The first decision I had to make as my own manager was: What do you want?

Do you want to be successful at radio?
Do you want a successful tour?
Do you want to kiss asses?
Do you want a career?
Do you want to focus on your life?

What do you want?

I noticed that my more soulful tracks weren't as popular yet my dance tracks were. The ones where I know I poured everything I had into them, no one noticed them. Sony never let me release them as singles. They told me that "kids don't want heartbreak, they want to dance."

So I decided I wanted me back. I wanted my soul back. I started on the 'Essence of Me' album and I'm gonna continue, no going back now. I wanted to say how I felt and if you didn't like it, then go listen to Madonna. I didn't wanna be cool anymore. I wanted to be honest. You can be honest and funky. I was sick of performing and looking out into the crowd at faces. I knew that if I made the wrong move I would never see them again.

I wanted bridges and chord changes and I'm gonna sing about love, good and bad, bittersweet endings and deep rooted hate and depression, loneliness, resentfulness.

I wanted to be sad, passionate, raw, vulnerable and free in my music. I wanted to be gravely and loud, I wanted to scream, cry, and smile. I think when I'm recording this album. I'm gonna have to record it alone. When I'm recording in the studio, I wanna close my eyes and feel. Anybody that's gonna distract me from that they won't be allowed in the studio.

I don't wanna hear anything about song structure. I just wanna be free to be an artist in the studio.

I clenched my sides, trying to ease the pain of laughing so hard. I was missing the hell out of my family, especially my mom. So I had a sort of family sleep over last night. My mom, my older sister Micayla and my little brother Steven.

My brother and mom were currently play fighting in the living room to much of Micayla and I's enjoyment. My mom had my little brother in a headlock, taunting him by taking off his glasses.

He clawed the table next to him and grabbed my picture frame. "Imma beat you with this." he chuckled.

"Put that picture frame down before you break it!" she demanded, snapping back into maternal mode.

"Let go of my neck before you break it !" He reached his arm back trying and failing to hit her in the head. My breath hitched in my throat before my laughter turned into a cackle. I clenched my legs together, trying not to pee and sprinted off to the bathroom. Everyone's laughter echoing through the house.

"I didn't wanna be the one to say this but I think this family's disinegrating." I yelled from the bathroom as I was washing my hands. I ran back into the room to see everything had calmed down and I took my spot back on the couch.

"We disinegrated a long time ago." Steven declared, smug look on his face.

"Blame ya' daddy."

"Oh we do." I assured her.

"You just had to stop and get washing powder mom. You could've went to Wal-Mart but you had to just had to stop there." She flicked him off and walked into the kitchen to check on her pasta. She's strange because she like to eat plain rotini pasta. No salt, pepper, cheese. Nothing. It's like a stress reliever to her.

"Any man that's hanging outside of a Piggly Wiggly. Is not worth your time." I yelled into the kitchen after her.

"It was Food World." She came back in and flopped onto the couch. "And y'all bitches here ain't y'all."

"Atleast he ain't my daddy." Micayla added in.

I shook my head and picked back up my mirror and mascara so I could finish applying my makeup. I held up two different lipstick tubes. One was my usual, a warm terracotta pink and the other one was a ruby red, a classic of mine. I swatched each shade on the back of my hand to compare. I frowned at my indecisiveness.

"Momma, which one?" She pointed to the natural one. So I swiped that across my lips. There was no need to get fancy anyway I was just gonna be with Jerome. I wanted to surprise Prince at his Detroit birthday show, and who better to talk to than Jerome. Prince is currently in L.A. for a show but he's busy with soundcheck and his show. He told me specifically that he never wanted me to come to a soundcheck, he said he never wanted me to see that side of him.

I looked down to see Nefertiti, my new kitten, brush up against my legs. I picked her up and kissed the top of her little head. She's one of the many I bought, out of all of them she's the most attached to me. I honestly wanted just one. I really did but one turned into six very fast. I guess i'm preparing to be a lonely cat lady. I had a ton of dogs when I was younger. By the time I was 15 I had eight dogs.

