I tried to make a home out of you.

But doors lead to trap doors.

A stairway leads to nothing.

Unknown women wander the hallways at night.

Where do you go when you go quiet?

You remind me of my father.

A magician.

Able to exist in two places at once.

And the tradition of men in my blood
you come home at 3 am and lie to me.

What are you hiding?

The past and the future emerge to meet us here.

What luck.

What a fucking curse.

January 28, 1985.

I tucked the pen into the spine and set my notebook on my bath table. I had been sitting in the tub for a while. Wallowing in my thoughts. I've felt a little nauseous lately. It's not anything I've eaten. I know i'm not pregnant, I just got off my period yesterday. Michael was oddly up early considering he came home late at night.

3:24

I know because I was up. It's not like I sleep much these days anyway. Michael didn't know that I was up of course. His normal routine is to kiss me on the cheek, pull me in and drift off into his slumber. All while I laid awake listening to his shallow breathing until I got lost in my thoughts again.

He's watching TV in the living room, laughing so loud it echoes through the entire hotel room. I heard footsteps run up the down the hallway and into the room.

"Hey babe you have to see this stand up show by Eddie Murphy it's hilarious." Michael said as he walked into the bathroom.

"Did it just come on?"

"No I actually just caught it on TV, it's really funny you should come watch."

"I will as soon as I get done." He smiled and leaned down to give me a kiss, but I moved my head to the side and he kissed my cheek. He gave me a confused look.

"I haven't brushed my teeth yet." I lied. There was a knock on the door and he gave me another kiss on the forehead before he left to get it.

"Hi Michael." I heard Hannah greeting Michael. "She up?"

"Yeah she's in the tub.." He told her and soon after I hear her heels clicking down the hallway.

"Hey girl how you holdin' up?" Hannah peeked her head into the bathroom, a big smile on her face. Something I haven't genuinely done in a long time. I just looked at her, I didn't say a word. Her smile disappeared.

"That bad huh?"She hopped up on the counter and crossed her legs. I still didn't answer her.

"Still not talking to me?" I shook my head at her.

"Look Jas I-" She opened her mouth but stopped for a second, looking for the right words. "I know your sad right now but your going to the American Music Awards tonight. Picture it walking the red carpet in a designer dress, face beat to the high heavens."

I leaned my head back and closed my eye. "Is that supposed to make me feel better." I finally said.

"Come on your presenting an award tonight, you have to cheer up. Your gonna bum out the winners."

"Whatever Hannah." I motioned for her to hand me my towel.

"We have to start getting ready in 20 minutes if we're gonna make it to the red carpet one time." she told me. I snatched my towel from her and walked past her into the bedroom.

"Now Naomi and Gigi should be here right about-"

"We're here will you pay us now." Gigi walked in filing her nails. Behind her poor Naomi stumbles in after her carrying all the bags.

"I'm here too." she squeaked. I walked over and helped her put the bag on the bed.

"Your awful Giselle." She gasped and dropped her makeup brushes.

"I told you to never call me that!" I rolled my eyes at her. She hates her name.

"Oh shutup Gigi your name is not even that bad." I sat down in the vanity chair and took my hair out the bun it was in. Gigi started in on my makeup. During that time, I was entertained by Naomi and Hannah playing poker. Neither of them had poker chips, so they substituted with some skittles I left on the nightstand.

"I call your five reds." Naomi slid her bet into the pile. "And raise you two yellows." She plopped two of them in her mouth in Hannah's face.

"Naomi your supposed to put them in the pile."

"Kay." She spit them out and put them in the pile.

"Ew." Gigi cringed and wiped the powder under my eyes away.

"What are you stupid or something?" Hannah asked.

"Stupid is as stupid does." Naomi shrugged. Hannah looked at her a minute before she threw her cards down and walked over to us.

"So you almost done so we can get her in her dress."

"Yeah just one more thing." She swiped the powder brush across my face for the last time. "There now she's-"

"Oh. My. God." Naomi jumped up and ran over to us. "You look so pretty!! Your gonna look so good handing out that awards. Like that white lady that makes the letter appear on Wheel of Fortune."

"You mean Vanna White?" Hannah said.

"Hannah that's racist." Naomi put her hand on Hannah's shoulder and shook her head before she walked off.

"Was she this dumb when you hired her?" I shrugged and let my hair down and shook it and ran my fingers through it. I was wearing my hair down tonight. Suddenly a memory of Prince. We were laying down on the floor at Sunset Sound,the only rehearsal room with mirrors lining on of the walls. He was playing with my hair. When it went away, I put my hand over mouth to fight the oncoming tears.

"Jas you ok?" Naomi asked me, looking concerned. I shot up out my seat and pulled myself together, blotting my tear ducts with a random tissue I grabbed off the table.

