Ryan's death was a monumental turning point in Brendon's life, the hole he left behind would always exist as a constant reminder of what could have been, but despite how tempting it was to lay down and die when Brendon had finally realized that he would never speak to Ryan again, or hold his hand, or kiss him, he had somehow found the strength to begin knitting himself back together, and now almost a year later, Brendon had remembered how to smile once more, the expression was tugging at his lips right then as he put the finishing touches on panic!'s new album, the very first in which Ryan had no part in making, which was bittersweet to say the least.

Brendon didn't recall much of the weeks following his visit to the hospital besides reading Ryan's letter; those words had been burned into his brain for all eternity, and Brendon could quote the passages verbatim without blinking an eye. Everything else had become muddled though, leaving Brendon confused and shaky about what had been real, and what had been imagined by his grief tortured mind, but he tried his best not to reminisce over that dark period in his life anymore, because even twelve months later, it still hurt to think about.

Brendon knew he had broken down in the waiting room, the final line from the song Ryan had written for him had been the nail in Brendon's metaphorical coffin, leaving him shaky and borderline hysterical as his lungs closed up and his eyes welled over, resulting in Jon having to forcibly drag him into the car before anyone recognized him, but at the time, Brendon wouldn't have cared if the entire world had been witness to his sorrow, because with Ryan gone, everything else had ceased to matter entirely.

Brendon assumed that Jon had taken him home, but the drive didn't exist in his memory, or any words he may have said, there was only pain, a gnashing, tearing agony inside of Brendon's chest cavity that wracked his body with endless waves of torment. Brendon's suffering was immense, and even though he knew that Jon was most likely hurting just as much, if not more than he was, he couldn't push aside his own misery for long enough to try and comfort his friend, no matter how badly he wanted to.

The following days dragged on in a never ending slew of tears, and nightmares, and no Ryan. Brendon wasn't sure if he ever truly slept, or if he ate, not that he cared either way. At that point in his life, Brendon wouldn't have minded if he died of malnutrition, maybe that way he could see Ryan one more time, and even if that didn't happen, anything would be better than this version of hell that Brendon now found himself in.

The funeral didn't help Brendon's mindset at all, although just like almost everything else lately, he didn't have a concrete recollection of it. He sobbed throughout practically the entire affair as tendrils of guilt curled around his internal organs, their grip tightening with every passing moment during which Brendon gazed at Ryan's coffin with dull eyes, leaving him feeling choked and unworthy of attending the ceremony as Ryan's family and true friends made speech after speech commemorating Ryan's life.

Brendon declined the offer to say something about Ryan at the proceedings when it was extended to him, because he didn't deserve it, even if he had been able to stop his tears for long enough to form a coherent sentence, because Brendon hadn't been there for Ryan when he needed him, if anything, he had driven Ryan to his untimely death, and fuck - that fact was what was truly destroying Brendon bit by bit, and to make matters worse, there was nothing he could do to rectify his numerous mistakes, Ryan had taken that chance away from him by ending his life.

Brendon wallowed in self-pity for weeks, spending his free time mulling over every aspect of his and Ryan's time together, attempting to pinpoint where he has gone wrong, guessing at what would have happened if he had done this instead of that, basically driving himself insane in the process. Brendon avoided all contact with anyone and everyone, including social media, because he couldn't handle reading over the numerous tweets that were probably flooding his notifications involving Ryan's death which had been made public knowledge by this point.

Brendon hadn't understood pain before now, he hadn't known it could be like this, and he was terrified that his suffering was never going to stop. He began to try and return to his old self after a month had passed and Sarah was becoming frantic with worry over him, but it wasn't the same - he didn't feel like Brendon now that Ryan didn't exist. He had no motivation to write, or talk to Dallon and Spencer - hell, he barely wanted to bother with the effort of breathing half of the time, so how was he supposed to continue on and do what Ryan had asked of him when everything around him had become worthless without Ryan to share in the experience with him?

But eventually, things got easier, as they always do, and the stubbornness of Sarah and Brendon's bandmates helped his healing process along immensely. They didn't expect Brendon to instantly bounce back of course, but when it became apparent that he wasn't going to get out of bed without prodding, they all took it upon themselves to force Brendon to at least look like a functioning human being until he could actively play the part - Dallon even threw Brendon into the shower fully clothed once when he refused to move from the couch for almost two days, which Brendon could laugh over now, although it had been anything but funny at the time.

