Atlas was quiet—no, everyone was silent.

"What the heck," Atlas whispered and checked Laurel's face. "Laurel?"

Nothing.

The woman fell asleep while sitting on his lap while breathing against his neck. Atlas could even smell the alcohol from Laurel. The mixture of alcohol, perfume, and the natural scent invaded him.

"Ang masaklap lang, paggising buk—"

"Amira. Ako na 'to." Job stopped Amira and lightly shook his head. "Atlas, ayos ka lang ba? Malayo ospital. Kailangan ka na ba naming dalhin? Kaya mo pa ba?"

Bago pa man makasagot si Atlas, gumalaw si Laurel na mas isiniksik pa ang mukha sa leeg niya kasabay ng mahinang paghilik. Mas hinigpitan niya ang pagkakahawak sa baywang nito para hindi malaglag.

Hindi siya komportable sa position nila dahil hindi rin siya makagalaw.

Natahimik na ang mga kaibigan nila. May nakalolokong ngiti si Amira habang umiinom ng alak na pina-mix nito mula sa hotel, si Jude na nakangiti lang, si Job na parang hindi rin makapaniwala tulad niya, at si Patrick na nagtaas ng baso.

"Sa wakas," umiiling na sabi ni Patrick.

Umiling si Atlas. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang mararamdaman sa nangyari. "Natatakot ako na bukas, hindi niya alam 'yung mga sinabi niya. Knowing Laurel, hindi niya 'to sasabihin sa akin nang hindi siya lasing. Baka bukas, hindi niya alam 'yung sinabi niya."

"Kaya nga I took a video, e," pagmamalaki ni Job.

"No, keep it. Don't show that video to her. Mas okay na wala siyang alam tungkol sa nangyari ngayon," sagot ni Atlas. "She's already sleeping. I'll just bring her to her cabin."

Nagkatinginan sina Job at Amira. Nalungkot si Atlas dahil hindi niya alam kung ano ang kahihinatnan kinabukasan.

Atlas carefully stood up. May kabigatan si Laurel, nakainom naman siya, kaya naman ingat na ingat siyang tumayo para hindi sila madisgrasya. Hindi maayos ang pakiramdam niya.

"Guys." Tumango si Atlas sa mga kasama para magpaalam. "Dalhin ko lang siya sa cabin niya, babalik na lang ako mamaya."

Pare-parehong tumango ang mga ito.

Mabagal ang paglalakad ni Atlas papunta sa cabin ni Laurel dahil hindi siya makapaniwala sa narinig. He had been longing for it since day one.

He badly wanted to hear Laurel say those three words, he wanted to hear it from her . . . but what happened was unexpected. Never niyang naisip na dahil pa sa alak, kaya niya maririnig kay Laurel iyon.

Atlas knew he should be happy, but he wasn't.

Paulit-ulit niyang sinasabi sa sarili niya na dapat masaya siya ngunit hindi niya magawang maging masaya dahil lasing at wala sa tamang pag-iisip si Laurel sa mga oras na iyon. Hindi niya magawang ngumiti lalo na at iniisip niya na baka kinabukasan, itanggi ni Laurel ang sinabi.

Pagpasok sa loob ng cabin, maingat na ibinaba ni Atlas si Laurel sa kama. Sandali niyang tinitigan ang mukha nito at tipid na ngumiti.

Nakapameywang niyang tinitigan si Laurel na itinaas pa ang isang kamay at komportableng natulog na para bang wala itong sinabing magiging dahilan ng panibagong takot.

Pumasok si Atlas sa loob ng bathroom, kumuha ng bimpo, naglagay sa palanggana ng bodywash, at lumabas para punasan ang katawan ni Laurel natuluan ng alak. Laurel reeked of alcohol so he knew what he had to do. It wasn't his first time seeing her without clothes, too, so it was okay.

Kumuha na muna siya ng simpleng T-shirt at pajama sa maleta ni Laurel bago nagsimulang punasan ang katawan nito.

Nakainom din siya, pero hindi masyado dahil kakaumpisa lang naman talaga nila. Hindi lang nila napansin na mas nauna palang nagsimula si Laurel at nakakalahati na nito ang bote ng vodka.

