Sa loob ng halos dalawang linggo, wala silang ginawa kundi mag-process ng mga papeles ni Laurel. Uuwi na rin siya sa isang araw at maiiwan niya ang asawa sa Hawaii. Sinabi rin nito sa kaniya na pagtapos ng Hawaii, pupunta pa ng Paris para naman ibenta ang apartment na pag-aari din nito.

His wife just decided to stay in the Philippines for LJ, especially since their family was there.

Naramdaman ni Atlas ang pagbabago kay Laurel simula nang matuto itong mag-open up sa kaniya. Kahit maliit na bagay, sinasabi nito sa kaniya, ipinagpapaalam pa nga minsan kahit hindi naman kailangan, at palagi na siyang tinatanong sa desisyon.

Atlas wasn't expecting that . . . he wasn't expecting something from his wife.

Katatapos lang niyang maligo at nagtutuyo ng buhok nang makatanggap siya ng notification. It was almost midnight.

Paglabas ni Atlas ng bathroom, nakita niyang natutulog na si Laurel. Halata ang pagod sa dami ng mga taong nakausap. Pagod rin siya at gusto nang matulog. Nag-message lang siya sa ate niya at kinumusta ang anak nila.

Hinalikan na muna niya ang gilid ng noo si Laurel bago naupo sa kama at sumandal sa headboard para tingnan ang notification na natanggap. He thought it was a random notification when he saw the subject email and the sender.

Atlas frowned. He looked at his wife who was sleeping soundly. His hand was shaking. He was not sure what was inside the email. He was clueless because Laurel didn't mention any email, and curiosity killed him.

"Alcaraz." Atlas smiled while looking at his wife's name. "Legaspi now, ma'am," he whispered.

He took a deep breath before opening the said email. The subject, Writer's True Love . . . and that made him smile.

Atlas started reading.

Bored

Bored . . . I was just bored when I decided to open that application. It wasn't my first time. I've done it countless times, hooked up with different guys, left under the sheet naked, and played by men who thought I was trash. That was me. That's my life. I had no idea how many lips I devoured, how many used and left me after they rammed me.

That was me.

Atlas, nawalan na ako ng respeto sa sarili ko dahil pinanghawakan ko ang mga sinasabi at ibinabato ng mga tao sa akin. Nasanay ako na sa araw-araw, mag-isa lang ako. Nasanay akong kumain mag-isa, nasanay akong mabuhay mag-isa. Kinalimutan ko kung sino ako, dahil ikinabit ko sa sarili ko lahat ng narinig ko.

I embraced it . . . all of it.

Slut, future mistress, dirt, came from an embarrassing family, anak ng mga kabit, anak ng mga walang kahihiyan, anak sa kasalanan . . . at iba pa.

Simula nang umalis ako sa lugar na kinagisnan, hindi na ako bumalik. Nangakong hindi na babalik dahil sa sakit na ipinaranas nila sa akin. Naranasan kong kumain sa banyo dahil nahihiya akong makita ng ibang tao. Nahihiya ako sa mga tingin nila at lumaki akong puro na lang hiya.

Natuto akong tumayo sa sarili kong paa. Natuto akong maka-survive nang hindi humihingi ng tulong sa kahit na sino, kahit pa kapalit niyon ang dignidad ko.

I was a slut, that's true. Countless men, I don't know kung ilan na sila. Nakakahiya, nakakadiri, pero hindi mo ipinaramdam sa akin 'yon.

Our first meeting wasn't ideal, totoo iyong sinabi mo. It was taboo to some, iyong iba pa nga tataasan tayo ng kilay kapag nalamang nagkakilala tayo sa paraang hindi normal para sa iba.

We met to have sex, we had sex, lots of it.

One thing I liked about our "relationship" was respect. You never failed to respect me, Atlas. You knew I wasn't this nice girl. You knew I was wild. You can actually do whatever you want with me that time, I won't even care, but you didn't. You showed me respect.

Aside from your perfect your and you're, the way you talked to me without degrading me was something I never expected.

Unang-una, nagulat ako na artista ka . . . nagulat ako na ikaw si Atlas Legaspi, pero mas nagulat ako kung gaano ka kabait. Nagulat ako na hindi mo ako pinipilit sa kahit ano, na kung tutuusin, puwede mong ipilit iyong sarili mo sa akin, ipagmalaking artista ka, para lang maka-sex ako.

