Journal entry: 05
May 7, 2012
Time recorded: 9:51 p.m.

I have no words. I did something that forever changed me - and I'm not happy about it.

I betrayed myself.

I'm sorry.

End of journal entry.

--

May 7, 2012

Waking up the next morning, Baekhyun felt like shit. He was so incredibly sore and his body felt so odd. With a soft moan, he rolled over onto his side and peered up at the sleeping face beside him.

He felt a single tear roll down his cheek, while the one beside him sleepy blinked his eyes open and yawned. Baekhyun bit his bottom lip, and they smiled down at him before muttering, "Morning, puppet, did you sleep well?"

Baekhyun frowned and asked, "Puppet?"

They nodded and replied, "Yes, puppet. When I was younger I use to love those things, they were great, and you were great. You are great, so I'll call you puppet."

"Puppet," Baekhyun whispered again, trying it out. He furrowed his brow slightly and mumbled, "I guess that's okay."

Jungkook chuckled and patted Baekhyun's cheek. "I'll be right back, puppet. Wait here?" Baekhyun nodded. Jungkook smiled and stood up, leaving the room and closing the door behind him. But it didn't stick, and slowly opened back up by a crack.

As Baekhyun was putting his clothes back on from the night before, he overheard voices in the hallway, and knowing it wasn't meant for his ears, he tuned them out - all the way up until he heard his name being whispered.

"You slept with him! How could you do that, Jungkook!? Do I not mean anything to you!?" someone hissed.

"Jimin, don't be dramatic. It's not like it meant anything. I'm just using him, of course. I mean, for fuck's sake I just called him puppet and he didn't bat an eye. He's just too happy that I'm not hurting him to notice my intentions."

"And what are your intentions?" Jimin asked.

"To use him, obviously. Don't worry, we can have a lot of fun with this," Jungkook replied, a grin evident in his voice.

Tears rolled down Baekhyun's cheeks, and suppressing a sob, he hurriedly ran into the bathroom before quietly crying his heart out.

When he was able to more or less compose himself, he wiped his eyes and flushed the toilet - pretending - and turned on the sink to splash his face. After wiping away the water he walked back into the bedroom to see Jungkook walking back in. He was dressed as well.

Baekhyun didn't know what to do. He didn't know if he should confront him or just go along like nothing had happened, but after a moment, he did decide to say, "You know, you took my virginity last night," Baekhyun mumbled, letting his sentence hang to see if he got a reaction. There was only a flicker in Jungkook's eyes before it vanished, and he replied, "That actually makes me happy, knowing that I'm the only one who has touched you like that." Baekhyun merely nodded, too numb to speak.

He doesn't care. He hurt me, and he doesn't care.... How can he be so heartless? So monstrous?

"Is that all you can say . . . that you're happy?" Baekhyun muttered bitterly.

He hasn't meant to voice that out loud, so when Jungkook asked, "You heard us, didn't you?" he became filled with instant terror and began to stutter, hyperventilating as he gasped, "Pl-please? I hadn't meant to, th-the door remained op-open after y-you left."

Jungkook just stood there, silently watching Baekhyun for a moment longer before he laughed and threw an arm around Baekhyun's shoulders, causing him to flinch before he said, "Oh, poor naive, Baekhyun, I didn't mean any of that. Jimin is obsessed with me, and he still thinks of me as his boyfriend. I only hang out with him because I feel sorry for him. He's so pathetic. So Baekhyun, what you heard was for his benefit - that's it. Anything else, I didn't mean it."

Baekhyun stayed silent, studying Jungkook's eyes - and they seemed sincere enough. But how could he trust him . . .? He couldn't, there was no question about it.

"You're going to have to prove yourself," Baekhyun said. "Because I don't trust you otherwise and I don't even know why I'm even considering it!?" Baekhyun began to yell towards the end, frustration over taking him.

Jungkook was beside him instantly, pulling him into his arms as he softly murmured, "Shh, it's okay, Baekhyun. And I'll prove myself to you, I promise."

"I'll only believe it when I see it," Baekhyun muttered as he shrugged off Jungkook's arm. And then something dawned on him, and mouth dropping open, Baekhyun murmured, "Jung-Jungkook, what time is it?"

Jungkook shrugged and vaguely gestured to the bedside table to an alarm clock that sat there blinking the angry red numbers that proclaimed it to be two in the afternoon of the next day!

Baekhyun gasped and cried, "What!? How the hell is it two o'clock of the next day!?"

"It's called a hangover, Baekhyun," Jungkook responded with an eye roll.

"But I feel fine," Baekhyun mumbled.

"Yeah, because you most likely slept it off," Jungkook said.

Baekhyun's mouth formed an "Ooh" of realization and he mumbled, "Yeah, I've never drank before." Then on a more serious note, he said, "But more importantly, what am I going to tell my brother? Oh God! My brother!" Baekhyun felt tears form in his eyes as he cried, "He doesn't know where I am! Gosh, I'm so stupid! What is he going to say . . .?" Baekhyun continued to freak out, and it took Jungkook snapping his fingers in front of his face for him come back to his senses.

"Baekhyun! Calm down. I'll drive you home, okay. And if you have everything, I'll take you now," Jungkook said, his words calming Baekhyun's frazzled nerves only slightly.

Baekhyun wiped away the tears he didn't know he was crying and quietly murmured, "Thank you, Jungkook."

"You're welcome, now come on, so I can take you home."

--

When Baekhyun got home around three, he tried his best to be quiet, but he knew his efforts were in vain as soon as he heard his brother's voice calling from the living room.

"Baekhyun, is that you?" Baekbeom called.

Baekhyun sighed and slowly shuffled into the living room as he murmured, "Yes."

"Where did you go last night? Why didn't you say anything? I woke up and your room was empty, and your window, wide open! Do you have any idea how terrified I was!? I called the police when you didn't come right away, and when I finally called you, again, some stranger answered your phone! I could kill you, Byun Baekhyun, how could you do that to me!? And where the hell were you!?" Baekbeom's yelled.

Baekhyun felt the beginning of tears pooling in his eyes as he cried, "Baekbeom, I messed up. I messed up so bad." And then he clasped to the floor in a pool of tears.

Baekbeom acted quickly by leaping towards him and pulling him into his arms, as he softly cooed and whispered, "Hey, Baekkie, please, don't cry? I'm sorry for yelling, but you just scared the shit out of me. I'm sorry." Baekbeom continued that same reassuring variation of repeated words until Baekhyun was calm enough to speak.

"Hyung, I-I feel sick with myself. I never should have left . . ." Baekhyun trailed off.

Baekbeom soothingly rubbed Baekhyun's back as he murmured, "Baek, what happened last night."

"The biggest regret of my life," Baekhyun whispered.

"What did you do?" Baekbeom asked.

"I gave myself over to someone who didn't deserve it. My first time, and I did it with a piece of shit...." Baekhyun mumbled almost to himself.

Baekbeom's eyes widened and he gasped, "Baekhyun! You didn't!"

Silent tears continued to roll down his cheeks as he mumbled, "I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back."

But I can't, and it'll be my scar to bare.

Word count: 1,338