Mother dearest

Let me inherit the earth

Teach me how to make him beg

Let me make up for the years he made you wait

Did he bend your reflection

Did he make you forget your own name

Did he convince you he was a God

Did he make you get on your knees daily

Do his eyes close like doors

Are you a slave to the back of his head

Am I talking about your husband or your father

"Hi mommy!" I hugged my mother before we took our seat. I decided to come down home and take my mother out lunch. I missed my mama, she's my best friend. She's probably the only one who really understands me.

"How ya' been." she smiled, placing her hand on top of mine.

"Good mommy good a lot of new things. A lot of changing." I sighed in relief. "A lot of growing up."

"That's good to see you taking control of your life." The waiter came over and she was a little jumpy. I get a lot of waiters like this.

"So what can I start you ladies off with?"

"Sweet tea" my mom said. I told her the same. "Are you ready to order?"

"Can you give us a few minutes." I told her and she bowed and left. What's with everyone bowing at me.

"What you 'bout to eat mama."

She shrugged looking over the menu. "I'm thinkin' some grilled chicken with sauted onions and mushrooms with a side of this wild rice they got and a caesar salad on the side."

"I'm thinkin' a black bean burger with a side of french fries ."

"Still a vegetarian huh? When are you ever gonna grow out of that and eat some real food." she chuckled. I lowered my menu a little and raised my brow at her.

"As soon as you grown out of being in an abusive relationship." She closed her menu and set it down.

"Jasmyn, I don't have time for this today."

I put my hand over my chest. "My my I almost forgot you gotta get back to the house to be cussed out again."

"Jasmyn!!"

"Well it's the truth isn't it."

"What I do with my life is none of your business and i'm still your mama neva' forget that." I rolled my eyes at her and huffed.

"Whatever mama." We sat in silence for a while until our drinks came. She wouldn't look at me when she gave the waiter her order. I got this bad feeling in my stomach, this always happened when we got into it like this.

"Mama i'm sorry." She smiled and raised her eyebrow.

"I know."  She knows me so well. I smiled little watching her take sips from her drink.

"Mama..." I started playing with my straw. "What do you think about relationships."

"They suck, no one needs 'em." She waved her hand dismissively "I say have friends but even keep them at a distance. No one needs to be too close to you. They get too close they can be in your personal space then can take your feelings and use 'em against you."

"But what about fallin' in love and soulmates and all that shit they fed us in those fairytales."

"Well thats what they are ain't they fairy tales and I ain't seen not one fairy." I looked off to the side in thought. The waitress came back with out food and mama reached out her hands so we could pray over the food, after that she dug in. I watched her for a minute. 

"Why are you afraid of love mama." I asked.

She flashed a look at me before she looked back down an started cutting up her chicken. "I'm not afraid of it but i've done that all ready. Besides there are different types of love. Lovin' your kid, lovin' your family. I'm just sick a' bullshit." and she flinched a little when she hit the bottom of her plate with her knife.

"Then why your still with daddy?" I squinted and popped a french fry in my mouth. She froze while she was eating and sighed.

"I don't know Jasmyn."

'You don't know. How long have you not known, 20 years."

"It's not that it's just....." she paused in thought. "It's an 'I know him' he's a comfort now I know it's not a comfortable situation but I know him."

"Well why don't you just find someone else."

"Dating is a hassle." She shrugged.

"Do you even try anymore mama, like mama do you even care?"

"He should've loved me when I was lovin' him but he wanted to be a little play boy. So now he gets what he gets. Yo' daddy always says I have a fuck that attitude, but it keeps me from being angry. You can't ever make somebody do what they don't wanna do and you shouldn't have to." Then she squinted at me. "What's goin' on with you and Michael, everything was all peachy king last time I saw y'all"

"He suggested a PR relationship."

"PR?!" She scrunched her face up. "What happened to the one y'all got?"

"It's not there anymore and we both know that" I took a bite of my burger and sipped my sweet tea. Lord it's good to be home. "Mama why is love so hard?" I muffled.

"Loving someone is a life experience you put yourself at risk when you love someone and when you decide to love someone you take that risk."

"Well what about you mama?"

"At this point in my life i'm tired of the risking. I don't even take these risks for money." she chuckled.

"Well mama what am I gonna do about Michael."

"You almost grown figure it out." She sipped her tea.

"Mama!!!"

"All I can tell you is don't fake your happiness." She looked around and then leaned in. "However, If you agree then you must set your conditions. Let him know this is not gonna last long, that you will do other things. Do you hear me Jasmyn? Keep it at conditions." She sat back and went back to eating her food.

"Mama when we were younger, after you left daddy. Why did you get back together with him when he came back?" She looked at me and sighed.

"I lost myself....lost myself with my children....lost myself with him. You always lose who you are to give people what you think they need." She looked up. "you stop caring about yourself and you put yourself on the back burner until everyone is happy and satisfied, while your surviving, not living."

"But you always told me that you guys wouldn't be together if their was no us."

"Y'all needed a father figure in your life. You learned something from him, it may not be what you envision but you have that father figure to play off of. I never had that. My father was such and such. I can't tell you about my father because he was always drunk. Him and yo' grandma divorced when I was a baby. So I never really met him."

"Did he ever see us."

"No, well he may have seen pictures but he never saw y'all in person. Jasmyn you put effort into those who put effort into you, I feel like people should make an effort, he never did, I was his only daughter and he didn't even make effort with me. I remember one time I was at a party and he was there and I remember we locked eyes across the room. And he ignored me. He didn't come and say one word to me. I was 16. That's when I knew..." Her voice trailed off. Well I figured now is a good time as any to tell her all about Prince. Boy did I tell her everything. From 1982 all the way until the the American Music Awards.

"Sounds like you like him. I like him I like that song whats it called? How can you just leave me standing or somethin' like that."

"When Doves Cry." I chuckled. "Yes I do like him mommy but he's in a relationship. He has a girlfriend."

"I ain't raise no home wrecker now." she looked at me sternly.

"Oh don't worry mama, his relationship is as bad as mine." I waved at her.

"Weigh you options and see what the backlash for ending a long relationship and starting a new one. I mean that's if you want to take that risk and start anew." The waiter came and took our plates and set the check down. I dug out my wallet and pulled out my black card.

"Why don't I just leave now."

"No I wouldn't do that because you have not fixed the problem, you have not came to a resolution in your old relationship. Once you see that the old problems cannot be solved then you can move onto the next relationship. Because you could have the same problem with the next problem." The waiter came back and took my card, she bowed and said she'll be right back. Not before she asked for an autograph. I smiled and signed it and took a picture, then she left. So I turned my attention back to mama.

"If I do agree to the PR relationship mama, how long should it last?"

"Oh 3 months girl." She went back to applying her red lipstick. I love how my mother is brown-skinned, her chocolate self. She looks so young to be 40. But again 40 is young and black don't crack. Ha.

"Jasmyn after 3 months you need to get a grip on life. At some point, you have to think how long you gon' fake bein' happy with somebody?"

Take one pint of water

Add a half a pound of sugar

The juice of eight lemons

The zest of half lemon

Pour the water from one jug then into the other several times

Strain through a clean napkin

Mother

The alchemist

You spun gold out of this hard life

Conjured beauty from the things left behind

Found healing where it did not live

Discovered the antidote in your own kitchen

Broke the curse with your own two hands

Mama once told me that nothing real can be threatened

That true love can bring salvation back into me

With every tear comes redemption

So we're gonna heal

We're gonna start again