Movin' On Up
"I wasn't alone all those late nights. I-... I came to you filthy every single day. I lied, I cheated. I led you on but Jasmyn I...I'm just..I love you so much. I can't do this to you anymore."
I was crying harder than I ever have in my life, I was honestly four minutes from a heart-attack. I saw him reach for me through my tears, but I snatched away furiously.
"How could you!"
He looked at me speechless... drained.
"Answer me!" Here he was having the nerve to look at me like a toy he broke on accident. "Prince...." I wheezed. "You never loved me."
"I always did and....I always will but I-"
"That's not how you treat people you love! For years Prince, you lived a lie... you let all this happen to us. And I forgave you time and time again but this time-" I gripped my chest again as a mother wave of pain set in. I felt my heart literally breaking as sudden realizations set in.
"I forced you to say it that's what it was...this is all my fault."
"Jasmyn if there are any questions you have i'm willing to answer them." he said, reaching out to me.
"Keep your hands off me!" I demanded, snatching my hands back
"Ok ok.." he sighed, resting his hands back on his side of the table. "No more secrets, no more lies. I want it all out in the open."
My brain was fried, nothing could've prepared me for this. I really didn't know what I wanted to know or if I even wanted to know anything. I just tried to focus on my breathing and keeping it stable.
"Who..." I wiped my eyes, complete disregarding my makeup. "How many?"
He shook his head, staring off into space. "God... too many to count."
I nodded, biting my lip and tasting my salty tears and the bitterness of my lipstick.
"Wow... after all the years I devoted to you... years! Years that I'll never get back you know " my voice was straining from all the pain.
"Princess I-"
"Don't you fucking Princess me" I threw my wine glass across the room as he ducked his head in shame as if he already prepared himself for this reaction. "Don't you Princess me. I drove myself off the fucking edge for you, and I wasn't even the only one."
He shurgged, teary eyed and lost for words. "It's my nature.... would you love me if I was anything but what I am?"
My hand started shaking. "Your nature?...." I felt my jaw start to loosen and years of frustration start to build inside of me.
"You kicked me out the house, so you could finish talking to Vanity, after us being together all night."
"I needed sometime to think"
"I fucked you in your studio booth, while I was breaking up with Michael, like an idiot." I cringed feeing disgusted with myself. I've never sat right with that one. Michael deserved a lot of things for the way things went down between us but that wasn't one of them.
"Wait a sec-"
"I got on a plane and come to Detroit to surprise YOU for your birthday and come to find out you have a fucking fiancé that you were hiding from me."
"I never meant to-"
"I hated you for what you did to me at that show Prince."
"I wasn't trying to hurt you-"
"I hated you!" I repeated, so those words could sink in his brain. "But then you took me out that one night and told me you love me and I thought about how hard that must have been for you. And I thought, this this is what a man looks like. This is how a man loves." I sniffled, trying to make my word audible through my sudden cycle of crying. "But you not telling me where you were going and sneaking out before sunrise, in the middle of the night, without even saying goodbye , that is not being a man, Prince....."
My heart churned at my own words and I could tell he knew I've been bottling up my feelings for a long time.
"I've never been enough for you, is that what is it? I'm not good enough?"
"No that's not it and you know that"
"No I don't fucking know that! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" I sobbed, my voice retracting to a whisper. "I don't know anything."
"Baby..."
"Don't baby me! I've had enough of that."
We sat in complete silence for half an hour. I was just staring at the floor. My mind was racing through every single day of our lives together. I was trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong. What was I so blind to? Did my mental illness drive him away? Or was he ever mine to being with?
"You meant everything y'know" I told him calmly.
He met my gaze, face drowning in guilt.
"You were a wonder to me and now you're giving up and throwing us away because you can't fix what you broke. That's not a man Prince."
"I'm trying to do the right thing here! I'm trying to give you your freedom!"
I slammed my hands on the table, running my hands over my section of the table, not even flinching as glass plates cups and silverware flew to the ground "I don't need you to give me my freedom! I am a grown woman Prince. I'm not some unruly problem that you push under the rug because you can't solve it. If you think you're leaving me because you can't deal with your truth then you got another thing coming."
He took off his jacket and tossed it onto the floor beside him and started to pour himself a glass of wine. We were having such a moment I forgot the waiters were here. The bodyguards were standing at the door making awkward gazes on the ground. It was definitely something they were gonna talk about when Prince nor I was around.
I kicked off my heels, making myself comfortable. All my fucks seeping away. "I don't need you to hurt me, to lie to me and keep me from doing what is right for me. I can put my damn self into emotional despair. I've been doing it for years."
