Jean tapped his foot solemnly on the cold, wooden floor. He had done the same process. Work. Sleep. Work. There was hardly ever time for eating, and he really didn't have many friends left, if any.
It was repetitive, boring, and most of all, it was lonely. Jean Kirstein of the 104th training squad was lonely. He sat at his desk in silence thinking of the past.
The past always hurt the most. It was a given. He had lost everyone and everything, now it was just him and whoever joined the Survey Corps.
Not long before Hanji Zoe and Levi Ackerman had retired, and everyone else, well, everyone else was dead.
Jean ran his long, boney fingers through his hair. The stress practicality ached in his bones. The depression was like a manifestation, and it ruined his most peaceful moments, just as it did now.
"Damn it all, why now?" Jean sighed softly, his hands tangling in his messy hair.
In times like these the memories would flood back. Marco. He was Jean's closest friend in training. Jean could always count on Marco when he needed it. He never did get to explain to Marco his true feelings. The lack of the freckled guy over all these years had a permanent cavity on Jean's heart. Marco died in battle, he disappeared and it was later found out that he was killed by people he once considered friends.
Eren. Why did he miss Eren? Probably because no matter how annoying the guy was he always spoke from his heart, he was a true leader. It was unmistakable. Eren had given his titan form to someone else, resulting in his unavoidable death.
Armin. His fate was the same as Eren's. Armin's time was up three years after Eren's, and it too was unavoidable. Armin was a genius, he had the best battle strategies and best plans. He knew everything there was to know about the rest of the world, and he still wanted to learn more.
Mikasa. A loyal and strong woman. She was beautiful and a true soldier. She led many into battle and once took the role as commander of the Survey Corps, succeeding Hanji. She was admirable for never giving up, but after a long battle she did give up. Mikasa commit suicide a few months after Armin had given up his titan. She lost her two closest friends and all her family members within such a short time.
Bertholdt. He was the tallest in the whole of the 104th training squad. He was known for being peaceful, until he was found to be the Colossal Titan, who caused mass destruction. He was eaten by Armin, who took his titan for the next thirteen years. Jean was bitter over it. He once considered Bertholdt to be his friend, then after that they were enemies. Jean wanted him to die.
Reiner. The same goes for Reiner. He was strong and powerful, and it came as a shock that he was the Armored Titan, the titan that helped with the attack on the walls. If Jean could go back and change things he would have killed them both, along with their friend as well. It's a shame that the pain came with denial.
Historia. She never died like many of the rest. She lived on, and still serves as the Queen. Jean still tried to keep on contact with one of the last known members of the 104th training squad, but found it to be difficult. After Ymir disappeared and Annie was finally broken loose and their titans were handed off, Historia changed. She once went by Christa, a nice young girl, but that was pass.
Connie and Sasha. Those two were extraordinary. They knew how to make anyone laugh, and they both tried to stay positive, even in the toughest of moments. Connie died a soldier's death. Surprisingly it hurt really bad to see the bald guy go. He was key to the Survey Corps, and he knew how to keep his fellow soldiers happy while facing fear. Sasha lost almost all will to live, after Connie died. She's still alive, but not in the same way as before.
Jean rubbed at his eyes as tears began to fall. It was the same almost every night, especially when he had papers to fill out. He tried to stifle his feelings, bet each time it got harder. Jean felt trapped by his own guilt. He scooted his chair forward to get to his desk.
He began to snatch papers and he took a wooden pecil. Why not write his feelings down? There was so much pent up inside him, and Jean just wanted desperately to forget it all. Forget the greatest things he ever had in life. Friends.
There was no way to describe the silence in the room or the noise in Jean's head. It was like all his friends came back, and were yelling and laughing in the same room for the first time in years.
Down. Down. Down. He's falling from himself. The secret meetings with Marco. The fights with Eren. The nice chats with Armin. The admiration of Mikasa. The games with Sasha and Connie. The sparring with Bertholdt and the inside jokes with Reiner. The peaceful times with Historia and the brash jokes with Ymir.
