply and waited for further instructions. "Second, when you think about it, do you think he feels the same? I can tell you the right answer right now. It's yes."

It was also because of everything that had ever happened that I knew she was right. But thinking about it now, after last night, left a bad taste in my mouth. "Vi..."

"He saw his buddy looking at you for three seconds and immediately told the whole world you're his wife. He saw how uncomfortable you were about picking out a car with Jerry, and he jumped to your rescue."

I moved my weight from one foot to the other. "True."

"And your father likes him, which is honestly harder to believe than the fact that you got married after talking, like, three times."

Also comically true.

"He took you to his home and introduced you to his family. He didn't need to do any of it, but he did, Ev, because that guy is as stupid about you as you are about him. He pushes you away under the guise of not wanting to hurt you, but I think he wants to protect himself too. Because losing you would also be the end of the world for him, too."

I stared through the fence. Stevie patiently waited to fetch his ball again.

"I'm not downplaying his stress or your feelings, but I think both of you are just too caught up in all of it. He needs to get his results so the dust can settle and you can both think with your brains again, not with your anxieties."

"Okay," I responded after a long silence, now looking at Stevie, jealous of how simple he had it. He didn't need to worry about a thing. Everyone loved him. "Yeah. You're right, we're both... too fucking stupid to talk about it at this stage. I'll wait. His results should be any day now, anyway."

As he'd said, talking made things sound worse than they were. Maybe he'd had a point.

"Awww," Violet cooed. "My little girl is in love! After swearing off men! I gotta buy a Lotto ticket today!"

Her giggles and giddiness forced a laugh out of me. "God, shut up. I want to die."

"I'm here if you need to talk about it. Seriously. You know this kind of stuff doesn't bore me. Call me anytime."

"I can't if I die."

"I'll just resuscitate you so I can beat you up."

I smiled, almost mustering a grin—she'd said that without missing a beat. My eyes were about to well up with the good kind of tears. "Thanks, Vi. You're the best friend I've ever had. I hope you know that."

"I live to serve." A small pause, and then, "You're my best friend too, you know. You're like a sister to me."

"Us only children have to stick together."

"Any chance Harry has a hot older brother so we can be sisters for real?"

I managed another laugh. "You won't believe this, but..."

///

I stepped back inside the house, and the throbbing in my head barely allowed me to register only two people in the room. Ellie was moving around the kitchen, now dressed in a fancy suit, ready to head to work any minute now. Cass had moved to the other side of the couch. "Uh, where's Harry?"

"He just went to the bathroom," Ellie said, doing a double take at me. "Are you feeling better, sweetie?"

"Yeah, yeah," I answered as I sat on a barstool, reminding myself to push everything down while I was in the same room as Harry's family. They had nothing to do with anything. "It was nothing. Don't worry about it."

"There's scrambled eggs for breakfast. Or, I can cut you a slice of cake if your sugar is low."

"You know what? Sure," I said, smiling at the mischievous look in her eyes. As if she was breaking some grown-up rule by offering me sugar for breakfast. Adorable. "That might be it."

That was not it. What it was was just walking into the room, phone in one hand, and my heart in the other. "Hey," Harry said from the threshold, eyes moving over all three of us. His lips parted slightly as if he was just about to say something, but then Ellie spoke up again.

"Hey, honey, you want some cake?"

"Yeah, sure." He continued to just stand there, and I frowned at him for a split second.

"Cass, you want a slice?"

"I'm just glad you remembered to ask," Cass feigned offense.

"Don't be a baby."

"I'm not a baby, I'm just feeling left out. Little brother comes home with a wife, and everyone forgets about sad, ol' Cassius. If I start adopting cats, just sign over the family fortune to Henry."

Ellie shook her head. "You know, you didn't get beatings as a child, but it's not too late to start."

"What do you mean, I didn't get beatings as a child? My sister was Stella."

Ellie had set the round chocolate cake on the counter, a fond smile on her face while she cut the slices. "Stella had a bit of a silly streak when she was a toddler," she explained to me.

"More like a bully streak," Cass mumbled.

"She'd insist on playing 'grown kids' games' with Cass and Harry. She wanted to ride a dirt bike at three years old, play football, play FIFA with them on their PlayStation. The list goes on. And when they wouldn't let her, she'd throw toys at them or try to wrestle them or something. Just to prove that she was as big and strong as them. Younger and tinier than her brothers, but she didn't let that stop her."

"Charming way to describe domestic abuse, Ma." Cass turned to look at Harry. "This how you've felt your whole life? As a middle child?"

Ellie sighed at Cass' comment. "When do you go back to Denver, Cassius?"

"Okay, wow. My own mother-"

"I'm in remission."

The room had gone silent for a fraction of a moment while Harry held his phone up; then, Ellie dropped the knife in her hand on the floor with a high-pitched scream, and Cass jumped over the sofa to crash into his brother with a force that nearly sent both of them on the floor. I released a breath I felt I'd been holding in since June, vision blurry as the first tears rolled down my cheeks, while Harry got suffocated in a tangle of arms between Cass and Ellie.

"I need to call your dad!" Ellie sobbed, stumbling to hurry down the hallway. "I need to call- I need to call in sick! I need to quit my job!"

"I fucking knew you'd do it," Cass laughed, holding his brother in what looked more like a chokehold than a hug, doing his best to keep smiling even though his lip quivered. "I fucking knew it."

Cass patted Harry's back and kissed the side of his head before letting go of him, or rather, pushing him out of his arms before the younger sibling could notice the older's teary eyes. Harry's red-rimmed eyes found mine right away, and his face held an expression I didn't think I'd seen before; like he'd been barely staying afloat in the ocean for months, and he'd finally reached a shore. He could breathe.

He's okay.

He marched across the room toward me, eyes locked on mine; my brain worked on autopilot to bring me to stand from the stool and meet him halfway. My legs felt like they weren't mine, my hands were shaking, and my pulsating head had yet to form a thought. Or not—my heart was doing what my head had been this entire time. My heart was overfeeling.

And then, Harry was in front of me, grabbing my face with both hands and crashing his lips into mine in a searing kiss. Rough, clumsy, salty from our tears—he poured everything into my lips, fitting everything from the past four months into this one moment, his fist gripping a bunch of my hair, while my trembling hands barely touched his waist, slowly, delicately, as if he would crumble under my touch.

"Stella said she had- somewhere in here- aha!" A loud pop! rang from behind Harry, and we suddenly had colorful paper raining over us, but neither of us paid much attention to Cass or the party popper. Or Ellie, who was on the phone in a different room, crying and yelling at the same time. Or anything happening in the world, anywhere.

Harry beat cancer. Harry is in remission. Harry is okay.

His hands touched my face again, this time to gently part his lips from mine. His expression, overcome with emotion, softened as he looked at me, and I felt my throat tighten again as it had after I'd woken up, with an emotion that was the exact opposite of the anger I'd felt. I couldn't find my voice to say anything, but that was alright. No words were needed between us.

He's okay.

You're okay, Harry. You're okay. I love you. You're okay.

He picked out a piece of blue paper from my hair and, as if hearing my thoughts, slid his arms around my waist to pull me into a hug. His hand pressed me to his chest, tight, desperate, like he was finally allowing himself to hold me the way he'd wanted to this whole time. My arms went around his neck, and the tears tipped over my eyelids again, but this time, I allowed myself to smile with joy and relief.

"I told you so."

current feeling: !!!!!!!!!!!!!! we've made it folks!!!!!