"Like that Michael guy huh?" he took a gulp from his glass before pouring himself another. "That who you've been all around lately"
"Shut the fuck up and leave Michael alone, okay!" He was seriously pissing me off bringing him up. "Ever since I caught you lip locked with that... that-" i exhaled, trying to not re-envision that scene. "Latina slut bucket, he's been there more than anybody. Me and him were friends before we dated and we're friends now. And what makes you think I'd just fuck another person because you weren't around huh" I snatched the glass he was about to put to his lips and tossed it to the side with the rest of the mess I made. The bill for damages I've done to this place is gonna be crazy. He's paying it.
"I'm not you"
He screwed his face at me for a second but took it, for an odd reason. Was he done fighting with me? I wouldn't doubt it. Look at what he's doing.
I sighed, sitting back down. "Don't you think that I would have rather have been with you all this time?"
"We aren't for eachother Jasmyn, you deserve better. You deserve better treatment and I can't give that to you."
"You're such a sorry excuse of a man it kills me." I couldn't believe he was saying this. "You can give me that, you just don't want to. You wanna be a playa for a while right? A relationship cramping you style? Don't you get it? No matter how rich or famous or successful I am, when it comes to you, I'm.... I'm always gonna be that big-eyed 17 year old girl who you knocked down the stairs all those years ago." I felt my tears start to well up again, I had finally come to grips with the fact that our future was falling was apart before our very eyes. This is the end. The love I thought we had was built on lies and deceit and it wasn't real. I grasped both his hands in mine. I couldn't control my shaking and he rubbed his thumbs over mine in an attempt to soothe me. It wasn't working.
"Calm down, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack."
I complete disregarded him. "You were the first boy who made me feel loved and....and sexy and visible. Michael... he was my best friend and still is. But you Prince... you are my first love. And I want... I want more than anything, for you to be my last. You saw me as Jasmyn, you never saw me a novelty, as a product, as a toy but as a artist, even more than that, you saw me as a woman and I will always love you for that."
"But." he reluctantly started for me.
"But you're right, we can't do this anymore At least, not now. Because I can't trust you. So no, I'm not letting you leave me for any other reason other than the fact that you gave up" I gritted out. "You betrayed my heart and what little love I had left and that's something I'll never be able to do again and I've accepted that."
I started to feel a weight being lifted off my shoulder. Maybe, this is stuff I always wanted to say when he hurt me but I was so blinded by love I never could.
"I want you to know that I never want to see you again. Not on a billboard, not on TV at a party, anything. Because it'll just be another bleak reminder that something so beautiful could be so evil." I ran my fingers across his cheek, taking in his features as if it was for the last time. "And no, I don't want to hear about all your infidelities because that's your burden to bear."
I wriggled my feet back into my heels and grabbed my clutch, my tone losing its venom as I gave him one final look. "But I want you to remember that you have you and that's more than I ever had far as I'm concerned."
And with that I left him and was met at the door by my security guards, they surrounded me in a diamond formation and helped me into the vehicle.
I glanced through the heavily tinted window and saw Prince's silhouette through the restaurant window. He hadn't budged.
I returned my gaze ahead and decided as soon I got home. I was burning every memory that he was in my life. Every tape, letter, picture, pencil, notebook and pen he gave me. It was all going up in flames.
Just like our relationship.
By 3 am. I was sitting on my back porch in my bra and panties, clutching gasoline and matches like they were my children.
I took a deep breathe and whipped my hair into a ponytail. I couldn't risk bursting into flames right now. That's not the way I planned on dying.
I lit the first match and tossed it into the pit. The light from the flame illuminating my tear stained face.
I sniffed. "First up are all the pictures."
__________
[June 14, 1987]
"And we are back with Jasmyn at the world premiere of the new video for the hit single. U Got the Look. Many other artist haven't fared well with Prince. However, you two have this off the wall musical chemistry, it's almost electric when you two are together. Can you explain?"
I shrugged. "I guess you could say we have good artistic chemistry."
"How it is working with your man?" we both started laughing. I, however, was laughing for a very different reason. "I mean 'cause you know that could get tough, being in a work enviornment and y'know."
"Well.." I cleared my throat, trying to maintain my composure. "At one point we spent a lot of time in the studio together so there wasn't much of a difference when we decided to do the video. Nothing to it."
"How can you say that!?! This is one of music's most highly anticipated collaborations of the decade and this is one of your biggest videos for MTV. How does that feel?"
I snickered. "Great!"
"An amazing song amazing duet from what I hear a very sexy video to match. What do you recall about your experience with him?" she furrowed her brows to listen intently.