Gone. Gone. Gone. No one can bring it all back. He's lonely, cold, and trapped by his own guilt. He's scared of loving again, and finding the person he loves dead. He's scared of trusting again, and facing reality is betrayal is sent his way. He doesn't want to laugh and joke with new soldiers, and he doesn't want to be happy. Happy like they should be. Shatter. Shatter. Shatter. It's fading now. He won't remember Marco's sweet face, and all the freckles. The eyes filled with fire and determination that belonged to Eren. The gentle and wise smile that crossed Armin's face. The stoic attitude of Mikasa. No more jokes and quips from Connie or Sasha. No meditation with Bertholdt, and no boisterous laughter from Reiner. No sweet talks with Historia, and no blunt honesty from Ymir. Dark. Dark. Dark. There is no one. He writes in his office late, all by himself. Jean is alone, writing his pains on a paper. He has written them before, and he'll write them again. Over, and over. Endless pain in his heart. It's the same. Jean doesn't want to suffer loosing his friends again, but he'd repeat everything if it meant seeing their smiles, hearing their voices. Being with them once more, at least for a second longer. Knock. Knock. Knock. His thoughts are interrupted. The noise in his head is quieter. "Come in." Jean speaks. Loud and in charge, but small, sad, and broken. The door opens. "Commander Jean Kirstein." Jean looked up from the paper he was writing on.
"Oh. Squad leader Sasha. What do you need?" Jean asked, and he managed to sound professional, despite being completely broken. "To be honest, I don't need anything. I want to know how you've been, Jean." Sasha confessed as she ran her fingers through her brown hair.
"Oh," He looked down at the paper he was just scribbling all over. "I've been better, it's just one of those days." Jean explained. Sasha nodded in understanding.
"Same here. It's just quiet in H.Q. without Connie. I miss him." Sasha looked at her boots, sadness evident in words and on her face.
Jean sat his pencil down and looked up at her. "I'm sorry Sasha. He really cares about you." Jean sighed. At this point they didn't care about the formalities between a commander and a soldier. Old friends usually called eachother by their names, why shouldn't they.
It was quiet for a while. The Jean broke the silence, and he managed to change the subject. "So, any new trainees?" He asked.
"Yes. More than last time," She paused for a moment. "do you want to go visit Historia?" It was a nice question, but there wasn't time, there was never time.
"I can't. Busy." Jean sighed as he rubbed the back of his head. Sasha didn't say anything for a while. Then she spoke, quietly.
"Alright. That will be all." Sasha said before exiting the room. Jean turned to go back to his desk. It was quiet in his head again, but it hurt more. He just couldn't stop himself from breaking into tears.
That's right, the commander of the Survey Corps cries, and he cries a lot.

Jean sat up in his room, constantly confined in the barracks, just to hide his weakness. Sasha spent most of her time training the newbies. God, what would Jean do to have the rest of his fallen comrades there too? This was the first time in months that he left his room. Sasha always brought him food, and their was a bathroom in his room, so he never had to leave for anything.
He didn't know why he decided to leave the room after so long, no one did. He stepped out, dark half moons under his eyes, and a fully shaven face. Jean reminded himself of Levi, because Levi looked like this when he was corporal.
Jean, however, didn't look like Erwin, but sometimes his actions resembled them. It was strange when he caught himself being a leader, it was different.
It had been so long since he smiled, Sasha almost gave up trying to help him smile. He stopped smiling the day of Marco's death, and he never smiled again. Some how his face still sunk more each time he lost a friend, it was like endless torture.
That's why when he stood in front of Sasha she couldn't believe her eyes. After so long, and after Jean had pretty much given up, he was back? He threw a hug around him, and she even found herself crying. Who wouldn't cry?
