I wanted to start off this diary entry, with little to no introduction. Keep it short and simple. This journal contains several sections, each dedicated to someone who has impacted my life majorly some way or the other.

Obviously, you know who's number one. Oh, brother dearest, this one's for you. Just know that I love you so, even if our last words exchanged weren't so...loving.

So let's hit the ground running. Readers, allow me to introduce to you, my big brother...

KAI

"...And that's that." I blow a raspberry, rocking back and forth on the swings, staring down at my hands glumly. My feet are firmly planted on the ground however, so I dont go very far. My companion, Nadakhan Djinn, takes a large swig from the bottle concealed with a brown paper bag. He hands it to me, but I decline, "No. I'm going sober. This time for real."

"Whatever you say. And this diary? What's in it?"

I shrug. "I never got to read it; my parents handed it to Ronin before I could get a chance to. But it's in good hands, I believe."

Life's been tricky to navigate through ever since my sister left us. It felt like my world darkened to pitch black, and I was stumbling blindly, colliding into the world of alcohol and drugs more than once.

The word of Nya's suicide spread like wildfire, and her locker is now a shrine, decorated with flowers, cards, gifts, LED candles, as well as lots of attention.

Why couldn't she have recieved all this when she was alive too? Why do people only care when it's too late?

"Now my parents are demanding justice for Nya. They're holding the school accountable. I have to testify as a witness, as well as a handful of other students?"

"Other students?"

"Nya mentions some other people in her diary entries apparently. Dunno who, I bet you 1000 NGD that Walker kid's in on it. He and Nya had some sort of fling, from what I've heard.

Nadakhan scoffed, "Never liked that shitbag. Self-entitled brat."

"Hey, cut him some slack," I protest harshly, "He just found out his parents weren't who he thought they were."

"You going soft on me, Smith?"

"No! I'm just saying-"

"Relax, would you? Give Ray and Maya my condolences."

Nadakhan stands up, and the bag with the drink is placed firmly in my hands, "Take care of yourself, man."

He leaves just as the clouds go grey and a light drizzle splatters onto the ground. Setting the bag down, I dig into my pocket, taking out the crumpled subpoena. My eyes well with tears, and I sniffle, looking up at the sky.

"Fuck..." I mutter, reaching down and picking up the bottle once more. Unscrewing the lid, I place the bottleneck to my mouth, sharply pulling away just as the glass touches my lips.

I couldn't. I promised Nya I wouldn't. I wasn't going to let her down. Not again.

Kai loved me in every way a brother could love his sister. Sure, our fight was spur of the moment, and it was all out of anger. Did I mean everything I said to him? Of course not. Did he mean everything he said to me? I mean, there's no knowing what goes on in someone else's mind. Unless you have superpowers.

No, no. The only superpower my brother seemed to have was shielding me from any boy who stepped within a 25 mile radius from me. Funny, that's actually the cause of our fight. Before we shut each other out for...I didn't keep track of the duration. But it felt like years.

⚪⚪⚪

DAYS BEFORE NYA'S DEATH
NYA

I slammed the door shut, following Kai up the stairs, grabbing his arm harshly.

"The hell is wrong with you? Jay's just a friend!"

Kai turned around to face me, eyes burning with fury, "Just a friend, my ass. That's exactly what you said about Lloyd, and Cole, and fucking Morro too."

"You have no idea what goes on in my life-"

"You're right! I don't! Because ever since that night at the party you have shut yourself out, clammed up and ghosted me, and everyone in your goddamn life. All so you could go and do drugs, take shots, hook up with strangers?"

Tears streamed actively down my face, "I didn't hook up with anyone! You're pulling bullshit out of nowhere!"

"No, that's you. You're not the sweet kid who used to get straight As a-and keep the house in order and...you've changed." His cheeks were flushed with rage, fists clenched with frustration.

I sniffle, "Yeah, well, life has a way of fucking you up as you grow older. You think you know me, Kai, but there are a shitton of secrets I haven't told you yet, and you're just gonna have to accept that."

"I get secrets. I have secrets too, but I can't trust you anymore!"

"You can trust me, you just choose not to!" I fired back, "Instead, you choose to track my phone, break up any sort of relations I have with any guy, and try and keep me away from anything involving a damn social life!"