Coco, Toulouse, Ophelia, Fawkes, Cinnamon, Sirius, Strauss, and Bella. I loved them to piece but traveling with them became a hassle. I had to leave them a ton and then one time I almost got arrested in England protecting them.

So basically we were trying to enter the UK by ferry. I had met with Bowie earlier that month, because he invited me to his release party. He told me next time i'm headed for the UK take a ferry. I was like I don't know black people and boats don't mix I mean y'all kind of ruined that for us. He was like just trust me and I said ok.

Now when your traveling between two countries with the dogs, you were supposed to have certain papers for them. We got stopped at the ferry station. I was kind of pissed because they didn't stop anyone else. I didn't know whether it was a race thing or a woman thing either way I was mad as hell. Anyway they required us to provide documentation proving Toulouse and Sirius were properly vaccinated and I was very happy to declare Toulouse and Sirius were and with much pettiness I proudly presented the documentation to prove that their vaccinations were all in order. They said we were fine and said enjoy your ride.

We were, however, immediately stopped by some man telling me that dogs are not allowed to transfer onto the Ferry in a bus. Now my feet were hurting and I was ready to sit down. I had performed 96 shows out of the 132 scheduled shows and I was practically begging for a break. I explained that I was sure that is the policy, but the policy could not be referring to a private bus, that I had been living on and driving in for three weeks, but meant a public transport bus. He responded in a disrespectful manner,

"'Don't care, it says bus and this is a bus'."

So, trying not to snap, I, through gritted teeth, explained again, that there is no one from the general public on the bus and it is private transportation but nevertheless, he refused us access.

He was trying my patience, so I snapped and the back and forth between me and this lowlife ferry official commenced. I was clapping my syllables, rolling my neck, snapping my fingers. I ain't even gonna lie, I did the most but he wasn't gonna fuck with my babies. I guess we got pretty loud because some other officials came over and tried to defuse the situation, one man in a yellow jacket said to me, "If you take the dogs, when you arrive in Dover they will be killed!" But because of his French accent, I wasn't 100% certain of what he said. So I asked him to repeat what he said he yelled 'the dogs will be killed!' all in my face.

Let's just say the situation got so bad, the police were called and I ended up with some broken knuckles. I didn't hit the ferry guy. I tried to but my mom stopped me and I punched a nearby pole. The press was all over it for a while. Long story short. I ended up leaving them back home. So I only see them when i'm down home in Louisiana. Which is the best for me, my career, and my sanity knowing that my pups are safe and roaming free.

I felt another tickle against my shin, when I looked down I saw another one of my kittens. Soon the rest of my furry friends filed into the living room.

My mom wailed and lifted her feet onto the couch. "I told you about havin' all these animals in the house."

"Momma i'm grown."

"And i'm growner."

"This is my house!"

"And? Your my child." I rolled my eyes at her momentary childishness and got down on the floor to play with them, the smallest one out the bunch crawled on top of my head. Although he was the smallest he had the most energy. He was a black kitten but he had these big hazel eyes. They sort of reminded me of Prince, which is what drew me to him. I don't know if Prince necessarily liked me having all these animals but I think he sees how happy I am and he deals with it.

I glanced over at the clock.

8:30

I decided to go and get dressed so I could meet Jerome on time. Being late really isn't my thing, I'm not crazy about it but it's just respectful towards the other person, plus the sooner I finished with Jerome. The sooner I could go back to the studio and lay down the vocals and just stay to myself.
Maybe dig into my psyche and scare the hell out of myself again. I tell you my mind is a twisted place when I get too deep into thought. It always gets worse when I'm working on an album, that's when i'm really digging into recesses of my mind.

