"Daddy's coming home today". My little sister's voice rang out excitedly, happy. And I knew that I should have been too. Or that I was expected to be happy. They didn't know. They didn't know what he was doing. And I didn't want to know either. But I did know.

It had been evening and father had come home from the market. Mother had been in the kitchen and me and Anna had talked. She had told me about the mean kids at school and I had only lowered the barrier to find out if she was telling the truth and telling me everything. It had been an accident that I hadn't put it up again before I looked at father. And I wished for nothing more than that I could undo it. But that was beyond my abilities. I had seen it and I would never be able to forget it. The way he had kissed him. How he had pressed him against that wall. How he had promised him his eternal love and the look in his eyes. That love I had never seen in him before. I didn't hate him for his feelings. I didn't hate him even. But whenever I looked at him, there was this certainty in me that our family was just his facade. To not stand out, to live his life and to protect himself. I wouldn't have cared if my mother and Anna hadn't loved him so much. They loved him in a way that he would never return.

"We have to hurry or we'll be too late." Mother's voice also sounded joyfully excited and she even held a small gift in her hands. It was a small pink box with a big white bow around it. She had probably bought him his favourite wine again. Anna was also holding something in her hands, a picture she had made herself. It showed us on the beach at a picnic. I admired Anna. She had this childlike cheerfulness that made everything look like a game. Mother took the picture from her hand and helped her into her coat, then grabbed Anna's hand and pulled her out of the house. I looked at the picture still lying on the stairs. I tore myself away and followed the two of them. We hurried through the market, turned into some alleyways and finally reached the harbour. A crowd of women and children had already gathered there. They were also waiting for their men.

"There's daddy's ship." Anna had climbed onto my mother's shoulders and pointed into the distance. As I looked around, I saw a man leaning against a lamppost. I recognized him. It was the man my father had kissed. I could only stare at him. Did he recognize me? Father had told him all about us, he knew us without ever having seen us. The crowd around me began to cheer but my eyes remained fixed on the man. Only when my mother poked me in the side did I start clapping. The ship had apparently docked. And just a few minutes later, the men stormed off the ship. They hugged their children and kissed their wives. When father came up to us and hugged Anna. Then he gave mother a kiss on the cheek. When he turned to me, there was that questioning look in his eyes, as always, and as he pulled me close he whispered in my ear: "Did you tell them something? I shook my head slightly and felt the tension disappear from his body. He broke away from me and turned to Anna. "I've brought you presents. A doll with a dress of the finest silk for Anna. A brooch of the purest gold for you, Evelyn.And a ring cut in the fire of the withe city for Mallory."He handed Anna her new doll. Then he put the brooch on my mother. Lastly, he handed me my ring. I would have been happy if I hadn't known why he had given it to us. He had a guilty conscience and this was his way of assuaging it. It was always like that. He brought us presents from every trip. It wasn't that I didn't like them. It was just that I loathed the reason he gave them to us. "It's beautiful, darling." My mother smiled as she said this. "Yes, thanks Dad, the doll is pretty. I think she looks like mummy." They both seemed so happy about their presents that they didn't notice the guilt in his eyes. It was always like that. I couldn't remember when it started with the presents but it had been like this for a long time. Sometimes I wondered if he had always done it because he felt guilty or if it was just a nice gesture to begin with. I could have found out, all I had to do was lower the barrier, but I would never do that again. Never.I didn't know how to raise it before, but I had learned. What I'd seen when I'd looked at my father had been nothing compared to the things my ability let me see. Once I had seen a woman. She had been captured by men in white cloaks. They had cut off her fingers and tied her to the bonfire.Then they had cut off a man's head and it had felt like it had been my own.I had felt everything she had felt.Many years later when I had already learned to raise the barrier I had learned that that woman had been a Aes Sedai and the men had been her warder  .There were ways to bound Aes Sedei and Wader. That they feel each other.It had been a terrible feeling and after that I had learned to build the barrier.It had been a long process but today it hardly costs me any energy.

My sister took my mother by one hand and my father by the other, and they skipped up the alley. I wanted to follow them. But after only a few steps, the ground began to shake beneath my feet.