Too fucking soon. I started to feel a tingle in my nose, and I practically begged myself not to cry on spot. I forced a smile on my face instead.
"What a great experience." We avoided eachother as much as humanly possibly the entire time and we couldn't even look eachother in the eye. His entire team knew what went down between us and everything was awkward. The tension was as thick as my thighs and it was the worst time of my life. I wish I could take all the time I threw away back on this video.
"I loved working with him. He's fantastic. We had a ball. Definitely was one of the most fun videos I have ever done, because working with Prince he tries to get you out of your comfort zone and he convinced me to try something new. Which is why our single cover is the way it is." I saw a twinkle in her eyes, signaling she was ready to talk about it. I didn't.
She pulled it out from underneath the chair. "And here it is!"
I could feel my stomach turning inside of me. Thankfully she flipped it onto the back where you could see me.
"Now who's idea was that... for you to pose nud I meane?"
"I don't remember actually and i'm not actually nude, just topless...I have these black little high-waisted things, but you can't see them because of the shadow so " I chuckled. "I'm not technically nude, sorry to ruin the illusion guys."
"Was it liberating, telling the world that you're growing up."
"Uhm..I've always been quote unquote growing up and I think, to me, that was exactly what I want people to see for the next chapter for me."
As she was talking, to the camera. I just mentally slipped away. I wanted this interview to be over. I wanna go home. I don't want to be here. I don't wanna talk about him. I just want everything to be over. I don't want this anymore. I told myself I shouldn't have done this video but I wasn't going to let my personal interfere with my business but now I'm going to be connected to his name for the rest of this album cycle. If not forever.
"Tell us more about your experiences with Prince."
Oh my fuuuuuck!!!
"He is definitely one of the most pleasant artists to work with. He was great, very accommodating because we both have very busy schedules. He is obviously touring and won't be back in the states for a while. So I had to meet him in Germany before the video, and I flew to Hamburg and then down to Stuttgart to meet him. I guess he was playing there." I squinted my eyes as my mind went completely blank.
She snickered at my sudden blankness. "Take your time girl."
"I mean I was with him for like a week, just plotting and planning this video how in the hell I don't remember his show schedule."
The host bursted into laughter, taking both my hands. "It's ok your a busy woman."
I giggled until it finally popped into my mind. "Oh shit! Ok well, I ended up sitting in Stuttgart for three days waiting for Prince. Then I get a message and he doesn't show... like he doesn't show..."
"How did you feel?"
That damn video almost didn't get fucking made.
"I was so pissed at him but I couldn't be mad for too long, less than 20 minutes maybe, because again, we're both very busy people and in this business, it just happens."
I was sitting here lying my ass off, putting on this stupid smile. I swear to God, I just can't wait for this to be over. "But then I get another message that says, 'Prince says forget the meeting, he'll meet you in Paris on the day of the shoot' I was like okay. That was the only irritating thing about working with Prince was sitting in Germany waiting for him for three days and then him not showing up. But then again I was also in Germany for three days. So it's not like I was bored or anything." I shrugged, and flipped my hair back over my shoulder. "But other than that, it was just great."
"Did you interact with him a lot one-on-one?"
Unfortunately. "Yeah, and he's as straight and regular as they come. Not regular in a bad way, I mean just a regular guy. I grew up in the Louisiana and spent most of my time in the streets of New Orleans that is until I turned 11 and moved out here of course. That doesn't sound very long I know, but I've experienced a hell of a lot and he was just like a guy you grew up with."
"Prince... a regular guy?" She said as if that couldn't be possible. "Does that even go in the same sentence?"
"That's just Prince. He has fun with it. He's just a really nice guy and funny, very intelligent. Highly intelligent actually, great athlete. We played basketball, which he beat me in but between me and you not by very much." She laughed at me and furrowed his brows almost in disbelief, which he should be. I was pulling shit out my ass and I was absolutely miserable because of it.
"Prince plays basketball? In those heels and makeup and stuff."
I raised my eyebrows. "You would be surprised." I locked my hands over my knees. "But seriously, He was just a joy to work with, believe me Prince is for everybody."
"It's funny, because um.......you read a lot about how shy he is and with some people he didn't feel comfortable opening up with, so they had to work through a middleman. So it's cool to hear that you got to really work with him rather than semi-work with him."
"Yeah, I mean I've known him for a really long time and we had been talking about working together for a while. So it was a matter of just making it happen and it was great. I had a ball working with him in Paris. We partied together, man we partied a lot."
By partied I mean passive forced conversation because we had to for the sake of the project. Then yes, we lived it up.
"Care to share any stories."