Habang pinupunasan niya ang mukha ni Laurel papunta sa leeg at dibdib, hindi niya maialis ang titig sa mukha nito. She still looked the same.

He met Laurel ten years ago, but her face looked the same. A little mature but nothing really changed. Ni hindi niya makalimutan ang unang beses na makita ito.

Laurel's shocked-looking face realizing it was him she was meeting . . . was epic.

Atlas wiped Laurel's arms to her hands and carefully removed her dress. Good thing she was wearing undergarments so he wouldn't see her naked. It was definitely not his first time because years ago, Laurel could walk around the house naked with confidence.

But that was years ago, and he shouldn't think about it.

As he was about to put on Laurel's shirt, she encircled her arms around his neck, making him gasp. He wasn't expecting that . . . and Laurel hugged him close.

Sinubukan niyang tingnan kung gising ba ito ngunit nakapikit. Nakayakap ito sa leeg niya nang bigla siyang halikan sa pisngi papunta sa labi. Ni hindi na siya nakalayo nang magdikit ang labi nilang dalawa.

Atlas could even taste vodka on Laurel's tongue when they started French kissing.

He was horny and drunk, and the woman he loved the most was hugging and kissing him. Atlas' breathing became ragged until he realized that it was wrong.

Hindi tama dahil lasing si Laurel at hindi niya ite-take advantage iyon.

Nag-iinit na rin ang katawan niya, he was hard, horny, and he wanted more . . . but he respected the mother of his child. He will never have sex with Laurel in this state.

He will never do something na pagsisisihan niya, nila ni Laurel, kinabukasan.

Nagmadali siyang bumitiw nang dumilat si Laurel. Her half-hooded eyes screamed drunkenness, and even her voice was raspy.

"Ayaw mo?" Mababa ang boses ni Laurel habang nakatitig sa kaniya. "I miss having sex with you, Atlas."

Atlas bit his lower lip while staring at Laurel. Her face looked pleading. She even touched her boob that he had to look away and started putting on Laurel's shirt.

"Atlas, please?" Laurel whispered. "Can . . . we . . . fuck?"

Atlas smiled and kissed Laurel's cheek. "Remember what I told you? Put a ring first, ma'am."

"I . . . wanna . . . fuck."

"You're just drunk. You'll regret it tomorrow," he whispered and caressed Laurel's hair. "Sleep tight, ma'am. See you tomorrow."

"Please?" Laurel's eyes were onto him. "Atlas?"

Umiling si Atlas at naupo sa gilid ng kama. Tinanggal niya ang magulong pagkakaipit ng buhok ni Laurel at kinuha ang suklay na nakita niya sa bag nito na nasa bedside table.

"Atlas?" Laurel stared at him. "You don't want me?"

Atlas smiled and started combing Laurel's hair. "You have no idea," he murmured. "But I want the assurance first. Not at this state, you married to me, and not just for sex."

Laurel pouted. "But I miss having sex with you!"

"I do, too. Kung alam mo lang." Mahinang natawa si Atlas at inayos ang kumot ni Laurel at hinalikan sa noo. "Good night, Laurel."

"Good night, Atlas." Laurel smiled at him and shut her eyes. "I love you."

"I love you," Atlas whispered and stayed by Laurel's side until she finally fell asleep.

Iniwanan niyang nakapikit na si Laurel at mukhang natutulog na. Habang nasa labas ng cabin, sumandal siya sa hamba ng pinto. Nag-iinit ang katawan niya kaya naman kaagad niyang hinubad ang T-shirt na suot.

Palagi namang nakabukas ang pool area ng hotel kaya roon siya dumiretso. Kailangan niyang pakalmahin ang sarili dahil sa nangyari. Laurel asking him for sex was too much already.

Then the kiss . . . then Laurel almost touched herself.

Atlas shut his eyes and felt the coldness of the night. He needed to calm down. His breathing was ragged, and the tension was high that he had to submerge himself in cold water to calm down.

Suot ni Atlas ang board shorts at naka-topless na naglublob sa malaking swimming pool na nasa gitna ng hotel. Solo niya ang lugar at walang tao.

