I was sitting on the couch in the suite with Peeta on one side of me and Effie on the other. Haymitch has only just slumped into an armchair nursing a bottle of white liquor.

Peeta leaned over and whispered in my ear, “You might have to make some more of that tonic.” I turned to face him but he had already turned away.

I let my eyes linger on the hardened lines of his face. It’s remarkable how much a year can take out of you.

The screen flashed and Caesar appeared with a smile on his face. We were all suddenly silent and staring at the screen.

“It is time now, to see how our tributes have fared in their training sessions and what score they have been given!”

He started going through the tributes. As expected, district 1 tributes had both received a score of 10, so had Blaze and Cress from district 2. District 3 went well, an 8 and a 9 for the male and female, in that order. The woman from five who had cried all throughout the reapings scored only a 4, I felt sorry for her really. Caius from district 7 also scored a 10, not that it was surprising.

Haymitch and I were the final two to be announced, Haymitch was first. He received a 9. I don’t know if he actually did anything or whether they just gave him a high score to place a target on his head, he had been quite a nuisance since arriving. He was congratulated by Effie who soon shut her mouth when he ignored her completely.

I waited for my score, they had looked impressed when I gave the poison to the poor avox girl, and hopefully I could gain a high score. The number flashed on the screen and my heart sunk. 6. That was it?

“Oh it’s not too bad dear, I’m sure you did your best!” Effie tried to make me feel better but I only felt worse.

Peeta wouldn’t look at me and Haymitch was- well, Haymitch was just Haymitch. I stood up and walked to my room.

It was a few hours later before I emerged. The others must have gone to bed because there was no one else in the general living area. I headed out to the hallway near the elevators and saw another door that didn’t seem to lead anywhere. It was open so I walked through. It led to the roof.

I saw the bustle on the city streets from all the way up here and I thought that people must be having celebrations in honour of the games that are still going. Those parties could last all night.

I remember Margery telling me one year about how she had been invited to her friend’s celebration but we had to stay because Caledon didn’t want me there, this was when I was about thirteen and my mother had recently died. Margery wasn’t too happy but looking back, I really don’t care.

I thought about everything, my mother, the games, Caledon and Margery, what I had committed myself to, Peeta, Haymitch, and the fact that I was less than forty-eight hours away from almost certain death.

I didn’t know they were there until one fell onto my hand. I stared down at the tear drop and sucked in the cold night air as it entered my lungs and caressed my skin. I couldn’t help sobbing to myself.

I have never felt as alone as I do now. Effie was on my side, sure, but somehow she didn’t count. She was one of them.

I slumped down and put my head in my hands as the gravity hit me. What have I done?

Tonight was my last night in the Capitol hotel. Tomorrow night I would be battling it out in the arena. Or dead. One or the other. I tried to take training seriously today, and ignore the pathetic score. The tributes from districts 1 and 2 were standing around together by the climbing frames as if trying to show off after their high scores were announced.

I stayed away from them.

I headed to weapons again and tried my luck with a bow and arrow. I think I just made myself look more inept.

Haymitch walked past me as I struggled, “don’t think so much, it doesn’t matter anyway.” I wonder how Peeta even managed to get through the first day, let alone win with him as a mentor.

I felt sorry for Haymitch, not many people know the truth about him.

“I saw your score, you probably could have done better.” I turned around to see Caius smiling down at me.

He had thin gloves on and he had a sweaty sheen about him, he had come from the boxing station.

“Get out of my face.” I rolled my eyes and turned away from him.

“Why? Are you jealous of my score or is it that I’m just too pretty for you to resist so you’d rather not have to fight the temptation?” He chuckled to himself.

“Okay, when you smell like a wet animal and act like wild one, you just look like a complete fool. So leave me alone or I will deck you.” He found my quip extremely amusing apparently because he laughed loudly and walked away.

At dinner that night I almost couldn’t eat, at least I felt like if I did I would bring it up. I knew that I might not find food in the arena so I have to fill up now while I can.

I felt sick after eating, sick in the pit of my stomach. Not so much because of the amount I ate, but because I knew that starving to death was a big possibility in my future. I made some more of the tonic to get Haymitch’s drinking under control and left it for Peeta, who must have disappeared to his room.

I was almost angry with him; he hadn’t really given me any tips for the arena. I may be from the Capitol but surely he understands.

I tried to go to bed, get an early night, but sleep evaded me.

