[ C H A P T E R 2 ]

A Y E S S A

Marahan akong napabuga ng hangin habang nakatingin sa kapatid ko. Kasalukuyan akong nasa loob ng kotse nya habang nakapatong sa aking hita ang isang brown envelope, laman nito ay ang record ko sa school. Dutsie is currently driving us home. Siya rin ang kasama kong um-asikaso sa pag kuha ko sa mga records ko, since halos kilala nya lahat ng mga teachers sa school.

But honestly, I don't want to go with him. I don't have any reasons to leave nor went to that place. It feels like I'm only wasting my time. Kaya ko namang bawiin ang grades ko sa susunod na semester. I know I have the ability.

"Aalis tayo bukas kaya kailangan mong mag empake ngayon. Bring everything you have, don't leave anything."

Paglalayas na itong gagawin ko. Well, sabi naman ni mommy payag siyang lumayas ako. Pero bakit sa Cebu ba? Pwede naman sa hometown ni papa.

"Why there?" I asked Dutsie. I'm skeptical why he wants me to come with him. I mean, why now? Why not before when I wanted to go back?

Nanatili siyang nakatingin sa harapan habang nagmamaneho. "Ayaw mo ba'ng bumalik?"

Natahimik ako sa tanong nya. Pero kung noon nya ako tinanong, alam ko ang magiging sagot ko. Gusto kong bumalik noong panahon na gulong-gulo pa ang isip ko. Noong panahon na gusto kong masagot ang mga tanong na nasa isipan ko. Gusto ko iyon itanong mismo sa kanya. But I know it's too late now.

"Wala akong babalikan doon," mahinang bulong ko sabay lingon sa aking gilid kung saan sumalubong sa aking tingin ang mga sasakyang katapat namin. "Pwede ko namang ituloy ang pag-aaral ko rito."

"Here where mom is the boss? You've been a lap dog. Are you happy pleasing her?"

No, I'm not. Pero may magagawa ba ako? Anak lang naman ako, 'diba? Ganyan naman talaga ang role ng isang anak, ang maging sunod-sunoran sa magulan. Kasi nga, mas may alam sila dahil nauna sila kaysa sa'tin.

"Your life is not here, Ayessa."

Tsk. Sino ba siya para sabihin nya sa akin iyan? Para bang mas alam pa nya ang takbo ng buhay ko rito sa Maynila, eh nasa Cebu naman siya the whole time. Wala siya noong mga panahon na gusto kong may karamay ako. Iyong panahon na walang pumapanig sa akin. Iyong panahon na sobrang liit na nang tingin ko sa sarili ko.

"Wew!" Sabi ko na lang, trying to suppressed my irritation.

Sumandal ako at marahan na pumikit. Hindi naman siya muling nagsalita. The moment we arrived in our home, dumiretso kaagad ako sa nursery room namin. Hindi ko na naramdaman ang presensya ni Dutsie kaya malaya akong pinagmamasdan si Caleb. Mahimbing ang tulog nito kaya I tried to not make a sound.

I remember, it's when Caleb arrived mom became so hard to me. Naging extra na ang pagiging istrikta nya. Ang pagtaas ng expectations nya sa akin. She's also being hard to herself. Palagi na lang siyang babad sa trabaho na parang nilulunod nya ang sarili nya.

I'm not dumb to not notice her changes. It's seems like she doesn't want to think or have a time to wander her thoughts, kaya palagi siyang lunod sa trabaho. I know, after dad died, something is going on.

But I don't blame Caleb. Of course hindi siya ang rason kung bakit nag iba si mommy.

I stayed for fifteen minutes. When I went out dumiretso na ako sa aking kwarto. Kailangan ko pang mag impake. Sabi pa sa akin ni Dutsie na kailangan kong dalhin lahat ng gamit ko. Maybe because I'm staying there for a long time. Doon ako mag-aaral at magtatapos.

Dumako ako sa side table ko kung nasaan nakahilera ang mga litrato nang mga taong importante sa akin. Nandirito rin ang mga kaibigan ko, graduation pictures namin. May mga random din na pina-frame ko dahil maganda ang kuha. May litrato rin ako ni papa, kaming dalawa. Kaming dalawa ni Dutsie. May litrato rin ako kay Caleb noong first month niya.

Hinila ko ang holder ng compartment ng table na nas ibaba. Bumungad sa akin ang iilang mga envelope, mga maliliit na boxes na naglalaman ng mga gift galing sa iisang tao. Sa ilalim nito ay nandoon ang isang picture frame na matagal nang nakatago. Marahan ko itong kinuha at muling pinagmasdan ang dalawang taong masayang magkatabi. Malapad ang kanilang mga ngiti na punong-puno ng kasiyahan. A youthful smile to be precise. Their arms are both on each other's shoulder.