I waved my family goodbye and was off to meet Jerome. As soon as I got in he car I whipped out my tape recorder and my notebook and started laying down the a song that I think i'm gonna call "The Wind." atleast that's what I had written down. I was listening to a few old jazz records I stole from Prince's collection a few days ago and later that night, I had this really vivid dream. So realistic, so dark it scared me and it still does. Prince died in my dream. It was awful. I was at the studio, recording as usual and I turned on the TV and all over it were headlines of Prince dying. I cried and screamed and until I felt like my heart had stopped. I think I died in my dream with him.

Anyway I woke up in a cold sweat. I don't know if the dream was so bad as punishment for stealing or what. All I know is words came out.

The wind has taken you
You're free finally at peace
So still you lie
Leaving your cares behind
The pain is gone
Gone with the spirit in your eyes
Now you're wandering around
Above us
Looking downward as we cry
You've flown into the wind
Escaping all the hurt within
Took to the sky
Leaving all the world behind
So young to die
How could you let it all pass you by
And to the wind go so many dreams
That you held inside
Now you're just a memory
Burning in my mind
So young to die
How could you let life pass you by
And now you'll never know I loved you
And now you'll never know I cared
I really loved you
And now you'll never know
You'll only fade
Into the wind

"Ok." I clicked the button and wrote few notes into my notepad.

"The Wind" ~ listen to tape!!!
* let the song talks for it's self
* don't run & riff heavily over the melody
* Billie Holiday Ella Fitzgerald Nina Simone
* lay piano track first: slowly
JAZZ!!!: Think Harlem Renaissance

It was scary to think that I had in some way wrote my last words to him. I didn't wanna think about that. It's gonna be a long time before that happens.

I cringed and shook my head trying off the horrible route my mind had taken.
Thank God for my tape recorder. Sometimes when no ones around. I talk out loud just to get my thoughts out and I try to figure out the issues that I'm having. It's always the same ones. Lonely. Resentful. If I'm really down, both. I try to find the answers but I never do. Now it's a little bit harder to talk to my mom because her only answer for me is. "You have money, your successful, why are you sad?"

But she doesn't understand that only fueled my problems. Money is isolating.

But the best thing about talking to yourself on tape is listening back at yourself. You get to see how incredible life is. How much you've grown up. If you take time to look back at your life you get to see where all the dots connect.

Right now i'm only 20.

I do what I love and get paid for it, most people don't get that chance.

I can breathe. I can smell. I can laugh. I can dance. I can sing. I've seen most of the world, more than a lot of people get to see in their lifetime. And I have so many other things to experience.

I have such a long journey ahead of me. My 21st birthday is right around the corner, exactly 3 months and 15 days away.

I tucked my stuff away and decided to talk it up with my driver, since Victor wasn't there. He has other people he protects but when I go to events or press things he's always there with me. I ain't mad at him, he better stack his paper. Besides my driver was in a talkative mood today, and very open. He told me all about how him and his wife were trying to have another child. I told him I thought it was great, and he should go for it. Then a slipped and told him how only children were the worst. Right after the words spilled out I shot my hand over my mouth because I remembered that their son is an only child. So I tried to change the subject as fast as I could, and I asked how he was doing. He just flipped the subject right with me. Boy he could talk to you for days. That's why I loved him because he could talk to you for days. I can too but sometimes I don't exactly feel like talking. I just like to look and listen.

I pulled on my hood and stepped out the car and looked down as I made my way into the small diner. I looked around for Jerome, it can't be too hard to find him. He's got this big ass milk dud head. I spotted him in back playing with the salt and pepper and by the way he was moving his mouth. He had little voices for the both of them. I guess he got here early and got bored.

"What it is 'Rome" I held my hand out to him. He jumped and knocked over the shakers over trying to put them away.

"What's up Jasmyn."

I unhooked my arm from my bag and slid into the booth. I took a deep inhale, finally settling in.

"How are you?" I exhaled. "How's the tour? I heard it's a great show."