A startled jump escaped me as Kai punched the wall, "Well, if you hadn't become such a fucking slut, then none of this would've happened!"

Silence settled. Kai's furrowed eyebrows became relaxed, his mouth agape in realization, "I-"

I scoffed, my vision blurring with tears, a soft murmur following after, loud enough for him to hear, "Some brother you are. Fuck you."

Elbowing past him, I sprinted the rest of the way up the stairs and into my room, slamming the door shut.

⚪⚪⚪

"If you hadn't become such a fucking slut, then none of this would've happened." Yeah. He actually said that.

I never told Mom and Dad about it. Why should I? This was between me and him to fix.

Except...we never actually fixed it. As I write this, I've barricaded myself in my room, living off of old Halloween candy and leftover booze. Not the greatest supplies but hey, it's something.

Truth be told, I've had sex. But only with one guy. And we haven't reached that far into my story yet to reveal who the mystery man is.

So why does Kai have to automatically assume that I'm a slut? Because I'm not. 

Am I?

KAI

I place my hand against the worn out Bible, my heart thumping heavily, "I swear by almighty God, that the evidence I give to the court in this case shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

The collar of my suit sticks to me, my breathing laboured.

Everyone seats themselves, as Ronin stands up, approaching me, "Kai, is it?"

"Yes."

"Who was Nya Smith to you as a person?"

Okay, the questions are starting out easy, "She was my younger sister. My whole world, practically."

He gave a soft nod, "Okay. Have you and your sister ever fallen out? Like, ever?"

My breath hitches, my mind dating back to our last fight, and our last interaction before she...

"Yeah, we've fought. All siblings fight, don't they?"

"But you always made up, correct?"

"Yes. Sometimes it'd take a few days, but we always made up in the end."

"Kai, did Nya ever hint to you that she was feeling suicidal?"

"Either...she didn't and it just happened or...she did but I was too blind to pick up on it." Ronin clicked his teeth in acknowledgement, "Were you aware of Nya's journal?"

"Only after her death, yeah. I had no idea beforehand."

Ronin consulted his notes, clicking his teeth, "According to your records, Kai, it says here that you have a history of...anger management issues?"

"I- uh...that I do, yeah. I sometimes let my anger get the best of me. Or if I don't, it eats me up inside. When we act out of anger or fear, we can hurt people we don't mean to hurt. Even when you try to do the right thing it can get you into trouble."

"Exhibit A, please."

Several laminated sheets were placed in front of me. My name scrawled on top. This must've been my section in Nya's journal.

"Kai, I want you to pay attention to...here." He pointed at a passage covered in yellow, "Could you be so kind and read it aloud for us, please?"

"I..." My eyes scan through the section, and I freeze, "I'd rather not..."

"But see, I'd rather you did. Just the yellow highlighted passages, please. Unless the judge would be willing to do so-"

I'm quick to jump in, "No no! I'll read it. Um...'If you hadn't become such a fucking slut, then none of this would've happened. Yeah. He actually said that. I never told Mom and Dad about it. Why should I? This was between me and him to fix. Except...we never actually fixed it. So why does Kai have to automatically assume that I'm a slut? Because I'm not. Am I?'"

"So...you didn't mean to hurt Nya when you called her a slut?"

"I was angry, and I get how it looks, but I love my sister with all my heart-"

"And when you said you were trying to do the right thing, you thought calling Nya a slut was the way to go?"

My parents look upset. No, not upset. Disappointed.

I failed them.

Just like I failed Nya.

I buried my head in my hands, before finally looking up, tears smudging my cheeks and eyelids, "Look, I screwed up. I screwed up badly, I know that. And I'm just as guilty for my sister's death, just as much as everyone else in that journal. And all we can do now is honour her memory."

Ronin gazed at me in the eyes long and hard, "No further questions, Your Honour."

As he sat down, Eloise stood up. She was appointed to defend the school, as well as everyone in Nya's journal. Including me.

But I didn't want the protection. I wanted to be held accountable.

"Kai, take me back to the day of your last fight with Nya. What happened?"

"It was a few days before she...you know. I thought she had something going on with Lloyd, and then I saw her hanging out with Jay, all super close and flirty and touchy, and something inside me snapped. I stormed up to her and pulled her away."

"Could the sudden anger have been from your wanting to protect her? You've stated in your deposition that you've always done your best to protect your sister, did you not?"