I lay in the sheets and took a deep breath. It was then that everything dawned on me. Tomorrow I would be in the arena, thrust into the games with so little preparation, at least that’s how it felt.

Years of planning for this and I never really thought about how I would feel going into the arena. I never thought I would be so scared. I thought I was stronger. I never really got it. I am twenty-two years old and still I found myself afraid. And who wouldn’t?

I took another breath, and then another, and soon I found myself gasping for air, choking on my emotions.

I sat up and tried to breathe but I couldn’t. I climbed out of bed and left my room, left the apartment and headed up to the roof. I ran to the edge and slammed my body into the railing, knocking the wind out of me. I took more air into my lungs and felt the breeze on my tear-lined face.

“You’re not planning to jump are you?” I jumped on the spot and whipped my face around to see Peeta watching me anxiously.

“What? No!”

“It’s impossible anyway.”

I looked over the edge and then back to Peeta, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think anyone would be up here.”

“Don’t be sorry, there usually isn’t, aside from me anyway.”

I thought about last night and despite the fact that I didn’t give any of my plans away, I was really hoping that he didn’t see me.

“It’s okay to be afraid, I was terrified last year.” He sighed.

“I’m not just afraid, I’m enraged!” I tightened my grip on the rail and closed my eyes.

When I opened them Peeta was by my side, cautiously holding his hands out in front of him like I was some kind of unstable maniac. I slapped one of his hands and he looked at me questioningly.

“I’m not suicidal, okay? I’m not going to start a killing spree before I get into the arena either.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

“You didn’t have to; you’ve been looking at me with those judgemental eyes ever since you saw me. Yeah I know I’m the girl who told the world to air out their coffins and then fell all over herself in front of a victor, and Haymitch of all victors. That doesn’t mean that you know me.” He looked at me and I know he was thinking that he didn’t need to know me to know that I was dangerous. “You of all people should understand how I’m feeling. You should know how incredibly alone I feel. At home I have support but here it feels like I have nothing, like all they want from me is blood.”

The guilt flashed onto his face and we stood in silence before he spoke again.

“Why are you enraged?”

“If I am this terrified and alone cannot begin to imagine how my twelve year old self would feel. And they have no reservations! They send children who don’t know anything about life because they haven’t had the chance to live! They send them to die and watch as other children tear them to pieces and only one can live! And the one who does survive, I’m sure, will never forget or flee from the trauma and the guilt! They can't even live in peace with their families! With their glory! The Capitol still has to interfere so that they can use the victor for their own gains. There will never be glory and every Hunger Games will have twenty-four losers. I don’t know whether I would rather live or die. It hardly matters now.” I looked up at him and his gaze was puzzling.

His eyes lost that cold glaze that he had reserved for me the past few days. They were pensive and thoughtful. I became aware that I was struggling to breathe again and my face was damp from the tears.

“Yes, I am afraid, but the only thing that will get me through this is anger.” I finally managed to choke out the words.

“I thought they drilled it into you Capitol kids that the games were a celebration.” There was a hint of distaste in his voice and I let out a sob.

“My mother was different. She didn’t even need to tell me that the games were wrong, the fear and repulsion in her eyes was enough to deter me.” I closed my eyes and sighed. “When I was little, I wanted to send a loaf of bread to a district 8 girl who was only a few years older than me at the time. My mother said that because she was struggling to find food herself and there weren’t many tributes left it was too expensive. I watched her get stabbed by the tribute from 2 as her allies watched on. She was crying for her mother as she bled out. My mother just quarantined herself to her room and I listened to her sob for hours. So no, not all of us ‘Capitol kids’ think the games are a cause for celebration.” I heard the venom in my voice and I know Peeta felt it because his hand closed over mine and he pulled it away from the rail.

He didn’t say anything; he just squeezed my hand and looked over the balcony. We stayed quiet and I could feel my breathing steady as we held hands on the rooftop. I don’t know why I did it but I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head against his chest.

I was surprised when he did the same. I don’t know when someone last held him like this; I know I hadn’t been held like this ever. One arm was wrapped around my waist and the other cradled my head. He rocked me gently and I listened to his heart beating, feeling my heart slow to catch up.

“Make sure you try to get to water as soon as you can, don’t go to the cornucopia unless you know you can survive, and please try to help Haymitch if you find him.” He whispered to me.

I nodded into his chest and I thought I felt him place a ginger kiss on my temple.

He walked me back down to my room, still with an arm around me and watched as I climbed into bed. He may have stayed longer but I was asleep only moments after my head hit the pillow.