Tumalon siya at nag-stay sa ilalim ng tubig hanggang sa habulin na niya ang sariling hininga. Inulit niyang lumublob sa ilalim ng tubig at idinilat ang mga mata.

Pigil ang hinihinga, paulit-ulit niyang inisip ang nangyari sa gabi. Ni hindi na siya nakabalik sa inuman at nang dumaan doon, wala na ang mga ito.

Umahon si Atlas mula sa ilalim ng tubig at sumandal sa gilid ng pool. Patalikod niyang ipinatong ang dalawang siko para suportahang lumutang ang sarili at tumingala sa langit.

Maraming bituin. Malamig ang hangin . . . at sa kaniya ang gabi.

Ngumiti si Atlas nang muling maalala ang mga sinabi ni Laurel. Pinilit niyang huwag alalahanin ang nangyari sa cabin at nag-focus sa tatlong salitang binitiwan ni Laurel.

"Tangina," bulong ni Atlas at umiling.

—

Atlas tried to knock several times, but no answer from Laurel. Alam niyang gising na ito dahil tinawagan niya si Laureen at tinanong kung nag-message na ba si Laurel at sinabing kaka-text lang at nangungumusta.

He even tried to call Laurel, but she wasn't answering.

Umiling na lamang siya at naglakad na papunta sa area kung saan sila magla-lunch kasama sina Patrick, Job, Jude, Amira, at Koa.

"Asa'n na raw?" tanong ni Amira. "Gising na ba?"

Atlas shrugged. "Hindi ko alam, hindi pa nagme-message. Kumatok ako, wala ring sagot. Baka natutulog pa. Dadalhan na lang ng pagkain siguro mamaya," sagot niya kahit na ang totoo, alam niyang gising na ito.

Nagpatuloy sa pagkain si Atlas at normal na nakipag-usap sa mga kasama niya. Mas madalas niyang kausap si Patrick dahil pinaaayos niya ang mga property niya.

Sina Patrick at Job din ang inasahan niya sa mga businesses niya sa Pilipinas. Nakabili siya ng shares sa ilang kumpanya at iyon ang nagsisilbing source of income niya bukod sa savings.

Naisipan din niyang pasukin ang stocks at si Patrick ang umaasikaso noon. Kahit hindi na siya artista, marami siyang napundar para kung sakali mang tumigil siya, mayroon siyang pagkakakitaan.

Gustong pasukin ni Atlas ang real estate at iyon ang naging topic nila ni Patrick nang bigla itong may maalala.

"Alam mo ba, Laurel owned some condo and apartment for rent?" biglang sabi ni Patrick. "Galing sa mother niya lahat 'yun."

Tumango-tango si Atlas at naisip na marami pa rin siyang hindi alam kay Laurel. She was too secretive for her own good and he would never ask her to tell him.

Nang matapos ang lunch, nag-stay si Atlas sa labas ng cabin niya. It was four cabins away from Laurel, but he could see if she went out. He texted her if she was hungry, she could just call the hotel and have something delivered.

Again, no response.

He stopped messaging after that.

Inaya ni Jude si Atlas na umikot sa resort and hotel dahil napag-usapan nila ang tungkol sa investment. Interesado si Atlas sa lugar dahil nagandahan siya.

"If you're planning to invest, we can talk about it," sabi ni Jude habang nakaharap sila sa dagat. "Maganda ang tourism dito sa Baler. Tahimik din and if ever you're planning to stay here, nag-enjoy naman si LJ."

Naisip ni Atlas si LJ dahil ama si Jude. Magugustuhan ng anak niya sa lugar. Kung sakali mang sa Hawaii pa rin sila babagsak, maganda na mayroon siyang investment sa lugar. Mayroon naman siyang mapagkakatiwalaan.

Dumaan ang hapon at gabi, walang Laurel na nagpakita sa kanila. Sinabi rin ni Jude na hindi nagpapadala ng pagkain si Laurel sa cabin. Nag-dinner na sila at lahat, wala pa rin.

Nang itanong ni Atlas kay LJ kung nagre-reply ba si Laurel, oo ang sagot ng anak nila at nag-video call pa raw nga ang dalawa.

Alam ni Atlas na umiiwas ito at hindi na siya mangungulit.

