I couldn’t eat on the train, somehow I just wasn’t hungry. I sat by the window of the dining car and stared out over the Districts as we passed. I saw the water in District 4, the huge electricity towers in District 5. My eyes lingered on the forests of District 7. I imagine they had Caius’ funeral in those trees. I can see his mother planting a seed to grow its first shoots after the winter; in that perfect green that was his eyes.

It was a few hours before I saw the livestock pastures of District 10. It was then that Peeta first entered the dining car.

I looked over at him and he paused a moment to look at me before heading straight for the main table.

“Peeta…” He ignored me. “Peeta I-”

“Please just… don’t. Let me be, okay? I lost someone close to me and I’m not in the mood to make pleasantries with his murderer.” I don’t know why it got to me so much.

Maybe it was that he used the word ‘murderer’ as opposed to ‘killer’.

[PLAY MUSIC NOW]

I let myself go numb as I stared out the window. It was another hour before we finally pulled into the station of District 12. Peeta hasn’t said a word to me. He just gives me a heartbreaking stare that makes me wish I’d kept my eyes out the window or on the floor. It won’t be forever, I have to keep that at the front of my mind.

I stepped off the train and the first thing that I noticed was the smell. It was an odd smell, the smoky fire smell from the coal mines mixed with the smell of the forest. I shivered a little, not from the chilly air but from the memories that returned with that smell. The fire in the arena. I would have to get used to that.

A peace keeper was waiting to walk me to the victor’s village. I watched as Peeta headed off the platform and in the opposite direction to me. We caught eyes again for a moment and I wished I hadn’t seen the pain in them.

I was escorted to the village; it stood so incredibly alone in the trees. The peace keeper pointed out the third house along, the doors obviously open. They don’t have locks or keys in the districts. Well, not in 12. I walked up the steps and opened the front door which gave a tremendous creak.

It was huge and empty. Almost eerie. I was finally alone. All alone. I left my bag by the door and wandered through the house. It was beautiful; nothing like the Capitol homes, but that was by design. I let out a shaky breath. I’m home.

I didn’t sleep that night. I woke up with sweats and blood on my face, skin under my nails. That just made me want to cry and being alone didn’t help. I wanted someone to at least say that everything would be alright. But there was no one, and one of the Districts was a scary place to be alone for someone like me. I don’t know anything different than the quiet of the Capitol.

In the day I stayed in the house. I unpacked and tended to my stinging face. Tears worked well to wash the scratches. I may have spent hours lying on the couch just staring into space, trying to will the nightmares away. I tried so hard to shut my eyes for some peace, but sleep never came calmly.

The next night I woke screaming more than once, the bed soaked in sweat and dried blood plastered the pillow. It was another night of torment.

The morning came around so slowly and my face was covered in desperate little scratches, trying to claw out the bad memories. They were still there. I lowered myself into the bath, the hot water cruel against my open sores. Still, it was a relief.

I had a white bathrobe hanging on the door and when the water had gone cold I wrapped it around myself and headed out of the bathroom to be greeted with the smell of fresh bread and a knock at the door.

I tied the robe and walked slowly to the door. I opened it to see Peeta standing on my doorstop bearing a woven basket with a cloth covering its contents. I looked up into his eyes and I saw myself in them, raggedy and dishevelled.

“Peeta… what are you…?” I started, but he stopped me.

“Before you say anything, just… just let me say I’m sorry.” His eyes were full of pity and I hated that he saw me that way, but how else would he see me when I looked like this?

“Come in.” I stepped aside to let him walk through the door.

He put the basket on the table and as the smell filled the room my stomach let out a vicious growl, I haven’t eaten in days. He must have heard because he started taking out plates and a knife, obviously knowing where everything was, his house was identical.

“I came bearing gifts, I had the chance to think, finally, and I know I wasn’t fair to you. The games… they change you, they do things to you that you can’t begin to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived them. I guess I was upset that Haymitch was gone because he was the only one who really understood. It’s not your fault. They just…”

“Break you.” I finished his sentence, knowing all too well what he was trying to explain.

He sighed and looked over at me. “I really was hoping it would be one of you who made it back, I guess I-”

“You hoped it would be him.” He looked slightly sheepish. “Don’t worry, I understand.”

He sighed in a way that let me know that he meant it all. He knew that I was one of the few people who really could understand.

“You look famished.” He cut a thick slice of bread and headed over to a fully stocked fridge. “Wow, they really set you up.” He almost grumbled.

“Take anything you like, I’m not a big eater.”

He spread some kind of jam on the slices and handed me one. “You have to eat, trust me; the first bite is the hardest.” As I looked into his eyes I saw that they were warm again, the cold melted now that he was back home.

I took a bite, and then another and soon enough we finished off most of the loaf. When I say we I mean mostly me, I think he just ate so that I wouldn’t feel awkward.

“There should be something to treat those scratches in here.” I saw him eyeing my face critically and I dropped my head to let my hair fall over my face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

“I’ve just never been this vulnerable before.” I whispered. “I know I’m not alone, not even close but I feel it.” He couldn’t know the whole truth behind my words but he gave a small grimace. “It doesn’t matter; they’ll be back tomorrow, and in greater numbers.”

“I guess you can’t go without sleep. I could tie your arms down again if that helps.”

“Again?”

Another sheepish look and he sighed. “I helped Effie restrain you that final night, in the foam cuffs.”

“Oh. Well, sure, you can try.”

“Okay.” There was a pause before I thought to ask.

“How many days has it been since the last day?”

“Almost six I guess, why?”

“I just don’t want to lose track of time.”

“That’ll happen no matter what in District 12.” He stood up from his chair and walked towards the door. “If you need me, press 2 on the phone, it rings my house.”

“Thank you Peeta.” He left with a small smile.

I sat for a while at the table before I got some fresh clothes and pulled on my shoes. It was time.

I ripped into the brown bear that I had packed and pulled out some of the papers from inside. Shoving them into my backpack, along with the rest of Peeta’s bread I headed for the door.

I found the fence for the perimeter. I know that I’m allowed out but I have to find the best spot. There was a giant boulder and an old elm tree, then a hole in the fence.

Twenty paces until the woods became thick and then there was a huge hollow log. I walked into it and crouched down; feeling around for what I knew was there. The flat piece of wood slid out of place perfectly and I climbed down, into what the people of the old world would call the rabbit-hole. It’s too hard to explain, it was from an old piece of literature.

The stairs made from the rock descended for about four metres before I hit the underground chamber. Up ahead was a wooden door. It led to a hallway with two doors at the end. As I put my hand on the door to the left I took a deep breath and pushed it open.

The room may as well have been above ground, it was just like your average house, kitchenette, dining table, couch, and even a television that had constant power streaming from the Capitol. This was, of course, no accident.

A door opposite me opened and there he was, a small chuckle escaping his lips. “Well, well… I was wondering when I was going to run into you.” I smiled as his grey eyes glinted with more than just curiosity; with life.