ARNAV RAIZADA

I thought that since Khushi decided to stay away from me, it would make things easier, she was literally acting like she dint know me at all, even when we would pass by each other, she would walk away ignoring my existence, and as much as that was what I wanted, I couldn't stop feeling hurt about it.

For a couple weeks I just tried to make peace with it, but I just couldn't, and then when things started getting difficult, I would look at the pictures of the people I had hurt in the past so it would remind me why I was doing this in the first place.

I was seated in the class paying no attention at all, I looked at Khushi who was seated a few seats away from me concentrating, I pulled out my phone, and found Saakshi's picture as I looked at it.

Saakshi, the girl I called my best friend.

The girl that deserved a better best friend than me. I grabbed my stuff and walked out leaving the lecturer behind calling out my name but I paid no heed to him, I headed straight to the parking lot and into my car.

Once I was settled down, I played the voicemail I had saved, that would always keep reminding me why I didn't deserve anyone in my life.

"Arnav... I know you are mad, I said things I shouldn't have but I am sorry, it was just in the heat of the moment. I have been trying to call you, I need my best friend with me. The doctors said I might not survive, don't you want to see me for one last time? Don't you want to be with me and tell me things are going to be okay? I really miss you Arnav, please come see me one time, it's all I ask for."

I pressed the play button and listened to the clip over and over again, so it could remind me why I had to stay away from Khushi because it was become way difficult than I thought.

All I wanted to do was see her, meet her, talk to her, tell her how much I loved her, and not doing any of that was making me go crazy.

My hands were literally shaking, it was as if I was having a panic attack, I hated myself for everything I had ever done.

My best friend was dying, yet I never listened to her, I never visited her, because of my own insecurities and problems, and she dint deserve that.

She deserved a best friend that was going to be by her side always, assuring her that everything was going to be perfect, but I dint do any of it, I dint even attend her funeral let alone visit her at the hospital.

A part of me did understand why Aditi hated me, everyone should hate me.

I heard people's voices around which means that everyone's on lunch break, soon the parking lot started getting crowded so I decided to drive off, I dint know where to go though, I just dint feel like going home yet, it felt suffocating there, being all alone.

I drove to the nearest park, parked my car and headed inside to get some fresh air, trying to get rid of everything that was going on in my mind.

*****

Let's the entire day had been terrible for me, I just couldn't stop thinking about Khushi or wondering whether I had made the right decision by pushing her away, I was already missing her.

I tried to go to bed early but I couldn't sleep either, I opened my cupboard trying to look for some alcohol but I dint have that either, so I headed to the nearest bar, I just need a drink to take my mind off things.

I settled down and ordered myself a drink when out of nowhere, I saw Khushi walk in along with Jai, they both were having some kind of a great conversation because she wouldn't stop laughing. I hated that he was making her this happy, I wanted to be the one to make her happy.

Walking down the 29th and park, I saw you in another's arms...
Only a month we've been apart... you look happier...

Saw you walk inside a bar... he said something to make you laugh...
I saw that your both smiles were twice as wide as ours... yeah you look happier...

Jai walked away from her as he headed towards me, he stopped beside me and looked at the bartender and ordered some drinks, meanwhile I kept looking at Khushi who was very much still ignoring me, so I did the thing I never thought I'd do.

I stood up and walked towards her, I dint want to go talk to her or anything but somehow I just had no control over anything.

"Hey." I stopped in front of her and faked a smile.

"Excuse me, do I know you?" She asked.

Wow okay. Jeez Arnav, why are you so hurt now? Isn't this what you wanted? For her to forget you and your existence? She did that, be happy now.

"So what now, you get a boyfriend you don't even recognize me?" I asked angrily.

"Yeah, that's what people do... move on in life, meet someone they deserve and realize they shouldn't have wasted their time trying to get attention of the people that dint deserve them." She rolled her eyes.

"So you do admit you're with Jai?" I looked at her in shock.

"Yes I am, at least he makes me happy, at least he doesn't make me beg for his love."

"What about you and your whole rich and classy act?"

"I realized none of it matters, because being rich doesn't make you a good person anyway." She shrugged.

I know she was directing her words at me, I know I had hurt her, but I thought we had made the decision on good terms, why was she mad at me?

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you, but ain't nobody love you like I do...
Promise I will not take it personal baby, if you're moving on with someone new...
Coz baby you look happier you do...

"Okay, I get it, you've moved on, you're happy, I'm sorry I disturbed you." I apologized as I walked back where I was and grabbed my glass as I gulped down the drink.

"More!" I said to the bartender who poured another shot for me.

Once I gulped it down, I looked back towards Khushi who had settled down in a corner with Jai and they both continued with their talk, it seemed like it dint even matter to her anymore whether I was around or not.

Well there you go Arnav, you did it, you pushed her away like everyone else, but why isn't that making you happy?

I grabbed my car keys, headed back to my car and the realized I was too drunk to drive back home, so I had to hire a taxi which took me home.

I headed back to my room, lied down on my bed hoping the drink would help me sleep.

*****

"Arnav." She said with tears in her eyes, looking at me sadly.

"Why?" I looked at her sadly.

"It's not like I have a choice." She tried to laugh but it wasn't funny.

"Why you? I mean, you always eat healthy go to the gym, stay fit, then why you? I can't lose you mom, I can't sit here and watch you leave me, I won't be able to live my life without you. I can't watch you... I am sorry I really can't do this now, I need to go." He stood up as he walked out of her room angrily.

Just a few months back, his mom was diagnosed with some heart disease, and now she was really sick, the doctors couldn't do anything for her. He was so mad about this whole situation he dint even want to face it, or moreover, he was a coward, he knew if he saw her leave this world, he would never be able to get back to normal, he had always been so weak hearted and this was clearly a trauma he was too scared to face.

So he got into his car, switched off his phone and headed for a long drive, but by the time he came back home, she was gone.

Jiya was mad at him, for leaving despite knowing that their mom wasn't in a good condition, even his dad was mad at him, apparently they both had even tried calling him but his phone was off and so they couldn't.

Jiya told him how their mom kept asking for him every now and then but he wasn't with her, he always left people when they needed him the most, in short he was the most selfish human being ever.

*****

Arnav woke up panting, he sat on his bed trying to catch a few breaths and then he broke down into tears. Why did everything in his life have to be so painful? Why did he have to be this kind of a person that always hurt the people that loved him? His mom, then Saakshi... and now he really wanted to be with Khushi, but a part of him knew that he was just going to abandon her the way he had abandoned his mom and Saakshi, and he dint have the strength to do that again.