Jean didn't say anything, not for a while, but when he did, he surprised Sasha even more.
"Let's go to the ocean. I need some more time. We can leave someone in charge while we go. Maybe for two days." Sasha looked at Jean for a long while. This. This was strange, and different. This was like a rainbow in the middle of a tornado. Why? Why does he want to go back?
"Okay. I'll put someone in charge, then we'll leave by horseback." She replied.
Jean mounted his horse and he steered the horse over to where Sasha was. "You're ready. I'm almost done." She said simply before hopping on the back of her steed. "Let's go." Sasha said now that she was ready.
They trotted on horseback for a while, they talked some, but it was mostly in a heavy silence. Sasha already knew why Jean wanted to go to the ocean. It was an easy answer, but it was hardest to say it.
The day soon faded and the sky grew dark. Many stars littered the sky, and even the wind blew. They didn't stop to rest, they never did, not on this trip. The sky was beautiful at night, that was one of the reasons they never stopped. The other reason is because when they made this journey with Eren, Armin, Mikasa, and Connie, they never stopped. They used to ride nonstop, just to look at the night sky together.
It all seemed like a fading memory now. Is it possible to forget your friends' faces that easily? Why did the world have to be so cruel?
"I remember the first time we went to the ocean," Sasha began. "Armin and Eren were crying, and Connie and I couldn't stop laughing. You mostly stood and stared at the water though, why?" She asked, almost tentatively.
"Marco. He should have been there too, with us." Jean said simply, his gaze narrowed as they rode their horses in the dark.
"Yeah." Sasha said. After that she didn't bring it up again, ever. The subject was dropped and it was quiet again.
Sasha heeled the horse slightly, urging it to move faster. "Sasha, don't tire the horse, we'll have to make another journey to get back home." Jean said. Sasha didn't respond, not even to argue. This was going to be a very long night.

It had been a while, but eventually the sun peaked over the horizon, and the trip was almost over. The wend blew strongly and the sky was a powerful blue color.
Jean and Sasha slowly rode to the sandy shore, waves from the cold, salty water lapped on the beach. Jean hopped off his horse and walked slowly to the shore line. Sasha only watched as he dropped to his knees and began to cry.
Jean cried. He cried more than ever. Sasha wanted to comfort her depressed friend, but she didn't know how. It was hard for her not to cry, she had to bite the side of her mouth to keep the tears from falling down her face.
After a while he stopped crying, stopped shouting at the wind, stopped throwing rocks in the water. He stopped, and he watched. Sasha walked up behind Jean, and she sat next to him. She didn't say anything, she waited for Jean to speak instead, and after a while, he did.
"It's over now." Was all that he said. She looked at Jean. His tired eyes blinked slowly at the blue-green waves.
"Not yet. They fought for us to be here. Now we have to fight to stay alive for them." Sasha replied.
"There is nothing left to fight, it's over." Jean sighed.
"You have to fight yourself, and you have to do it for them." Sasha said.
Jean looked over at Sasha for the first time in a while. "I can't do it Sash. People have stopped dying, the Survey Corps is no longer needed, there are no Titans. It's amazing, but they're not here." He shouted, tears streaming down his face once again.
"They are Jean. They walk with us every day." She stuttered, biting her lip to keep from breaking down as well.
Jean stopped and looked down at the grainy sand. "You would have gotten married here, right? With Connie. Lots of flowers and a nice dress." Jean still looked tired and hollow, but for the first time in years a very small smile crossed his face.
"Maybe I would have married him here too. He liked flowers." Jean croaked, he looked out at the water again, more tears welled from his eyes. He didn't move to wipe his tears.
"We could have had a double wedding." Sasha said, she smiled softly too.
Their smiles were filled with more pain than anyone could imagine. They lost what they loved. It doesn't matter now. Not the weddings that could have happened. There was nothing left.
Jean stood and walked to his horse before uttering a few words. "That will be all. Let's go back."