Alas I did not French kiss the fuck out of life.

In fact I haven't even been to a single show since this tour started. I literally took my heels off as quickly as I put them on. I barely leave whatever hotel room he puts me in. I mean what was I even thinking, running around on tour with the most famous man in the world. For peace?!? Absolute fucking lunacy.

The fans practically chant outside the windows at all hours of the night and I don't mean to sound out of touch but does anyone have a job anymore?

But once again, I hate myself for sounding so inconsiderate. He gets to live his dreams because of them and so do I. Fame can be such a prison sometimes, being boarded up away from the real world can drive anyone insane. So that's why it's so glamorous, you're thrusted into this make believe world, of people who are make believe characters, and everything you could ever want is at your disposal but nothing is genuine about that. There's nothing safe about that. Humans need borders, we need parameters or else we're inevitable cautionary tales.

I glared over at the sunlight illuminating the edges of the dark curtains, ruining the darkness of the bedroom. I have to get out the bed now, if I don't. Michael will say something and give me that pity look. And then I'll run a bath and sit in it for a few hours and be alone and be left to my less than savory thoughts and once again be forced to deal with myself.

And I hated myself.

"Girl" I chuckled, sitting myself up on my elbows. But did I lie? Pretty girl can sing a song suddenly she's a saint, suddenly everyone wants to be around her. Pamper her. Shower her with undying affection. Until you see her ugly, then that's when they run. They don't treat you like the jewel they told you that you were. They treat you like the monster that you are.

Sometimes I feel like a monster. It hurts sometimes, it really hurts to try your best and be reduced to just feeling like a monster.

"Okay girl, let's put a smile on this lovely face." I skipped as cartoonish as I could to jump start the serotonin. Have to force myself to the bathroom to finally get my day started.

In the mirror was a great place to be, I stripped of my extremely cute, night set. Thank you Chanel. and basked in myself in the mirror. A smoke show, naturally. I take after my beautiful mother. In the midst of my confidence boosting gazing, I did my ceremonious deep breathes stretching my arms over my head, inhaling and bringing them down to my sides again with an exhale .

Repeating my mantras of how "I am okay" and "Intrusive thoughts are not real."

I jumped in the shower, scrubbed away the dirty as hard as I could. My showers were my favorite time. As long as I was clean whatever I was going through could be a minimized. I always took a chance in the shower to play with parts of my voice. My vibrato always sounded amazing in the shower and so did my whistles. I loved that I could do that.

Both Prince and Michael have tried to get me to teach them how to open their voice up to do that. While they both have impressive ranges, I would forever have the superior one.

Prince does have the closest range. Don't shoot the messenger. That will never take away the richness of Michael's voice. He sings effortlessly. It really takes him nothing to sing. Prince is always jamming, he has a composer's brain.

Michael however, he always sings. Michael's always moving. Life to him is a musical. We saw a Sweeney Todd play together recently. I can only do things like that with him.

I smiled, I tended to muse like this in the shower. I loved them both for vastly different reasons. I don't know if it's our positions in life but they're both the loves of my life. I have two. Terrible that way.

I heard Michael come in through the bathroom door, right on time. I wrapped the towel around my head and walked out in full nude.

"What a place like you doing in a guy like this?"

"I have a guy to put in your place."

I rolled my eyes. "You ruined my bit Michael."

"I'm sorry sweetheart, I just expected you to be sulking in bed, not suddenly doing comedy routines with your tits out in the bedroom. Speaking of which," he took out a box in his pocket. "I got you a present, to lift your spirits."

"I enjoy things." I snatched it out of his hands, and gave it a shake. He winced, putting his hands over mine.

"Just open it."

"You're no fun." I said, opening the box to reveal the most beautiful pink diamond earrings you've ever seen. They were cherry blossoms, with dangles. I loved dangles.

I squealed, "I lo-"

"You love dangles." he said, finishing my sentence. "I know" he looked so satisfied with himself. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

I dropped my towel off my wet hair and tossed it on the ground. "So..." I cocked my head to the side, putting the earring on. I was gonna match them with whatever I decided to wear today. "I'm thinking I'm just gonna leave."

"So soon? I thought we could spend more time together. We haven't spent this much time together in a long time."

"Well you're not exactly here?" I walked over to the closet and picked out Michael's white button down and some trashy destroyed jeans. "I am just holed up in your hotel rooms."

"I was afraid I was making you miserable." He sat down on the bed watching me get dressed."

"Not you." I shrugged, gesturing to the window. "Just your level of fame."

"It comes with the work you know as well as I do."

"Yeah sooooooo...." I threw my hair up in a messy bun with my thong. "I gotta crash out. Get me a flight?"

He gave me the pity look.

I groaned. "Look I really need you to get me a flight out of here and back home undetected."

"And there, you'll be fine on your own?"

"Of course I'll be fine on my own. I am a stable adult." I smiled a big toothy grin that I know Michael saw right through but what is this a hostage negotiation? He has to let me leave, this is all just fluff, a formality of sorts between us.

"I'm gonna miss you." he pouted. "You know I get lonely out here."

