after a very long weekend competition with adam and garette, i was actually kind of excited to get back to school.

sixty hours of only their faces, albeit cute faces, was just too much for me. i practically skipped over to julie's locker, where she currently stood, jamming out to whatever was playing in her ears.

before i had arrived, she handed a marching band member drumsticks. i wasn't sure where or how she had gotten said drumsticks, seeing as she's never learned how to play the drums.

but, i ignored that fact as i came to a stop in front of her,"hey, jules."

she turned to me, giving me a grin,"hey, how was your competition?"

i let out a sigh, running a frustrated hand through my hair,"we all advanced."

she quirked her eyebrows, noticing that my tone didn't match what seemed to be very good news,"and you are...mad about that?"

"not about that," i muttered, pressing my lips together. i had been mulling over a certain possibility all weekend, and decided it would be nice to pick her brain,"do you think i should be helping luke find this lily girl?"

julie gave me a confused look, not sure where the question had come from,"what? why?"

i eyed the ground for a moment, unable to express exactly what i was feeling. it was a mix of many things: jealousy, empathy, and everything in between.

"i just..." i lifted my head up, running a hand through my less-than-brushed hair,"i feel like i should. i mean, clearly i have some sort of connection with her via my entire being."

julie shrugged, giving me a weary glance,"i think this could be really hard for you. i know sometimes you feel-"

"sad and desolate?" flynn offered playfully as she arrived at my side, rested her arm on my shoulder.

i chuckled lightly, shrugging her arm off,"you took the words right out of my mouth."

julie laughed along with us, before shutting her locker,"we can talk more later."

"yeah," flynn nodded, having her own topic of conversation to discuss,"how's the band? still hot? still talented? still dead?"

"amazing," julie grinned, obviously excited about what she was going to tell us,"luke and i spent the whole weekend writing songs. wanna hear some of them?"

i couldn't ignore the pang of jealousy i felt as julie mentioned her one-on-one with luke, but i also had to keep in mind that i couldn't fight over a dead boy with my friend.

"sure." i answered curtly, though i really didn't want to know how good they were together.

the only thing i could seem to hold onto was the fact that this was a good thing for the band i was a part of. lord knows i'm not a songwriter; i'm barely able to write a decent rhetorical analysis.

we quickly arrived at music room, noting what little time we had before first period.

"like it was flowing through me. like i used to write with mom." julie exclaimed excitedly, dropping her backpack to sit down on the bench.

"that's great." i commented, leaning against the other end of the bench.

"so, this is the first song luke and i wrote," she opened up the keys, a smile forming on her face,"here's a bit of the chorus. in the song, we have jo and luke doing it."

i couldn't help but smile lightly at the passing comment. it meant that they were thinking of me, something i'm convinced no one ever did.

julie started to play the tune, singing some lyrics along with it,"cause we're standing on the edge of great. great. great."

"wow!" flynn exclaimed,"i like it. definite gaga vibes."

i nodded in agreement,"it's really cool, jules."

"thanks," she smiled, before moving on to explain the next song,"i think we have an anthem with this one. it's something my mom and i were working on. luke and i finished it. check it out."

i immediately felt guilty for my jealousy towards the two. it was clear that she needed luke, even if she didn't know it. he reintroduced her to music, she trusts him with her mom's songs...how can i be mad at that?

"and it's one, two, three, four times. that i've tried for one more night. light a fire in my eyes. i'm going out of my mind." julie sang, causing me to nod in recognition.

i remembered this song vividly from one of the times spent in julie's studio,"right, i loved this song."

"it's beautiful," flynn replied, before giving julie a playful smirk,"and my girl's got a crush, and his name is luke."

my eyes widened, completely focused on julie now. she gave me a quick glance, knowing what she was possibly stepping into.

"luke's a ghost." julie dismissed the idea immediately.

