Ace POV:
Life wasn't always like this. You had a happy home, a happy life. You were part of the upper middle class, known as one of the preps at school, popular amongst everyone. Your parents split up when you were a baby, separation was all you've known, but you keep telling yourself that you're happy. Your dad is a logical controlling man who is slowly dying from addiction as well as Pancreatic Cancer. He claims he wants what's best for you and believes that your mother is a no good deadbeat. He has a new family, a new kid, and there all alright you guess. Though you love your father, you've always been closer to your mother.

Ace POV Flashback:
It all started when your mom got divorced from her first husband. He was the closest thing to a fake dad that you've ever known, and all that was ripped away. At the time you were angry at your mom, you were 7 for Christ's sake and believed that she was really happy with him, truth is that she was, until she walked in on him fucking his co-worker. At the time you didn't know this, but nowadays you're on the brink of 17 and you know way more shit than you've ever expected and wanted to know. The divorce was smooth for the most part, your mother got joint custody of your brother Paul, and finally moved away to start fresh. But starting fresh to your mother meant getting wasted, fucking random guys with her kids in the other room, leaving her eldest daughter (Ace) to fend for herself and her 6 year old brother at the time.

You hate to admit it, but you still love your mom through all the shit she put you through. She may have been a horrible mother at times, but her love for her children is real, and you appreciate that.

Growing up with her was rough. You've learned to prepare for the worst and hope for the worst because that's all you've ever known. You would spend hours, laying in bed, mind racing, trying to think and evaluate all the possible outcomes of whatever disaster your mother is preparing for now. Alcohol poisoning, check. DUI, check. Get an STD, check. Being beat by her boyfriend again, check. Mom being pregnant, check. Mom coming home to yell and blame you for her mistakes, check. Mom coming home to be all lovey dovey with her boyfriend and literally fuck him right in front of you, check.

Just when you thought you've thought of all the usual possibilities, none of them happen that night. Instead the Police come pounding on your door, raid the house, interrogating you beyond belief. At this point of time you're merely 10 years old while your 7 year old brother, Paul, is in the bath. Your mom is out with her boyfriend, doing god knows what, and left you to care for your brother and cook supper for him. The police ask you about your mother, see if she is using, drunk, has abandoned us, and all you do is deny. Though you've been treated wrong by her, you're too brainwashed to admit all the faults your mother has made. You believe it is your duty to protect your mother, because all you've seen her do is struggle from relationship, more exhausted, broken, and torn again and again. It's the least you can do in your eyes, and make it known that you will do anything to protect your mother and brother from whatever harm is thrown your way. But you bite off more than you can chew, and that starts to take a toll on you.

At this point you are 11, your mother is now married to her 2nd husband, who is a lying, narcissistic, verbally abusive scumbag, who treats you with kindness but not to your mother. Multiple times a week you would walk in on a fight. Try to diffuse the situation, sometimes it would work, others you'd be scolded, and others you'd be beaten for your integrity. It's at times like this that you think back to the good ole days, in your old small town, climbing your apple tree in the back yard, playing soccer in the field behind your house, pushing your little brother in a laundry basket in the house traumatizing him for life, and walking over to your cousins to play Mario Party on the N64. Yeah there were some bad times in the past. Yeah, maybe your babysitter beat you, and yeah maybe there were drunken fights in the kitchen, but it was still better than the life emerging in front of your green blue eyes.

You take time to thank those who you love, those whom have helped you out so much, especially your Aunt and cousins. They took you in when your mother was M.I.A. You rented movies, played GTA Liberty City and San Andreas on the PS2. Went down to the skate park to rollerblade and try to seem cool when the only trick you could do was skate slowly backwards, but that's all that you'd known.

Ace POV Present:
You remember the time when you would be Oohed and Aahed at for your olive skin, dark hair, dimpled smile, and piercing blue eyes. People would come up to your mother or father, claiming how gorgeous there daughter was, but that doesn't happen anymore. What used to be smooth olive skin is now scarred with burns from experiments with fire, slashing and dashing people's tires, and bruises from running and wrestling your brother. What used to be beautiful dark curly brown hair is a dark bun pulled up tight revealing gray strands of hair caused of stress as the doctor says to you. Your mother says its genetics from her mother who went almost fully gray at the age of 21 but you're 16. What used to be a cute round face is now a masked, stoned straight expression. A gaunt jaw and chubby cheeks now show the only livelihood in your face. Laugh lines are barely visible anymore compared to your younger days, your blank expression and creased eyebrows causing people to quickly look away when glancing at you. What used to be beautiful blue green eyes with specs of yellow are now dull grey blue eyes, but if you look close enough you can spot a hint of yellow left from childhood, but its just a splash. Not significant enough to cause a double take, but dead enough eyes to have people questioning whether or not your really fine or not. What used to be a glowing smile is now a glimmer of pain and a crooked smile causing people to feel uneasy in there seats. The one thing that has stayed consistent throughout all of these years is your physique. You've never been under or overweight, just average. You wouldn't consider yourself muscular except for the faint six pack on your stomach or toned calves, other than that you seem normal. But you know that your athletic, whenever you play a sport whether it be softball, basketball, dodgeball, or soccer, you put forth effort but you also make it look effortless. It comes naturally, and though you enjoy it you'd rather be curled up on your bed watching Netflix or reading Walter Dean Myers or some JR Johansson.