I put my hand up. "Oh Lord no... just know he's a ton of fun and if you see him out, live in the moment and experience it man, he's boundless energy. I don't know when he sleeps, because we were shooting the daytime, he was doing a show at night, then he'd go to a party. He'd have a party after the show anywhere in a club in Paris. It was that way the whole time I was there. This guy does not sleep and when he does its light believe me."
Or alone apparently, but I digress
"Here we have some stills from the video." We turned to the screen and saw pictures of Prince and I from the video. Mostly of the times Prince and I were together. I've never wanted to burn a building down more than I do right now.
"Did you have an idea for the video in mind when you finally got to meet with him or did you guys come up with that dream concept together?"
"Actually, I don't remember, I think it was a combination of all the above." I decided that I was going to tell a long explanation in order to take attention from the screen.
"See the funny thing is we had the idea for the song first but no clue what we were gonna do for the video or how we were even gonna segue it into the Sign O' The Times Movie, he was currently working on the movie at the time as we were working on the video and I believe he still is." I didn't care really but maybe if I kept talking I could run out the time in this interview. "I know I had a couple of notes written. I remember sitting down with him and going over the concept, but was it my idea? I don't know. I think we both wrote it, and then we showed it to the director. It wasn't a talked about thing, everything kind of merged together. His whole show was kind of like a gray set, with major props and lighting. A Prince wonderland basically. Honestly, I can't remember who came up with it. But I had the time of my life and I hope everyone enjoys it.
"People have talked about working with Prince as a learning experience. Do you feel the same?"
"Oh God yes." He laughed at my bluntness. "He is artistry in motion. He is music. I've never met anymore more musically inclined or just plain as talented as that man, working with him in the studio was more than a learning experience it was the experience."
That I meant from the bottom of my heart. He'll forever be a talented man.
"Ok so U Got The Look, is there anything that comes to mind about the song as far as the concept or recording of it?"
"It was done at Sunset Sound during a period when Prince was re-examining dance music. He's always on some sort of musical trip." I mentioned dismissively. "Uhm I believe his exploration of funk at this time around was considering the influences of rap and hip-hop. At first he wasn't a huge fan. I'm not gonna lie but he's slowly starting to embrace it.... the only way that Prince can."
"Are you a fan of hip-hop."
"I am actually! I'm a firm fan of Salt N Pepa and..." I looked off into space, trying to list off my favorites. "I love me some N.W.A. I was a huge fan of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five back when they came out in 82' uhm Public Enemy, Run DMC. I am a big fan or hip hop and rap music in general because it's a voice for the black community. It's black culture at it's finest. It talks about our strifes and struggles as African American's. It bleeds reality yet it can also be fun ya' know. It's empowering."
He opened his mouth to continue the next question but I started speaking again.
"Not only that but it has such crossover appeal. Aerosmith and Run DMC created "Walk This Way." That song was a a perfect blend of two competely different styles. Rock and Roll and Hip hop. Two genre's created by black people, merged together perfectly."
He smiled awkwardly and flipped to the next question card. "You've collaborated with rapper's before, MC Lyte being a female rapper yet you don't see many of those. Can you elaborate on the status of women in music."
"Like most work fields in America, the music industry is a male dominated business. Strictly because of the business aspect of it. Not saying that women can't do the same thing but women aren't given the same treatment." I shrugged. "That's one thing I truly appreciate about Prince is his belief of women in music. He's embraced so many female artist and given so many female artist a chance. Sheena Easton, Sheila E, Vanity, Apollonia, The Bangles, Wendy and Lisa, Jill Jones, the list could go on. He has a true appreciation for women. He's always made music about women without being misogynistic. But there is a rise in women in music. More prominent female figures. Whitney Houston, one of the most beautiful and talented women I have ever met. Her vocal chords were forged from solid gold pipes I swear." I laughed. "Madonna is another one. I mean as a child I looked up to Patti Labelle, Minnie Riperton, Etta James, just beautiful women with big beautiful voices."
I ended up gargling down coffee like a mad woman after the interview. I needed something to keep me feeling something. I've just felt numb, my body has just given up on me in a way and I kind of have too. We walked outside to the roar of the crowd and I tried to keep my head down as we took what seemed like the longest walk in the world towards the vehicle. That interview was mind numbingly painful and I plan on sleeping for the rest of my life as soon as I get back to the hotel.
Love the hair
This way, this way.
How does it feel to be Prince's girl?
"OK, I'm gonna need everyone to clear out of this area." the head bodyguard announced to the crowd of reporters as he tried to push all of us through. "I need everyone out of here!"
Jasmyn , I love you!
Jasmyn!
Jasmyn!