No, Atlas. You asked me . . . you asked for my proper consent.

You. Asked. Me.

It was a bare minimum that some males and females failed to practice. But you did . . . because you're a nice person.

You were gentle. In your arms, I felt something . . . I was valued.

You were touching me as if I was your prized possession, knowing I was just there to satisfy your needs. We were very open about that; we were honest about that. You were giving monetary gifts; you could've just done whatever you wanted. Slap, choke, ram me hard, but you didn't. You were always asking.

Baby, you made me feel as if I was a dream come true.

I liked taking care of you. I liked caressing your hair whenever you're tired. I liked it when you asked for me to be with you.

But . . . I was worried.

I was alarmed when you told me you love me and were drunk. You can't love me, you shouldn't. I don't love you . . . it was hard for me to love someone other than myself.

Aside from protecting you, I was protecting myself. But I enjoyed your company. I enjoyed our talks, road trips, food trips, everything. The fact that we don't have to bang just to be together, that we can just watch a movie and talk about things, is huge for me.

Hindi kita minahal noon, Atlas. Kahit ako, tinatanong ko iyong sarili ko kung bakit. Mabait ka naman, marespeto, sinabi mo naman na mahal mo ako . . . pero bakit hindi ko magawang mahalin ka pabalik? Bakit wala akong maramdaman? Bakit?

Nasagot ko 'yan n'ong naramdaman kong may mali na sa puso ko.

Protektado ang puso ko, sanay akong normal lang lahat ng ipinapakita mo, at alam ko kasi sa sarili ko na mas deserve mo iyong taong hindi magtatago. Deserve mo ang taong kaya mong ipagmalaki, deserve mo iyong taong kaya kang mahalin nang buo.

I could just pretend, you know? Puwede naman akong magpanggap na mahal kita, pero hindi ko ginawa. Hindi mo kasi deserve 'yon, Atlas. You were nice to me, you don't deserve anything na ipinipilit. Hindi ko kayang gawin sa 'yo 'yon dahil kung hindi man kita minahal n'on . . . kaibigan kita.

Noong magdesisyon akong magkaroon ng anak sa 'yo, wala talaga sa plano kong sabihin sa 'yo. Gusto kong ipagdamot si LJ sa 'yo, sa inyong lahat . . . dahil si LJ na lang ang mayroon ako. Siya lang ang alam kong sa 'kin, siya lang ang alam kong hindi mawawala sa akin.

Sinabi mong mahal mo ako, that night, under the stars, you told me you love me. I was trying to feel anything. Matutuwa ba akong may nagmamahal sa akin? Pero hindi ko nagawa. Takot ang naramdaman ko, Atlas, takot dahil hindi ako handa . . . hindi kita mahal . . . noon.

My fear made me who I am. Iyong takot kong masaktan kita ang naging rason para mas lumayo ako sa 'yo. Natakot akong mas mahalin mo ako, kaya maaga pa lang, umalis na ako. Natakot ako na baka hindi mo na ako pakawalan, mahalin na rin kita. . . hindi puwede.

Hindi ko makalimutan iyong nasa immigration ako. Nakatitig ako sa papel na na-approve na ako, nakatitig ako sa papel, pero nakahawak iyong kamay ko sa tiyan ko dahil alam ko ng buntis ako. I was already pregnant, your child was inside me. Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko. Sasabihin ko ba sa 'yo? Should I stay or should I go? And I chose to let go.

Gustong-gusto kong lumingon noong araw na nasa airport na ako. Gusto kong humingi ng sorry sa 'yo, gusto kong sabihin sa iyong susubukan ko. Gusto kong sabihin na susubukan kong mahalin ka, pero hindi mo deserve iyong pilit na pagmamahal.

Nilibot ko ang Europe. Kung saan-saan ako nagpupunta. I was craving at three in the morning, kailangan kong bumili ng pagkain para mabili iyong gusto ko. A part of me was thinking, ano kayang pakiramdam ng mabilhan ng pagkain ng tatay ng anak ko? Alam ko kasi . . . noon na isang sabi ko lang, bibilhin mo.