It was us. The person beside me is also the reason why I don't want to come back. Galit ako sa kanya. Galit na galit. I've been sending him letters, but he didn't write back. I've been calling him, but he didn't accept it. He didn't text and call me. He didn't reach out. Hindi nya sinunod ang pangako nya sa akin. He just, ghosted me.

Iwinaksi ko na ang ala-ala ng nakaraan at nagsimula nang mag impake. I only left the clothes na hindi na kailangan pang suotin. I also left those expensive bags I have. Even the shoes that mom bought me. Tanging mga simpleng damit, sapatos, at bag lang ang dinala ko. Pagkatapos kong mag impake ay nahiga ako sa aking kama.

Alam ni mommy na sasama ako kay Dutsie. Wala naman akong narinig na pagtutol sa kanya, but she didn't agreed at the same time. Maiiwan si Caleb sa kanya. Ayos lang kaya si Caleb? Kung isama namin siya, mom would be lonely here. Ayokong mangyari iyon.

Nakarinig ako ng mahinang pag bukas ng pinto kaya nilingon ko kung sino ang pumasok. There I saw the kid I was worrying about. Hindi nya binuksan ng malaki ang pinto, nakasilip lang ito sa maliit na awang na ginawa nya.

"Come here," malambing na utos ko sa kanya na kaagad naman nitong sinunod habang nakangiti.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you," Sabi nito habang naglalakad patungo sa akin. Sumampa ito sa aking kama at tumabi sa akin ng higa. "Are you going somewhere? Is it far from here? Are you going back?" Sunod-sunod nitong tanong.

I pat his head and smile. "Yes but don't be sad, okay?"

"I don't want to be sad but I don't want to be alone too."

I stopped patting his head and give him a warm hug. I also don't want him to feel alone like me. "I'm giving you a mission so that you wouldn't feel sad." I pause for a moment.

"It's a very important mission so listen very well."

Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya at hinawakan ang magkabilang balikat. Marahan akong yumuko upang magka-level kami ng tingin.

"You have to make sure that mom eat her food and have a long sleep. You also make sure that she will never feel alone. Make it sure too that she's happy."

He cutely nodded his head, nagba-bounce pa ang matambok nitong pisngi.

"I will!" Sigaw nito sa maliit na boses.

"Very good!" I softly pinch his little nose and give him a kiss on his head. "When I came back, I promise to spend more time with you."

••••••••••

I'm carrying my own luggage while walking here in NAIA. Kasama ko pa rin si Dutsie na dala ang iba ko pang bag. I thought mom will be here sending us off, pero wala siya. Actually hindi ko siya nakita kanina sa bahay kaya kay Caleb na lang ako nagpaalam. He was teary eyed when I bid my goodbye pero hindi naman nya ako pinigilan. I also reminds him his mission.

The moment we're inside the plane, something is making me restless. A thought that has been running in my mind and made me feel anxious.

"Hey," tawag ni Dutsie sa akin. "That thing that I said to you inside the car."

Iyon bang galing kami sa school?

"Bakit?"

"I said that your life is not here."

Marahan akong bumuga ng hangin."Why did you say that? I mean you were so busy to know what's happening."

"Kasi nakita kita noong mga panahon na nasa Cebu pa tayo. You were full of enthusiasm while doing the things you love. You're full of joy. Hindi tulad ngayong nasa Maynila ka. The happiness you once have suddenly faded. The enthusiasm vanished, like someone took it from you. I always know that I have a cheerful sister who always motivates me kaya nang muli kitang makita nabigla ako kasi parang naging ibang tao ang kapatid ko."

Nagbago? Ako? Did I change? Hindi naman siguro. Gano'n pa rin naman ako.

"I promised to dad's tomb that I'm going to bring the cheerful Ayessa back. I'm going to fill the hole in your heart by coming back to Cebu. I'll bring you back to where everything started."

I was frozen by his words. He might not be here the whole time but he noticed me. He noticed my sadness.

"Mom will never go there because her life is here. So you are free from her. You can do anything, even the ones na pinagbabawal nyang gawin. You are on your own. You will navigate your life from this day on."

I bit my lower lip to cease the tears that are about to fall. It will never be easy for me to stand on my own feet because all these years I've been doing things that was told.

"Don't be afraid to fail, kuya will always be here for you. Hindi ako aalis sa tabi mo ngayon. Promise."

- BM -

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