It was Sarah that finally got through to Brendon in the end though, she was the balm that truly managed to ease some of Brendon's pain until it became bearable. It was her voice that calmed him down when he woke up sobbing after another night terror, her hands that coaxed him out of the house for the first time in months, her lips that brushed against his forehead when he shook under the strain of everything that was threatening to bury him, and with Sarah there to help him bear the load of his sorrow, Brendon slowly found the will to regain his feet.

It was strange being with Sarah now - different, but in a good way. For the entirety of their relationship, even when Brendon had been pretending that Ryan didn't exist, his heart had been tugged in two directions, because he had always loved Ryan, and although he always would, that resistant half of him no longer fought against Sarah's affections tooth and nail - no, it was dormant now, deflated and dying without Ryan there to breathe life into it, and no matter how much Ryan's absence continued to hurt, his death had also brought Brendon a form of peace in being able to commit himself to one person, and it wasn't long after that realization that Brendon decided to propose to Sarah, putting effort into something for the first time since before Ryan's death.

Brendon never reinstated his 'No Ryan Rule', even though the temptation of trying to fool himself into believing that none of this had ever happened had crossed his mind once or twice, but no - he didn't want that, so instead, he spoke freely about Ryan to Sarah and his friends, swapping old stories and cherished memories as everyone involved tried to hide their misty eyes, and it felt good in an odd, slightly painful way.

Brendon often wondered how different his life would have turned out if he had never enacted the ridiculous policy in the first place, but he quickly derailed those thoughts as best as he could, because they brought nothing but misery in their wake, and Brendon refused to be dragged back down so soon after he had pulled himself free from the crippling grip of his tormented mind.

Things had gone uphill from that point onward, and now Brendon was okay - mostly. He was forever changed because of what Ryan had done, and he would always carry his scars hidden underneath his skin, but he didn't let them break him, because although he would never be able to make up for what he had done to Ryan in the past, he was going to honor Ryan's last request; he was going to live, he was going to love Sarah with what was left of his wounded heart, and he would never - ever forget Ryan Ross, no matter how many years it took before it was Brendon's time to join him again, and then he could finally make everything right.

Brendon was convinced that Ryan was out there waiting for him somewhere, even though he had never placed much faith in life after death before now, but he found that trusting in his newfound belief had given him a sturdy foundation to begin rebuilding his life on.

Brendon knew he could stay strong for as long as he needed to, because Ryan was worth it - he always had been. If only Brendon could have figured that out sooner, but no one is ever free of all regrets, Brendon was burdened with more than his fair share already, but he had learned his lesson, even though it was too little too late.

Now Brendon viewed everything in a different light, the awareness that his friends and family could be taken from him without a chance to say goodbye permeated his every action, and he refused to take anyone for granted, becoming better in wake of his mistakes as he immersed himself back into the people he loved, the people who cared about him, morphing into a much more open and honest version of himself, not wanting to hide away from those who meant the world to him.

In a way, Brendon felt closer to Ryan in doing so, because even though Ryan might not be here anymore, Brendon knew he would be proud of him, and maybe he was - maybe he was looking down on Brendon and smiling softly even now.

Brendon liked to think that that Ryan was still with him in some small way, inspiring him to glance upward toward the clear sky on occasion, not searching for anything in particular, but every now and then when Brendon's eyes were scanning the clouds, he felt an unexplained sense of peace enveloping him, which was something that he hadn't experienced since Ryan had passed away, but he instantly recognized it, keeping his gaze glued in place as a grin tugged at the corner of his lips, and it was in moments like these where Brendon could honestly say that he was truly happy.

*sniffles*

This is the end guys - That Golden Rule is officially over.

I am not entirely sure if I'm happy with this ending, but I am pretty proud of this book overall, especially since I was totally winging everything since chapter three.

This was originally going to be so much shorter, basically - Ryan was going to be blackout drunk the night of Brendon's visit and he wasn't going to remember anything the next morning. Brendon would have gotten super pissed when he found out that Ryan had forgotten what had occurred between them, inspiring him to go back to ignoring Ryan and acting like nothing had ever happened, but apparently that wasn't enough emotional pain for me to be content with, so that is how we wound up here.

I want to write another, longer Ryden in the future, with hopefully a more planned out plot, but for now, I am going to try and finish some other stories before I jump straight into a new one.

I just wanted to give a specially thank you to 20_dollar_nosebleed since this fic would not have existed without her input, as well as Plastic-Promises, Sinfulkilljoy, pencey_prep, and emobandsxyoutbe for all of your constant votes and comments on this book. They were very wonderful and motivating, seriously - this story probably would have flopped entirely without you guys inspiring me to keep going.

And to everyone who took the time to read this, thank you so much, it really means the world to me, and I hope to see you around on my other fics.

((((loving vibes))))

<3 starr