"Oh it is!" He started scooping the spilled seasonings into his hand and filling them back into the jars. I cringed and decided that I wouldn't be eating here today. "Prince has got us rehearsing for hours and hours at a time to make sure it is."

"You know how he is." I waved my hand dismissively.

"Yup." He nodded.

"Perfectionist." we said in unison. I reached into my bag and pulled out my notepad. I turned to the back and flipped it open to the page I started on.

"Ok so we shall continue from where we left off." I held my hand open and he smiled and placed a pen in it. I was in charge of writing stuff down since Jerome had shit handwriting.

"Yes we shall...so I'll sneak you into the venue and hide you out in a bathroom. Simple as that."

I looked around and then back to him. "Who the hell you gon' hide in a bathroom? Not I. Not Jasmyn. Nah uh." I waved him off. "It'll be a cold day in hell."

He sat back, slamming his hands into his lap. "Well then what do you suggest. Miss Jasmyn."

"How about I wait until the show starts and then I sneak backstage."

"Yeah have fun sneaking past the stage crew." He made air quotes with his fingers, sarcasm lacing his tone. "They all have big mouths believe me."

"Then what do you suggest I do, milk dud."

"Only my mother can call me that thank you." he stated, as a matter of factly.

I rolled my eyes and rested my chin on my fist, waiting for him to say something useful.

"Well Prince only changes once before Mutiny."

"Ok but how much time is that." I beat my syllables into the table. "Do you have the setlist like I told you."

He sucked his teeth and reached into his pocket and pulled out a slip of paper, he waved it in my face. "Sometimes your emasculating."

"If your emasculated by a 5'0" young woman. Then you have bigger issues with your masculinity than me. Now give me this." I snatched the paper from him and unfolded.

"When my ships come in I'll never treat people like this."

I bit my lip, trying not to smile. He was quoting Under the Cherry Moon. "How much money you make?"

"3,000 twice a week."

"I could just stay with you." I slapped the table in realization.

"That's not the next line. Your supposed to say 'Damn-"

I leaned over the table and cupped my hand over his mouth. "Shutup let me talk."

He rolled his eyes and gave in.

"I could fly out and you slip me a key to your room. While y'all are at soundcheck or something I could sneak into your room. Get ready and meet you there." I took my hand off his mouth and sat back, satisfied with myself. "Genius."

"How am I gonna slip you a key to my room."

"Leave it at the desk and say it's for me."

"But then they'll know your there."

"Then leave it under a fake name."

"Like what?"

"I don't know." I threw my hands up, irritatingly. "Debora I guess."

"Debora is a really white name."

I groaned. "Then put it under Tatiana." I gritted out.

"I don't know... you don't look like a Tatiana."

"Jerome if you say somethin' again. I'mma smack the shit out'cha."

He put his hands up in surrender. "Alright alright.......Emasculating."

I cut my eyes at him.

"Sorry sorry...so leave you a key to my room. Tatiana. Ok. But how are you gonna get into the venue without anyone noticing."

"You leave that to me." I smiled, deviously.

His eyes widened, in horror. "Oh dear Lord."

____________________

I walked in to see that my house was one again empty. TV was left on. My mom doesn't give a damn about my power bill. I dropped my bag on the floor by the door and drug my feet upstairs.

I was greeted at my door by a single lavender rose attached to an envelope. I picked it up and looked at the card.

'we're collecting moment, tattoos on my mind.'

He quoted on of my songs. I smiled at that. I flipped the card over to see an off guard picture of me from our after midnight excursion. I was sitting on top of the ice machine with my feet pulled up to my chest, looking up at the moon. It look almost professional. I had a camera in my bag and I guess he somehow got a hold of it. 

I ripped open the envelope and pulled out a stack of pictures. They were all of me, off guard pictures. My eyes widened and I felt a few tears well up in my eyes. I love him. I think I actually love him. I'm gonna tell him too.