Hindi alam ni Atlas kung kailan sila uuwi. Wala pang nababanggit si Job sa kaniya na sinabi ni Laurel o galing din kay Amira. Sa tingin din naman niya at mukhang nag-e-enjoy ang mga ito.

Nakatapos ng dalawang movie si Atlas nang mapagdesisyunan niyang lumabas ng cabin. It was already one in the morning and he couldn't sleep. Kung tutuusin, wala pa siyang matinong tulog.

Nilingon niya ang cabin ni Laurel ngunit nakapatay ang ilaw nito. Maglalakad sana siya papunta sa hotel para kumuha ng beer ngunit nakita niya si Laurel na tumayo mula sa reclined chair at naglakad papunta sa dalampasigan.

Sobrang tahimik pero malakas ang hampas ng alon.

Tahimik na naglakad si Atlas papunta kay Laurel na seryosong nakaharap sa dagat.

"Finally, you're out."

Lumingon si Laurel at tipid na ngumiti. "Hey,"

"Hey," aniya at naglakad papalapit kay Laurel. "Kumain ka na ba? I asked the front desk kung nagpadala ka ba ng pagkain, hindi pa raw. May pagkain ka ba sa cabin?"

"Wala. Bakit . . . gising ka pa?" tanong nito.

Nilingon niya si Laurel na nakaharap sa dagat ngunit nakapikit. Nililipad nang malakas na hangin ang mahabang buhok nito at malalim ang paghinga.

"Hindi ako makatulog. Hindi pa tayo nagkakausap, hindi rin ako sure kung kumain ka na . . . tumawag din ako kay LJ, sinabi niya na nag-uusap kayo kanina, but you're not . . . replying," ani Atlas.

Walang sagot mula kay Laurel. Dumilat ang mga mata nito at tumingin sa kaniya. May tipid na ngiti ngunit kaagad na ibinalik ang tingin sa karagatan.

Humugot ng malalim na paghinga si Atlas at naglakad. Ipinasok niya ang dalawang kamay sa bulsa at dinama ang malakas na simoy ng hangin. Nasa likuran niya si Laurel dahil ayaw niyang makita nito ang reaksyon ng mukha niya.

"Laurel, iniiwasan mo ba ako?" tanong ni Atlas habang nakatalikod kay Laurel. "Is there any reason for you to . . . ignore me? May nagawa ba akong hindi maganda?"

"Wala," sagot ni Laurel. "It was me. I remembered what happened last night, I messed up, nahihiya ako . . . wala akong mukhang maiharap sa inyong lahat. I'm sorry."

Natigilan si Atlas sa sagot ni Laurel. Humarap siya at hinarap ito. "Nakakahiya? You messed up? So you remembered what happened last night? You remembered what you said? You remembered what you did?"

Laurel nodded without saying anything.

"And . . . for you, that's messed up and embarrassing?" Nagpamulsa si Atlas habang nakatitig kay Laurel "Nakakahiya ba talagang mahalin ako, Laurel?"

Mahinahon ang bawat bitaw ng salita ni Atlas. Hindi siya galit, pero nasaktan siya. His heart clenched and he wanted to confirm.

"Atlas . . . ."

Huminga nang malalim si Atlas. "Was it really hard for you to say you love me, Laurel? Kinakahiya mo ba ako? What did I do para ikahiya mo ako, I just wanna know. You don't have to answer . . . nagtataka lang ako kung bakit para sa 'yo, embarrassing at messed up 'yung pagsabi mo n'on."

Hindi nakasagot si Laurel.

"Do you really need to be drunk? Do you really need alcohol for you to tell me you love me?" Mababa ang boses ni Atlas. "I don't understand what was wrong with me. I . . . last night I . . . was afraid that this would happen. Hindi ako nakapagsaya kagabi nang sabihin mo 'yun kasi lasing ka . . . . You were under the influence, and I actually assumed that you might forget it in the morning.

"Iniisip ko na lang din na sana, makalimutan mo para kinabukasan, normal lang . . . a part of me thought na lalayo ka ulit dahil sa nangyari and you did. You isolated yourself, hindi mo sinasagot 'yung tawag ko." Atlas smiled at Laurel. "Was it really hard for you, Laurel? Mahirap bang sabihing mahal mo ako nang hindi ka lasing?"