Nowadays you aren't a loser or popular, you're that faint echo of an outsider who is in between. You never feel like you belong anywhere anymore, you just exist. You roam hallways, feeling out of place, yet to others you seem quite comfortable. Not many boys or girls seek after you, you've had some elementary boyfriends but nothing serious except for an inconsiderate and boring jock that you dated your junior year. The one little tick in the back of your mind is saying "you're bi" repeatedly over and over again. You've always found attraction to both sexes and lately you feel suffocated by coming out to your family and friends. But you swallow what little ounce of courage you have and continue on with life without having to label yourself, you take a drink of water and continue on with small talk, you'll take a deep breath and try to seem intrigued when you know your mind is elsewhere thinking about Jade Thirlwall's physique or Avi Kaplan's pleading eyes.

Ace POV Flashback:
Back to your mother's 2nd husband, there isn't much to say. Things ended rough but your family chugged along, deep down knowing that this is all routine and most likely going to happen again. Your mother's next major relationship was creepy to say nonetheless. Her boyfriend was an oddball and you knew from the start, and for a 12 year old it didn't take you long to identify him as a sex addict. He would make disturbing comments to you about your "boobs finally coming" in and your "ass getting rounder" and saying you look "pretty with your makeup on" when you damn well know you never wore makeup at that age. Everything about the relationship screamed weird but your mother played along and you thank whatever god there may be that you weren't molested by that dude. One night your mother and him come home, wasted and arguing, the usual. You think not much of it and pretend to sleep on you and your brothers bed room floor in case you were checked in on, which was rare. But then all of a sudden your mom yells, "pack your shit, we're leaving." You'd like to think that you were strong at this moment, but you weren't, you were weak. Broken. Everything that bottled up came out. You were mostly crying and yelling walking through the city with a pillow in one hand and suitcase in the other, at 1 AM pissed at the world and that asshole for treating you and your mother with disrespect. Thankfully your Aunt comes to the rescue and let's you guys crash at her place for a while. During your outburst you were surprised by how strong your brother Paul was. He knew you were distraught and bottled up ever since your grandmother died so he didn't judge you. You're mother claims that since your grandmother's death you haven't cried or shown much vulnerable emotions since. He was masked, stoic, and strong throughout the whole thing, but little did you know that this was one of the few times that you would ever see him fake his strength again.

We then fast forward to the age of 13. Things are going well, you have braces, have grown taller than your mother over the summer, and have thinned out from your chubbiness quite a bit. Your mother now has another new boyfriend who isn't too bad. He cares about you and your brother, gives you rides to school, and seems like a genuine guy. His family welcomes you, your brother, and mother with open arms which you gladly accept but resist somewhat because you've learned not to get too attached, that's all you'd ever known. You hang out at your mom's boyfriend's parents house, play with the dogs, ride bikes, do lawn work, and start to get hooked on Little Mix (this is when your obsession with the LM queens began). But you've known for many years that when things seem to be going decent for once, you then know that something bad will happen and cause everything to go to complete shit. And just that happens. Both fortunately and unfortunately you are absent from your mother's when shit finally hit the fan because you are at your fathers, which causes you to pile even more guilt on your shoulders. Though you weren't there, your brother Paul and mother were there when it all went down.

Paul POV Flashback:
"What the fuck is that noise?" You think to yourself, maybe I should go check it out. You're only 10 at the time and think your mom is just having rough sex again. But something doesn't seem right, your stomach churns, you plug your ears but you can still hear the moans, and those aren't moans of pleasure, they're whimpers of pain. You hide in your room in the basement, scared to face the reality of the situation. You cry, panic. You have to manually remember to breathe. In. Out. More screams. You wish you had the courage to do something, but know you can't. You don't have a phone, the neighbors aren't home, so you sit in your room drowning in your own silence. You count back from 20, trying to ground yourself again. The whimpering has stopped, and then you hear a body hit the floor above you. You're heart drops, tears roll down your cheeks, your mind races to the worst case scenario... but you don't dare go upstairs. Even if you try to do something it will just cause more pain in the end, so you do something that possibily saved your life, you wait it out.