He pulled me in for a hug, I could feel him smiling as he hummed Just Good Friends.

"Im just gonna go home and lie low for a while. If you're not busy, you can always call me."

He pulled back and gave me that warm smile. He was so cute sometimes. I almost shrank a little under his gaze. He kissed the top of my head right on top whore bun, rocking me.

"Stoooooop!" My voice raising a few octaves, sometimes I reverted to my baby voice when talking to Michael. He made the little girl inside of me feel so safe coming out.

"I'm gonna be home right where I said I was. I'm gonna get back to the basics. Get back to me. Maybe go see Freddy" We pulled back and he he looked down at me. "I don't know I just want to get out of this cage for a little bit."

My eyes went big and I tilted my chin in. My cute baby face. "I'm a big girl now."

He rolled his eyes, "You are such a handful of a little woman."

I giggled. "I'm southern, yankee boy."

"You say that and sound like every other woman in downtown L.A."

I audibly gagged. "I could kill you over that."

"You wouldn't, look at this face."

A smile spread across his face, soon becoming a little snicker. "Sometimes I wish things were different between us."

I sighed, pulling him back in. My heart hurt a bit when he said that. "You'll never be mine, not when you belong to the world."

"I could say the same for you."

I titled my head to the side. "You think this is just our lot in life."

"It comes with the territory. You sell your soul to this game and that includes love. It'll never be as it should."

"That's terrible."

"I know"

And we sat there and we hugged as long and as hard as we could, I felt the burn of tears in my nose but I held it back for fear of ruining the moment. I was savoring the one moment of truth and honesty that we had with eachother.

Til the next disaster in our lives.

December 1, 1987

I woke up to the phone ringing off the hook. I flipped the covers off my head and patted the nightstand for the phone.

"Hello" I was sleepy as hell which led to me sounding irritated. All I heard was shallow breathing on the other line. "What the fuck! Wha- Who is this? How'd you get this number. It's 1:30 in the morning." I heard a chuckle on the line. A familiar one.

"You must've not had your coffee...do you still drink coffee these days."

I shot up onto my knees, with a flutter of the heart. "Prince?"

He chuckled lightly. "That didn't answer my question."

"I uhmm..." my mind raced a million miles a minutes, trying to figure out why he randomly decided to call me after months and months of no contact. "I don't drink as much, I drink a lot of teas now."

"That's good"

I could practically feel him smiling through the phone and brought a smile to my face thinking about his adorable grin. He sounds a little off though. Maybe all the nights he stays up are finally catching up with him. We landed upon a silence and soon enough the phone hung up. I frowned and put the phone back on the hook. I waited for the phone to ring again but it didn't.

I shrugged it off and laid back down into bed. Naturally I couldn't sleep because I'm so thrown off he even called me and once again I'm am sitting here with a heart full of "feelings" I will never understand so I just stared at the ceiling, wondering why he would call me after all this time. The fact that he still has my number and the audacity to use it after all this time. After using every bit of my energy running through every scenario I could think up trying to figure out why, my eyelids felt heavy. As soon as I was about to drift into my slumber, the phone rung again. I picked it up and sure enough it was Prince.

"Hel-"

"Can you come see me?"

I raised my brow. "What?"

"I need you. Right now Jasmyn. I need you to come here and be with me right now."

"Ok but I don't underst-" And I heard a click. I looked at the phone before hanging it up. I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. I looked back at the clock. 2:17. Ok, it's late really late but my curiosity has been peaked. I don't want to call my driver, he has kids and a pregnant wife. Why pull him away from that? I'll drive myself. I got out of bed and got dressed. I didn't do my hair. What's the point? I'm just gonna go see what's up and then get back in the bed. I threw my feet over the bed and stuffed my feet into my bootie slippers.

My mind was racing the entire time I was driving. "I need you" was all that was ringing through my head. This is a trap. A weird trap. I'm gonna show up, he's gonna be sitting on the couch giggling. I'm gonna be incredibly angry. Yet here I am still doing this out of complete stupidity.

When I arrived, I saw his secretary still there, he always had her working late ass nights. I opened my mouth to speak but she beat me to it. "He's in the rehearsal room."

I nodded and carefully made my way there. He sounded weird over the phone which worried me, his voice sounded different. When I walked in the rehearsal room, it was pitch black except he had lit a few red candles that cast ominous shadows across the walls. This looked straight out of a horror movie. My black tendencies are telling me to get dumbass out of here but my heart is saying go be a dumbass who cares. He made you cum. Right?

As I debated with both of these enteties, out of the gloom I heard a woman's voice.

"Are you looking for Prince?"

My heart nearly jumped out my chest. But I somehow, almost magically stayed where I was. I couldn't really make out who it was at first, then she came out of the shadows. She had a short black pixie cut. Glossy red lips. She looked Latino. Pretty thing. She was carrying a notebook and her coat. She was obviously about to leave this scary scene too.

"Yes."

"Well, he's here somewhere," She waved her hand around.