Laurel looked down and crossed her arms.

"I figured. Kung nagugutom ka, twenty-four hours naman 'yung restaurant sa loob, puwede kang mag-order ng pagkain. You haven't eaten since last night, for sure nagsuka ka pa because of hangover," aniya. "I'll get going."

Nothing.

"Good night, Laurel." He subtly smiled and walked past Laurel.

Ayaw na niyang pilitin pa si Laurel, ayaw niyang mas masaktan pa kung may sasabihin man itong ikasasakit talaga niya.

Naglakad siya papunta sa cabin nang magsalita si Laurel. Mababa ang boses nito at halos pabulong.

"It's true."

Tumigil si Atlas sa paglalakad, pero hindi niya magawang lumingon.

"It's true . . . what I said last night was true."

"Then," Atlas closed his eyes and breathed, "then why can't you say it right in front of my face, Laurel?"

Nanatiling nakatalikod si Atlas. Ayaw niyang makita ang mukha ni Laurel.

"Turn around and look at me," Laurel murmured.

"I . . . I c-can't," Atlas stuttered. "Ayaw kong tumingin sa 'yo kasi ang rupok ko sa 'yo. I'm pissed right now . . . pero kapag tumingin ako sa 'yo, I know I'm fucked."

Mahinang natawa si Laurel. "Turn around, and let me tell you how much I love you."

Atlas froze and tried to analyze what Laurel just said. Tumalikod siya at nakita itong nakatingin sa kaniya.

"I'm sorry, I was a coward. 'Yung takot kong masaktan ka, 'yung takot kong masasaktan kita, na baka maloko kita, na baka kagaya nga ako ng sinasabi ng iba. . . naging rason para pigilan ko 'yung sarili ko. But . . ." Laurel wiped her tears while looking at Atlas and crossed her arms. "Pero paano ko pa pipigilan, paano ko pa tuturuan 'yung sarili ko na hindi tama, na sana bumalik na lang ako sa walong taon na ang nakalipas na hindi talaga kita mahal, kung mahal na nga kita?"

Atlas was staring at Laurel. Her hair was flowing, and she was crying.

"It took me years!" Laurel took a deep breath. "I am the stupidest woman ever for letting you go . . . and I would be the dumbest if I let you go again."

Seeing Laurel cry was the last thing Atlas wanted.

"Hey, don't cry," he murmured.

"I want to cry, Atlas." Laurel sobbed while looking at him. "My heart . . ." Itinuro nito ang dibdib kung nasaan ang puso. "It's you . . . you're here . . . I love you, but I was in denial because my fear consumed me. What if I hurt you? You don't deserve the pain! You are good! What if I—"

Atlas walked toward Laurel to stop her.

Without saying anything, Atlas cupped Laurel's face using both of his hands and kissed her forehead, not her lips. He heard a gasp, a sniff, and a sob.

Atlas shut his eyes. His lips were against Laurel's forehead, and he could feel her sob against his chest. His heart pounded. He wouldn't control himself this time.

"I love you, Atlas," Laurel whispered. "I'm sorry . . . I'm sorry for being like this. Sorry kasi ang hirap kong mahalin, sorry kasi—"

"Shhh."

Inalis ni Atlas ang pagkakahalik sa noo ni Laurel at hinila ito para yakapin nang mahigpit na mahigpit. Pumalibot ang dalawang braso ni Laurel sa baywang niya habang nakalapat ang tainga nito sa dibdib niya.

He could feel his heart beating so fast, and he was sure Laurel could hear it. He wasn't shy at all.

"I love you more," Atlas whispered. "Let's be official whenever you're ready. I won't promise you anything, I won't promise na hindi kita paiiyakin, I won't promise na hindi kita masasaktan. It'll never be a perfect relationship, Laurel . . . but I want to tell you something."

"What?" Laurel asked and looked at him.

Their eyes met, Atlas kissed the side of Laurel's forehead and whispered, "I will forever respect you, ma'am . . . until the end."

Laurel smiled at him, and tears fell from her eyes. "That's good enough for me," she answered. "I'm sorry, we're years too late."

"We're not . . . we're just starting, ma'am."

T H E X W H Y S