"a cute ghost." flynn corrected her best friend.

julie nodded, letting an admission slip,"with a perfect smile."

i rolled my eyes, not sure if it was my jealousy or julie's irrational thinking pattern,"with a corpse in a grave somewhere, okay?"

julie gave me an incredulous look, wondering where my attitude had come from,"that's super dark, jor. something you wanna say?"

i took in a sharp breath, realizing that answer may have been a little harsh. but i couldn't backtrack now,"i just...i want us to be realistic, here. they're dead, and there are perfectly good alive boys that are potentially interested in us. it's best not to get caught up in some fantasy world."

julie eyed me for a second, knowing exactly what i was getting into,"are you saying this for me, or for yourself?"

i swallowed hard, shaking my head lightly. i didn't want to discuss this matter any further, "i'm gonna go."

the girl at the piano sighed, regretting what she had just said,"no, jordan, wait-"

i cut her off as i made my way to the doors,"i'll see you at the studio. might be a little late."

•

i laid on the floor of the stage in the auditorium, having decided to skip my trigonometry class. my heart just wasn't in learning the identities of the six trigonomic functions.

"well, well, well," i heard adam's voice from the left wing of the stage,"shouldn't you be in class?"

"shouldn't you?" i countered, refusing to change my position.

he chuckled lightly,"coach let us out after charlie got a concussion."

while adam was also my leading man, he was the star player on the los feliz hockey team. and he wasn't dead. the full package, really. and if i could get my mind off of luke, i might just be able to see that.

"not charlie," i said sarcastically, staring up at the spotlights,"he's so careful."

last year at our school's award show, charlie was awarded the most injuries medal. it was safe to say he hadn't gone anymore that three weeks without some sort of bodily harm.

adam chuckled lightly, laying down next to me, "is everything alright?"

i let out a deep sigh, continuing to stare up at the lights. i wasn't sure how to express exactly what i was feeling, so i decided a hypothetical would be best,"do you ever feel like...i don't know, like not a real person? like if a spotlight fell straight onto your head and crushed you... that would be it? that's just the end. no one mourns, no one knows, no one cares."

adam gave me a concerned look, reaching over to grab my hand in his,"where's this coming from, jordan?"

i couldn't very well explain that a ghost had dropped into my life and given me identity issues. that, not only do i feel like i don't exist, i feel like maybe i never have. like my whole life was never mine. it was just a buildup for luke to see 'lily' again. what kind of life is that?

"nowhere." i muttered, looking down at our newly intertwined hands.

his eyes searched for mine, and when he couldn't find them, he spoke quietly,"look at me."

my heart fluttered at the words, and while my eye contact problems had been well established, i did as he said,"yeah?"

he smiled lightly, for reasons unknown to me, before saying what he wanted to say,"you know you can tell me anything, right?"

i eyed him for a moment, my gaze lingering on his lips longer than i meant them to. before i gathered the courage to actually do something about it, i turned away,"it's just...someone new has come into my life recently. he's kind of making me question everything."

adam sighed, looking up at the ceiling,"don't tell me you started dating a gaslighting e-boy."

i laughed, rubbing my face with my free hand, "no, nothing like that. i can't really explain it."

"that's alright," adam nodded, knowing i was never the best at confiding in someone. most of the time, i just kept things to myself,"i just wanna know that you're okay. i care about you, a lot."

i couldn't ignore how he was making me feel right now. maybe it was irrational, and maybe he was just a distraction from my life's current issues.

but, as i felt myself leaning in, i couldn't deny that i had wanted this for a long time. perhaps luke was just the push i needed to get me something i had been wanting for a while.

our kiss was slow and deliberate, and for a moment i didn't want to pull away.

and when we finally did, i realized it might have been a mistake. and if i decided to think about it too much, i would have inevitably drawn that conclusion.

so, i didn't think.

instead, i stood up and held out my hand to him,"goodbye until tomorrow-slash-i could never rescue you?"

he grinned, accepting my hand. it was his favorite song from the show, and while i knew he wanted to talk about what just happened, he ignored the feeling,"let's do it."

i was grateful that he decided not to mention it. i wasn't ready to discuss anything i had just done, and i was hoping no one had seen it. i was pretty sure we were in private, but i wasn't the only one who liked to skip class and hang out in the auditorium.