"Ok." She gave me a nod of good luck then headed out. I debated with myself on whether I should cut my losses and leave but something compelled me to stay.

"Prince..." I squinted, trying to somehow find him in the darkness.

My heart nearly stopped when suddenly Prince emerged out of the darkness, looking unlike I had ever seen him before. His long hair was a tousled mess, his black shirt was unbuttoned and open to were you could see how far his matching high waisted pants came up. He was sweating, sweating buckets and I'm pretty certain he's high.

His pupils are really dilated and he looks like he's tripping balls. He struggled just a little bit but he finally slumped down the wall covered in mirrors. I set my bag down on the floor beside me, watching him the entire time. I knew I should've just stayed at home in the bed. I have never seen him at this point, this low. This was scary to see and sad to watch. I slowly made my way over to where he was, I was taking my time because I didn't know how stable he was.

"I just want to know one thing. Do you still love me?"

I hesitated, squinting my eyes at him for good measure.

"You hate me don't you."

I couldn't answer that either. The ball was in my court as long as I was quiet.

"Will you stay?"

"Yes..." I assured him, crouching down in front of him. I pouted, poking my bottom lip out. He does look pitiful and part of me enjoys that. I love pathetic men.

"Why'd you cut it?" He shot his hand to my head, caressing my strands that no longer cascaded down my back.

I ran the back of my fingers down his cheek "I needed some change so." I exhaled. "New hair new me I guess."

I didn't cut much, just a few inches. Only Prince would notice something as trivial as a minor haircut.

His eyes closed, obviously enjoying the feeling. "Feelings mutual" he exhaled, resting his cheek against my hand. "Bangs too?"

"Bitchin right?." I ran my free fingers through his hair, trying to somewhat straighten it, while he stared at me.

"Your hair is cool too, you grew i-" I squeaked when he suddenly grabbed my head on both side, tangling his fingers in my hair, holding me there. I froze.

Internally I rolled my eyes at myself. I should've just stayed in the bed.

He kisses the top of my head and all through my hair, loosening his grip on my head and unraveling his fingers from my hair. I couldn't help but giggle feelings his lips tickle me.

I pressed my forehead to his and locked my hand tightly with his. "I guess it's my turn huh."

"Your turn for what?"

"To be here for you when you've fallen apart, because my my my have you fallen apart ..." I snickered. "I'm the sane one now."

"I wasn't, I wasn't there when you fell apart. I drove you there and practically killed you if anything."

I stroked my thumb over his cheek. "I'm fine, I'm chugging along."

"Choo choooo"

I gagged. "I hate you."

I felt his hand starting to shake so I pressed it to my lips, planting little kisses on it to try and calm his nerves. I can't believe my first time seeing him again in however long and suddenly I'm a trip buddy.

"I think you need to go to bed." I placed my hand on his thigh, trying to give him some sense of comfort. "You're not in your right mind to-"

"Is it still me and you?"

I wiped away a bead of sweat running down the side of his face. I'm not trying to get sentimental tonight. I got enough going on in my life.

He sighed, leaning his head back on the mirror. It broke my heart to see him so out of it. God, is this how bad I am?

"What did you do tonight?"

"Nothing.."

"You're lying to me..." I looked to the side and back to him. "Already."

"I'm not lying..."

I rolled my eyes, giving him the benefit of the doubt since he's on something.

"You know it's you, right?" he squeezed my hand. "It's always been you. It wasn't Vanity. It's wasn't Madonna. Susannah. Sheila. Cat. No one! It was you. It is you. I know it's you."

I furrowed my brows at his list of women, that I know for a fact that he cut short. Some of them we're kind of a surprise, confirming a lot of my suspicions but again he's on something. I decided to disregard it and blame it on the drugs. I know this is drugs. His pupils were still dilated and he was all over the place. Finally I was snatched out my thoughts by him pulling me close to him, I was straddling his lap. He's so freaking handsy with his little self. His hands caressing my thighs and my hips. Our faces just inches apart.

".....I need you.." He said lowly and placed a slow kiss on my lips. "Don't take it lightly when I tell you I need you. I do everything...everything I can to never have to depend on anyone, to never show weakness."

I feel like normally this would be bringing me to tears but I am so incredibly uncomfortable by his emotional display. I was not prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for anything. I'm trying to go with the flow but I don't like where this is going. "I'm trusting you Jasmyn. To catch me when I fall."

He pulled me in closer, so close I could barely breathe. I was getting sick to my stomach. I was almost afraid I would vomit. I just want it to stop. I am so uncomfortable but my body doesn't know what to do. His scent was heavy on me. It was overflowing with lavender like he doused the essential oil bottle on himself . It clouded my nose. I felt like I was suffocating.

"I love you." he whispered against my lips. My eyes widened in more and more horror. I don't know if he saw the expression on my face but I was so confused.

"Give me all of you." He pulled my jacket down my arms and tossed it to the side "I want all of you."

"No!" I quickly pushed him off me and gathered what was left of my dignity and my jacket and left as he called after me.

Stupid

Stupid

Stupid

I couldn't help but feel so stupid.