Becky
It's been a month since Krisi, I've barely seen Colby. He moved out of our house and said it's because he needed some time, I understand that and I'm not gonna get mad at him. I'm 28 weeks pregnant and I've been buying lots of baby stuff, kI just wish Colby would come home now. I need help with so many things like decorating the nursery and I don't want to find out the gender on my own that's something that we should do together. I've been looking after Luis and Holly's also been living in my house, everyone right now is just so sad. But today is Krisi's funeral, I'm wearing a black dress with lace at the top and black heals. I'm not wearing any makeup as I know there I no point, I'll just end up crying it all off. Ashley and Joe have been coming round a lot more and even Galina has popped in to see how I'm doing. I've been here for Holly but she spends most of her time in her room which is understandable, I'm not going to push her into anything. Probably the most heartbreaking thing is Luis, he keeps asking when mommy is coming back and I don't have the heart to tell him she isn't. He understands something bad has happened and that's why we're all so sad but he just doesn't realise that his mum is dead. He's only 4, he's so small and he shouldn't have to go through such trauma. The armed police didn't even find Randy which just puts everyone on constant edge, me and Holly planned Krisi's funeral, we tried calling Colby but he never answered. I feel terrible and I feel so sorry for Holly, her daughter is dead and her son has disappeared. I can't help but blame myself for all of this, if I hadn't got involved with Randy then none of this would have happened it's all my fault. No matter how many times people including Holly have told me not to blame myself I still do it anyway, they tell me I couldn't have changed anything but I could've. There are so many reasons to why this is my fault and it just hurts so badly, my choices have ruined so many peoples lives and I just feel so so awful. I've been broken some time and I've come to the conclusion that I'm just unfixable, everyone who tries to fix me either ends up dead, seriously injured or in jail. Colby, Krisi, Ashley and the list goes on. Ashley got stabbed by Randy, thats my fault too because she stabbed him defending me so he wanted his revenge against her. She almost died, her kids needed her and she couldn't be by there side because she was in hospital because of me. Colby, he's been shot, beat up and he's lost his sister. I have such a guilty conscious, sometimes I wish Randy had killed me that one time all those years ago because then yes I may be dead but everyone else is okay, I don't break anyone else. I'm so scared that I'll ruin my baby, they'll get all mixed up in this and I won't be able to stop them getting hurt. I don't even have Colby to help to protect them from me. I hate myself for putting the people I love through this much hurt, it's really not fair.

I've barely been able to get out of bed for weeks, my pregnancy has also got really bad recently. I've been throwing up every day and I've been super tired. I think I'm falling back into my depression and that's scary, I know I won't hurt myself again because I would never harm my baby. I feel it kick, it's those moments I wish I could share with Colby, but not matter how many times I call or text he just doesn't answer.

"Rebecca darling."

I looked in the mirror and saw Holly standing there ready to go.

"I'm so sorry..."

"Are you blaming yourself again?"

I nodded my head and watched as she walked over to me and took me into her embrace.

"Becky, it's not your fault. None of this is your fault, I don't know what's go no through Colby's mind right now but you've just got to give him time. He's upset, we all are but your not gonna change anything by blaming yourself! Krisi loved you like you were her sister and technically you guys were because you married Colby. I don't think Krisi would've trusted anyone more than you with her son and you've given me a place to stay. You are a lovely young lady and what happened to Krisi was not your fault. You feel like it is and you might always feel that way but it isn't. How were you supposed to know that Randy was pure evil, he tricked you so it's not your fault. I think of you like my daughter, I always have and it breaks me to see your constantly blaming yourself for something out of your control. Krisi would want us to celebrate the life she had and not just be sitting around here moping."

She wiped away my tears and pulled me up for another hug.

"Now lets go, the car is waiting and Luis is ready."

I nodded my head and grabbed my bag off the side table, I climbed into the car and saw my neighbours paying there respects. We arrived at the church and everyone was already there, I saw Colby and I sadly smiled at him. The ceremony was beautiful, it reminded me so much of Krisi, they even played some spice girls as we were leaving. I was standing with Joe and Ashley when Colby approached me.

"I'm sorry Rebecca..."

"I understand, don't worry."

"I just need a little more time, I'll be back soon I promise."

"Yeah just be back, I need help with the nursery."

He nodded before walking away.

"I know he's upset so I'm being easy on him but I'm scared."

"Oh becks I don't think he's going to do anything stupid."

"But after what's happened this year he's got enough reason."

"And he's got you and this little baby to hold onto."

"I suppose so."

"Becks he'll be back, he's not gonna leave you."

"Yeah I know I'm just upset, I'm being silly."

"Come here."

Ashley pulled me forward into a hug and Joe did too.

"Today has been very difficult for us all so if you want us to take you home we can?"

"If you wouldn't mind."

"Okay, let me go warm the car."

Joe walked off and I went to find Holly to let her know I was leaving, I saw her having a heated argument with Colby she even slapped him at one point.

"Holly?"

"Sorry dear, are you okay?"

"I'm heading home, are you?"

"Yeah you go home I'll see you later."

"Okay thank you for earlier by the way, it's what I needed to hear."

"Of course honey."

We hugged and I left then.

A/N: I know it's a little short but I'll be doing a longer chapter soon!