Denial
I tried to change.
Closed my mouth more.
Tried to be softer, prettier, less awake.
Fasted for 60 days,
wore white
abstained from mirrors
abstained from sex.
Slowly did not speak another word.
In that time my hair I grew past my ankles.
I slept on a mat on a floor
I swallowed a sword.
I levitated.
Went to the basement, confessed my sins and was baptized in a river.
Got on my knees and said Amen
And said I mean
I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet.
I threw myself into a volcano
I drank the blood and drank the wine.
I sat alone in bed and bent at the waist for God.
I crossed myself in thought
I saw the devil.
I grew thickened skin on my feet
I bathed in bleach and plugged my menses with pages from the Holy Book,
But still inside me coiled deep was the need to know.
Are you cheating on me?
Michael and I had a crazy argument when we got home. I remember I was jetlagged because I wanted to fly home right after the show. I'm not the biggest fan of New York City. I love shopping in Soho but it's really noisy and being from the bayou doesn't really prepare you for it either.
Anyway he was quiet the entire flight but he wanted to talk my ear off when we got home. And by talk I mean yell. I didn't listen to him much. I was too tired. He's lucky I was tired because he raised his voice to the "get knocked the hell out" octave. All I remember is he said "Do you know how you just made me look?" then he proceeded to yell at me about how I "punked him out." on national television. I have never seen Michael get as mad at me as he did last night. Normally he kisses me and tells me its ok. Last night was something I have never seen before. Since he was so mad about Prince. I decided to confront him about being at the "studio" all night and coming home at 3:00 in the morning. He procceded to stutter excuses until he stormed out. He hasn't been back since. Either he went "to the studio" to get what he hasn't been getting from me or he's at Havenhurst across town. I don't know I wouldn't put it past Michael to be with Diana.
"Damn Jasmyn, you could start a home depot with all the flowers in this room." Gigi bursted out. "Why does Michael get you all these anyway? Guilty conscience?"
"Girl Michael ain't buy me shit."
"If it wasn't Michael then it was-Ooooooh"
"Exactly." I placed my notebook down and stuff it under my mattress. Naomi came back into my bedroom with a bowl of popcorn and took a seat on the pile of pillows her and Gigi made on the floor. I had been hanging out with Naomi a lot lately. She's the only person that doesn't criticize what I do every 30 seconds. It's quite a relief.
"Ok your debuting Vision of Love at the Grammy's exactly a month from today. Any ideas?" Gigi tilted her head up at me while she watched TV.
"Oh I have an idea!" Naomi sat up.
"Tell us!" I scooted to the end of the bed. She put the bowl down and wiped her hands on her pants.
"We make hamburgers but wiener shaped right, and we put them on hot dog buns and we call 'em hotdergers!"
Me and Gigi looked at each other and then back to Naomi.
"I don't care i'm gonna do it anyway," she shrugged and flopped back into the pile. Gigi blinked a couple of times before turning back to me.
"Okay uhm any ideas for the outfit."
"I want to keep it casual, nothing too serious. I want them to focus on what i'm singing not what i'm wearing. A simple dress, a microphone and my band."
"So I'm thinking Motown girl group style. You know a smokey eye maybe a nude lip. A sexy floor length gown that hangs off the shoulders, very form fitting. Maybe a red because red is always sexy." She looked over shoulder. "Mimi you can do that right?"
Naomi cut her eyes. "Oh my ideas matter now?"
Gigi grit her teeth. "Naomi I swear to-"
"Are you crazy!!" Hannah busted into the room waving a magazine over her head. Veronica right behind her holding a stack of magazines.
"What were you pulling last night?" Veronica scolded me as she dropped the pile onto the floor on the side of the bed.
"What are y'all talkin' about?" I swung my feet over the side of the bed and slid my feet into my slipper booties.
"Let's see Rolling Stone." Hannah closed it and held up the cover and it was a picture of Prince kissing my cheek. "Prince scores: A Hot Movie, A Hit Album, and A Hot Rock "
"Pop's Love Affair." Veronica held up a copy Right On! magazine.
"The Princess and Prince. People magazine." Hannah tossed into my lap. I picked it up and looked at it. You had to admit we did looks pretty cute.
"That one's clever you have to give it to 'em." Naomi smiled and plopped a piece of popcorn in her mouth.
"I told you to protect your brand at all times." Veronica dropped to her knees and sifted through all the magazine. "We spent years crafting your image. You can't destroy everything we've worked for all for someone like him."
"Oh someone who actually cares about me? Someone who sees me as a person and not a product."
"Listen to this " Hannah flipped through a magazine.