I want your autograph please!
Oh, my God! I love you, Jasmyn!
Oh, my... Oh, my God!
I felt so bad, I should be taking pictures and signing autographs but I'm just not in the mental state right now and I hope subconsciously they can understand that I'm going through a hard time right now.
Jasmyn! Do you want this?
Jasmyn! Looking good, Jasmyn.
Jasmyn, over here!
You look beautiful, baby! Right here.
Oh, my God. Wow.
Oh, my God, it's Jasmyn!
She's so pretty.
Unbelievable.
You have the worse taste in men I've ever seen.
You and Prince are so cute!
I flinched at people beating on the windows, I pulled my legs up to my chest and was silent the entire drive, I was pretty talked out for the day
"No one walks in after me." I told the guard as he opened the door for me.
"Yes, ma'am." he nodded.
I tossed my jacket onto the floor and kicked off my heels.
________________________________
I decided to take a break from the Bad album press junket to surprise Jasmyn today, she's been down in the dumps for a while and hasn't told me what's wrong with her. I know she's having some relationship problems but she hasn't updated me on that situation. Not that I would want to know anyway.
She's just been really quiet, which is far from Jasmyn. She's a ball of sunshine or a flame from hell, depending on her mood. But as of lately she's always zoning out and deep in thought, and extremely distance. We barely have conversations anymore. She went to Paris and didn't tell me why, she just left. She came back and didn't tell me she was back in town. I just found out today.
She's usually a little distance when she's upset which I expect but as of lately she's been in this state of being, not living. I've been through it, so I'm coming to try and give her some company. I brought a few of her favorite movies and snacks. Hopefully, it'll brighten her mood.
I waved at her bodyguard as I was coming down the hallway.
"Hey! she here?"
"Yeah," he snickered. "But she's not to keen on visitors."
"Aw come on you can make an exception for me. I brought her food..." I held up the gift bag I was holding.
He adjusted his pants. "I don't know Mike, you know how she gets sometimes."
I couldn't help but laugh, I told her that her attitude is notorious. She's again, one of the nicest people but she gets really volatile when she's irritated even in the slightest way.
He finally let me through after much convincing and I called out for Jasmyn as I entered the room. My jaw immediately dropped. The place was in shambles, it's like a tornado came through. The couch was turned and I was amazed at that feat. Lamps were busted, mirrors broken so there was glass all over the floor. Her clothes were strewn all over the floor. I set down my bag and crept over the glass towards the bedroom. I noticed the mirror near the desk was bloody, as if she'd punched it.
The room reeked of liquor. The mattress was over turned, tiny bottle from the mini fridge were shattered all over the floor. I glanced towards the breeze that entered from the open sliding door.
"Jasmyn?" I squinted walking closer and there was her silhouette. I knew it anywhere.
"Jasmyn! Oh, my God! Jas, what are you doing? Don't. Jasmyn? What's going on?"
She readjusted her grip on the balcony railing. As I stepped closer I saw very clearly the blood in her hands. "Can you look at me for a second Please? ...Please?"
I watched her shakily turn around and cut her eyes just barely over her shoulder. Her brown eyes glossed over with tears, her eyeliner streaming down her cheeks. Her lips pouty and full coated in her favorite black cherry lipstick. Her eyes made her look younger in this moment, like a sad 8 year old girl who made her way into her mommas makeup.
"You still can't see me."
I saw her shakily start to push off her hands and somehow by the powers from God himself I ran to grab her
"No! No!" I took a firm and miracle grip on her arm. She gasped, her eyes going wide. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. "Grab my hand. Grab my hand."
She kept trying to close her eyes and I was wondering what she was doing until I saw her start to loosen her grip and try and slink her arm out of my hands.
"Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Look at me, damn it. Look at me! Listen to me! Hey! Shit." I didn't know what I was doing. Not by anyone's standards.
"Jas. Listen to me, listen to me." I was trying to shake her out the trance she was in, bring her back to relating and help her realize her hovering off a balcony over 15 floors up. I'm scared and she should be too.
"Look at me. I see you." I finally saw her eyes start to flutter open. "I see you."
She stopped. I was however struggling for dear life, some security she has. She looked down and gasped in realization. YEAH! you're living on a prayer right now.
She helped me pull her back up onto the balcony and we fell over onto the floor behind us. I grabbed my hat and placed it back on my head, trying to catch the breathe I lost and probably wouldn't get back for a few weeks.
I stroked her hair in an attempt to calm her, when it was really me who needed calming. She, however, was still as can be, almost too still. As if she wasn't fazed by anything.
That's when I began to worry about her, more than I ever have.
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