Noong magpunta tayo ng Tagaytay, napapansin mong sobrang takaw ko . . . but you're still giving me foods that I wanted. Natatawa ako kapag naiisip ko 'yon.

You had no idea I was pregnant, but you took care of me that night. You took care of me as if I was a precious glass doll . . . and you had no idea I was carrying your child.

For the first time in months, I called your name. I was in labor, the pain was unimaginable and I was gripping the sheets. Wala akong kamay na mahawakan noong araw na 'yon, sobrang sakit . . . it was the second most painful physical pain I've felt and I had no one. The nurses were interviewing me, they had to get my ID because I was alone. Walang taong magsusulat ng pangalan ko sa papel, walang nakakakilala sa akin.

And it was my fault. My choice to be alone, it took a toll on me . . . I was alone.

I protected you, Atlas. It was all part of the past, but I still want you to know that I did what I had to do to protect you and our daughter. I was selfish . . . but I was afraid that you might know my secrets about my past. Natakot ako na baka gamitin mo rin 'yon para kuhanin sa akin ni LJ.

It was stupid of me. Ang tanga ko dahil sa dalawang taon kitang nakasama, alam ko naman sa sarili kong hindi ka gano'n . . . but my fear, overthinking took over me and I decided wrong.

It took years . . . eight years to be exact. I stole those years from you but you never shouted at me. Wala kang sinabing masasakit, instead, you understood me. Inintindi mo ako, nilawakan mo iyong isip mo, at napatanong ako sa sarili ko.

What did I do in life to deserve you, Atlas?

Ano'ng ginawa ko sa buhay kong tama para respetuhin mo ako? Mahalin ako? Igalang ako? At pinakasalan mo pa ako?

Ang dami kong tanong . . . mga tanong na hindi ko masagot dahil alam ko sa sarili ko kung gaano ako kapatapon. Alam mo na iyong nag-iisang sikretong ibinaon ko sa kasuluksulukan ng puso ko.

Sinabi ko sa 'yo, dahil kailangan mong malaman. It was a secret I buried, but I can't marry you knowing I was hiding a vital part of me.

Still, you accepted me for who I am. Ano'ng ginawa kong tama, Atlas? Gusto kong malinawan kung bakit sa dami ng maling ginawa ko, sa dami ng desisyong hindi ko pinag-isipan, mga masasakit na salitang binitiwan, bakit ka narito sa tabi ko? Bakit mo isinuot ang singsing sa daliri ko at bakit ako?

Pareho nating alam na deserve mo iyong taong hindi ka pahihirapan. I am too much to handle . . . ikaw na mismo ang nagsabi, nakakapagod akong mahalin. Nakakapagod akong intindihin, nakakapagod akong makasama, nakakapagod akong pakisamahan.

Pero, Atlas, puwede bang makiusap sa 'yo?

Makikiusap ako na sana, intindihin mo pa ako. Sana kapag nararamdaman mong malungkot ako, hawakan mo lang ang kamay ko. Sa tuwing tahimik ako, puwede bang ngitian mo ako? Sa tuwing nakatingin ako sa kawalan, puwede bang samahan mo ako?

Na sa tuwing umiiyak ako, puwede bang yakapin mo ako? Sa tuwing nakatingin ako sa buwan, puwede bang halikan mo ako? At sa tuwing pakiramdam ko kaaway ko ang mundo, puwede bang ikaw lang ang nag-iisang kakampi ko?

Mahirap akong mahalin . . . pero susubukan kong maging magaan ang lahat, Atlas. Alam kong iniintindi mo ako, iintindihin, at maiintindihan . . . pero alam kong may limitasyon ang lahat.

Ayaw kong mahirapan ka, pero hindi ako mangangakong magiging maayos kaagad ako. Susubukan ko, Atlas, for us . . . for our family. I will let go all the pain inside my heart.

My heart was full of pain, but I must let go and make new memories with you. I wanna fill my heart with all of you. I love you so much and don't want you to feel all my burden. I love you and feel my heart flutter every time I look at you, knowing you loved me for who I am.

You accepted my past and never did once question me. You accepted all my flaws and never did once make me feel bad about who I am. You accepted all of me without asking anything in return.

You loved me when the world turned its back on me.

