When I left the mountain house 4 summers ago, it wasn't my intention to just stop talking to Heather and everyone else.

It just kind of...happened.

When Heather dropped me off at my aunt's house the day after Haley passed, I didn't think it was going to be the last time I saw her.

However, I was wrong.

What happened to Haley fucked me up completely for a while.

I couldn't get the image of her body floating in the pool out of my mind. It haunted me and caused severe distress.

I also experienced nightmares about it. I would wake up drenched in sweat and avoid falling back asleep so I wouldn't have another one.

For the first month or so of college, I did talk to Heather and the others. I didn't see her, but we checked in with each other.

Until it all became too much, and I started to associate them with what happened to Haley. I thought that I had to distance myself, as painful as it was.

I wasn't even consciously distancing myself. I was so in my head and falling into a deep hole of depression, and didn't even feel like talking to anyone. It felt like too much to even send a text.

I started ignoring texts. Heather would text me every day, and the others would text me from time to time, Michelle a bit more than that. While ignoring Heather was extremely tough, it's what I thought I had to do.

She seemed to catch on after a couple of weeks. She had called me a few times as well, and I didn't answer.

I got a text from her one day after class as I was lying in my bed, an anxious mess. The text was asking me what was going on, and if I didn't want to talk to her anymore.

It broke me, but I texted Heather back saying I couldn't talk to her anymore.

Tears flowed as she texted me back angrily, asking me why I would throw away everything we had. That text I didn't answer. I mentally and emotionally couldn't bring myself to do it.

Which I shouldn't have done. I should have answered Heather.

The first semester of college and a few months after that were extremely rough mentally. I knew that I had to get help, and I was encouraged by my mom, who I had reconciled with, as well as my roommate, Caroline, who saw me at my worst.

I started to see an on campus therapist, which helped, but not enough. The therapist suggested that I see a psychiatrist, which I opted to do. I was diagnosed with severe depression, and knew I was experiencing trauma as well regarding Haley.

I was put on medication, an SSRI and an as needed benzo when I started to panic. Between the therapy sessions and medication, I started to feel more like myself.

I found myself missing Heather as well. Really missing her. I yearned for everything about Heather. Her smile and adorable dimples, her laugh, her thoughtful nature. Her touch, her lips. My god, I could not get that out of my mind.

Heather didn't use social media very much, so there wasn't a lot to look at or stalk. Though I'd be lying if I said I didn't look to see if she posted anything or was dating someone.

It took a lot out of me, but one night toward the end of freshman year I texted her with shaky hands. Just to find out I was blocked.

That hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears sprung to my eyes immediately, and Caroline noticed.

"Alice, what's wrong?" she asked me, concerned.

"Heather blocked me. I don't blame her, but it still fucking sucks."

Caroline suggested that I try and message her on Instagram or Facebook, yet she blocked me on there as well. But I never did. I figured Heather wanted nothing to do with me.

So, I wondered about her the whole time in college.

Now with Michelle being my co-worker, I had some questions answered about Heather. Yet a million more were coming to the forefront as well.

The night after I worked with Michelle, I sat on my bed, against my headboard, reading.

Yet I couldn't get Heather out of my mind.

I had no access to her. I was certain my number was still blocked, and I knew I was still blocked on social media as well.

The last thing I thought about before falling asleep that night was Heather.

As I got ready for work the next day, I put on a new pair of scrubs and looked in my full-length mirror. I pulled my light blonde hair back into a ponytail, and when I brought my arms down, I caught a glimpse of my tattoo.

It was still my only tattoo, and each time I looked at it, I thought of Heather.

I wonder if she has a bunch of tattoos now like she always wanted?

As I was about to leave for work, my mom was coming home from work. We met in the kitchen, as I was filling up my water bottle.

"Are those new scrubs?" she asked me, "They're cute. Might have to get myself a pair."

"They are, thanks," I grinned at my mom, "Comfortable, too."

She grinned back at me and said, "Have a good shift at work. Hopefully it's not too crazy for you."

The hospital that I work at is a half hour drive from my house. Before every shift I blast music, this time I did with my windows down as it was a beautiful evening in August.

When I got up to my unit, Michelle was already there, waiting for me.

She gave me a small smile, "Hey, Alice."

Already, things seemed less awkward between us.

I smiled back at her, "Hi, Michelle. Ready for the shift?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

As we worked together, she seemed more comfortable around me. We were both noticeably less tense, and when she asked me to grab "lunch" with her in the cafeteria at 2 AM, I agreed to it.

In the elevator, she yawned so hard her eyes started to water.

"I know, it's tiring," I said to her, "I'm still getting used to the night shift."

"I am downright exhausted," Michelle said, "I was hoping for the day shift, but most new nurses get stuck on nights."

"I promise it gets easier."

Michelle and I both got sandwiches this time and sat across from each other at the same table as the first time.

"Your hair looks pretty," she said to me, "Is it a bit lighter than when I last saw you?"

I nodded, "Thank you, it is. I get a full set of highlights. You know, I actually had red hair for a 3 month span in college at one point."

Michelle's eyes widened, "Really, do you have any pictures?"

I nodded and pulled up my photo gallery on my phone, going a couple of years back.

"Ah, here we go," I showed Michelle a picture.

She looked at the picture and then back at me, "It does look pretty. You can pull any hair color off."

I chuckled, "You're just being nice, but thank you."

"No, I mean it!" Michelle insisted, and she then asked me, "What made you want to dye your hair?"

I paused for a moment before saying, "A break up. Well, we weren't even officially together. It was this girl that I had a thing with for a few months my sophomore year. I was pretty hurt when she ended things out of nowhere, and a night later I went to CVS and bought a box of red hair dye. I needed the instant gratification of a change. It provided me that, but after the red hair faded, I just wanted to go back to blonde."

"I'm sorry to hear about your break up," Michelle said, "Hey, break ups that aren't even from an "official" relationship can hurt even worse."

Yeah...kind of like the one with Heather. We were never "official".

I nodded, "You've got that right. I had a couple of those in college."

"Same," Michelle commiserated, "Until I met Mike. He broke that curse for me."

I smiled at Michelle, "I'm really happy for you."

Michelle returned the smile, "Thanks, Alice. I'm sure you'll find your dream girl soon."

I think I already did. However, I completely fucked that one up.

"Here's to hoping," I said to Michelle, raising up my water bottle.

Michelle shifted in her chair and then said, "So...I'm not sure if you remember, but my birthday is next week."

I tensed up right as she said that to me,

How could I possibly forget?

I nodded, "Yes, I remember. August 22nd."

Michelle looked surprised for a split second that I remembered, and she then asked, "I'm having a birthday celebration. Would you want to come?"

I was unsure how to answer her.

Did I want to go to her birthday party and see Heather?

Of course.

However, it could be a really bad idea at the same time.

I found myself asking Michelle, "Does Heather know you're inviting me?"

"Well, no. I didn't tell her. Though I honestly don't think she'd mind you there."

I looked at Michelle, "Can I think about it and let you know?"

She nodded, "Of course. You can let me know when we work together next, or you can text me. Do you still have my number?"

"Of course I do."

Michelle nodded, "Just let me know. I'd like to have you there."

All I could think about for the rest of my shift and as I drove home was Michelle inviting me to her birthday celebration.

Am I ready to face Heather again?

It mean, it's been 4 fucking years, and I still think about her.

Right after I parked in the driveway after I got home, I texted Michelle, heart racing.

I said: I'll come to your birthday party. Just let me know when and where.

This better not turn out horrible.