"I-I did, yes, but-"

"So this is simply you doing your duty as an older brother, to protect your little sister."

I find myself scoffing,"I don't think calling Nya a slut is a way of protecting her. I was one of the reasons she drove herself to suicide. Otherwise I wouldn't be in the fucking journal."

"You and Nya remained together with minimal contact after the big fight?"

"Minimal to none. The atmosphere was just frosty."

"And where were your parents in all of this?"

"Uh..." I look over to see my mom and dad, their hands intertwined with each other, "They were out of town for an old highschool friend's wedding, if I remember correctly."

"Okay, so your parents decided to choose their friends over their own kids, before proceeding to blame the school and a group of innocent students?"

"What? No! Not at all! My parents didn't know of this happening-"

"Because Nya never told them?"

"I'm sorry, but do you have any idea how hard it is to gather the courage to reach out for help when you feel suicidal?"

"But she never gave signs?"

Frustration took over, "Look. You don't know my sister the way I do. When it came to emotions, she clammed up and wouldn't budge. She never talked about how she truly felt, and we respected her privacy."

"You mean you never bothered to ask how she felt."

"I-"

"Which contributes to a dysfunctional, hostile home environment, further linking to her bottling her emotions, am I correct?"

"We aren't typically the type of family who reveal all our secrets to each other. We deal with our pain by ourselves. That's the truth about us Smiths."

"Like I said, a dysfunctional family environnement. You may have been a contribution, but it was overall an influence picked up upon from your parents."

"That's not-"

"No further questions, your Honour."

⚪⚪⚪

I ended up packing a few bags, planning on spending the next couple of nights at a nearby motel. I needed space and some isolation.

School the next day was rough. The court case had made breaking news throughout Ninjago City, so now I had to put up with more gawkings students. The silent tread on eggshells around me began when Nya died, and now the weird looks and whispers surrounded me everywhere I went.

Might as well call it the walk of shame.

"Can you even believe the nerve of him? What dipshit calls his sister a slut?!"

"I feel sorry for Nya."

"I blame the jocks for this. They're assholes, all of them are."

Cole appeared beside me, tugging me away from the crowd of students, "Here, this way." He led me to an empty classroom, shutting the door before turning to face me, "Are you okay?"

"I don't need your pity."

"Look, man, I'm just trying to look out for you. It's not such a crime to do that."

Blinking away the hot tears, I sniffed, bringing out my water bottle, "You know I didn't mean to do it, Cole. If I could take back everything I said to her, I would in a heartbeat."

"I know you would. Listen, my testimony is tomorrow."

"Yeah. They're going in order, through the journal."

Cole looks confused, "What journal?"

"Nya had this journal, she wrote pages about loads of different people and how they each impacted her life and were possible contributes to her suicide."

"And I'm on this?"

"Apparently."

"Shit...do the lawyers know about my relationship with her?"

My eyes flicker up to glare at him suspiciously, "Probably. Why?"

"Kai, I broke her heart. I pushed her away, made shit up about her, boosted my ego and used her to..."

"What's done is done, right? What did you use her for?"

"Kai, I'm gay. I haven't told anyone, and I wasn't ready to, so I used Nya. I pretended to like her, pretended to be committed to a relationship, b-but she caught me."

My eyes widened. 

Crap. I did not see that coming.

"She walked in on me making out with Scott Unagami. And...even after all I put her through, she promised to keep quiet. I remember her exact words." His voice trembled and cracked, and I gripped the edge of the table.

"She said...'Though what you did to me was the shittiest thing possible, I support you, and I'll keep this quiet for however long you need because...I'm not that type of person.' She said that. She still cared, even after I cut her off and damaged her reputation..." He breaks down in front of me, fists clenched.

My left hand reaches up towards him slowly.

Slower.

Slower.

Before pulling back, swinging forward and catching him off-guard with a strong blow to his cheek. 

Ouch. That'd leave a mark, for sure.

He stares at me, eyes glassy, until I pull him into a hug, me now crying. Cole gripped onto my shoulders for dear life, as if he'd refuse to let go.

"I'm sorry...I'm so fucking sorry..."

But at the end of the day, life's too short to hold grudges. Which is why, I forgive you, Kai. I'll never know what the hell was going through your mind when you said what you said but...I forgive you.

I just hope you can forgive me too.