Did she just? "Are you just gonna ignore what I said or-"
"Has Prince won this battle too? Prince has dominated the music scene ever since his release of 1984's Purple Rain, knocking Michael Jackson's Thriller out of its place at number one. Last night at the American Music Awards his royal badness took home many awards, including Favorite Black Album, which also beat out Michael Jackson's Thriller. But has he also decided to take home Michael's girl as well? After winning the award for Favorite Black single, he celebrated his victory by planting a kiss on the cheek of the pint-sized pop star. And judging by the way her face lit up, he knocked Michael out of her number one spot as well. Sources have spotted the two together on several occasions and they have no problem showing their affection.-They have pictures Jasmyn pictures." She held up the magazine, the way she was shaking it I couldn't really see anything. Naomi sat up on her knees and snatched it from Hannah.
"Aww y'all are so cute." Naomi smiled, running her fingers over the pictures. "Go get yours girl, get yours. You look so happy."
"You look like a cheating whore." Veronica lit a cigarette and started pacing the room. I had to look at her for a minute and calm my nerves because I almost snapped. I got up and snatched the cigarette out her hand.
"Hey what are you-"
"Bitch we don't smoke in here." I tossed it on the floor and put it out.
"Jasmyn that's my last-"
"I." I opened a window and tossed it out. "don't give a damn." I slammed the window and got in her face.
"What the hell are yo-" I put my hand up and she got quiet.
"I don't play into attitudes, more importantly disrespect. First of all bitch lets make this clear. I hired you ok? So don't barge in my house like you own this mu'fucka. Bitch I own you. I'm your boss, me. Not the other way around. Don't get this shit twisted, you do what I say honey. You must think you run me right? You think you control my life? Bitch I been strutin' in this game since 13, I know what the hell i'm doin'-"
"Jasmyn I'm just trying to-"
"Shut yo' ass up. Shutup. Don't interrupt me when I'm talking. You wouldn't do that to any other adult. You say yes ma'am and no ma'am to me now. Do I make myself clear?"
"Your 19 I'm not gonna-"
I shrugged. "Then you're fired..." She gasped and froze for a minute. I sat down on the bed.
"What!!" She looked to Hannah and then back to me.
"You ain't my mama bitch, don't try to be. If you can't respect me on an adult level then leave."
"Your can't fire me!! I made you!!"
I chuckled a little. "That's cute." She started crying and she started saying things but I couldn't understand her through her tears. I leaned back in my bed and crossed my feet and opened a magazine. Look at that, Elizabeth Taylor's getting married again. I wonder will she give me an invite.
I peered over the magazine and noticed that she was still there crying into Hannah's arms. "Can you leave quietly, this is a good article." She came up on the side of the bed and looked at me.
"I don't wanna call security and I'd hate to have to sue you an take everything you own." I warned her without looking up from the magazine.
"Your gonna regret this."
I squinted at her. "Will I really?" Her face was priceless. She looked so mad at me. I loved it so much a little smile tugged at my lips. She stormed out my room and slammed the door.
"Aye bitch that door costs more than your used to be salary." I laughed at myself. I looked around and Naomi and Gigi were wide eyed.
"Don't worry your jobs are safe." I waved my hand dismissively. They both sighed in relief and went back to watching TV.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I looked up and Hannah looked at me in disgust.
"What?"
"She cares about you. I care about you. Prince is no good for you, look at what what's he's doing to you."
"And what is he doing to me?" I stood up and walked over to her.
"Making you forget who your friends are. I know him Jasmyn, I know him better than anybody in this room."
Naomi raised her hand. "Actually I can name every single album and the day it was released." I shook my head at her.
"Jasmyn I was raised around him and i've seen him run his game countless time. He's gonna pull you in and make you think all these thoughts about how he loves you and as soon as he gets bored with you, he'll toss you to the side on to the next bitch."
I rolled my eyes and sighed. "This isn't even about Prince. I fired her because she was disrespectful."
"You know what jas." She threw her hands up. "I'm trying to protect you"
"And you can protect me right along with Veronica's unemployed ass."
"You wouldn't dare." She cut her eyes at me.
"Girl i'm feelin' myself right now. Try me if ya' want too."
"Look." She grabbed her purse off the floor "You have some growing up to do. When you do then we can have an adult conversation." She walked out the door and slammed it behind her.
"These bitches slammin' my doors like they paid for 'em." I grumbled. Naomi reached up and poked my leg.
"I would never slam your door."
"Oh i'm not gonna fire you!" I snapped. She put her hands up defensively.
"Just making sure."
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: AzTruyen.Top