Natutuhan kong mahalin ang sarili ko dahil minahal mo ako. I learned to look at myself in the mirror without a doubt. I learned to embrace my flaws and love them. I learned to accept my past.

Hindi ko makalimutan iyong sinabi mo sa akin . . . na may past made me strong. It was painful, but that past made me who I am today. Hindi man maganda iyong nasa gitna, hindi man ideal iyong pinagdaanan, naging strong ako dahil sa nakaraan.

I'm sorry it took me long to love you. Your efforts mattered to me, my love. And loving you was the best decision I've made. I love you.

Atlas, uulitin ko iyong sinabi ko sa unang paragraph ng email na ito. Nawalan na ako ng respeto sa sarili ko dahil pinanghawakan ko ang mga sinasabi at ibinabato ng mga tao sa akin. Nasanay ako na sa araw-araw, mag-isa lang ako. Nasanay akong kumain mag-isa, nasanay akong mabuhay mag-isa. Kinalimutan ko kung sino ako, dahil ikinabit ko sa sarili ko lahat ng narinig ko. I embraced it . . . all of it.

Nirespeto ko ulit ang sarili ko dahil pinaramdam mo sa akin na karespe-respeto ako. Nasasanay na akong araw-araw, hindi ako mag-isa dahil kasama na kita. Nasasanay na akong kumain nang may kasama, dahil masarap palang may kakuwentuhan lalo na kung ikaw. Ngayon, mas kinikilala ko kung sino ako dahil ikinakabit ko sa sarili ko iyong naririnig ko sa 'yo.

I am worthy . . . and I am embracing it. All of it.

I am dedicating you to one song, Atlas. You are the one . . . I'll never let you go. I'll hold you in my arms.

You are the one

That I've been searching for my whole life through,

You are the one that I've been looking for

And now that I have found you,

I'll never let you go. I'll hold you in my arms

You are the one

Be sure to listen to it, okay? 🥺

I, Laurel Alyssa Alcaraz, take you, Julian Atlas Legaspi, to be my husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part. I will love and honor you all the days of my life.

Paulit-ulit mong sinasabi na ako ang pahinga mo . . . ikaw naman ang sandalan ko.

You said that I am your mirror . . . baby, no . . . Because you are mine. 

To more road trips, food trips, and a future together. Thank you . . . for waiting for me.

Thank you, Atlas, for being the only exception.

I love you . . . so much.

- Laurel Alyssa Alcaraz-Legaspi

P.S. Sorry, can't say it personally. I love you. Sorry, email, kiss kita. Love you!

Atlas covered his mouth so his sobs wouldn't make any sounds. Ayaw niyang magising si Laurel at makitang umiiyak siya. Ayaw niyang makita nito kung gaano siya kaapektado sa mga sinabi nito, pero natatawa siya.

It was very Laurel.

His wife would really do a vow or a message via email because she was better with words.

Ang akala niya, wala na siyang mararamdamang ganito, but the vow was different. It was something na puwede niyang basahin nang paulit-ulit.

Atlas locked his phone and smiled. Nahiga siya sa tabi ni Laurel, nakatagilid at nakatitig sa mukha ng asawa. He kissed the tip of her nose while silently sobbing. His eyes welled up in tears because it was worth it.

Years . . . took them years, but it would always be worth the wait.

Maingat niyang inilagay ang braso sa ilalim ng leeg ni Laurel para maging unan nito ang braso niya. Hinila niya ang asawa papalapit sa katawan at mahigpit itong niyakap. Atlas took a chance to slightly kiss her lips to her cheek, then forehead.

Nakalapat lang ang labi niya sa noo ng asawa, mahina siyang umiiyak, dahil inaalala lahat ng nakaraan nila, hindi inakalang darating sila sa ganoong punto.

They started off as fuck buddies, someone who would satisfy each other's sexual needs.

But at that very moment, they were married, they became someone who would be there for each other, facing every struggle in life.

Naalala niya ang sinabi ni Laurel sa kaniya ilang taon na ang nakalipas. Enjoy it while it lasts.

This time . . . he wouldn't think of anything kung kailan sila matatapos.

Si Laurel na ang uuwian niya, si Laurel lang ang uuwian niya.

From being the actor's hidden whore . . . to his own home.

With that thought, Atlas smiled. "I love you more, ma'am."

T H E X W H Y S