Miri (Mom) POV Flashback:
It's hard to look back on this day. You try to ignore it, but it whispers, like a misused toy in a box, and forces its presence upon you. You've said little to your kids about this day, but it's time to reveal the truth. Your boyfriend had been in one of his moods all day. And you knew where this was leading to, he would beat you again tonight, a reoccurring event that only ever happened when your daughter, Ace wasn't home. Your boyfriend was too chicken when she was around, she may seem sweet at times, but she's one hell of a fighter, and he didn't want someone that would resist. One thing led to another, it feels as if anything I did was the wrong way and getting on my boyfriend's nerves. Something finally snapped in him, his eyes shrunk narrower, they had an animalistic glow to them, and at that point you whispered "oh shit." You internally thank yourself that you secretly dialed 911 and hid your phone under a paper on the dresser. You knew he has finally reached his breaking point, and you can't help but feel helpless, that's all you've ever known. He throws a few swings while you plead for him to stop claiming that you don't want Paul to hear this, but he doesn't listen. You try to escape out of the door but he slams the door shut on your fingers, instantly bruising and breaking them causing you to cry out in pain but he throws his hand over your mouth muffling your cries. You know at this point that Paul is awake, probably scared for his life, and you hope he stays put because you couldn't live with yourself if he was one to also get hurt. Your boyfriend then drags his hands lower, ghosting over your neck, slowly shushing you then strangling you with all his might. You struggle for air, try to pry his hands off, but his grip is too strong. He has nothing but anger in his eyes and you start to see spots. You believe that you're gonna die, and you hate yourself for going out like this. Suddenly a warm liquid drips down your leg, sirens are heard in the distance, and everything fades to black.

Ace POV Present:
Your mother has told you a gist of that horrendous encounter but you know it still haunts her daily. You are just thankful that she survived and her boyfriend was arrested but not long enough. Though he tried to reconcile with your mother she finally held out for once and resisted temptation.

Earlier that month your mother revealed a horrifying truth to you though. She told you that your grandfather was molesting your cousin, and she tearfully asked if he ever touched you. You shake your head no and though you have a terrible memory, you can't remember a time when he ever was inappropriate towards you. But with this accusation you remember a time with another family member that you felt uneasily uncomfortable.

You would guess that you were around 4 years old, staying at your grandmother's apartment. You were having a sleepover and packed extras of everything because you were going to try and convince your mother to let you stay longer. Prior to this experience you never felt odd around her until then. You spent the day watching Mary Poppins on VHS, drinking tea, and eating York peppermint patties. You faintly remember getting ready for bed, your grandmother sent you to brush your teeth while she would get out your pajamas. You come back asking for your pajamas but your grandmother simply states, "you don't have any." You then looked in your princess suitcase and couldn't find your Spongebob night gown or your Snoopy top and bottoms. You get upset claiming to grandma that you packed them and started getting agitated that they were lost. She tells you to just sleep naked and you think its silly at first but you then oblige and get ready to sleep in your butterfly sleeping bag in front of the box flat screen TV. Grandma then insists that you sleep with her that night and you do and don't remember much after that. Ever since then grandma slowly lost contact with you until she stopped speaking to you or your entire family altogether, while your mother claims that she is just mentally ill. That's all you'd known.

Ace POV Flashback:
After the whole almost dying experience, your mother isn't one to stay single long and dates one more guy until she meets the dreaded "Red Van" driver. Her and her boyfriend were good together. He had 2 kids, both older than your 15 year old self at the time, one whom was kind and lived with you and the other who was a complete bitch but moved out. You knew her boyfriend meant well and for once you actually sided with him most of the time when it came to your mom. He was a prescribed schizophrenic who knew that your mother was cheating on him with some ugly stoner dude so he rigged the house with hidden camera's and microphones. You felt bad for the guy really because he poured his heart out to your mother and she went and trampled all over it while banging another guy in there bed. Though your mother was completely in the wrong, she and her boyfriend got into a huge fight causing her to kick him out. They both went at it, while your mom's boyfriend had his friend over threatening to tase us if we wouldn't follow instructions. But once your moms boyfriend stepped towards her and almost took a swing, you saw instant red. Your face flushed, eyes targeted on him, ready to kill if he did anything. You picked up your pool stick and charged over, swinging at him, pushing the cue into his neck, causing him to back down, you slowly walk away with your back to him, then instantly jam the butt of the cue into his dick while he cowered in the corner and finished packing his belongings for him to move out.

From then on things were looking up again in your hectic and depressing life. Good thing was that your mother was drinking less and actually trying to be there for her kids, and you genuinely appreciated the effort. She finally had a steady job, was decorating the house, not focussing on a significant other. Life was good...until your mother invited a "friend" over one night for supper. He knocked on the door, his tall frame and bulk muscles squeezed through the door. He has a natural hunch and is a quiet young guy who frantically looks around seeming as though he wants to escape out of any open hole in the house. You size him up, narrow your eyes, and decide that you'll play nice...for now. Your mother then says "this is my friend I was talking about, he lives down the street, the one with the red van in front of it." You glare back at him and look over his large nose, beady blue eyes, and bald head. He intently looks at you and introduces himself, "Hey, I'm Jon."

Ace POV Present:
Little did you know that this Jon in that red van would completely break your mom beyond repair. Little did you know that Jon in that red van was broken beyond repair as well.
Little did you know that there was nothing that you could do to make things the same again.
Little Did You Know became All That You'd Known

La Douleur Exquise