"I'm fine, just a little nervous that's all." She nodded and gave me a reassuring smile.

"All you gotta do is read the card. It's ok sometimes I have trouble reading too."

"My god." I mumbled under my breathe.

"All right everyone out." I held the door open for them. Everyone filed out but Hannah stopped.

"Smile Jasmyn you look beautiful." I tugged a weak smile on my face, I honestly just wanted her out of my presence. She smiled and walked out

"Bitch" I mumbled under my breathe.

___________________________

"Smile for the camera"

"Look at the happy couple"

"Give her a kiss"

"It's Michael's girl."

Micheal reached over and kissed me on the cheek and waved to the camera. I didn't wanna walk the red carpet, Michael did. He swears he's not a picture person but he just wanted them to take pictures of us together.

"Show us the ring." a reporter screamed.

Michael grabbed my hand and held it up. They all cheered and asked for more pictures but I started tearing up again so I put my head down and blew a few kisses to the crowd and sped walked inside the building.

"Are you ok?" He ran up beside me and wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in.

"Yeah i'm fine just my allergies."

"In January?"

"My sinuses drain when the season change."

"But it's the second month of winter why would your-"

"I'm fine Michael!"

"Well okay." He kissed me and left to go to his seat.

"Man he's annoying." I mumbled to myself and continued blotting my eyes until I ran into some guy.

"Hey watch ya' step!"

"Well sorry no need to be an jacka -" I looked up and my heart nearly stopped. "Prince"

"Look at you using proper nouns." he smirked and cocked his head to the side, giving me a puzzled look. "Why are you crying?"

I shook my head not wanting to answer. I mean I really couldn't either. I just felt like crying. My stomachache that's been coming and going for months now subsided.

"How you been mama I haven't seen you in a while." He grabbed my hand and cupped it between both of his. "What's up? How come you don't call me anymore?" He pursed his lips together and pouted, which made me laugh.

"I've been uhm-"

A stage hand came up and grabbed my arm. "Come on Miss Jasmyn your award is almost up....yeah I found her." He said into the microphone and started pulling me away.

"Nice seeing you again Princess." He shouted after me. I turned and he was smiling at me. He gave me a little wave and I waved back. He winked before he walked off. He took a little piece of me with him and my stomachache came back.

"Come on Miss Jasmyn." the stage hand pulled me away to the Beach boys near the edge of the stage. They handed me the envelope and fluffed my hair a little. I peered out the curtain and saw Lionel Richie. Boy, if he don't look like a puerto-rican at prom in that Billie Jean ass blazer. I laughed to myself. Al shot me a weird look. Buzzkills. Prince would've laughed at that.

"In addition to her own hits she has been voted favorite pop/rock female artist 7 times, that's every year since her debut. In addtion to their many hits. Their still celebrating their 25th year entertaining with their unique brand of music. Ladies and gentleman to present the award for favorite black single. Here are Jasmyn and the Beach Boys."

We walked out and down the little stairs, waving to the crowd and such. Funny how their presenting favorite black single but it's a bunch of white men on the stage behind me. Guess they had to have one black person on the stage for it to make sense.

"Now its time to see the winners for favorite black single." I announced. The Beach boys were leaning over my shoulder, breathing down my neck and smiling. I performed "California Girls" with them one time when I was 13. I will never do that again, they are some of the lamest men I have ever met. Especially Al. I never liked him. He was a little stuck up around me.

"Caribbean Queen, Billy Ocean." Al announced.

"What's Love Got To Do With It, Tina Turner." Another guy who's named I never cared or will care to get announced.

"When Doves Cry, Prince" My heart started racing when they announced that.

"And the winner is.." I said, my hands were shaking but I opened it.

When Doves Cry - Prince

My hand shot to my chest. I had the biggest smile on my face and I couldn't make it go away. I felt my nose burn which meant tears were about to fall but I fought them off.

"When Doves Cry, Prince!!!" I yelled into the mic. Then the music kicked in and I did a little dance to it. He walked up and I placed his award on the podium. He leaned over, kicking one of his legs up slightly, and placed his hand on the small of my back and kissed me on the cheek. I giggled because his breathe tickled me. The crowd went oooo. Oh shit was all that started running through my head as I backed up behind him and joined the boys. I looked down in the crowd and Hannah was clapping, shaking her head at me. Naomi was clapping and smiling. Gigi was clapping, and glaring Naomi out the corner of her eye. Michael's eyes look wide.

"Thank you very much." Prince smiled and walked back into the crowd.

"Shortest acceptance speech ever." Al whispered into my ear as he clapped. I shot him a glare and he looked to the side and then back at me, when he noticed my face didn't change he turned around to face forward.